The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight CrossOver!
by Geminius
Summary: The Cullen's go on a vacation to London and stumble across the Harry Potter world. What happens next? Pure and total insanity. BEWARE IMITATORS! Do not own Twilight or Harry Potter, R&R! Crack Fic, Humor, Random. DONE! Part 1 of 2, PART 2 IS UP!
1. Vacation is Fun Yeah Right

**A/N:**

**THIS IS A CRACK FANFIC! THIS IS A CRACK FANFIC!**

**Yeah I had some problems in the beginning with dumb asses saying this story wasn't realistic and it was gay, and im like CAN YOU READ!? if you do not like crack fanfics, stop reading now plz**

**beware imitators! everything in this story is original! xD**

**oh yeah...**

**I HAS A PART 2 OF THIS!**

**ppl wanted me to continue after this story was over, so I HAVE PART 2 UP!!!! plz review, it only has five reviews so far which is unaccepltable people!!**

**SO PLZ READ THE SEQUEL OF THIS!! it is way funnier than this one, you can find it by going on my profile, it has the same title except it doesn't have Part 1 in it has fewer chapter lol**

**READ THE EFFING SEQUEL AND REVIEW IT PLZ!!! i was trying to get you attention by using caps. did it work???  
**

* * *

"Bella? Are you packed yet? The taxi is here!" Edward yelled.

"Hold on!" Bella called from upstairs. She was curling her dark brown hair with a bouncy Renesmee and a grouchy Jacob outside.

"Bella, hurry up!" Rosalie called from the foot of the stairs.

"The taxi guy is about to leave!" Esme yelled from outside.

"Does he have all our luggage?" Bella asked.

"Yes, we have more of a taxi buss though, c'mon, hustle." Edward pushed the last of the Cullen's and one Black out to the taxi. Everyone was crammed in side the buss.

Bella and Edward sat next to each other in the back, while Jacob struggled to fasten Renesmee into her seat, then sat next to her.

"We're we going?" Rosalie asked, checking herself out in the mirror.

"London, near my home town." Carlisle said.

"Really? We're visiting grandpa's hometown?" Renesmee called from the front. Esme started laughing at the title grandpa since Carlisle looked like a Greek god.

"Aww, why London? Why cant we go somewhere more sunny?" Emmet groaned.

"That exact reason. You don't want us lighting up like a Christmas tree do you?" Jasper smacked Emmet.

"Oh yeah, I forgot." Emmet smiled stupidly.

"Are you ready? We leave now?" The driver squinted at the strange family.

"Uh-yes, yes." Carlisle said, hiding his embarrassment for forgetting the presence of the human taxi driver.

"Kay, I go fast so you not late." The taxi driver said and immediately stepped on the pedal and flew down the high way. The Cullen's struggled to hide the fact that human fast was slow for them. Through the hectic drive, they finally arrived at the airport and ran to get on their plane since they were so late (the driver had fun cursing out the other drivers on the road while Bella glared at him, covering Renesmee's ears). They sat at first class and buckled in.

"I didn't think we would make it." Alice remarked. Whoa, you know your running late when a psychic doesn't think your going to make it to a place. The plane took off

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(der....awkward harry potter scene here)

Harry and his friends were at Hogwarts (duh were would they be? Indonesia?). Carrying on with their life, learning spells to kill a person, causing possible hospitalization, ect. You know the deal. Everyday knowing the dark lord will one day come out and kill all their asses, same old same old. Little did they know, vampires would stumble upon their little castle. Soon.

(told you it was awkward)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nessie, Nessie, get up." Edward shook awake Renesmee who had fallen asleep.

"Huh? Yeah?" Renesmee whipped away drool from her mouth.

"We're here." Edward said.

"Bout time." She yawned and hoped off the plane with her family.

They got settled into their hotel.

"We have so many bars and clubs to go to." Emmet said to Rosalie.

"You mean pubs?" Rosalie said.

"What the hell? No! Bars!" Emmet jumped up.

"In England, they are called pubs." Rosalie said and started to unpack.

"I thought we were in Great Brittan." Emmet said.

"Yeah , same thing." Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Great, we have so many, _pubs, _to go to and sights to see. I hope we can cover it all." Emmet said and flipped through a brochure.

"I"m sure we will, Carlisle wants to go to his hometown tomorrow though, you'll have to hold off the clubbing for a couple days." She said and fastened her fancy blouse on a hanger and into the closet.

"OK, that I can handle, what should we do?" Emmet asked.

"Unpack stud. "Rosalie tossed Emmet his luggage.

"Oh yeah! I packed my favorite candy."Emmet said and unzipped his luggage.

"You packed candy? Emmet, you are a vampire." Rosalie said.

"Yeah so? Nothing against having some chocolate." Emmet said and pulled candy bar. He unwrapped it and threw it to the ground, brown goo was all over his hand

"They melted!" Emmet whined.

"Oh gee ya think? Just put them in the fridge." Rosalie waved her hand.

"OK." He said and shoved his suite case into the fridge. Rosalie looked up in disbelief. Emmet wrestled with the fridge, then managed to put it inside the fridge. "Done." He said and brushed his hands.

"I can see that." Rosalie laughed and finished unpacking.

* * *

_sneak peak!_

"Shut your f*cking owl up Harry!" A bagel flew across the room and hit harry in the head.

"Hey! I will feed her OK?" Harry hissed back at the other people in the main room, not knowing who threw the tasty breakfast pastry at his head. The portrait flew open and.......

_Thats it!_

_

* * *

_be sure to comment twihards and HP fans!!!!!

the next chappie will focus more on the harry potter gang, but dont worry twihards, there will be a hint of the Cullen's.

COMMENT NOW!!!!!!!! **NO FLAMES**


	2. Ownage

here is the second chappie i typed up while at home, sick, running to the toilet puking, have fun

* * *

"Shut your f*cking owl up Harry!" A bagel flew across the room and hit Harry in the head.

"Hey! I will feed her OK?" Harry hissed back at the other people in the main room, not knowing who threw the tasty breakfast pastry at his head. The portrait flew open and a couple of first years ran in and jumped all the way up the stairs excitedly.

"Hey Harry." Hermione walked in after the kids and sat down, a giant book in her hands.

"Hello Hermione." Harry said and picked up Hedwig.

"Are you taking her to the Owlery?" She asked, opening her book.

"Yeah." Harry said and walked out and made his way over to the Owlery.

After putting Hedwig back he went back to the common room (i just remembered that's what it is really called xD).

Harry sat down on the same chair and kicked at the bagel. The door opened again, and Ron bounded in.

"We have another trip to Hogsmeade!" Ron beamed.

"Really? This weekend?" Harry jumped up, excited.

"Well duh. Are you coming?" He asked.

"Of coarse!" Harry agreed.

------------------------------------A Couple Days Later-------------------------------------------------

"Here we are." Carlisle said. They jumped out of the car and walked past old stony buildings.

"You lived here as a human right?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, it looks different then I remembered it though." Carlisle said, looking across the small street, his eyes far away.

"Were is your house?" Renesmee asked.

"I'm sure it's gone by now." Carlisle smiled and bent toward her.

"Oh." She shrugged. They walked around and Carlsile would babble about what happened here, what happened there.

"I can't believe you remember all of this!" Edward said.

"Yeah, lucky." Alice muttered, being the only one who barley remembered anything form being a human. hat she did know had come from a sycophantic hunter vampire.

"You said we were going to go see sheep." Renesmee pointed at Edward.

"I did?" Edward jumped back.

"Yeah! You said before I went to sleep, you said we would go see sheep in the country side!" Renesmee said.

"Oh,s ure, we will after Carlisle has enough time here." Edward said.

"No that's OK Edward, you can go take Renesmee to see the sheep, I'll just stay behind here." Carlisle said.

"Really?" Edward looked shocked, as if he didn't want to take Renesmeee.

"Yes." Carlisle said.

"I would like to stay too." Esme said.

"Alrighty then, who is staying, and who is going?" Emmet asked.

"Just us." Esme hissed.

"Okayyyy, let's go see the sheep!" Emmet said and ran back to the car.

"Bye grandma and grandpa, have fun here!" Renesmee hugged them goodbye and ran after them.

"Let's hope Jacob doesn't eat all the sheep." Rosalie said.

"Oh no! You discovered my plot!" Jacob rolled his eyes sarcastically. The rest got into the car and drove off to the country side, hunting for sheep (not literally xD).

---------------------------------------Meanwhile----------------------------------------------------

The rest of the week passed by slowly, finally, Saturday arrived. They went down to the entrance, after Professor McGonagall counted heads over and over, they finally left. They arrived at Hogsmeade quickly and immediately, Ron wanted to go to Honeydukes.

"No Ron, let's go to the Post office and look at all the owls!" Hermione interjected.

"Look at the howls later, let's go before it gets packed." Ron said, pushing himself away from the three.

"How about we go to Zonko's?" Harry suddenly said.

"OK." Ron immediately agreed and skipped off (rofl!xD). Harry and Hermione followed, acting as if they didn't know him. They entered the already packed Joke shop, ready to spend.

--------------------------------------Omfg-----------------------------------------------------

"There are NO SHEEPS!" Renesmee cried loudly in the front.

"You mean sheep?" Jacob asked.

"Wha?" Renesmee asked.

"Sheep, there is no s, it's already plural." Jacob said. Renesmee blinked.

"That doesn't make any sense." Renesmee frowned.

"Well that's how it is spelled in the dictionary, do you want to go against the almighty dictionary?" Jacob asked.

"No." Renesmee gasped, eyes wide.

"Jacob, stop scaring Renemee!" Bella snapped.

"Oh, hey, I see a town up ahead, let's stop and ask directions." Edward said. A few minutes later, the town popped up ahead. It looked as if it was trying to be hidden from human eyes (oh shizzel). They zipped in.

"Whoa, look at their close! I wish I had a coat like that." Emmet pressed his face against the glass, his nose smashed against it.

"Those aren't coats, I think they are wearing robes." Rosalie said. The people on the side walk stopped and stared at them like, what the flip.

"Some of them have the same outfits, you think they are Christmas carolers?" Jasper asked.

"No, it's not Christmas." Alice sighed.

"That was a good one." Emmet said.

"A good-" Jasper was cut off and started gagging.

"Oh, my god! Emmet sis you fart!?" Rosalie started gagging.

"Holy mother of macaroni! What kind of animals have you been eating!?" Jacob gagged and coughed.

"Whew! Pull over!" Bella motioned. Edward pulled over to the nearest curb.

"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" Jasper struggled to open the door. It clicked unlocked and he fell out and onto the ground, gasping and breathing deeply for air. Everyone else fell out and stood up, holding their noses, then breathing deeply. Bella walked around the car, waving the air.

"Holy shit, that was nasty." She said loudly.

"Beware the vampire fart!" Jasper gagged. People stopped and stared in shock.

"Silent and deadly!" Emmet cackled and jumped out, closing his door with a loud thud. "Zonko's joke shop, interesting." He read the sign of the store in front of him.

----------------------------------------At the Same time in Zonko's-------------------------

"So what do you want?" Harry asked.

"I'm going to go look." Ron said and disappeared in the thick crowd.

"Everyone! Look! There are vampire's outside!" A kid yelled. Everyone rushed to the Windows. Harry and Hermione were crushed against the window glass, but could see easily, Emmet laughing, while the rest of the Cullen's, backed away from the car.

"Do you think they will drink out blood?" Hermione whispered.

"Well duh, they are vampires." A kid snapped at her. suddenly, Edward's head snapped in their direction and looked directly at Hermione.

"He's going to eat her!" Someone else said.

"Were is Ron?" Harry suddenly asked.

"I don't know." Hermione said.

"Move it!" Ron pushed through the crowd and opened the door.

"Ron no!" Harry ran after Ron, Hermione on his tail. Ron stepped outside, a handful of joke items in his hand.

"Harry? Look at all this stuff I have!" Ron motioned.

"Look!" Harry spun Ron in the direction of the Cullen's who stood around their car now, staring at them. Ron turned and looked, then dropped all of his things. His joke items rolled every were. A fake wand thudded against Renesmee's feet. She picked it up and looked at it. Then she walked forward and stopped when she was in front of Harry and Ron. She held it up, staring at him with her cute chocolate brown eyes. She smiled, and immediately, Ron melted i her hands and took it back.

"Renesmee, get over here now." Bella whispered.

People crowded around now, staring at the Cullen's as if they were circus freaks.

"Move it! Move it! What is this about-" McGonagall pushed herself through the crowd, then stopped dead and stared at the Cullen's. "Vampires." She whispered the last word. She pulled out her wand and moved Ron away from Renesmee. "Stay back! Stay back!" She said, it wasn't clear if she was talking to the Cullen's or the kids.

"Is that a stick?" Emmet said.

"Look, we mean you no harm, we-" Edward stepped forward, his hands out. McGonagall waved her wand, said a few words, and Edward was thrown back. He flew over the car and hit the wall across the street. He made a dent in it and fell to the ground.

"Oh hell no! Did she just shot a laser or something at Edward?" Bella stepped forward.

"No! No! I'm OK!" Edward staggered up.

"Come here bitch!" Bella hissed. Bella was also thrown back and hit the wall and fell next to Edward. Emmet ran forward also, but was thrown back as well and hit a wall.

"The lady has a magic wand or something!" Emmet said. Jasper used his power, and suddenly, Mcgonagall, lowered her wand, and looked clam.

"Professor?" Hermione asked.

"Look lady with a magic stick, we are good. We feed on animals, not humans. We accidentally came here looking for sheep. Renesmee wanted to see some because there aren't any in Forks, that is were our home is in Washington, and they are her favorite animal." Edward explained.

"Really? Prove it?" Mcgonagall hissed.

"If we could get our leader Carlisle, he used to live here in London as a human back in the 1600's. He's back in London giving a tour to Esme, she's also in our coven, he could explain everything better than us." Edward said.

"Well, your going to have to talk to Dumbledore." She said slowly.

"OK?" Edward asked, not really meaning.

"Right, this way." McGonagall said and turned around, then, started to lead the Cullen's to Hogwarts.

"Dumbledore.....I like that name." Emmet said to Rosalie.

* * *

yay second chappie done! xD!

remember to comment! plz?

i think i spelled some of the words wrong......


	3. I Sent a Picture of a Wizard

OK, i had over 144 visitors t this story yesterday! XD that is the most i have ever had to a story! dont laugh. now, i have a question....what does OOC stand for? i said dont laugh! idk what it stands for....and someone left a comment saying the characters were OOC, but i dont know what it stands for so....plz somebody tell me im confrusled. does it stand of out of character? Now, enough rant, here is the third chappie.

* * *

"OMFG! You live in a castle!" Emmet said and nearly jumped out of the carriage.

"Yes, that's weird to you?" Hermione said. Harry and pals got stuck in the same carriage as the Cullen's.

"Yes!" Emmet said, craning his neck to see it.

"So about the toddler, is she a vampire?" Ron asked pointing to Renesmee who was staring out the window.

"She's half vampire." Bella said.

"Half? How can she be half?" Hermione asked.

"Well little British kids with your cute British accents, when a man loves a woman they-" Edward started.

"They humped each other and Bella got pregnant when she was still a human." Emmet said over his shoulder. Alice and Jasper started laughing, and Bella would have been red if she could still blush.

"Vampires can get humans pregnant?" Harry asked.

"Yes, let that be a warning to you kids, use condoms." Emmet said (holy mother of macaroni! this fanfic is rated K plus! xD).

"You said you were good vampires. Are their bad ones?" Hermione pressed.

"Yeah, the bad ones are the Romanians. Stay away from those messed up mother fuc-" Rosalie slammed her hand over Emmet's mouth.

"No. All vampires are bad to humans except for the ones that feed on animal blood like us and live alongside humans like us." Rosalie finished.

"What about the Vulturi?" Renesmee spoke up.

"Vulturi?" Harry said, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, they enforce vampire laws, they live in Italy and are all really strong and powerful. They are like royalty." Edward said.

"Are they evil?" Ron asked.

"No, they are only evil to vampires who break the law, do you have any bad wizards?" Bella asked. It got really silent and uncomfortable.

"Yeah." Harry muttered.

"It's the reason why he has a scar." Alice said. Everyone was shocked that Alice said that.

"How did you know that?" Harry asked.

"Saw it in a vision." Alice said.

"Your psychic?" Hermione scrunched up her nose.

"Yes, that is my power. Only certain vampires have extra powers. Mine is seeing what happens in the future if someone decides something." Alice explained.

"Really?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah smarty pants, she can." Edward snapped.

"How did you know I thought that?" Hermione asked.

"I can read minds, Bella is immune to other vampire powers, Renesmee can send a memory through her touch, and Jasper can make you feel any emotion he wants you to." Edward explained. The carriage stopped and the three wizards started to get out.

"WE'RE HERE!" Emmet bellowed and jumped out. The rest of the Cullen's got out, pretending not to be related to him.

"Are you the vampires?" A thrid year ran over, with giant buckteeth.

"No we're faries." Jasper said.

"You can't be fairies your too-" The kid started to say, but the Cullen's walked away.

"It is a real castle!" Renesmee said and ran past the gates. Students ran away from her really fast and flatteend themselves against the wall to avoid her.

"Look!" Emmet pointed this way and that. Renesmee and Emmet ran around the castle grounds, pointing this way and that.

"Were is Bumblebee?" Edward asked McGonagall.

"Who?" She asked, pursing her lips.

"Bumblebee, the reason we came." Edward said.

"You mean Dumbledore." She said.

"Same thing." Edward waved it off.

"This way." She lead the Cullen's away from the students after prying Renesmee off a person because she liked their pointy hat and was asking were he got it. they arrived at the griffin statue.

"Jelly Beans." McGonagall said. The griffin statue moved and they climbed up it.

"Do we get some?" Emmet asked.

"No, that's the password." McGonagall threw over her shoulder as she walked up the steps.

"So we don't get any jelly beans?" He frowned. They made it up all the steps and stood in Dumbledore's office.

"Dumbledore? Dumbledore?" McGonagall asked.

"Yes?" Dumbledore appeared by his desk.

"There are vampires here, they claim to be no harm." McGonagall said.

"Ah yes I know, send them over here." Dumbledore said. McGonagall stood apart from them and motioned for them to go over. The group made it over, but Renesmee wandered off to the side.

"Bumblebee-" Edward said.

"Dumbledore." McGonagall corrected.

"Dumblecore-" Edward began again.

"Dumbledore." McGonagall said impatiently.

"Lumpy whore." Edward said.

"WTF?!" Emmet said and started to laugh.

"Now that was just wrong." Bella said.

"Sorry, I had to say that, no disrespect to your Dumblecore." Edward said.

"Dumbledore." McGonagall said, tapping her foot and turning red.

"This hat talks!" Renesmee ran over, the Sorting Hat on her head, pointing.

"Hats can't talk." Bella said, frowning at the tattered hat.

"What are you talking about, off coarse I can talk." The sorting hat snapped at Bella. Bella jumped back, cringing and staring wide eyed at it.

"Where did you get one sir? I would like one." Renesmee said.

"That is a unique hat, there is none like it." Dumbledore smiled down at her.

"Aww. Oh well." Renesmee removed the hat and carefully put it back on the shelf.

"That is OK. you can try the hat on anytime." Dumbledore smiled.

"These pictures talk!" Jacob said. Emmet jumped.

"I forgot he was with us." Emmet muttered. Jacob looked shocked.

"I was having an argument with one." Jacob shrugged and walked over.

"Great now he is going to start yelling at pictures when we get back home." Rosalie muttered.

"Shut it Blondie." Jacob growled.

"Make me wolf-boy." Rosalie hissed back.

"Don't make fun of Jacob because he is a wear wolf!" Renesmee said, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at Rosalie.

"He is a wear wolf?" Dumbledore asked.

"No, Aro said he was a shape shifter because he can change form at will." Bella corrected.

"Oh. Your an Animagus." Dumbledore said.

"A whoie-what?" Jacob asked.

"An Animagus. Just what your friend said, you can change at will." Dumbledore said.

"Uh, OK." Jacob shrugged.

"Are you registered at the ministry of magic?" He asked.

"You guys have a ministry?" Jacob blinked.

"Ah well, I'll take that as a no, that is for another day, now introduce yourselves." Dumbledore said.

"I am Edward, that is Bella, Rosalie, Emmet, Renesmee, Rosalie, Jacob, Alice, and that is Jasper." Edward introduced everyone. "But we have two other members of our coven, Carlisle and Esme, Carlisle lived in London back in the 1600's and we came here because he wanted to visit his hometown. Carlisle is giving Esme a tour of were he grew up." Edward explained.

"Is Carlisle your leader?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, he's the leader of our coven yes, do you mind if I call him and tell him we are here so he can come here and explain everything to you. He can explain things better than us." Edward explained.

"Sure." Dumbledore said.

"OK." Edward pulled out his cell phone and dialed the number. McGonagall stared at the phone. There was a pause.

"Hello?" A small voice asked.

"Esme? Is Carlisle there?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, hold on." There was along pasue.

"Hey Edward. Did you find any sheep?" Carlisle's voice asked.

"Not exactly." Edward shot a glance at Dumbledore who was rooting through pieces of paper.

"What do you mean?" Carlisle asked.

"We are at a castle." Edward took in a deep breath.

"A castle? Wow." Carlisle said sarcastically.

"For witchcraft and wizardry." Edward said and there was a long pause.

"Very funny Edward." Carlisle said.

"No, I'm not joking! It's called Hogwarts! Vampires are real, so why shouldn't wizards?" Edward challenged.

"Did Emmet put you up to this?" Carlisle asked. He sounded doubtful, and his words came out slow.

"No hold on." Edward turned his phone around and took a picture of Dumbledore in a flash and sent it to Carlisle.

"Wow." Was all he said. "How do I get there?" Carlisle asked.

"Uh." Edward faltered.

"We could send some of our professors to get them and bring them here from their hotel." Dumbledore explained.

"OK, did you hear that?" Edward asked Carlisle.

"Yes. What time are the wizards coming?" He asked.

"Eight." Dumbledore said.

"Eight." Edward repeated.

"OK bye see you at school." Carlisle said and hung up.

"That's settled." Edward said and flipped the phone closed.

"Now, about your rooms-" Dumbledore started.

"We get to stay here?" Emmet asked.

"Yes. Were esle would you stay?" Dumbledore asked.

"Best vacation ever." Emmet said and punched the air.

"McGonagall, show them to their rooms." Dumbledore said.

"Were would they stay?" Mcgonagall asked.

"This is a castle. We have many rooms open." Dumbledore said.

"Right, this way." McGonagall led them away and down the stairs. They entered the hallway were a bunch of students were crowded around right in front of the statue.

"Why are there prepubescent children staring at us?" Emmet asked no one.

"Everyone get back, move!" McGonagall said and started to move through the crowd. The kids broke up to let the Cullen's go through. After climbing a bunch of stairs and nearly having to catch Jasper from jumping off the moving stairs, they found a giant room right next to the Gryffindors. "This is your room, do not wander around the halls when classes are in session and try not to heckle the kids. Breakfast is served right away in the morning, same with lunch and dinner. You are welcome to some." McGonagall said and left.

"What a nice lady." Jasper said.

"I call this room!" Emmet said and pointed inside a room. Soon the Cullen's were running around picking rooms and arguing over them.

* * *

end of third chappie! XD i should probably change the rating. and dont worry everyone, dumbledore wont rape Renesmee, he's gay! omfg, im going to get flamed for that. any way, comment plz :3


	4. RUN! EMMET, RUN!

i just realized something ppl.....if Voldemort and the Vulutri teamed up, they could call themselves VV. or double V's. or Vuldturi. xD combination of names! lol im slow. here is the fourth chappie as promised.

* * *

"Do you think wizards are really coming?" Esme asked, flipping through a TV channel.

"Maybe. It's hard to believe but Edward wouldn't lie to me." Carlisle explained from the bathroom, straitening his hair.

"How would we get there anyway? Ride on a broomstick?" Esme joked.

"Oh no, she guessed it!" A voice hissed outside. Esme jumped up and grabbed the lamp, ripping it out of the socket.

"I'm armed!" She said, waving it.

"Holy Shit she's right!" The same voice said. Carlisle walked in and evaluated the situation.

"Esme, put down the lamp." He said. Esme put it down.

"I herd a voice over there." Esme pointed.

"Hey lady, it's not polite to point!" The voice snapped. Carlisle walked over and looked out the window. Two wizards were crouched under it.

"Hello." The second one smiled.

"Hey." Carlisle smiled and yanked them up and into the room.

"Watch the robes!" The first, rude one, said.

"Who are you two?"; Carlisle asked.

"Dumbledore sent us to get you." The second one explained.

"So Edward wasn't lying?" Carlsile asked.

"Yep, you wont eat us will you?" The first one asked.

"No." Esme said.

"OK, let's get moving." The second one pulled out their broomsticks.

"You don't have a car or anything comfortable? No offense but that is a freakin' broom. Your suppose to sweep your floor with one." Esme said, staring at them.

"Nope." The first one said and hopped on."Who wants to ride my soul broom?" He asked. The second one rolled his eyes and got on his broom. Carlisle got on the first ones broom (that doesn't sound right), and Esme got on the second ones broom (still doesn't sound right xD).

"So, what are your names?" Esme asked as they soared over the city, high up so no one could see them.

"I'm Jo, and my pervert brother over their checking you out is Mike." He said (cool names. I couldn't think of any professors to go get them, so i made up characters).

"Are you checking out my wife?" Carlisle hissed.

"No sir." Mike said, his voice tiny.

"So, are we really going to a castle for magic?" Esme asked.

"Yes ma'am." Jo said. At that same time, Esme looked down and nearly fainted, then held onto Jo for dear life. "Um, what are you doing?" Jo asked, his voice was raspy since Esme was crushing his lungs.

"I'm afraid of heights!" Esme balled.

"And I'm afraid you will crush me." Jo said, trying to wiggle out of Esme's grasp.

"Oh, sorry." Esme said and loosened their grip. They flew for a long time while Mike told a story about how he built a bookcase from scratch. Finally (I don't feel like explaining no more), they arrived at Hogwarts. The castle popped out of the morning mist and they landed smoothly.

"Esme! Carlisle!" Renesmee ran forward and gave both of them a big hug.

"Hello Renesmee." Carlisle greeted, hugging her back.

"There are more vampires!" A voice shouted far away in fright.

"Who the hell?" Esme asked, narrowing her eyes.

"That was a student, some are afraid of us. It's fun to pull pranks on them, I just watch sometimes, but Emmet really gets into it." Renesmee explained.

"Figures, now, who do we need to talk to?" Carlisle straightened up. Jo and mike exchanged glances.

"We could show you the way." Mike said.

"Really? Thanks." Esme smiled in gratitude.

"Sure, this way." Jo said and led them into the castle.

"CARLISLE AND ESME ARE HERE!" Emmet yelled and tackled the two in a bear hug.

"Hello Emmet." They said and got out of his crushing hug.

"Can you two go on from here?" Jo asked.

"Yeah, thanks for the ride here." Carlisle said.

"No problem, we got to go get our pay form that mean lady." Mike said and the two walked away to the great hall.

"Want to see the rooms we got? It's like a free vacation! And they have a forest nearby, was can kill only the normal animals in it, not the magical ones, but I still wonder...." Emmet trailed off in his thoughts. So it was up to Renesmee to show them the way to their rooms. They arrived after wandering around some, then after arguing with the stupid picture, they got in.

"Carlisle! Esme!" Edward said and everyone ran over to hug them.

"We were gone for one day!" Esme complained as everyone crowded around them. After catching up and listening to silly stories about pulling pranks of the students, and chasing the ghosts, then running through them, talking to the pictures, and running up and down the moving stairs, and breaking into the broom shed and riding the brooms, then crashing them, Esme and Carlisle asked the one question that was on their mind.

"Who is the guy we are supposed to talk too?" Both of them blurted out, then looked at each other and smiling in embarrassment.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot, this way." Edward jumped up and led them out the door.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the way to Dumbledore's office, the students were in passing time. Emmet spotted Harry and pals.

"HEY! HEY! PERSON WITH THE FACE!" Emmet waved his hands this way and that, motioning to Harry and pals, who bowed their head and pretended not to hear them. "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME!?" Emmet yelled at them.

"Stop it Emmet, you are embarrassing them." Rosalie hissed.

"Are you really vampires? I've herd so much about vampires! Can you tell me something about you?" A student carrying all of their giant books in front of them, supper short, asked with big wild hair.

"I'm sorry." Emmet said.

"For what?" The kid snorted. Emmet reached out and swatted the books from the kids hands. His books went every were and he looked down, a blank stare on his face.

"For that." Emmet said. Jasper started laughing, Edward smiled, but Carlisle looked disappointed.

"Emmet, you know better than that!" Carlisle snapped.

"Sorry." Emmet shrugged.

"Now help that-" Calrisle paused and looked around. "Were did the midget go?" He asked. They looked down the now empty hallway, the kid was running down it at full speed, hyperventilating.

"Oh well, this way." Emmet led them to the griffin statue.

"Jelly doughnut." He said to it.

"Emmet, why did you say Jelly Doughnut to a statue?" Esme asked, leaning forward, concerned.

"That's not the password, it's Jelly Beans." Edward corrected. The griffin statue then moved and revealed the stiar case.

"Do we get some?" Carlisle asked.

"No." Jacob said.

"Told you!" Emmet pointed at Alice who rolled her eyes.

"Shut up you two, let's go." Edward snapped. They walked up the stair case.

"Dumbly-dore! We got Carlisle!" Bella said and bounded up the steps. Everyone followed her into his office.

"Dumbly-dore?" Renesmee repeated, and echo of Bella.

"Where is he?" Esme asked, looking around.

"Sorting hat, were is Dumbledore?" Renesmee asked the hat.

"Is she talking to a hat?" Carlsile asked, turning to Bella.

"It can talk." Bella murmured back, not wanting to ge yelled at by a hat again.

"He's at Breakfast." The hat said.

"Oh yeah, I forgot they had breakfast here." Renesmee said and turned back to everyone.

"Were do they eat breakfast?" Carlisle asked.

"Down in this giant room, we passed it on our way here." Jacob said.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Rosalie asked.

"It never came up." Jacob smiled, happy he got Rosalie mad.

"SO does that mean we have to go to their cafeteria?" Jasper slumped down, pretending to be exhausted.

"Yes you lump, let's go." Alice smiled playfully and started to push him down the stairs. The Cullen's made their way back to the Great Hall (is that what is called? I forgot). Emmet pushed open the door.

"Some thing smells delicious!" He bellowed in a dark evil tone. Everyone gasped, and dropped their forks or spoons or food. The students stared at them in fear, frozen in their states. The teachers looked shocked. Emmet looked around, then fell on the floor laughing hysterically. "You should see their faces! Edward, take a picture! " He gasped between laughs. Edward took the hint and pulled out his camera phone and snapped a bunch of pictures of the still shocked kids.

"HEY! That's the jackass who keeps on tackling us!" The Bloody Baron said and jumped up, well floated up and zipped in front of Emmet growling.

"Well you dont need the have a heart attack about it you might die- oh I'm sorry!" Emmet laughed harder still at the cruel joke.

"I get it!" Jasper said. The ghost growled.

"Uh, bye everyone." Emmet said in a tiny voice and ran out the door faster than you could blink. The Bloody Baron chased after him.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" Bella glared at the students who were still staring.

"Me of coarse!" Rosalie dramatically flipped her gold hair and struck a pose.

"Yeah right." Alice rolled her eyes.

"Any way, were is that old guy?" Edward looked at the teacher's table.

"There he is!" Renesmee said.

"Right! WE GOT CARLISLE!" Edward bellowed and pushed Carlisle forward. He turned to give Edward a look, then turned back around.

"Uh, hi." He said to the students, then started to walk forward slowly. "This is a very ominous walkway." He muttered to himself, but everyone herd. He arrived at the head table.

"THIS GHOST IS NOT FRIENDLY!" Emmet shrieked as he ran by the door way, the Bloody Baron at his heels.

"DON'T WORRY! I'M COMING!" Rosalie said and ran out after him.

"Uh anyway, I am Carlisle, the leader of our coven, we'll be leaving now, sorry to intrude." Carlisle said.

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE!" A voice shouted.


	5. Yay! Hair Cut!

this is my pimpest story. yes. pimpest. the vulutri and voldemort will make an appearance SOON! omfg! together! beware...the VULDETURI! rofl sirius and lupin will get into a fight with jacob (wolf fight! XD), Alice will own Hermione, harry will get run over by a car driven by hagrid, snape will get his hair washed forcibly by Rosalie and esme , malfoy gets an emo hair cut, and so much more craziness :D

i know what your thinking, wtf! sirius should be dead! NO!!!!!!! sirius is my homeboy and fave HP character XD, so therefore, he lives :3 (i was so pissed when he died...hold on i need a moment T_T) lol, now that that is over (does that make sense now that that is oh well).......

STORY TIME!!!!

* * *

"Huh?" Carlisle turned around. Jane came running in.

"Holy shit! Jane followed us!" Jasper jumped.

"I did not follow you, I stalked you! Aro herd you were in London and sent e to follow you. When you disappeared from London, I smelled you guys out and arrived here. At first I was like, wtf, why are they in a castle, then I was, holy shit, are those wizards?" Jane explained.

"I know!" Emmet called into the room as he ran bye, still being chased by the ghost.

"What the? Is that a ghost?" Jane turned around.

"Uh, what did Aro want?" Carlisle asked.

"I don't know, the guy is like Micheal Jackson when it comes to vampires with strong powers." Jane shrugged.

"True!" Emmet yelled in, then disappeared again.

"Who is Aro?" Dumbledore asked.

"We'll explain later, when we dont have a bunch of bug-eyed kids staring at us." Carlisle said and bounded away.

"C'mon guys, we have to save Emmet and Rosalie!" Renesmee motioned. The Vampire crew left to rescue Emmet from the clutches of the evil ghost.

------------------------------------Later-----------------------------------

The Vampire crew walked into the small side room (from Goblet of fire, if I remember correctly, that is were it is) in the great hall. Dumbledore and the rest of the professors came in and sat at a table across from the vampires.

"OK, explain." Snape snapped.

"Who are you?" Emmet blinked.

"I like his hair." Renesmee piped.

"I want to wash it." Rosalie hissed.

"Me too." Esme hissed as well. Snape scooted his chair away, but was still glaring at them.

"Well, were to begin, how about the Vulturi?" Carlsile asked. Everyone head turned to Jane who was fiddling with her Vulturi outfit.

"Huh?" She looked up.

"Well, you are the only Vulturi member." Edward said.

"Oh yeah! The Vulturi are a secret organization of vampires with extraordinary power, only strong vampires have extra powers, and our leader, Aro, wants to gather an unstoppable force of vampires to reattain our secrecy to humans and our survival. Edward, Renesmee, Alice, and Bella have been offered to join us, but they refuse. Aro really wants Alice and Renesmee to join since they have extremely extraordinary powers, but...anyway, he wanted to make sure you guys weren't up to anything funny, so he sent me here to check up on you guys." Jane explained.

"Vulturi?" Dumbledore repeated.

"Yeah, the name comes from the town in Italy we reside in, Vulterra." Jane nodded.

"Oh, Carlisle, Edward said you could explain your coven better than he could." Dumbledore then turned to Calrisle.

"Oh yeah, we live in Forks Washngton, we feed on animal blood so we can live safely side-by-side with humans because the temptation to feed on them is low, there is another coven like ours in Denali Alaska that feeds on animal blood as well." Carlise explained.

"Simple enough." He replied.

"OMG!" Alice burst through the door, oddly no one noticed she was gone.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"There is some brat out there names Melfy or something like that, and he has his hair slicked back, but he would look so cool with emo hair!" Alice explained, excited.

"Uh-oh, I feel sorry for Melfy." Bella said, knowing what happens when Alice decides to give you a makeover.

------------------------------- The Next Day-----------------------------------------------

"What does he look like?" Bella asked.

"Hold on, when I spot him I will point him out." Alice said, tying a pouch of hair stuff to her waist. It was the next day, the Cullen's still resided in Hogwarts. A blond teen came up the stair case, surrounded by people who jabbered to him.

"There he is! The one in the center of those ugly kids!" Alice pointed.

"Right, I'll get him!" Bella said and charged after him. She easily caught up to Malfoy and friends and slipped in between them.

"Well hello." Malfoy smirked and smoothed his hair.

"Ew you wish." Bella rolled her eyes and pinched his nerve, the one in between your neck and shoulder. Malfoy fainted, and Bella grabbed him.

"No! Take me instead!" A girl threw her self over Malfoy.

"Get away girlie, the next time you see your friend, he'll be changed." Bella said and easily pried the wide eyed girl off of Malfoy and ran away to the near by bathroom.

"They're going to turn Malfoy into a vampire!" The girl shrieked. Bella almost laughed and opened the door. She put him down on a toilet. Alice whipped around from a mirror. She had on a surgeons mask, shears, scissors, comb, hairspray, and water spray in hand.

"Step aside Bella, the hair doctor needs to operate. Badly." Alice said. Bella resided in the back round, watching. Alice undid Malfoy's hair the way he had it after wrestling a brush through it, then sprayed it with some water to style it better. She flipped it this way and that, cut it here and there, applied hairspray to make his hair stay the way she styled it, and stood back to admire her work.

"It's a miracle!" Bella gasped. Alice whipped away a tear.

"I'm so proud of myself." She said. At that time, Malfoy wove up. Alice shoved the mirror in his face.

"What? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR!?" Malfoy yelled and started crying.

"I made it cool, here, look at it from different sides." Alice said and held the mirror away from him in different angles.

"Huh, it looks OK." He muttered.

"Are you kidding?! You'll be a chick magnet with this hair!" Alice said.

"A magnet you say? Of chicks? Hm.... I like it!" Malfoy nodded.

"Knew you would some around." Alice beamed and tossed the mirror away, it landed on the ground in aloud crash, Alice ignored it while Bella glanced back at it. "Now the trick is to lean your hair to the side, and try to keep it in front of your eyes a little, OK?" Alice explained. Malfoy nodded.

"Now go out there and make us proud!" Bella said and held open the door. Malfoy walked out of the bathroom, flipped his hair to the side and walked off.

* * *

this was a slow chapter....but the next one will be better! XD! plz do not leave a comment saying you hate emo kids :D


	6. RUN! NAKED MAN! RUN! Oh, your hair?

"OH NO! WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU!!!!!" The girl from before shrieked and nearly fainted when she saw Malfoy's new hair.

"He looks gay." Ron glared from the Griffendor table.

"Are you jealous?" Hermione asked.

"Jealous? Of Malfoy? No way!" Ron scoffed.

"Yes you are, don't deny it." Renesemee said, eating. The school liked Renesmee, who wouldn't? She was accepted and everyone liked to talk to her.

"OK, maybe I am." Ron sighed. Hermione frowned, but said nothing.

"AH! RAPE!" Snape yelled.

"Ew, who would want to rape Snape?" Harry gagged.

"That rimes." Renesmee said.

"Thanks for pointing that out." Hermione snapped, she was the only one who disliked Renesmee. Snape ran into the great hall, his hair was all wet, and had soap suds in it.

"GET BACK HERE! WE'RE NOT DONE!" Esme ran in, carrying a bucket.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Snape yelled.

"Get him!" Alice yelled, carrying soap. Esme ran up and threw the water at Snape. It drenched him and his hair lay flat against his face. Snape's face twisted into anger then he pulled out a wand.

"Oooh, I'm so scared." Esme laughed. She was then thrown back and hit a wall.

"Oh shit! Esme!" Alice dropped the soap. Snape ran at Alice but slipped on the soap. Alice stared down, and the whole room erupted in laughter, even some of the teachers started laughing. Snape got up and ran out of the room. Esme fell down and looked around.

"That guy is mean." She muttered.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacob ran around the forest in his wolf form.

_Hey Jake, were are you? _Leah's faint voice echoed in his mind.

_Uh, London. _Jake replied.

_Cool. When are you coming back? _Leah asked.

_I don't know in a few weeks I guess. _Jake replied.

_OK, Seth swallowed some poison Ivy and keeps on coughing up leaves. _Leah replied.

_Yeah that's not weird. _Jacob said.

_Whatever. I'm going human. _Leah said and her voice disappeared. Jacob walked back to to the castle, still in wolf form and trotted past the students who gaped at him. Hermione ran up to him and hissed in his ear.

"What are you doing here?!" Jacob jumped back and growled at her then continued to walk on. Hermione grabbed him be the neck. "Sirius, why did you dye your hair?" She hissed. Jacob shook her off and continued to walk away. "Get back here!" Hermione growled.

"LOOK CHICK! MY NAME IS JACOB!" Jacob turned into his human form.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Someone yelled. All the students ran away, some gaped at him. Hermione covered her eyes.

"It burns!" She hissed. Jacob looked down.

"Oh, oops!" He blushed a little, covered himself and ran off.

------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, look! There is a naked man running through the halls!" Someone shouted. Everyone in Snapes' class room ran to the door and looked out.

"Hey! Everyone! I want to talk about my hair!" Snape snapped (another rime! kinda).

"Oh, sorry." Everyone grumbeled and sat back down

* * *

sry for the short chappie, plz comment! :D

and check out my new story,

Our Darkest Hour

THANK YOU!


	7. Attack of the Fangirls

hey ppl, remember to read my other fanfic: "Our Darkest Hour". its a twilight fanfic :D

anyway, here is what you all came to see

......

read

* * *

"Are, are thy gone yet?" Jacob asked, hiding behind a couch.

"No." jasper said and opened the door. A swarm of girls crowded around the door.

"Back! Back I say!" The picture said and tried to hit them. "Ew! Teenage Girls!" It started to brake down and cry.

"THERE ONE IS!" A girl screamed.

"CLOSE THE DOOR!" Emmet ran forward and slammed the picture close.

"Thanks allot Jacob, now we have rabid fan girls outside waiting for you to streak out there." Rosalie hissed.

"Don't be hatin' Blondie." Jacob glared.

"Why would I be jealous of you?" Rosalie growled.

"Because you don't have any fan boys." Jacob said.

"She has a point." Carlisle said.

"No! I'm not designed to be stretched that direction!" The picture yelled. There was a ripping noise and the painting/door came clean out of the door.

"Oh dear god." Edward gasped.

"GET HIM!" A girl shouted when they spotted Jacob's head.

"Ah! No! I'm to young to get raped!" Jacob cried.

"Go wolf!" Emmet shouted as he was swallowed up by the sea of fan girls.

"oh yeah!" Jacob said and turned into his wolf form, his close ripped off and he dove into the crowd, easily running out after getting locks of hair torn out.

"I GOT SOME!" A girl screamed and nearly fainted, but then had to fight off another fan girl. Jacob bolted down the hallway, the girls were a stampede of elephants chasing him.

_"Crap! Stairs! My one weakness!" _Jacob cursed.

"_Jacob? Is that you?" _Leah asked.

"_Yeah, I'm being chased by a horde of fan girls." _Jacob said. Leah started laughing hysterically. "_Don't laugh, what should I do?" _Jacob asked.

"_Turn human." _Leah said.

"_What? Why?" _Jacob asked.

"_Just do it whore!" _Leah said.

"_Fine fine." _Jacob said and turned into a human, then turned around the face the fan girls, his eyes shut tight. The girls froze in their tracks and stared at him.

"There's a breeze." He said to myself. The girls all gasped and fell down, stunned unconscious.

"Holy shit, your junk paralyzed them!" Emmet was freed from the crowd.

"God dammit, that was the second outfit I ruined." Jacob cursed and looked around.

"Quit whining you metrosexual." Emmet rolled his eyes. Jacob covered himself yet again and ran off back to their room to get more close.

* * *

A car zoomed up and into the castle. It was low to the ground, then Hagrid jumped out of it. Carlisle and Esme walked forward.

"Here is yer car." He said.

"Thanks Hagrid, don't you have a class to teach?" Carlisle asked.

"Oh yeah, what time is it?" He asked.

"Around ten." Esme checked her watch.

"Blimey!" Hagrid slapped his forehead.

"What is it? Did you realize you could have had a V8?" Carlisle asked, leaning forward.

"No! I'm late for me class!" Hagrid said and shoved himself inside the car. "Do ye mind if I take yer car?" He asked.

"Uh, no." Esme waved him away.

"As long as he goes to an English class." Carlisle muttered.

"What did ye say?" Hagrid asked.

"Oh, nothing, just go." Carlisle said. Hagrid nodded and he drove off at full speed, the car swerved and went straight into the grass, leaving tire marks behind.

"I can't believe that fat buffoon is late to his own class." Malfoy said in his stuck-up voice.

"Maybe you can't see him from behind your hair." Ron snapped.

"Watch it Weasley. I'm rich." Malfoy spat back.

"He has a point." Neville said. The kids were gathered around Hagrid's hut, they had been waiting for a few minutes.

"Do you hear that?" Hermione asked, looking around.

"Yeah, it sounds like a car." Harry turned around as well. Hagrid at full speed, drove straight for Harry and ran him over.

"HAHAHA! POTTER!" Malfoy started to laugh, holding his ribs. Harry was plastered in the windshield.

"Get out of the way Harry! I can't see!" Hagrid cursed, doing a doughnut (that is when the car drives in a circle). Hagrid activated the windshield whippers and started to hit Harry uncontrollably. Everyone was running out of the way as the car chased after everyone.

"Hagrid! Push the brakes!" Harry yelled.

"What?" Hagrid asked. There was another thump.

"You ran over Neville!" Harry said. The car thunked and Hagrid finally pushed the brakes. The car jerked to a stop. The force from the car's speed transferred into Harry and he was thrown off the car and on the wall of Hagrid's hut. Malfoy was rolling on the ground from laughter.

"Harry! Are you OK?!" Hagrid struggled to pull himself out of the car, getting stuck in it's frame.

"I think you broke a leg and a few ribs." Harry said. A few kids ran up to the castle, and a few minutes later returned with Dumbledore and Madame Pomfery.

"What happened here?" Dumbledore asked. Hagrid broke down in tears, sobbing while trying to explain what happened. "Hagrid, it was an accident, you are forgiven." Dumbledore said.

"That was so funny! We should have brought a camera!" Malfoy howled from laughter.

"What is the diagnosis?" Hermione asked Madame Pomfery.

"His left leg is broken in three places as well as several ribs, and his right wrist is sprained." She explained.

"Will he get better soon?" Hermione asked.

"In a few days, possibly a week." Madame Pomfery said. Harry was whisked away back up to the Castle.

* * *

"Harry? Harry? GET UP!" Cold water was dumped on his head. Harry was jolted awake and looked around. Renesmee stood next to him, holding a bucket. A very familiar wolf sat next to her, wearing a bonnet. Lupin sat across from them, reading the newspaper.

"Renesmee?" Harry sat up.

"Yes. That is me." Renesmee said, braiding the wolf's hair.

"What are you doing to Siri- the dog?" Harry asked.

"I got bored." Renesmee shrugged. "I like your dog, he reminds me of Jacob, Jacob can turn into a wolf. It runs in his family, but only appears if a vampire is near." Renesmee explained.

"Oh, uh. That's cool I guess." Harry said.

"NESSIE! THEY HAVE CANDY IN THE GREAT HALL!" Jacob yelled and ran into the room, waving a handful of jelly beans then shoved them wall into his mouth.

"Ooh, I want one! Bye Harry, doggy, and Lupin!" Renesmee jumped down and ran off with Jacob down to the great hall.

"THERE HE IS!" A voice yelled.

"RUN NESSIE!" Jacob called and disappeared down the hall. A second later, a hoard of fan girls, all screaming and crying passed the door way. Lupin got up and closed the door. Sirius then turned into a human.

"That little girl is strange, when ever she touched me, I kept seeing things." He said and pulled off the bonnet and shaking out the braids.

"Oh, why are you here?" Harry asked.

"Dumbledore sent Sirius a letter about what happened and he told me, so we came to see if you were OK." Lupin explained.

"I'm not a kid, it's not like I was on my death bed." Harry mumbled.

"Yeah, we know, but did you see some of those vampire chicks? They were so h-"

"Sirius! This is not the time." Lupin said quickly.

"Oh sorry." Sirius mumbled.

"I agree though, but they-" Lupin started.

"Don't talk about my family!" Renesmee suddenly appeared.

"Uh, sorry." Sirius said. Renesmee looked at Sirius, tehn looked around.

"Were is the doggy?" She asked.

"He went out to pee." Lupin said.

"No he didn't we would have seen him." Renesmee walked forward and squinted at Sirius. "You're the dog! Are you like Jacob?" She asked.

"Who?" Sirius took a step back.

"Who said my name?" Jacob walked inside.

"You can both turn into wolves at will!" Renesmee said, clapping her hands.

"So? I'm better." Sirius said.

"Huh? Are not!" Jacob growled.

"Am so." Sirius replied.

"Are not." Jacob said.

"Am so." Sirius said. This went on a few times.

"Now, now, we can all settle this, I'm better." Lupin said.

"Huh?" The two turned to him.

"I'm a werewolf, I'm stronger than you." Lupin said. The three then started arguing about it, then it escalated into a fist fight.

"Kick his ass Jacob!" Renesmee cheered. The door flew open and a parade of panda's in bikini's drinking martini's pranced in singing opera.

"AHHHHH!" Harry fell off his bed.

"I'M INNOCENT!" Ron jumped up, eating some of Harry's get better candy.

"Is Lupin here? Or Sirius?" Harry asked, clawing his way up the bed and back on.

"No. Why would they?" Ron asked, shoving in his mouth a handful of candy.

"Nothing, I just had a bad dream." Harry shook his head.

* * *

comment plz, and read my other story "Our Darkest Hour"

* * *


	8. Beware the Vuldeturi! We have Cupcakes!

helloo everyone again :D thanks for commenting on this story that seems to have no plot, but it does! whahahaha!

make sure to read my other story, Our Darkest Hour,

read it now!!!!! after this of coarse

* * *

Jane snuck along the hallways and would occasionally peer into the rooms, then would walk on. She was trying to figure out how many students were here and how many teachers. She went back to her own room she had to herself and called the Vulturi.

"Hello?" Caius answered.

"Hey wife beater, is Aro there?" Jane asked.

"I'm not a wife beater for the last time!" Caius growled.

"Then why did you kill Irina? She made a simple mistake." Jane said.

"I-uh-I." Caius stammered.

"Though so, now, is Aro there?" Jane asked.

"Yeah, hold on, ARO!!!" Caius yelled.

"What? I am in the middle of watching Sponge Bob!" Aro called.

"It's Jane!" Aro said.

"Oh, coming!" There was a loud noise, a bang, and a yelp. "Hello?" Aro asked.

"Yeah hi, I have some freaky news." Jane said.

"What?" Aro asked.

"The Cullen's. When you asked me to follow them, they wound up in this castle called Hogwarts, it's a school and guess what they teach?" Jane said.

"What? Math?" Aro grumbled.

"No! They teach witchcraft!" Jane almost yelled.

"....Are you OK?" Aro asked.

"I'm fine! You just have to come here to believe it! It's by London." Jane explained.

"We'll have Demetri follow your scent." Aro said.

"Alright, i can't wait to see the look on your face when you show up!" She said, excited.

"Yeah, me neither, got to go, Patrick just fell off a cliff and is looking for his head." Aro said quickly.

"Huh?" Jane asked, but Aro hung up.

* * *

"Tackle it." Renesmee pointed.

"i don't know, that tree looks really violent." Jacob said. The Whomping Willow stood before them.

"Your a wimp!" Renesmee chanted (the other word would have been to mature for her xD).

"Am not! I'll take that tree on!" Jacob cracked his hands and neck.

"That's disgusting." Renesmee said.

"Whatever, AHHHH!" Jacob ran at the tree and hit it at full speed. The Whomping Willow seemed to jump, then it raised one of it's branches and swung down on Jacob. "OW!" Jacob yelled. Renesmee started laughing.

"You're getting beaten up by a tree!" She said.

"Ow! Help- ow-please!" Jacob called as the tree smacked him. It raised one of it's branches and hit his butt. "The tree is trying to get fresh with me!" Jacob yelped.

"Hold on, hold on." Renesmee grumbled and pulled out a match and light it. "Hey, stupid tree, let go of Jake or you'll go up in flames!" Renesmee motioned, pointing to the match. The Whomping Willow complied and let Jacob go who stumbled away. "Are you OK?" Renesmee asked walking forward.

"Yeah, yeah, my bones will heal by themselves." Jacob said. They walked back up to the castle.

"Hello Renesmee." A voice said. They stopped and looked around. A bunch of figures with black cloaks appeared out of no were.

"Aro?" Renesmee asked.

"Yes, and I brought a friend! His name is Voldemort. We call each other the Vuldeturi!" Aro said.

"Hello." Voldemort stepped forward.

"Were did your nose go?" Jacob asked.

"Huh?" Voldemort stepped back.

"Yeah! And your hair!" Renesmee said.

"Don't pick on my friend! He makes really good cupcakes! Right Caius?" Aro asked. Caius was stuffing himself with a cupcake.

"Yeah." He said, his mouth full, cupcake crumbs falling down his chin.

"Baldy! Baldy!" Jacob and Renesmee chanted.

"You guys are mean! I hate you! Wah! Mommy!" Voldemort ran away, flinging his arms.

"OK." Aro said.

"Wait! Come back! I LOVE YOUR CUPCAKES!" Caius chased after him.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FAG!" Voldemort ran into the forbidden forest.

"GIMME YOUR CUPCAKES!" Caius roared.

"Even weirder." Marcus said.

"Anyway, were is Jane, she said this castle taught witchcraft to kids." Aro said.

"Yeah, this way, Jane is in the kitchen!" Renesmee motioned and bolted inside the castle.

The Vulturi ran after her and arrived inside the kitchen.

"Hello! Would you like some food?" the elves crowded around them.

"Whoa! The Keebler Elves!" Alec said, looking around.

"Uh, we are looking for Jane." Aro said in a childish voice. They all pointed to Jane who was sitting by the fire with another elf who seemed to be drunk.

"DRINK THIS!" Jane yelled, shoving beer down her throat. The elf flailed around, the beer splashing on her.

"Jane! What the hell?" Aro said, shoving the elf away.

"I was trying to get the elf drunk." Jane said and stood up.

"Why?" Aro asked.

"I was bored. But I'm glad you came! Were is Caius?" Jane looked around.

"Chasing a guy for cupcakes through the forest." Aro explained.

"What a retard." Jane muttered.

"So what is it you wanted to show us?" Demetri asked.

"Oh yeah, this way! You have to see what these kids are being taught!" Jane said and lead them to a random class. They went into the Transfiguration class, and guess who was there? Harry and Pals! Aro tripped over a load of books, but got back up. Demetri tried to sit on a bench, but he broke it and it fell down, him along with it.

"I'm OK!" He whispered loudly.

"Is that it?" Professer McGonagall asked, looking mad.

"Yeah, we wont interrupt again, sorry." Jane said as they took seats in the back.

"Now, as Iw as saying-" She started.

"HEY GUYS! I GOT THE CUPCAKES!" Caius ran in, tripped over the same books as Aro did, fell on his back, and the Cupcakes fell on him, the icing splattering all over him. "NOOOO!!!!" Caius yelled loudly. Everyone jumped and looked at him. "THE CUPCAKES! QUICKLY SAVE THEM!" Caius started to pick them up.

"I am afraid you guys will have to leave." McGonagall said.

"Don't worry, we will." Jane said and all of the Vulturi had to drag out Caius from the room, who was still sobbing.

"Caius, they are freakin cupcakes! Get over it!" Aro said, shaking him.

"I know! Let's go look for the guy! I bet he has tons of other cupcakes!" Caius said and ran off, out of the castle and back to the forest, the rest of the Vulturi after him.


	9. Take that Hermione!

ok so the last chapter was retarded, i'll give you guys that xD

this is a response to a review. it may be you, may not:

i made bella and edward and the other cullens act loud and crazy because i wanted the story to be funny, so i had to change their personalities a bit. other than that they are normal :)

so plz read this story, as well as my other story, Our Darkest Hour and review it! :)

* * *

"Gimmie your cupcakes!" Caius yelled.

"Where the hell is my mom?" Vuldemort said, looking around. "Oh crap, that's right, I killed her!" He cursed (idk if he did its been a long time since i read harry potter).

"Cupcakes!" Caius tackled Voldemort to the ground and the rest of the Vulturi caught up to him.

"Hey! Those cupcakes are store bought OK?" Voldemort said.

"Oh, well then, I'll just get off of you then." Caius said.

"No," Voldemort grabbed Caius and held him there, "this just feels right." Voldemort said.

"Omfg! Fag!" Caius jumped off of him and started to smack off his robes as if Voldemort had a bunch of germs on him.

"You, snake person, I have one question." Aro said.

"Yes?" Voldemort raised and lowered his eyebrows really fast, smiling.

"Yeah that's not disturbing." Alec muttered under his breath.

"Are you good or evil?" Aro asked.

"Depends of your definition." Voldemort said and inhaled a flower near him.

"Are you good or not?" Jane growled. Voldemort almost jumped back.

"Uh, good, duh." Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"Oh, OK then, let's go to that castle, Jane had something to show us." Aro said.

"Hold on, my posse is here." Voldemort stood up. His band of death eaters came out of the shadows. "What up my home skillet biscuit?" Voldemort said to one.

"Uh, nothing?" It said.

"How many are there?" Jane asked.

"I don't know, allot?" Voldemort shrugged (I forgot xD).

"So can we go now?" Cauis asked, tapping his foot.

"Yes yes, onward!" Voldemort said and the group left.

* * *

Harry and pals were in the Griffendor common room, studying for a test in whichever subject.

"I wish I knew magic, it sound fun." Renesmee said, reading one of Hermione's thick books.

"It would be beyond your intellect." Hermione snorted. Alice, who had been sitting at the fireplace playing checkers with a kid looked up.

"Hermione!" Ron gasped.

"How? Don't you think I could grow?" Renesmee glared.

"No. Your just not that advanced." Hermione said.

"Oh yeah little miss logical?" Alice had reached over her and snatched away her book and tossed it into the fireplace.

"Hey! I need that!" Hermione said and jumped up.

"Then go get it." Alice glared. Hermione gulped loudly.

"I'm not intimidated by hacks like you!" Hermione said, trying to sound brave, but her voice was shaky.

"Why don't you use those books and look up something called manners? Or an open mind?" Alice growled. Hermione shrunk back, her eyes the size of dinner plates.

"I-I, at least I can prove something logically! Unlike you, you follow pictures in your mind!" She said.

"That's because my visions are dead on, the truth. They have never failed me." Alice said.

"Oh yeah? Prove it!" Hermione snapped.

"Jasper is about to run in here carrying a cauldron with a potion inside it then will dump it on that chair." Alice said. In a few seconds, Jasper came running in, a glint in his eyes and dumped the contents on a chair.

"Ha-ha!" Jasper laughed.

"Lucky guess." Hermione scoffed.

"Your cat will jump on your head in two minutes." Alice said and turned around to walk away.

"Hey don't leave!" Hermione snapped and ran forward. Right on cue, Crookshanks jumped on Hermione's head, hissed and jumped off.

"I'd also use those books of yours to look up a hairbrush. Ever herd of one? How about shampoo? Because your growing a bush on your head." Alice said and left. Hermione fell down on her chair, glowering.

"You just got owned." Ron said.

* * *

Filch mopped the ground. He stood back to view his work admiringly. The entrance looked spiffy. He walked over to pick up the bucket of dirty mop water, when the door flew open, the bucket fell down, spilling its contents all over the floor. Filch stared at it, open mouthed. Aro and Caius lumbered in, as well as the rest of the Vulturi and Voldemort's gang.

"You missed a spot." Caius looked down and pointed.

"I can see that." Filtch growled and started to clean up.

"Whew! What smells in here?" Marcus said and started to wave the space around him.

"Ew! I know!" Aro started to gag.

"Hey! I just cleaned up!" Filch snapped.

"You didn't do a good job janitor." Marcus said.

"I'm not a janitor!" Filch said.

"Here my good fellow, take a tip." Voldemort flipped a coin at him. Filch then saw Voldemort and fainted.

"Whoa, didn't know I was so smexy." Voldemort said.

"Holy tomato!" Renesmee said. He had walked bye and stooped to stare at the gang in the hall.

"Hello Nessie!" Aro beamed.

"CHILD MOLESTER!" Renesmee screamed and ran.

"Hey! I'm not the dog humping your leg!" Aro called after her.

"I don't hump her leg!" Jacob's voice shouted some were.

Renesmee ran into the Great Hall and ran all the way up to Dumbledore's table, it was lunch time.

"Yes?" Dumbedore asked.

"The Vulturi are here! With a snake looking guy!" She said.

"Oh shizzel." Snape said from his end. Everyone looked at him like, wtf? "What? I know terms." He grumbled.

"You are not sexy! I;m not gay!" Caius said.

"Your just jealous." A familiar voice said. The doors opened and the "Vuldeturi" walked in.

* * *

As you can clearly see, i dont like Hermione :D plz dont leave snooty comment like, ugh! you are so retarded! woldemort would not act like that and would not go to Hogwarts like that! ugh! im going to go read crappy fanfiction! or something like that......

* * *


	10. burn Bella burn, disco inferno xD

yay! im updating xD. sry i couldn't sooner, i was busy. busy with what? STUDYING FOR THE MAP TEST!!! the map test is a super easy test you have to take in the state of MO if you go to a public school, which i do. its not that bad, i actually like my public school. :) anyway, enough of my jibber-jabbering, read the stroy and be sure to comment! XD

* * *

Everyone stared at them.

"I'm uncomfortable." Marcus said.

"Oh no. I forgot about these people." Voldemort said. Dumbledore got up. "Oh hell no! Take this!" Voldemort said ad raised his wand. Dumbledroe and the teachers were wall knocked out and glued to the wall by giant green goo.

"They look like boogers!" Caius laughed.

"Omg, they do!" Jane agreed and the two started to laugh. The students all got up (except the Slytherins).

"Uh, what do you want?" Voldeort said, twitching.

"What's going on?" Aro asked a death eater.

"Voldemort is scared of kids." He said.

"Why?" Aro asked.

"Because they are short." The death eater said.

"Save me! Oh dear god! I can't stand all these short people!" Voldemort said and ran away. The death eaters did the same thing to the kids as they did to the teachers.

"We must be inside Hagrid's nose." Voldemort observed.

"Ha-ha, I get it." A death eater said.

"Oh this is great." Harry said, trying to get out.

"Harry stop it, we'll get rescued." Hermione said.

"How do you know?" Harry asked.

"Because. I'm smart." Hermione said.

"DUN-DUN-DUNT-DUNT-DUNT-DAD-DUH!" A loud voice said. Everyone turned to look around. Ron's floating car (from the second book) came crashing through the window and swirled around, then landed on the ground. Renesmee and Emmet fell out.

"Look at what we found in the forest!" Renesmee pointed.

"My dad's car!" Ron gasped.

"It's your? Well then that means we cant keep it." Emmet grumbled.

"Are these the other vampires?" Voldemort asked.

"Yeah. There is more of them." Aro said.

"Who picked their nose and didn't use a Kleenex?" Renesmee asked, looking around.

"Uh, that guy." Voldemort pointed to Hagrid (I just thought of something, Voldemort got Hagrid expelled, so the two would know each other, an that happened 50 years ago, so hagrid would be in like his sixtes or eighties or seventies! :D)

"What?" Hagris asked.

"Ew." Emmet said.

"Let go of me bub? Do you know who I am? Google me!" Rosalie awas being dragged in along with the rest of teh Cullen's.

"We found them chasing ghosts." A Death Eater said.

"Wait, there is one missing. Were is Bella?" Aro counted. There was a sound as if pots and pans were being banged together.

"CHARGE!" Bella's voice yelled. The house elves in the kitchen all charged through, knocking Voldemort, Aro, and the Vuldeturi off their feet and on to the ground.

"Big people suck!" One said and they started to kick them.

"Ow! Hey! Ow! This kinda tickles!" Voldemort started to squirm and laugh.

"What the?" Hermione asked.

"I managed to change there minds and ordered a revolt! My friends, free the Cullen's!" Bella said. The Elves slowly turned to her, they were glaring. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Bella asked.

"We don't take any more bull from big people!" One said. The midget army turned on her and started to kick her and punch her.

"How dare you! You are just rip off's of Santa's Elves!" Bella cried. The students were laughing as Bella was getting beaten up by the elves. Then, in a swift movement, she grabbed Voldemort's wand which was sticking out of his pocket. "Were is the on switch?" She asked, turning it over and smacking it.

"Say something!" Aro yelled.

"Uh, midget be biggest?" She said and waved it. The Elves all suddenly grew to normal sized people. They all exchanged looks, then turned on each other.

"Wow Bella, you turned them against you!" Edward said.

"Yeah, these things just come to me." Bella blushed as flipped the wand, it fell on the ground and Voldemort grabbed his wand.

"Adva Kadavara!" He said (idk if that is how it is spelled xD i do know is that it sounds allot like Alla-Kazam! :D). Bella suddenly burst into flames and started running around the place, waving her arms screaming.


	11. Stop, Drop, and Roll

rply to a review:

well mister or miss, if you must know, I got the idea while watching a youtube video called Twilight vs. Harry Potter, but I did not decide to write it until a few hours later. plz do not curse at me, i don't like to be disrespected by a child. xD, if you did not like the story, then why did you favorite it? plz do not respond, I reported you for abuse.

story time everyone! xD

* * *

"I'm on FYAH!" Bella screamed.

"Fyah?" Emmet asked, crinkling his nose.

"Do not correct me in my grammar skills at this moment Emmet!" Bella hissed.

"Mom! It's stop, drop, and roll!" Renesmee said.

"Huh?" Bella asked.

"Stop running." Renesmee said. Bella did and just stood there, light as a torch.

"Drop." Renesmee said, motioning for Bella to lye down. Bella did so. "And roll." Renesmee said and spun around, mimicking rolling. Bella did and the flames were put out after a few rolls. She stood up and brushed her self off.

"False alarm people!" She said, holding her hands up. Then, she burst into flames again, Voldemort on the floor laughing so hard.

"I'm on FYAH AGAIN!" Bella screamed.

"Mom, just repeat what you just did." Renesmee said. Bella stopped, dropped, and rolled again, and stood up, but again, she burst into flames. Even Emmet and Jasper were laughing so hard. Bella then jumped out of one of the windows and ran down to the lake, and dove in. The Cullen's, the ones that were not on the floor laughing, went to the window. There was a sizzling noise, and Bella got up.

"I'm good!" She said, waving, drenched form head to toe. She ran back up to the castle and jumped in.

"Just stay wet, I'm sure then you wont burst into flames." Edward observed.

"Or wear fire proof close." Renesmee said.

"What kind of close are fire proof?" Bella asked her.

"A firefighters." Renesmee said, and pulled out a firefighters hat and placed it on Bella's head.

"Is this thing real?" Bella said, tugging on it.

"Yeah." Renesmee chirped.

"Nessie, why do you have a firefighters hat?" Edward asked.

"Because the jacket didn't fit in my pocket." Renesmee said as if that was obvious.

"Oh, so." Edward turned slowly to Voldemort who was picking his nose with his wand.

"Should I run?" Voldemort asked, inching toward the door.

"I would." Edward growled.

"AHHH!" Voldemort screamed and pushed death eaters in his way. Edward easily pushed past them and accidentally pulled ones mask off and he ran after Voldemort.

"Father?" Malfoy said.

"No, Malfoy," Malfoy's dad said and stood up,"I'm not your dad."

"GASP!" Emmet said.

"Well, then who is?" Malfoy asked, about to cry.

"Professor Flitwick." He said and pointed.

"GASP!" Jasper repeated. Everyone's head turned to Professor Flitwick, who had woken up.

"What? But he-" Malfoy said.

"Nah, I'm just f-ing with ya." Malfoy's dad (Lucuis or whatever the hell his name is), laughing.

* * *

that was extremely Short, a new world record! xD, make sure to comment ppl!


	12. Cedric and Edward!

thanks everyone for the comments XD there were over 921 visitors to this story yesterday, so i should better update or 921 ppl will virtually find me and virtually kill me :D

* * *

"Get in my way meat shields!" Voldemort said and pushed all of his death eaters in the way. Edward, teeth bared and claws out, stopped in front of one.

"AHHH!" Ir cringed and screamed like a girl. Edward jumped at the scream and gave him a what-the-hell look, but soon pushed past him after Voldemort. Bella was struggling to try to tug the firefighters hat off her head, which was stuck.

"C'mon Emmet, let's free the students." Renesmee said.

"How? They're all glues to the wall with boogers." Emmet said.

"With a giant Kleenex." Renesmee said and out of her pocket, pulled out a Kleenex the size of the floor.

"How big is your pocket?" Emmet asked, observing the tiny pocket.

"Very." She said.

"but that is impossible." Emmet said, pointing.

"Not if you believe Emmet, do you believe?" Renesmee asked him.

"In what?" Emmet asked.

"In Magical Toasters!" Renesmee cried, then jumped up on the wall and started to wipe at the goo.

"Did some one give her soda?" Bella asked, stumbling over chairs to trty and pull off the firefighters hat.

"Uh, maybe." Ron's voice said.

"You!" Bella turned to a Hufflepuff second year, the hat blocking her vision. "If you give her soda she sees things like magic bunnies and evil leprechauns!" Bella said.

"Uh, I didn't do it!" The Hufflepuff said, about to pee his pants.

"Oh. Were is that guy?" Bella turned around.

"OMG!" Renesmee cried.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"Look! There is a daddy look-a-like!" Renesmee said. She freed the person and dragged them over.

"Hey, he does look like Edward! What's your name?" Jasper asked.

"Cedric Diggory." He said (i know, he's supposed to be dead but Robert Pattinson played him in goblet of fire so I had to do a spoof about it :D).

"An Edward look-a-like?" Bella asked, turning around. "I can't see a thing!" She complained. Emmet walked over and tugged. The hat came unstuck. "Much better, whoa! You do look like Edward!" Bella said.

"Let go of Cedric!" A vocie called. The Cullen's turned to the voice. It was Cho Chang.

"An Asian English person!" Renesmee said and pointed.

"What did she say?" Bella asked.

"She told us to let go of Edward number two." Jasper said.

"My name is Cedric." Cedric said.

"Shut it Edward number two!" Jasper hissed.

"Death Eaters!" Voldemort yelled as he ran bye, Edward on his tail. The death eaters turned to him. "We are leaving!" He said. The death eaters ran out of the room and Edward gave up to chase and walked back in. There was whipping noise. "Yah bitch, yah! Giddy up!" Voldemort said somewhere, then he and the death eaters were gone.

"That was weird." Jane said form were she was.

"Truce?" The house elves asked after beating each other up.

"Yeah, let's get back to the kitchen, I feel like cooking." One said.

"And I want to clean." The house elves left, shuffling out the door in a neat alphabetical line. The politely said excuse me to Edward who was standing in the door.

"So what did I miss?" He said and walked over.

"YOU'VE BEEN CLONED!" Emmet said and pointed to Cedric. The two looked at each other.

"You look like me!" Edward said.

"And you look like me!" Cedric said.

"You know what that means?" Edward asked.

"Threesome with your hot wife?" Cedric asked.

"What the!?" Emmet laughed.

"No....maybe. I meant, shopping!" Edward said.

"Shopping?" Cedric said.

"Yeah, you need to get Edward-a-fied." Edward said and dragged Cedric out of the room. "We'll be back later!" He called.

"Cedric!" Cho cried.

"Shut up you cry baby." Emmet said. They freed the rest of the students with the help of Renesmee's magical Kleenex.

"Can you free us?" Aro asked. They were on the ground, tied up from the House elves.

"If you say one thing." Carlisle said.

"Sure, what?" Aro asked, wiggling.

"I am a wimp and Carlisle is a pimp, he is so much cooler than me, I am so jealous and I am a child molester kidnapper." Carlsile said.

"What?! I'm not saying that!" Aro said.

"Fine, then you'll stay on the ground." Carlisle huffed.

"OK! OK! I'll say it!" Aro said.

"Awesome, hold on." Carlisle pulled out a tape recorder and pressed record.

"Now say it clearly." Carlisle said.

"I am a wimp and Carlisle is a pimp, he is so much cooler than me, I am so jealous and I am a child molester kidnapper." Aro said.

"Thank you for complying." Carlisle said smugly and put the tape recorder back in his pocket and freed the Vulturi.

* * *

chapter is done, another short one. comment plz


	13. runaway doose!

thanks everyone for commenting :D i feel so special. im so sorry to say that this story is almost over T_T I know, what will you do with your lives? D: anyway, here is another chapter.

* * *

"You fly around on brooms?" Emmet asked.

"Yeah, it's fun." Harry said. It was the next day and the Vulturi left, well, Dumbledore made them leave after Aro tried to burn the paintings for teasing him.

"Can we come?" Alice asked.

"Uh, sure." Ron said.

"Promise you wont destroy the match? This really matters to everyone." Harry said.

"Sure, who are you playing?" Alice asked.

"Hufflepuf." Harry said.

"Cedric still hasn't come back, I hope Edward didn't rape him." Hermione said.

"Don't worry, my dad isn't gay." Renesmee pipped up from eating toast.

"Oh gee, what a relief." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I know!" Renesmee laughed. The door opened and Edward and Cedric walked in.

"Whoa, you two look alike even more!" Emmet said.

"I know, it's awesome having a twin." Edward said.

"Oh Harry, I'm going to cancel the match, I don't want to mess up my hair." Cedric said, running his hands through his messy hair.

"What! You can't can't!" Harry said.

"Fine, then, Jasper, you're replacing Cedric." Edward said. Jasper spat out the milk he had been drinking.

"What? He has to be a student!" Hermione said.

"Fine, Nessie, go get the hat." Edward said. Renesmee nodded and disappeared then reappeared with the sorting hat. She placed it on Jasper's head.

"RAVENCLAW!" It said.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" Renesmee screamed over it.

"See, now he can be take Cedric's place." Edward said.

"But I don't know how to play Quidditch!" Jasper said.

"Don't worry, just hop on a broom, fly around and you'll do fine." Cedric pulled out his broom stick and handed it to him.

"I don't even want to know were this has been." Jasper said, gagging.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Whew! KICK HIS ASS JASPER!" Alice yelled, decked out in yellow. Cedric and Edward sat next to each other, matching. It was the Quidditch match and the school turned out to watch.

"Oh boy, what did I do to deserve this?" Jasper asked, as he got on the broom.

"All right, let's do this shit." Madame Hooch burped. She blew the whistle and the match started. Jasper looked around, stuck were he was.

"Uh, go?" He said. The broom shot down the field. "AHHHH! RENEGADE BROOM!" He cried. It tore into the stands. Jasper hit it and fell off. "Ow my groin!" He said. The rest of the match was followed by a bunch of plays. Jasper nearly ran into the stands, he threw the Bludger at people when they cursed at him, he almost fell twice, but in the end Harry quickly found the Snitch and Griffendor won.

"That's OK Jasper, next time we'll-" The team came over and started talking to him.

"Hey Jasper, with a little practice you should do OK." Cedric said.

"Next time? There wont be a next time! I'm going home!" Jasper said and threw the broom to the ground.

"What? We can't leave!" Edward said.

"Well I am. I miss my own room back home." Jasper snapped and stomped off.

"Uh, I'll go with him." Alice said. The two packed their things and left shortly after wards.

"Oh boy, looks like I have to be on the Quidditch team again." Cedric sighed at dinner later the day.

"That's OK me." Edward said.

"Edward! Will you stop having a bromance with yourself?" Bella huffed.

"Bromance?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, romance, except with a guy and it's not gay, but it's stupid." Bella said.

"Huh, no." Edward said and turned back to Cedric.

"Is Dad gay?" Renesmee asked.

"I'm starting to think so." Bella muttered.

"Alice just called, her and Jasper just got on their plane." Carlisle said.

"Aw, I don't want to leave. I like it here." Emmet said.

"Me too." Esme said.

"Hey! That Snape guy gave me a drink!" Rosalie said walking over.

"Drink it!" Renesmee said.

"Uh, I wouldn't." Harry said, jumping up. Rosalie gulped it down and slammed the cup on the table.

"Hm, taste's funny." She said. Renesmee gasped and Esme started laughing. "What?" Rosalie asked. Emmet held up a mirror. She had the head of a giant duck, and the body of a moose. "WHAT THE HELL!" She screamed/quaked.

"Your a Doose, or a Muck." Esme said between fits of laughter.

"Your beautiful!" Emmet laughed. Everyone turned to look at her. Rosalie slowly turned around and glared at Snape.

"Come here Greece Monkey!" She roared ans charged after her.

"Runaway Doose!" Emmet shouted. Rosalie charged past the students, flung the table over and flattened Snape.

"CATCH THAT DOOSE!" Dumbledore shouted.

* * *

make sure to comment ppl, no flames :D


	14. hey he sat on me!

regarding all of those reviews from that nerd:  
i was trying to be funny, this story isnt supposed to be serious. and no, thank you very much I am not a twihard if you read my profile you would clearly see that, and dont call me dude, im a girl jackass.  
if you did not like the story from the first chapter, then you did not have to leave those nasty comments and could have moved on and read a different story. i dont know all those things about harry potter because unlike you, i have a life, maybe you should get one?

PS i have read the harry potter books thank you very much, who hasn't? i just dont over analyze and read the internet for extra crap no one gives a shit about

i thought it was obvious this story was a crack fanfic XD i do not enjoy being mean about a comment a stranger left on a fanfic, it makes me feel like a nerd, so BEWARE PPL! :D!

story time little children

* * *

"HE-HAW!" Rosalie said and pranced around the room. The students and teachers ran around trying to capture her, but she would either bite them, or hind leg them.

"I got her!" Snape said and held up his wand. Rosalie turned around and hit him below the waist.

"Whoa! You got his batteries!" Emmet said and started to laugh. Snape fell to the ground.

"Why are you crying? Like you ever used them." Edward said. Rosalie bounded out of the room and out of sight. Emmet chased after her.

"I hope he doesn't eat her." Esme said, looking back.

"I wonder what a Doose would taste like. Crap, now I'm thirsty." Carlisle said.

------------------------------------------------

"That test was easy, I bet I aced it." Hermoine said the next day as Harry and Pals sat around the lake on a lazy Saturday.

"Off coarse you would." Ron muttered.

"GET BACK HERE ROSALIE!" Emmet yelled from across the lake as The stiletto of Emmet and Doose-Rosalie pranced bye.

"HE-HAW!" Doose-Rosalie said and the two diapered into the forest.

"I wonder if he'll catch her." Harry said.

"Probably, he is a vampire." Hermione said.

"Move over poor people." Malfoy came prancing by, holding up a cheat sheet of the test they took yesterday in potions.

"Hey! You have a cheat sheet! That's against the rules!" Hermione said.

"F*ck the rules, I have money." Malfoy said and his gang trampled bye and over to a shady tree.

"Are you going to take that crap?" A voice said. They turned around to find Edward and Cedric standing together, still wearing the same thing.

"Uh, no." Ron said.

"Then punch that S.O.B." Edward said.

"But he's rich." Ron said.

"So? you have red hair." Edward pointed out.

"Gasp! I never thought about that!" Ron rolled his eyes sarcastically.

"What does Ron having red hair have to do with being better than Malfoy?" Hermione asked.

"Red hair is the color of the majority! The majority of poor people!" Cedric said.

"So...?" Hermione asked.

"Show him the power of the minority and kick his rich little p*ssy ass!" Edward said.

"Yeah! I'm not going to be pushed around!" Ron whipped out his wand.

"What the? What's up with the wooden dildo?" Edward said.

"This is what I'm going to use to kick said ass." Ron said.

"No," Cedric took Ron's wand and tossed it into the lake, "your going to use your fist and your feet!" Edward finished.

"What? A fist fight?" Ron said.

"Yeah, make him cry." Edward said.

"Uh, OK?" Ron said.

"Now go get him Spider Man!" Edward pushed him over to Malfoy's gang.

"What do you want Weasel?" Malfoy sneered.

"Hiyah!" Ron punched Malfoy pitifully.

"This is the part were we run." Cedric said and Edward and Cedric took off. There was a loud yelp and the ground shook.

----------------------------------

"I would have beaten him up if Crabble and Goyle didn't sit on me." Ron grumbled a few hours later in the hospital wing.

"Keep telling your self that Ron." Hermione said.

"It was a good thing Emmet and Doose-Rosalie ran bye and trampled Crabble and Goyle." Harry said.

"Hey Ronald, we herd about the fight." Cedric and Edward reappeared.

"Yeah, thanks allot." Ron glared.

"Look, next time you should try and not punch like a prepubescent girl?" Edward suggested.

"Maybe you could beat up Malfoy for me!" Ron said.

"Uh, no, I'm not a thug." Edward said, deflating Ron. Emmet walked in with Doose-Rosalie on reigns.

"Good news everybody, Snape agreed to make a potion to turn her back to normal after I threat end to eat him." He said.

"Uh, cool?" Cedric said.

"C'mon Doose-Rosalie, that's a good girl." Emmet and Doose-Rosalie disappeared in the hallway.

"I got to go, I got to take a shower." Cedric said.

"Excuse me?" Edward asked.

"I got to take a shower, I'm starting to smell." Cedric said, putting up his hands.

"Gasp! And ruin your hair?!" Edward looked insulted.

"Relax, I'll just use Grease." Cedric said.

"I use natural hair grease! You are not worthy to look like me!" Edward said and slapped Cedric across the face.

"Hey! That wasn't nice!" Cedric said.

"Shut up you hasben and get out of my sight!" Edward said.

"Dad? When are we going to leave?" Renesmee walked in.

"Uh-"Edward started.

"DAMN IT! DOOSE-ROSALIE GET BACK HERE!" Emmet's voice yelled.

"He-Haw!" Doose-Rosalie croaked in response.

"Looks like Emmet lost Rosalie again." Renesmee said, a smile forming on her face.

"Hold that thought Nessie, I got to go help." Edward said and left.

* * *

yay!!! another chappie in the bag. :D plz comment, and try to remember this: NO FLAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank u :3

and yes, i should probably change the rating


	15. To The Forest of Make Believe!

another review response to VNTnata:

no it was not to you, it was to some person named layla or something...if that is you gosh why were you so mean, lol

anyway, thanx ppl for more reviews :D here is another chapter you all wanted

* * *

"Crappy Machine!" Bella said and tackled the vending machine.

"Why is there a vending machine in a magic school?" Renesmee said and walked over.

"I don't know but it ate my quarter!" Bella said.

"Did it occur to you that first, we are in a different country so they would not take American money, and second, WE ARE AT A SCHOOL THAT TEACHES MAGIC AND HAS NO ELECTRICITY SO A VENDING MACHINE WOULD NOT WORK!" Renesmee said.

"Whoa, Nessie, what happened to you?" Bella asked.

"I just crashed from my sugar high." Renesmee said and held her head.

"Well, have some Red Bull." Bella said and pulled out a Red Bull from the Vending Machine. Renesmee took a sip.

"That's actually tasty." She said and grabbed another, then another, and another, then she had over 30 Red Bulls. Her eye dilated and she started to jump. "Hey mom, hows it going? Man isn't it hot? What's the weather?" Renesmee asked.

"Uh, it's sixty degrees out." Bella said.

"Oh, man I'm hot, whoa, did you see that?" Renesmee pointed tot the wall.

"What?" Bella asked.

"The walls all moving." Renesmee said.

"Oh shit, RUN!" Bella screamed and ran, then, as if the fuse on a bomb ran out, Renesmee let out a ear splattering roar and took off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now class, today in Divination we will-" Professor Trelawney started. Peeves suddenly bolted up.

"Watch out! Renegade Toddler on Red Bull!" He said.

"Peeves, are you scared?" A student asked.

"Oh dear god, children RUN!" Trelawney said and ducked under her desk. The trap door flew open and Renesmee bolted up, hopping of the walls, screaming at the top of her lungs. Papers, books, tea cups, crystal balls, flew across the room.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Renesmee screamed.

"RUN!" A student shouted and they all scrambled to go down the ladder. Renesmee grabbed a crystal ball and threw it at the back of Professor Trelawney's head. She blacked out and fell.

"Oh dear god help us!" Another student said.

"RED BULL GIVES YOU FREAKIN' WINGS!" Renesmee shouted, grabbed a crystal ball and jumped out of the window.

"Is that a bird?" Neville said from the ground and pointed.

"It's falling awfully fast." His buddy said.

"Is it screaming?" Neville said.

"I think so it's-" WHAM! Renesmee landed hard on the student. His friend jumped back and moved Renesmee, who was twitching, off of Neville.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"She just fell and hit me." Neville whimpered. Madame Pomfery came bustling out of her hospital.

"God dammit, more students? Can't anything normal go on around here?" She growled and marched over to heal Neville.

"Ow my head, mommy, is this what a hangover feels like?" Renesmee asked, being dragged to the hospital ward to say sorry.

"Probably, ask Emmet." Bella said. She dragged Renesmee into the hospital a few moments later.

"OH NO! PLEASE DON'T FALL ON ME!" Neville said.

"I'm sorry for falling on you." Renesmee said and walked away.

"Uncle Emmet, what does a hangover feel like?" Renesmee asked Emmet as he sat in front of a fire place reading a giant book.

"Well Nessie, you really can't explain it, you have to go through one, here, have a Scotch." Emmet pulled out a Scotch. Carlisle ran forward and took it and threw it against the wall.

"Emmet! She's a toddler! If her first sip of Alcohol is at this age it has to be a Mojito." Carlisle said.

"how about no alcohol?" Jacob said from the corner.

"Shut up and lick your balls you dog." Emmet snapped.

"Hey! I don't do that....any more." Jacob grumbled.

"Uh, I'm going to leave now crazy people." Renesmee said and ran to her room quickly.

"Anyway Emmet, have you caught Doose-Rosalie yet?" Carlisle asked.

"Oh crap! I forgot!" Emmet jumped up and threw off his reading glasses.

"You forgot to chase a half duck, half moose person?" Carlisle said and rose his eyes brows.

"I saw he run into the forbidden forest." Jacob said.

"To the magical enchanted forest!" Emmet said and ran out of the room

* * *

i wonder what kinds of fun they will have in the forest, comment ppl and you will find out, NO FLAMES! :D


	16. This forest is weird

apparently i've been spelling vulturi wrong, ohwell :D my spelling is retarded spelling

anyway..i want you ppl to know i have other stories, they're serious though, kinda, but they have a plot they include:

The Last Immortal Child (the last immortal child is hunted down by the Vulturi and seeks the help from the Cullen's and the Deanli coven)

The Pretenders (werewolves come to kill Jacob's pack)

Ouija Board A Night We Will Never Forget (Renesmee calls upon three ghosts and deamons that invade her home, read it, its funny)

Everyone Has a Price (Aro tricks the cullen's to come to the Vulturi HQ and Renesmee is black mailed into joining)

Our Darkest Hour (this one is rated M for future blood and gore, title says it all)

those are just some, plz read them :D plz? i also have a Beta Reader Profile, so, does anyone want to write a story with me? :Di promise i will be good

i also have a poll, go to my profile and vote now! xD

* * *

"Open the door magic giant." Emmet said. Hagrid jumped from his bed and opened the door.

"What?" He asked them.

"Can you lead us through the Forbidden Forest? My girl friend ran in there." Emmet said. Carlisle, Esme, Bella, and Edward stood behind him.

"Uh, I have a class to teach." Hagrid motioned. The Cullen's turned around to see a group of kids, along with Harry and Pals.

"Great they can come." Emmet said.

"Fine." Hagrid said and grabbed A cross bow.

"Whoa! what is that for?" Ememt said.

"Just in case we need to.....shoot it." Hagrid said and petted the cross bow. "Come on class, let's go!" He said.

"What and oaf, leading us into the Forbidden Forest, if I get eaten my father will-" Malfoy started to drawl on about what he was going to do. They walked into the forest, Carlisle was talking about a surgery he did on a kid who got ran over by a tractor.

"Your a vampire but your a doctor?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, it's fun." Carlisle said and walked forward, Ron looked as if he was about to faint. The shadows grew darker and darker and the sun was blocked out.

"How can you find yer way around?" Hagrid asked.

"I can smell, wait, did you hear that?" Emmet said. Everyone stopped and looked around.

"I didn't hear anything." Malfoy said. Suddenly there was the noise of hooves galloping and a Unicorn shot out of the bush, followed by a group of elves.

"HOLY DELICIOUS!" Emmet said and sprung after it.

"Emmet wait! Bumblebee said we couldn't eat the magic creatures!" Edward said and chased after him.

"Come here!" Emmet yelled.

"Why is that guy chasing after the Unicorn?" An elf asked.

"I don't know." The second elf said. They stopped and turned around.

"Hey little elves, are you going to make me some cookies?" Emmet asked.

"ELVES! ATTACK!" They said. Out of the shadows, little elves sprung out and grabbed Emmet.

"HELP! I'M GOING TO GET COOKIE RAPPED BY ELVES!" Emmet yelled. Edward caught up.

"Oh my god!" He said.

"Hagrid is here!" Hagrid came lumbering over and shot one of the elves with his crossbow. The others all screamed and disbanded, carrying Emmet. "Get back here ye short little bastards!" Hagrid roared and shot after them along with Edward. Meanwhile back with the students.......

"Is he going to be OK?" Hermione asked Esme.

"Oh Emmet? He'll be fine." Esme said. They continued to walk on and into the forest.

"Doose-Rosalie! Doose-Rosalie!" Bella called.

"He-Haw!" A far away voice called.

"That's her! Let's go!" Carlisle said and the group raced off. They arrived by a shallow pond and looked around.

"Doose-Rosalie!" Bella called.

"He-Haw!" Her voice croaked, closer this time. The group crept along and arrived by an opening. A centaur was sitting down with Doose-Rosalie.

"Firenze?" Harry whispered.

"Shh!" Carlisle quieted him.

"So, your name is He-Haw, interesting, what's your occupation?" Firenze asked.

"He-Haw!" Doose-Rosalie said. Hermione narrowed her eyes as she notice Doose-Rosalie was being tied to a rock.

"I used to be a teacher too! So, you say your mom was a duck?" Firenze asked, inching toward her.

"Is he trying to flirt with Rosalie?" Esme asked, she looked as if she was about to laugh.

"This is sick." Malfoy gagged.

"It's kinda kinky." Goyle said. Malfoy looked at him like, WTF?

Meanwhile......

"Oh please kind cookie making elves, I did not means to eat your unicorn!" Emmet said as they tied him down to a midget table, but it broke under his weight.

"Shut up! You will become a cookie!" An elf said.

"Holy Shit, your cannibal elves!" Emmet said. They moved him slowly to the oven, Emmet's shoulder's got stuck so they had to shove him in and the walls broke.

"Start the oven!" One said.

"This is very unpleasant." Emmet said, his head in the oven. The tiny door opened and Edward came crawling in.

"What the fu-"

"GET THE GIANT!" And elf said. They jumped on him and Edward started thrashing about.

"They're like freakin' ticks!" He said.

"Ah! MY head is not meant to be hit that way!" Emmet said in the oven.

"Don't worry Emmet pal, I'm coming!" Edward said. There was a ripping noise and the giant tree they were in suddenly was in two.

"Here's Hagrid!" Hagrid's insanely twisted face said. The elves all exchanged looks then attacked him. he shoved his cross-bow into the tree and fired.

"Ow! My ass!" Emmet said.

"Oops, sorry!" Hagrid said. He jumped back and lit the tree on fire.

"AHHH! ABANDON THE TREE!" The elves said and ran out. Edward grabbed Emmet and pulled him out of the oven.

"Whoa Emmet! It's looks like you have a bad sunburn!" Edward cackled.

"Get me out of here!" Emmet said. Edward nodded and dragged him out and to safety.

"Were is Hagrid?" Edward said and looked around. The tree behind them was lit like a candle. Hagrid stood in front of it and turned around slowly. He walked fore ward and pulled off magical sunglasses that appeared on him somehow slowly and the tree blew up. He stood over the two vampires, held up the cross bow and blew on the arrow part as if it was a smoking gun.

"Bam." He said. Edward and Emmet exchanged glasses.

"Hagrid? Are you OK?" Edward asked.

"I'm bitchin." He said. The embers from the tree died away and little lumps of elf bodies appeared in the ash.

"We are so screwed." Emmet said.

"Oh well, let's go get yer wife." Hagrid said. Out of no were, a Pegasus ran toward them and stopped in front of Emmet.

"Right!" Emmet and Edward and Hagrid jumped on and flew up.

Meanwhile back with the Perverted Centaur.......

"I've never meet a cross bread Centaur so beautiful like you..." Firenze said, leaning toward her.

"Oh it's getting hot and heavy!" Crabble said.

"He-Haw!" Doose-Rosalie said.

"Do you mind if I.....kiss you?" Firenze said.

"He-Haw!?" Doose-Rosalie said, scooting away.

"He's making his move! Stop him!" Hermione said.

"Hell no!" Carlisle said, he had a video camera pointed toward them and was munching on popcorn, Bella leaned over and snagged some.

"What the?" Hermione said. Firenze kissed Doose-Rosalie.

"He-Haw! He-Haw! HE-HAW!!!" Doose-Rosalie said, thrashing about.

"Is that moose for rape?" Esme asked.

"Maybe it's duck for rape." Carlisle said, zooming in with his camera.

"What is it's both?" Bella asked.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WIFE!!!!!" A voice said. Emmet appeared out of the tree tops riding on the Pegasus. Firenze jumped up.

"He-Haw! Your married?" He asked. Emmet landed down and jumped off of the Pegasus and ran forward and punched Firenze in the face.

"Do something!" Hermione said to Carlisle.

"It's starting to get good!" Carlisle said. Edward fell off of the Pegasus, twitching. Hagrid jumped off after him.

"Eddie!" Bella jumped up out of the bush and ran forward.

"Eddie?" Emmet turned around. Firenze jumped up and kicked Emmet with his front legs.

"A duel then? To win the heart of He-Haw?" He said.

"Bring it Horsey, I eat things like you for break feast!" Emmet said. The class jumped out off the bushes to watch and Carlisle moved a bit closer to film, Esme was chomping on the popcorn. Emmet ran at Firenze, and Firenze in return kicked at Emmet. The fight escalated and the class stood in a circle around them, chanting: "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"Oh this is getting out of hand!" Hermione stormed over to Doose-Rosalie, whipping out her wand.

"He-Haw?" Doose-Rosalie looked at her. Hermione said some words and poof, Rosalie turned to normal.

"Oh my god! thank you, He-HAW!" Rosalie said.

"Sorry, I'm not that good at that spell." Hermione said (shocking). Emmet looked up from the fight, Firenze locked under his under arm from a noogie.

"Rosalie! Your normal!" He said and ran over to her.

"She's a human!?" Firenze said.

"Duh." Malfoy rolled his eyes.

"Oh, well, I'm embarrassed. I'll be leaving now." He said and walked away.

"Let's get out of this dump, He-HAW!" Rosalie said and held her mouth.

"We'll have Madame Pomfery or Professor McGonagall look at that." Harry said. They walked back to Hagrid's hut.

"Is that tree burnt down?" Ron pointed.

"No, this way." Hagrid snapped. They made it back to Hagrid's hut. "And that concludes today lesson, and the moral of the story is, don't mess with elves, and Centaurs are weird." Hagrid said and the class was over.

* * *

comment plz, and no flames

that was a rly long chappie


	17. Mentos and Soda, What Fun

I just noticed something.....twilight fans are more kind than harry potter fans! :D i mean, they dont get mad if you mess up on a fanfic and get something wrong, they leave this comment:

ROFL! lol, edward is hawt XD

but a harry potter fan will say this:

WTF!!! R U Freakin retarded?! You complete dumbass! you got all that stuff wrong! have YOU EVEN READ THE BOOKS?! you are so dumb!!! ugh!

so yeah, i hope you can point out the diffrences now that HP fans will bust your ass, and twilight fans will think ur funny and favorite ur fanfic! :D

i just got "The Host" by stephenie meyer, sry twihads, no vampires, but it is worth reading :D

* * *

In the Grrifendor common room, Bella and Edward were having a heated argument between Mentos and Life Savers.

"Life Savers are way better than Mentos!" Bella said.

"Yeah but you can't make Coke explode with a life saver!" Edward said.

"Oh, let's add that on the list of suicide attempts, swallowing mentos and Coke and having your stomach explode." Bella rolled her eyes.

"Maybe you should try some to lose weight?" Edward said.

"Bite me Edward!" Bella said and walked away. Edward paused.

"Did you really mean that?" He called chasing after her.

"What are Mentos?" Ron asked Emmet.

"Candy and a Breath Mint." Emmet said, brushing Crookshanks.

"Oh, what does it do?" Ron asked.

"If you eat some and drink Coke, you will explode because the Mentos cause the Coke to fizzle." Emmet explained.

"Let's try it!" Ron said, eager.

"Do you have any Metnos?" Harry asked, also wanting to see if it would work.

"No, but I know someone who does." Emmet said and pointed toward Renesmee who was sitting in a chair. "I'll be right back." He said and walked over. He stood in front of her, then bent down till he was on his knees. "Please, Godfather-"

"Godlady." Renesmee said.

"Uh, please Godlady, can I have a pack of Mentos?" Emmet asked.

"You come to me, in your time of need, but when have you ever helped me?" Renesmee asked.

"Uh, when you had the flu that one time and I cleaned up your throw up." Emmet said.

"Fair enough." Renesmee said and pulled out a pack of Mentos.

"Renesmee? Why are you dressed like a Mafia Don?" Bella asked as she appeared next to her.

"Mommy! I'm playing pretend!" Renesmee wailed.

"Oh, OK." Bella said and walked away.

"Ahem, any way, here I bestow upon you my hard earned Mentos-"

"I bought those for you at the gas station." Bella said.

"Mom! Ruin everything why don't you!" Renesmee cried. Bella then left again. "Take these Mentos, but I expect $1.00 back, because that is how much they cost." Renesmee said and handed them to Emmet.

"Thanks Godlady." Emmet said and got up.

"Ahem?" Renesmee said. Emmet sighed and kissed Renesmee's rings on her hand.

"Are these Ring Pops?" Emmet asked.

"OK, Godlady needs you to go, remember, I want my money by Friday." Renesmee said. Emmet walked over to Ron and Harry.

"Now all we need is some Coke." Emmet said.

"Don't worry, I can get you some." Harry said and left, then reappeared. "Here you go, I had to steal that from Seamus." Harry said and handed a small kerchief. Emmet opened it and peered it.

"Not the freaking drug!" Emmet said and threw it on the ground. The Coke spilled every were.

"Were did my magic sugar go?" Seamus walked in and looked at Emmet's feet. "NO!!!!" He cried and fell to the ground, crying. Emmet inched away, then Seamus sprung up. "YOU STOLE MY MAGIC SUGAR!" He roared and jumped on Emmet's back.

"Ahh!" Emmet cried and tried to fling Seamus off of him. Papers and books flew everywhere ans Students hurdled themselves out of the way. Emmet thrashed about and tossed Seamus off of him and out the window.

A few minutes later.............

"OK, now that we know Seamus isn't dead, I meant the Soda, Cokacola." Emmet said.

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Harry said and pulled out some Coke, the soda.

"What is that?" Ron asked pointing.

"Soda." Emmet said and opened it.

"What's Soda?" Ron asked.

"Like butter beer, except you can get a Sugar High if you drink enough, here have some." Emmet poured Ron a tiny piece in a paper cup. Ron took it and drunk some.

"Whoa! That's delicious!" Ron reached for some more. Emmet slapped his hand.

"No, we need to save this." Emmet said. He drunk some, but did not swallow, shook his head, and stuck a Mento in his mouth. There was a fizzing noise, then Soda exploded out of Emmet's mouth, it launched across the table they were sitting at and drenched Ron.

"That....was....AWESOME! Let me try!" Ron said eagerly.

"OK." Emmet handed him the supplies. Ron repeated Emmet and drenched Harry with Soda, laughing. He did it again, but this time on Emmet. "Uh, give me the soda and mentos Ron." Emmet stood up and held out his hands.

"NO!" Ron said and jumped up, he poured some more in his mouth and popped in a Mentos, then spat the soda at Emmet.

"OW! My eye! It;s in my eyes!" Emmet screamed, rubbing his eyes furiously.

"Get Ron!" Harry yelled. The students left in the common room chased after Ron, who would blind them, then he ran out of the room and disappeared in the hall.

"Oh crap." Emmet said. Emmet and Harry ran to tell Dumbledore.

"Bumblebee! Bumblebee!" Emmet said and opened the door to Dumbledore's office.

"What is it?" He asked. Emmet explained what happened. "right hold on," Dumbledore amplified his voice, "WE HAVE A LOOSE STUDENT, ARMED AND DANGEROUS, HE IS CARRYING A PACK OF MENTOS AND SODA WHICH EXPLODE AND WILL POTENTIALLY BLIND YOU, THE STUDENT IS RON WEASLEY." He said so the whole castle could hear him. They stepped down and out of the office were a mob of people were waiting.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked them.

"We were going to hunt for the kid." A person said, waving a pitch fork.

"Right, let's go." Dumbledore grabbed a shovel and led the pack.

Meanwhile.....

Ron giggled and snuck around the corner, muttering to himself. Malfoy, Crabble, and Goyle walked down the hallway, Malfoy spouting on about being rich.

"REVENGE!" Ron said to himself. He jumped in front of Malyfoy, his mouth full of soda.

"What is it Weasley?" Malfoy sneered. "Come back for some more?" He asked as Crabble and Goyle cracked their nickel's. Ron shook his head and Malfoy exchanged glances with his cronies, then Ron smiled and popped in a Mento. A deep hissing noise came from Ron's mouth, then, the soda exploded and smashed into Malfoy. "MY HAIR!" He screamed.

"Now get out Malfoy, there's not room for the two of us in this obviously large hallway." Ron said. Malfoy, Crabble, and Goyle ran, Ron chasing after them, spraying Soda on them. He rounded a corner and froze. The mob of people stood, glaring at him. Ron smiled.

"Just try." He said and raised the soda to his mouth. Only a little trickle came out. He raised the soda to his head and saw that their was nothing left. "Uh, we can just forget it right guys? Wasn't that funny?" He laughed, his face panicking. The mob closed in on him, Ron backed away. "Make it hail!" He yelled, throwing the rest of the Mentos as them as well as the soda bottle, then turned around and bolted off.

"GET HIM!" A student yelled. The mob chased after him through the hallway, they eventually cornered him on the third floor.

"Be gentle." He whimpered as the mob swallowed him up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What did you learn?" Emmet asked, his right eye covered by a patch.

"That people do not liek it when you blind them with exploding soda." Ron said, lying down on the hospital bed.

"Yeah Wesley, wait till I tell my dad!" Malfoy said, lying next to him.

"Why are you even here?" Ron snapped.

"You killed my hair!" Malfoy said, pointing.

"All I did was spray it with soda." Ron said.

"I will never get the soda out though!" Malfoy said.

"Hey Emmet, just checking, remember, one dollar, by Friday." Renesmee walked in.

"Yeah, I know, I wont forget." Emmet waved her away.

* * *

another long chappie, plz commet, no flames again ppl same old same old :D


	18. The Levels of Insanity, and Ice Cream

thanks again ppl for commenting! :D

ppl keep saying to never stop updating. im just scared I'll run out of funny ideas, but that will never happen xD

now here is the new chapter you all have been killing each other for.

* * *

"WAHH!" Edward cried on the couch.

"Edward? Are you upset you got into a fight with Bella? You know she forgave you." Rosalie said.

"Not that! I'm upset because I broke up with myself!" Edward cried.

"Huh?" Rosalie asked.

"I dated myself, then I got into an argument with myself, and now myself is mad at myself and myself is avoiding myself, and then myself caught myself stalking myself!" Edward said.

"Edward, do you know how many levels of insanity that sentence just contained?" Rosalie asked.

"I'm so sad at myself!" Edward cried.

"Just don't kill yourself." Emmet grumbled across the room.

"NUTS! I got nuts!" Jacob burst into the Grrifendor common room they hung out at. Hermione rolled her eyes from were she was sitting at.

"Don't you bring your nuts everyday?" Emmet asked.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"Ewww." Renesmee said.

"Soon when Renesmee is all grown up she'll want Jacob's nuts." Esme said from across Emmet. Renesmee turned to glare at her.

"Ew, Jacob! Why are you eating your nuts, I didn't know you were like that!" Emmet laughed.'

"Shut up, these are some good nuts." Jacob said, cramming nuts into his mouth.

"Hello? Police? My girlfriend is about to kill me!" Edward cried. Everyone turned to Edward who was pointing a gun at himself, while talking on the phone.

"Edward! Don't do this man!" Emmet jumped up and wrestled with him to take the gun. Edward's cell phone fizzled and fried.

"My cell phone! NO!!!" Edward threw the gun and Emmet caught it while Edward dove toward the phone.

"It's OK self, I forgive you, friends because I'm married. Don't look at me like that, I thought you knew. Yes I have a kid. Well I don't see how this is going to work out." He said to himself. Everyone exchanged looks of confusion.

"Did you like your nuts Jacob? I see you liking your fingers." Esme said.

"Shut it." Jacob snapped.

"Emmet, give me the gun." Carlisle stood up slowly.

"Why?" Emmet whipped around, he accidentally pulled the trigger and it shot a student walking by.

"AH! OW!" They screamed.

"Oh, opps." Emmet said and threw the gun at Carlisle. It bounced off of his head and landed on the ground. "Carlisle did it." He pointed. People shuffled and scurried around to help the kid and take him to the nurse.

"Uh, Emmet, just making sure, I need my two dollars by Friday, which is tomorrow, you do have it, right?" Renesmee asked.

"What? Oh yeah, sure." Emmet waved her off.

"OK. Remember, Friday." She said and walked away.

"Let's get himto the hospital wing stat." Carlisle , the window crashed open and Jasper on a dragon raced and crashed in.

"What the hell?!" Edward said.

"Carlisle! I need to know one thing, the fate of the world depends on it." Jasper said, wrestling with the reins on the dragon.

"Uh, what?" Carlisle asked.

Jasper breathed in deeply then asked, "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"

* * *

rofl, cliffie! :D review, as always, to find out what Carlisle would do for a tasty ice cream treat.

NO FLAMES

i get my ideas from the strange coversations I have with my friends just in case you were wondering :D


	19. Renesmee's Money and Jacob's Wii

Now this chapter is crazy, there is a wii involved, and Emmet nearly get's murdered by Renesmee.

* * *

"What would I do? No, the proper question is, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?" Carlisle asked.

"Hm, good question." Jasper said and started to think.

"Jasper, why are you on a Dragon?" Esme asked.

"Oh, you mean Harold? I stole him." Jasper said and pet him. Jasper flew the dragon down to Hagrid's hut, who nearly died at the sight, and agreed to take care of Harold for a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm so bored! Do you guys have any games?" Jacob asked the next day in the afternoon.

"Yeah, Wizard Chess." Ron called from the table, playing Chess with Harry.

"Psh, nerds," Jacob scoffed, "I'm talking about video games! Wait! I packed my Wii! I'll be right back!" Jacob said and ran to his room. He came back a moment later with a TV and a Wii console. He set the TV and console. "Uh, I can't find a socket." He said, looking around.

"Hogwarts doesn't have any electricity." Harry called from the table, urging on his pawn to kill Ron's pawn.

"WHAT?! your freakin' wizards! Why do you have to live like your in the sixteenth century?!" Jacob said, nearly dying.

"Here you go." Renesmee walked in and shocked the cable into the wall, and gasp, like magic, the TV turned on.

"Whoa, that's retarded." Jacob said.

"No it's magic." Renesmee said and made a rainbow and walked away. Jacob ignored it and booted up the Wii. People gathered around to watch him play boxing. "Ha-ha! Take that!" He called as he sucker punched a Mii out.

"Can I try?" Ron asked.

"No, you might throw it in my eye." Jacob said. He spun around,t he Wii mote flung out of his wrist and smacked Neville in the for head.

"Why am I so abused?" He asked as he was helped up.

"Sorry, that happens, I have retard reflexes." Jacob said and picked up the Wii mote. He continued to play, tennis the time. He swung back the Wii mote, hit a kid in the forehead, and the kid got knocked out. "AHH!" He screamed as he hit te virtual ball.

"Jacob, calm down, it's a game." Harry said.

"No! That scarecrow is going DOWN!" Jacob said and nearly ran into the TV trying to race on a cow (it's a game on the wii). Getting bored he started to play the shooting game. At the alien abduction part, he nearly had a heart attack defending his Mii's from the Aliens.

"NO! NO! DON'T TAKE ME AWAY!" He screamed, jumping up and down his face going red.

"Jacob? Why do you have a Wii? Are you gay?" Emmet wandered over.

"No, why?" Jacob handed the Wii mote over to a random student to play.

"Because you should have brought an Xbox 360 so we could play Halo 3." Emmet scoffed.

"I don't like that game, the last time we played it you yelled at a seven year old." Jacob said.

"So? It wasn't my fault he couldn't carry a flag with out getting shot." Emmet said.

"What ever, don't you need to give Renesmee her money?" Jacob asked.

"What?" Emmet blinked.

"Renesmee, you owe her a dollar, remember?" Jacob asked.

"Oh crap, I forgot." Emmet smacked his head.

"Well, she nearly broke my leg when I forgot to get her Oreo's, so you better find a dollar quick." Jacob said.

"No worries, I'll loan some form Carlisle." Emmet walked out and drifted through the hall way, searching for Carlisle. He turned the hall to find Renesmee standing in the middle.

"Hey Emmet, were's my money?" She asked.

"Uh, I was just going to get it, so I'll get it to you later." Emmet said and passed her. He continued to walk, and herd footsteps behind him. He turned around and saw Renesmee following him. When he turned to look she would stop walking, and would continue to walk when he did. This continued for a few minutes until Emmet turned the corner and Renesmee was standing there, her face furious. "Weren't you just over there?!" He jumped.

"I want my money Emmet. Were is my money?!" She asked.

"I don't know what your talking about." Emmet said.

"Don't play dumb bitch, you know what you did." Renesmee said and pulled out a gun.

"What the?" Emmet said. Renesmee shot both his legs. "OH MY GOD!" He shouted and hoped on one foot , then fell to the ground. Renesmee then pulled out a base ball bat and started to wail on him.

"WHERE IS MY MONEY?! I SAID FRIDAY!!!" Renesmee said, beating the tar out of him.

"How do these things fit in your pocket?" Emmet cried as she destroyed him as well as the bat. She tossed it away and pulled out a nife.

"Don't make me stab you Emmet, now, were is my money?!" Renesmee asked.

"I-I-I." Emmet started to babel.

"I-I-I!" Renesmee mimicked in a high pitch voice, then started to stab him uncontrollably.

"OK! OK! I have your money!" Emmet said.

"Really?" Renesmee backed away, disappointed.

"Yeah, here." Emmet pulled out his wallet with the Power Puff Girls decorated on it. He pulled out a dirty one dollar bill and Renesmee took it.

"Thank you." Renesmee said and walked away. She ran back quickly and stabbed him again. "That's for saying and Xbox is better than the Wii!" She said, then stabbed him again. "That's for having a Power Puff Girls Wallet!" She said and stabbed him again. "And that had no meaning to it!" She said and walked away, leaving Emmet.

* * *

wow, Renesmee is violent.

comment plz! xD

Wii- an addictive game council that is really fun to play with friends who have Retarded Reflexes

Xbox 360- a game coucil generaly palyed by guys...even though i have one and I am a girl :D

Halo 3- a game i ahve oober pwnge at xD

Power Puff Girls- coolest cartoon ever! xD


	20. Snape's Date With a Dead Person

ok, sry i have not updated yet in a day or two, my computer crashed and GUESS WHAT!? I fixed it! :D im so smart! xD

here is the chapter I came up with

* * *

Harry rolled over on his stomach and blinked then opened his eyes.

"AH!" He screamed and jumped. A bear sat on his bed, staring at him. Harry nearly fell off of his bed from a heart attack.

"In a minute mother." Emmet_t _said from on the floor.

"Emmett?" What are you doing?" Harry asked.

"Ralph wanted a place to stay." Emmett said and got up.

"Ralph?" Harry asked.

"The Bear!" Emmett stood up.

"Ralph the Bear?" Harry said.

"Hm, Harry, what time is it?" Ron woke up yawning.

"I don't know, Emmett, what time is it?" Harry asked.

"Around ten." Emmett said.

"TEN! We are so late!" Harry jumped up.

"For what?" Emmett yawned.

"Class!" Harry and Ron were getting ready and rushed out the door. Seamus rolled over, magic "sugar" was smeared all over his nose.

"They do know it's Saturday right?" He said. Emmett and Ralph burst out laughing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Harry and Ron were trying to get into Snape's class room for Potions class they supposedly had that day, and they opened it slowly. Snape sat at a table, with a white table cloth with fancy silverware and food on it. There were three big candelas lit, and others around it with rose petals laid every were and some smooth Jazz music was playing. Sitting at the table was Snape, and bent this way and that, was a life sized cut-out of Harry's mother, Lily.

"What is he doing?" Ron hissed.

"Who knows." Jasper appeared behind them, a video camera in hand pointing at Snape.

"So, Lily, I really like your eyes. What's that? You love my hair? Why thank you it takes days going with out a shower to get it this greasy." Snape said. Jasper zoomed in ans Ron struggled not to laugh hard.

"Is he having a pretend date with my mom?!" Harry whispered fiercely.

"Seems so...what a loser." Jasper giggled. Snape cut off a piece of steak and shoved it int he mouth of the cut-out, splattering sauce every were. Jasper was having to hold back Ron from rolling on the floor, then Snape leaned forward and made out with the cut-out.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Ron bellowed. Snape jumped and fell back onto the table, sending food and utensils flying every were and the table crashed against the ground. Lily-Cut-Out fell forward and onto Snape.

"That's what he wishes what happened!" Jasper laughed.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!!!" Snape jumped up and whipped out his wand.

"Oh no, MAN!!!!!" Jasper grabbed Ron and Harry by the collar and ran forward. Snape chased after them, throwing spells at them. Then, out of no were, a bear came charging and knocked over Snape and threw Harry, Ron, and Jasper onto it's back ans whisked them away.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the Cullen's sat in the Griffendor common room. It was quiet while the students read books and studied. Ralph the Bear sat at a chair knitting a coat for Crookshanks.

"Password?" The painting asked faintly.

"MOTHER FUCKING GOOBERHEAD!" Jasper's voice said. The portrait flew open and Man the Bear, Harry, Ron, and Jasper came crashing through. Man ran into the wall, Harry rolled and landed in front of Emmet.

"Lier!It's Saturday!" Harry said. There was a snort and Seamus looked up, Magic Sugar stained his clothes and hair.

"What happened?" Seamus asked.

"Snape, Jasper, roll the tape." Harry said. Jasper pulled out his camera and pressed play and all of the students gathered around him. On the tiny screen played the Snape Episode. The Griffendors were rolling with laughter, then Carlisle hushed them.

"OPEN THE DOOR SO I CAN KILL POTTER!" A voice said.

"Oh shit, it's Snape!" Fred said.

"Password?" The Fat Lady asked.

"I am a Hogwarts teacher, let me in!" Snape yelled.

"I'm sorry sir, you need a password." The Fa t Lady said.

"YOU STUPID PICTURE! GO ON JENNY CRAIG!" Snape yelled.

"And while we are at our intervention, you can go and take shower, make sure there is soap." The Fat Lady said. Snape huffed and walked away while the laughter of the Griffendor's penetrated the walls of the castle and echoing into the halls.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

That night at dinner, it seemed that the whole castle turned up, rumored of a prank that was going to be played and wanted to see what was happening. In the bulk of the food consumption, the walls were covered with the image of Snape on his fake date with Cut-Out-Lily. The plates, floors, seats, cups, forks, knifes, spoons, everything was covered. The laughter was so loud there was a buzzing in everyone ears. Snape got up to leave, but then, Cut-Out-Lily poofted out of then air in front of Snape. The students, even the teachers were laughing hard and holding their sides. Even the Slytherins were laughing.

"Kiss me Snape, even though I'm just a Cardboard cut out and your a loser." It said. The students laughter harder now, if that was possible, and the Griffendor table started making kissing noises and reenactments. Snape just stood there, staring at the Cardboard cut out, his face red. He stormed out and everyone made "Awwww" noises at once.

"Yeah that's right loser, walk away." Cut-Out-Lily said.

* * *

at one point this could have been a serious story :D


	21. Apple Sauce! :D

OK i was at a family reunion all weekend and came up with a bunch of ideas why away from the internet, so enjoy

* * *

BZZZZZZ!

"Did you hear that?" Harry asked Ron as they were in Charms class.

"No." Ron said. Harry shrugged and continued to work.

BZZZZZZZ!

"I'm serous, I hear a buzzing noise." Harry said. Ron shrugged. BZZZZZ!

"I hear it too!" Ron said.

"Ron and Harry, what is it?" Professor Flitwik came over.

"Why did you say Ron before my name? My name is better." Harry said.

"Is not Ron is cooler." Ron said.

"It's just three words." Harry shot back.

"short for Rona-" BAM! The door flew open and Emmet came raising in on a motor scooter.

"What the!" Professor Flitwik dove out of the way as Emmet crashed into his desk and his mountain of books came crashing down.

"Sorry midget, I had a few drinks befor I rode this bad boy." Emmet said.

"What? How am I supposed to teach?" Professor Flitwik asked.

"Here." Emmet ripped two pieces of long wood off of the seats and attached them to Professor Flitwik. "There, use these as silts." Emmet said.

"Whoa. I feel, tall. I feel so powerful!" Professor Flitwik walkedaroyund, strutting his stuff.

"I WIN!" Jasper came roaring by on a pink scooter.

"No fair!" Emmet jumped on the scooter and raced forward, knocking over Professor Flitwik and out the door.

"Uh, a little help please?" He asked, flat on his back, rolling around trying to get up.

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Here you go Mr. Bananna Man eat up." Carlisle spooned fed the Little bear apple sauce. "Yeah, yummy yummy." Carlisle said, tyring some his self, only to spit it out.

"Why are you feeding the bear Applesauce?" Hermione asked.

"Would you like me to feed the bear you instead?" Carlisle asked, sticking the Applesauce into the Bear's mouth.

"No." Hermione grumbled. The portrait door opened and Jacob came in wearing big puffy pants.

"Do these make me look fat?" He asked and turend around.

"JACOB! This is a school! Cover up your butt!" Carlisle said.

"What?" Jacob turned around to see the back side was ripped clean off.

"Why are you free balling it?" Emmet asked as he buzzed by on a scooter.

"Damn it! That stupid bear!" Jacob cursed.

"Don't talk about like that!" Carlisle gasped.

"Not him, the other one." Jacob said.

"AHHHH!!!!" A high pitched wail erupted from a girl.

"Oh dear god, not the fan girls!" Carlisle jumped up. "What's that boy? Jasper's trapped in the well? Let's go!" Carlisle said and bounded off with .

"GET HIM!" A hoard of girls appeared and chased after Jacob who ran out of the room, puffy pants trailing after him.

* * *

so plz comment and you know the deal, no flames


	22. Twitter Mania

Sorry I have not updated in along time. my computer broke...again. and none of my friends wanted me to use their computer because they were using it. i bet to look up porn. any way, i was gone only for three days and when my computer came back from getting fixed, i had over 200 emails from fanfiction!!!! :O! allot of them were pm's, anyway, thank you for not giving up on me ppl, here is the chapter you have all been waiting so long for.

* * *

BAM! Jacob lurched back as a giant ship ripped through the wall.

"What the?" he asked, getting up.

"Did some one need help?!" A voice asked. Jacob's jaw dropped as he saw who it was.

"Crunch-a-tise me captain!" He said.

"Can do!" Captain Crunch said and Jacob turned into a cartoon version of himself and sailed away.

"Did Jacob just get kidnapped by a cereal cartoon?" Renesmee asked Jasper.

"I think so." Jasper said.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now class turn your books to page 10,000." Snape said in potions class.

"Why are the books so big?" Renesmee asked, turning through the pages.

"Because us wizards are smart and we need allot of reading to do." Hermione snapped.

"What ever, I'm going on Twitter." Renesmee pulled out a laptop and opened it to twitter. "I'm at school." She said and typed it.

**SexyDumbRetard89: **AW SHIT!!!

**xxxStErEoXTyPiCaLXeMoxxx **school is so depressing

**CHECK OUT MY PECS! **how old are you?

**Nessie95 **none of ur business

**SexyDumbRetard89 **I'M EATING A SAND WHICH

**xxxStErEoXTyPiCaLXeMoxxx **I'm cutting myself

**CHECK OUT MY PECS!** are you hot?

**Nessie95 has logged off**

**CHECK OUT MY PECS! **WHY!!!!!?

"What is Twitter?" Hermione asked.

"A website were you microblog." Renesmee said.

"It sounds stupid." Hermione said.

"It does to everyone who do not have lives." Renesmee shot back.

"Ooohhh." Ron said in the back round.

"Let me see this." Snape said and took the laptop.

"Just click on register and follow the easy steps, anyone can do it." Renesmee said and pointed.

"What should my screen name be?" He asked. Renesmee shrugged.

"The greatest teacher ever." Malfoy said.

"Shut up teachers pet." Ron snapped.

"Hm, how about...." Snape typed in the words. Renesmee peaked over his shoulder.

"**SmexiePotion**?" Renesmee said. Half of the class started to laugh.

"What's wrong with that?" Snape snapped.

"It's not really truthful." Renesmee soughed.

"Does it have to be?" Snape asked.

"Not really, everyone lies on these things." Renesmee shrugged.

"Goos so that's my name." Snape said and started to Twitter.

**SmexiePotion **I'm new

**BumbleBee **Me too!

**SmexiePotion **Dumbledore is that you?

**BumbleBee **yes, Edward helped me join

**TabbyCat **Hi

**SmexiePotion **McGonagall?!

**TabbyCat **I'm drinking milk

**OH Shizzle*** GIANT MASTER **hey evry1

**BumbleBee **Hey Hagrid

**BEAST **I'm teaching charms!

**TabbyCat **Professor Flitwik, your not a beast

**BEAST **I'm using Emmet's profile

**SmexiePotion **That explains so much

**I CAN SPARKLE **hi

**BEAST **EDWARD! xD

**VAMPIREDOCTOR **hi

**OH Shizzle***GIANT MASTER **everyone is twittering! :D

**UWISHUWEREASBEAUTIFULASMEH **hey uglies

**BEAST **:(

**UWISHUWEREASBEASUTIFULASMEH **not u emmet, ur my little jar of jelly jam

**BEAST **:D

**SmexiePotion has logged out**

**Bumblebee has logged out**

**TabbyCat has logged out**

**VAMPIREDOCTOR has logged out**

**OH Shizzle***GIANT MASTER has logged out**

**BEAST has logged out**

**UWISHUWEREASBEAUTIFULASMEH has logged out**

**I CAN SPARKLE **I'm all alone....well now i can say this one thing I'M GAY!!!!!!!!!!

**I CAN SPARKLE has logged out**

* * *

yay! make sure to review! :D idk if that is how twitter goes, i dont have an account on it so i guessed.


	23. OH YEAH!

some one said this story was dumb, i hope they realize this is a crack fanfic! xD my brother is giving me a hard time because i write fanfics, he just needs to shove his Xbox 360 controller up his ass and get some friends! xD

anyway....some of you OCD freaks have been PMing me about how i dont spell emmet right, well, what kind of name has two m's and t's?! so...i wont, ha take that.

story story story story YAY

* * *

"RALPH! GET BACK HERE!" Emmet chased after Ralph who had a foot ball in his mouth.

"What's up with him?" Renesmee asked.

"Ralph stole his American football." Harry said.

"What's that?" Ron chirped.

"Why do you say American football?" Renesmee said and placed her hands on her hips.

"Because we call what you call soccer football." Harry said.

"That's gay." Renesmee said.

"What's football?!" Ron asked.

"How is that gay?" Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Football was created wayyyy before pussy soccer." Renesmee said.

"how do you know?" Harry said.

"Because.....I'm American." Renesmee said and ran away.

"WHAT IS FOOTBALL?!" Ron asked.

"NOTHINNNNNN!" Harry yelled.

"OK! gosh." Ron said, throwing his hands in the air.

-------------------------------------------

"Everyone! We have a major test in potions this Friday!" Hermione announced.

"We always have a test." Harry grumbled.

"How? We don't learn anything, Snape is always Twittering in class." Ron said.

"Exactly, so, we need to read up." Hermione said.

"SHUT UP HERMIONE! Your accent is so annoying." Alice said.

"Whoa! When did you get here?" Ron jumped.

"A few hours ago." Alice said.

"CAPTAIN CRUNCH!" A voice shouted. Somewhere in the castle, a wall crashed down and there were screams of chaos.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"Captain Crunch knock off store brand, Crackles the Squirrel." Renesmee said, carrying a cross bow.

"What's that for?" Alice asked.

"Nothing." Renesmee said. The gang ran out and found the commotion. A giant cracked up squirrel stood around a bunch of students throwing coffee at students.

"TAKE THAT MOTHER FUCKER!" He cackled in a high pitched voice.

"What are you doing?" Alice grabbed the cup and jerked it away.

"I'm Crackles the mother fucking squirrel, who the hell are you?" He twitched.

"Alice Cullen." She glared.

"Well, GIVE ME MY NUTS!" He chirped and attacked her.

"Rabid Squirrl!" Alice ran around, trying to rip him off. Ron and Harry were laughing while Hermione was rolling her eyes.

"Great stuff." Emmet slid out of a corner, a camera in his hand.

"What happened to your ball?" Hermione asked.

"I placed it in Rosalie's mouth." He said.

"Not that, your football." Hermione huffed.

"Oh, Ralph ate it, I'll wait a few days." He zoomed in.

"Is anyone going to help me?" Alice asked as Crackles the Squirrel attacked her.

"CRACKLES!" A voice shouted. A ship busted through the wall.

"WTF! We have a door!" Filch said.

"How dare you try to sell cheap knock offs of my cereal." Captain Crunch jumped down.

"Bring it old man!" Crackles said, his eyes dilating, his giant buck teeth chattering.

"Jacob?" Alice helped Jacob down who was normal.

"Man, what a weak." Jacob said.

"What weak? You were gone for only two days." Alice said.

"Whoa man, I got to sit-" Jacob fell down, snoring.

"Kick his ass Captain Crunch!" Emmet cheered.

**SmexiePotion **I'm watching a fight

**TabbyCat **Me too! xD

**BumbleBee **I wonder who's going to fix the wall _

**I Luv Mrs. Noris** Not me! :-(

** TabbyCat **Do your freaking job Filch other than whistling at the ugly girls

**I Luv Mrs. Noris **fine.... :(

Captain Crunch threw Crackles the Squirrel, pulled out a gun and blasted his brains out.

"I'm baddd to the bone." He said walked back to his ship. "Remember kids! Say no to drugs!" He waved farewell and his ship magically floated away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bella and Jacob were at the sight from the earlier events, Filch was examining his work of the wall.

"I'm thirsty." Bella said. Jacob jumped back and tried to cover his neck. "Not you, I want something sweet." Bella said.

"KOOL AID!" Jacob pulled out a Kool Aid packet and a glass of water and poured it into the water, stirred and gave it to Bella.

"What are you two?" Bella asked, taking it.

"No, psh." Jacob shrugged. Bella guzzled down the kool aid.

"Oh yeah." She said.

BAM!The wall crashed down and a giant red jug stood in front of them.

"OH YEAHHH!!!!!!!" It shrieked.

"I JUST FIXED THE WALL!" Filch screamed.

* * *

lol, plz comment :D

NO FLAMES

Thank You


	24. Attack of the Poo Monster Literally

some one said this should be the next epic movie, i totally agree with them! :D

* * *

"Hey Snape." Rosalie appeared behind Snape who was busy Twittering. Cans of Monster's littered the ground and his desk, his hair was crumpled and stuck out in different ways. His nose was touching the screen as he typed away.

"Huh." He said, still typing.

"What 'cha doin'?" She sat down next to him.

"Twittering." He twitched.

"Um, can I see your wand?" Rosalie asked. Snape looked at her.

"Well, OK but-" Snape stood up and unzipped his pants.

"WTF! HELL NO! I MEANT YOUR MAGIC WAND!" She fell off the desk.

"It is magic. Hold on, I have to twitter what just happened." He sat down and furiously typed away on the laptop.

"Uh, Professor, are you going to teach us?" A voice asked. Rosalie turned to see a whole class of students watching and waiting.

"Yeah hold on." Snape said, taking a sip from a Monster can. "Crap it's empty!" He cursed and threw it. The can flew out the door and hit a passing Neville.

"OW! why does everyone always hit me?" He said and walked away. Snape threw all the Monster Cans that were empty. "No! No! NO! I'M OUT OF MONSTER!" He screamed, tearing apart his desk.

"Calm down Snape, it's just an energy drink, why don't you drink Gatorade? It's got electrolytes." Rosalie said.

"You don't under stand, man, I NEED MONSTER! I'M ADDICTED TO IT!!!" He said. He ripped out some of his hair, then turned to a quivering student. "You! I saw you! Eying my monsters! Give them back you thief!" He said jabbing his finger at him.

"I d-d-didn't take any-y-ything." The student stammered.

"YES YOU DIDDDDDDDDDD!" Snape lunged at the student.

"Fight!" One student yelled. Rosalie backed away from the crowd and pulled out Snape's wand then dashed away before Twittering this:

**SmexiePotion **I'm a child Molester and Convicted Rapist

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Emmet! Emmet! I got the wand!" Rosalie ran up to Emmet and Jasper who were crouched near Ralph the bear who sat in a pooping position outside. "Uh, what are you doing?" Rosalie asked.

"Waiting for Ralph to poop so I can get my football back." Emmet said.

"He's starting to poop!" Jasper said.

"Good, take this umbrella and shift through the crap until you find it." Emmet handed him a pink umbrella.

"Isn't that Hagrid's?" Rosalie asked.

"He wont mind, anyway, what were you saying?" Emmet asked.

"I got Snape's wand!" Rosalie beamed and held up Snape's wand.

"Awesome! Think of what we can do with this!" Emmet took it and held it up to the sun.

"Ew! It's all soft and warm!" Jasper said in the back round, Ralph the bear yawned.

"How did you get it?" Emmet asked.

"Snape started a fight with a kid because he thought they stole his Monster drink." Rosalie explained.

"Oops." Emmet said.

"This is not pleasant! Did he eat peanuts?!" Jasper called in the back round.

"You took his last Monster?" Rosalie asked.

"Yeah, I gave it Renesmee though and set her loose on the school, toddlers plus sugar equals fun." Emmet laughed.

"Snape is going to be mad." Rosalie said.

"He wont mind, not when we have his wand." Emmet said.

"Emmet, I don't think your ball is in here! Is, is that a clock?" Jasper called.

"Your so smexy when your smartical!" Rosalie said.

"And your so smexy when your...smexy!" Emmet said. There was a whoosh noise as Hagrid's umbrella accidentally shot a magical blast at the poo and the umbrella opened up, sending poo all over Jasper.

"OH MY GAWD! IT'S EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!" Jasper screamed and ran off, covered in poo. Ralph the bear was laughing hysterically and Rosalie backed away while Emmet laughed as well. Jasper ran up to the castle and ran inside, students ducked away from him, But Neville did not bode lucky as Jasper's poo covered fist hit his face and smeared it with poo.

"EW! EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME!" He cried, running around.

"Rofl." Professor McGonagall said, watching,

"lollamoroflcoppter." Professor Flitwik said, also watching.

"I FOUND MY MONSTER!" Snape yelled, far off.

* * *

Snape's reaction to having his Monster stolen was based on what my friend who wished to go unnamed did. it was funny.

this is what professor flitwik said: LOL- LMAO- ROFL- COPPTER

and yes, it is a word (not really)

this chappie was a bit disgusting, but I couldn't help but laughing while typing it.

review pl, no flames, u know the drill


	25. Tonks and Alice

i am re-reading Half Blood prince for the movie and came up with a spoof while reading, enjoy it:

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking down the hallway to magic class (well duh).

"I wonder what we'll learn to day!" Hermione chirped.

"Did you here Snape lost his wand?" Ron asked.

"No, I herd Rosalie stole it." Harry said.

"Probably showed him her ta-ta's." Ron muttered.

"WON-WON!" A vocie shouted.

"Oh hell no." Ron stopped dead and turned around. Lavender Brown raced towered him.

"Run Ron!" Hermione said. Ron bolted as Lavender chased after him.

"Wow that sounded like a tongue twister." Harry turned to her.

"SHE'S GOING TO RIP MY LIPS OFF!" Ron shouted, pushing pasta group of first years.

Suddenly Ron froze in running position and was lifted off the air. Lavender was frozen in a running position with her arms out after Ron and her lips puckered up to kiss him.

"What the?" Harry and Hermione caught up with the two.

"Now now, make up you two love birds." A voice said. Emmet_t _said, waving the two around.

"Please don't make me Emmett, she's a psychopath!" Ron said, eying her.

"I LUV YOU WON!" Lavender yelled. Emmett smashed the two together, still frozen and made kissing noises.

"Now, young lady, what is your name?" Emmett asked Lavender.

"Lavender Brown." She said.

"What a strange and ironic name, Lavender Brown. Lavender is a shade of purple, and Brown is just brown." Emmett said.

"Is your poo purple?" Renesmee appeared out of no were, hanging upside down.

"Uh, not that I've checked." Lavender said. Hermione shot some magic do-hickey at Emmet and Ron and Lavender were released.

"Renesmee, why are you hanging upside down from the ceiling?" Harry asked.

"I'm half vampire, der." Renesmee said and jumped down. Hermione then shot another magic thing-a-ma-bob at Emmet and it wrenched the wand out of his hand.

"OW! Hey, that wasn't nice." Emmett wagged a finger at her.

"Hello!" Alice came bounding in with Tonks.

"Ello, what's dis?" Emmett jumped down using his English accent.

"Tonks and I are so much alike aren't we?" Alice asked.

"Um....minus the pink hair." Emmett said.

"Not more Harry Potter-Twilight character similarities!" Renesmee groaned.

"Yes!" Tonks said.

"We are going to go stab people with rusty scissors, tootle-loo!" Tonks an Alice said and skipped skipped off.

* * *

yes I know, not my funniest parody but still....it was awesome.

Tonks does remind me of Alice and vise versa a little bit, does any one else think so or is it just me?

comment ppl NOW!


	26. Shanked

thanks everyone for reading still! :D im amazed it's going still, this story seems like it will never end

* * *

Harry was asleep in his dormitory.

"Harry Potter!" A voice said. Harry rolled over in his sleep, snored and went back to sleep. "Harry Potter!" The voice repeated. Harry opened his eyes then closed them.

"HARRY POTTER!" The voice yelled.

"AH!" Harry fell off the bed an turned on a light. Emmett, Rolph the Bear, and Dobby sat right next to his bed.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Look at this cut little fellah, I found him in the kitchen." Emmett said.

"Why were you in the kitchen Emmett, your a vampire, and how do you keep on getting into our dormitories at night?!" Harry snapped.

"Well for the last question I chatted up the fat lady and she let me in." Emmett said.

"How about the first question, Rolph stop eating Ron's bed!" Harry said. Rolph dropped a large wooden chunk from the bed and slunk back over to the group.

"Well, Alice and Tonks were looking for rusty scissors. We couldn't find any so we had to rusty up a pair ourselves then tested them out on one of the elves." Emmett said.

"Emmett taught Dobby how to shank a person!" Dobby said gleefully.

"Huh?" Harry asked.

"I taught him how to stab some one, you know in prisons, shank?" Emmett asked.

"Who did he stab?" Harry asked.

"This mutated messed up elf, Kreacher." Emmett said.

"You stabbed-"

"Shanked." Dobby corrected.

"You shanked my house elf Kreacher?" Harry asked.

"That was your house elf? Dobby freaking attacked him, we left when all the other elves started attacking us. It was so funny, see?" Emmett pulled off his shirt (insert fangirl scream here) and pointed to countless little bite marks. "Look at all the miniature bite marks, so cute!" Emmett said and pulled his shirt back on.

"What a day!" Dobby said.

"Were is Alice and Tonks?" Harry asked.

"Girl's dormitory." Emmett said.

_Meanwhile_

Hermione snoozed soundly and two pairs of head slowly emerged on the side of her bed. Alice and Tonks exchanged glances and pulled out two rusty scissors.

"On three..." Alice whispered. "One-"

"THREE!" Tonks stabbed the bed. Hermione jolted awake and started rolling around ans Tonks tried to stab her. "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" She cackled.

"Tonks?! What the hell!" Hermione screamed.

"Stay still dammit so I can shank you!" Tonks said.

"So you can what?" Hermione said, dodging Tonks attacks.

"Stab." Alice said, pulling out a video camera and drinking soda.

"WHY DO YOU WANT TO STAB ME?!" Hermione said and fell off the bed on the other side. Tonks threw the Rusty scissors and they missed Hermione's head by a couple of inches. Everyone in the girls dormitory was up now and were watching everything.

"Because we do." Tonks said and grabbed Alice's rusty scissors. "C'mon Hermione, it wont hurt, your a wizard, you'll be able to heal it." Tonks said.

"Those might have AIDS on them!" Hermione said.

"Crap, we were discovered, make a break for it!" Alice and Tonks ran out of them room.

_The Next Day_

Everyone was outside enjoying a nice day by the lake. ron came lumbering down, pale and his nose was red.

"Hey, ACHOO!" He sneezed.

"Ron are you sick?" Hermione asked.

"No I'm just, ACHOO!" He sneezed again.

"You should go to the nurse." Hermione said.

"I'm fine just, good night." Ron fell down asleep. Harry and Hermione carried him up to the Griffednor common room were Jacob was yelling at the fat lady.

"Password?" She asked, irritated.

"Jenny Craig?" Jacob asked, waving his arms. The fat lady nodded no. "Nutrisystem?" He asked, still no. "Fine, exorcise, diet, anorexia, bulimia, EXTENSE!" Jacob said.

"What is Extense?" Hermione asked.

"Natural Male enhancement!" Carlisle said, zooming by on his scooter.

"I'll get you some for your birth day Harry." Jacob said.

"What ab out you?" Harry snapped.

"what about me? I'm native American and hot, you know I'm packing." Jacob said and walked away.

"Let's get Ron to the nurse." Hermione said. They arrived a few moments later and placed him down on one of the bed's. Madame Pomfery examined Ron, then turned to them.

"Just as I expected." She said.

"What?" Harry and Hermione asked at the same time.

"Swine Flu." Madame Pomfery said.

* * *

GASP!!!!!

review plz, no flames, same as always


	27. Umbrellaellaella WTF was that?

thanks for the comments ppl, not as much as i expected but thanks any way.

* * *

"What is that smell?" Jasper asked, sniffing the air.  
"What?" Emmett asked, riding on Ralph like Ralph the Bear was a horse.

"I smell.....pig." Jasper got up.

"Really?" Emmett whipped out a skillet and some butter.

"What's that for?" Jasper asked.

"Bacon." Emmett said. The two set off toward the source and arrived at the nurse's office.

Ron sat on a bed, moaning to himself.

"Is he alright?" Jasper asked Hermione.

"He has swine flu." Hermione said. Emmett sniffed Ron and licked his cheek (ewww).

"He taste's like pig!" Emmett said.

"Must be the flu." Harry said.

"Ah-ah-ah-OINK!" Ron said.

"Did you just oink?" Jasper asked while Emmett was on the floor laughing.

"Maybe he's turning into a pig." Harry said.

"Well we must harvest the meat!" Emmett appeared near Ron, sharpening a butcher's knife.

"Emmett! He's just a person!" Hermione said.

"Awwww." Emmett said and put it back and slouched off.

"Like he even cooks the meat." Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Is it normal to have a tail?" Ron rolled over and pointed to a coiled tail, he rolled back over and his normal nose was replaced with a pig's snout.

"You are turning into a pig!" Harry said.

"Huh?" Emmett's head popped in the door frame.

"Go away Emmett, you can't cook him!" Hermione said.

"Awwww." Emmett said and walked away.

"Well, I'm bored." Jasper walked away as Ron squealed like a pig as Harry tickled him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"GIVE ME BACK ME UMBRELLA!" Hagrid roared and was chasing after Carlisle. Carlisle was on his scooter, Hagrid's umbrella open after him. A group of students watched as the two chased after each other.

"Fly dammit! FLY!" Carlisle jumped off the scooter and he started to fly like Mary Poppins with Hagrid's umbrella. "Bippity-Boppity-boo!" Carlisle chanted.

"Wrong movie!" Rosalie shouted up to him.

"Like it matters!" Carlisle shouted after him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Slughorn (were did he come from?) sat at his desk and looked around.

"Now, is anyone in here famous?" He asked.

"I can touch my tongue to my nose!" A student said.

"Are you famous for that?" Slughorn asked.

"Maybe." The student said.

"Any one else?" Slughorn asked. CRASH! Carlisle fell through a window and rolled to his feet, Hagrid's umbrella snapped closed and he swung it around his wrist, then held it in front of him like a cane.

"I am!" He said.

"What for?" Slughorn asked.

"For-"

"GIVE ME ME UMBRELLA!" Hagrid's distant voice thundered (and no that is not a spelling error).

"He did it!" Carlisle threw the umbrella at the student who could touch his tongue to his nose and ran out of the room. Hagrid crashed through another window and tackled the kid. Emmett appeared next to Slughorn with his video camera.

"Priceless, I'm putting this on You Tube." He said.

* * *

comment plz, no flames,

big surprise?


	28. Ow my ass!

i keep repeating myself, but really everyone, thanks for the comments! :D

* * *

"GET BACK HERE!" Madame Pomfery chased Ron, well a pig with red hair.

"Oink! Oink!" It snorted and ran. Students ducked out of the way,t hen suddenly, Ron Pig sprouted wings and flew over the castle.

"Is that a pig?" Malfoy pointed, his group of buddies around him.

"Oink!" Ron Pig said and poop fell down and hit Malfoy right in the face, his mouth was open.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Harry, did you hear that Ron escaped?" Hermione ran up to Harry int he common room as he searched for his broom.

"Yeah, I was going to fly out and get him but I can't find my broom." He said, searching for it. The door flew open and Renesmee strutted in with the broom, it was dripping wet.

"Here you go, I hope you don't mind I needed it." She said and tossed it to him.

"For what?" Harry asked.

"Emmett wanted a back scratchier then he dropped it in the toilet and we got it back then had to beat up prefect who was going to tell on us and Jasper used it to sweep his room." Renesmee explained.

"This is a flying broom! Not a regular one!" Harry said.

"Same thing really." Renesmee said and walked away.

"C'mon, we have to get Ron." Hermione said. The two got on the broom and zoomed around the castle grounds, looking for a flying pig with red hair.

"HELLO!" Emmett came flying next to them on a regular plastic broom.

"Emmett?! What are you doing?" Harry yelled.

"Looking for Ring." Emmett said.

"Who?" Hermione asked.

"RING! RON PIG!" Emmett bellowed, waving his video camera at them. "I'm going to put it on you tube!" He said. They flew around for a while, then...

"OINK! OINK!!!!!!" Ring came flying out of no were.

"Ah! Beware the swine flu!" Emmett freaked out and charged into Harry and Hermione. They flew off the broom.

"AHHH!" They screamed.

"Now class, place your magical beans to grow a bean stalk, does everyone have a giant?" Professor Sprout asked. BAM! Hermione and Harry smashed through the roof and landed on the plants. "Oh, Harry, Hermione, nice to join us for class." Professor Sprout said. Harry's broom came down with a clatter and bashed Neville.

"OW! I'm always abused!" he cried.

Meanwhile...

Emmett swerved out of control as Ring clawed at him.

"You stupid pig!" Emmett said and tried to shake him off. "Wait a minute, didn't we already do this?" Emmett asked Ring.

"Oink?" Ring asked.

"The animal/human cross over." Emmett said. Ring shrugged. "We did! chapters 13-16!" Emmett said.

"Oink?" Ring asked.

"FLASH BACK!" Emmett screamed.

-----------------------------------

_"Hey! That Snape guy gave me a drink!" Rosalie said walking over._

_"Drink it!" Renesmee said._

_"Uh, I wouldn't." Harry said, jumping up. Rosalie gulped it down and slammed the cup on the table._

_"Hm, taste's funny." She said. Renesmee gasped and Esme started laughing. "What?" Rosalie asked. Emmet held up a mirror. She had the head of a giant duck, and the body of a moose. "WHAT THE HELL!" She screamed/quaked._

_"Your a Doose, or a Muck." Esme said between fits of laughter._

_"Your beautiful!" Emmet laughed. Everyone turned to look at her. Rosalie slowly turned around and glared at Snape._

_"Come here Greece Monkey!" She roared ans charged after her._

_"Runaway Doose!" Emmet shouted. Rosalie charged past the students, flung the table over and flattened Snape._

_"CATCH THAT DOOSE!" Dumbledore shouted._

_-----_

_"HE-HAW!" Rosalie said and pranced around the room. The students and teachers ran around trying to capture her, but she would either bite them, or hind leg them._

_"I got her!" Snape said and held up his wand. Rosalie turned around and hit him below the waist._

_"Whoa! You got his batteries!" Emmet said and started to laugh. Snape fell to the ground._

_-----_

_"Anyway Emmet, have you caught Doose-Rosalie yet?" Carlisle asked._

_"Oh crap! I forgot!" Emmet jumped up and threw off his reading glasses._

_------_

_"HELP! I'M GOING TO GET COOKIE RAPPED BY ELVES!" Emmet yelled. Edward caught up._

_"Oh my god!" He said._

_"Hagrid is here!" Hagrid came lumbering over and shot one of the elves with his crossbow. The others all screamed and disbanded, carrying Emmet. "Get back here ye short little bastards!" Hagrid roared and shot after them along with Edward._

_------_

_"I've never meet a cross bread Centaur so beautiful like you..." Firenze said, leaning toward her._

_"Oh it's getting hot and heavy!" Crabble said._

_"He-Haw!" Doose-Rosalie said._

_------_

_"Maybe it's duck for rape." Carlisle said, zooming in with his camera._

_--------------------------------------_

"See?" Emmett said.

"Oink, Oink." Ring nodded in agreement.

"Ha ha!" Tonks came flying by on a broom and shanked Ring in his ass Ring squealed and fell to the ground. POOF! He turned back to normal Ron.

"Ha ha!" Alice flew by then and stabbed Emmet in his ass.

"Ow I need that!" Emmett said and fell off.

Meanwhile.....

"My beanstalk!" Neville said and his giant beanstalk grew to the sky.

"Congratulations Neville!" Professor Sprout said. Ron fell down then on the table.

"Jack?" Neville asked, amazed. BAM! Emmett fell down on top of Ron in aloud crash then the plastic broom smacked him on the head. "Giant!" Neville said.

"You did it Neville! You found Jack and the Giant!" Professor Sprout said. Neville poked Emmet.

* * *

plz plz comment! :D


	29. Magic Sasuage

now no one has been coming to the story, u better or ill shut down the story! :D

* * *

Harry, Ron, Hermione were in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Slughorn came in then in a pink ballerina outfit.

"Sorry I'm late, now, who in here is famous now?" He asked.

"Oh great." Harry sighed. They started their lesson.

"Now if you take a weasel and grab it by the stomach and insert a cookie-"

"OMG!" Renesmee ran in.

"What?" Slughorn dropper the weasel and cookie, then ate the cookie.

"I just saved a bundle by switching my car insurance to Gieco!" She said and ran out.

"Me too!" Carlise zoomed by on his scooter.

"What is chewing on my shoe?" Ron asked looking down. Jacob smiled at him in wolf form,t hen bust out of the desk.

"What the?" Slughorn coughed up a bag of cookies. Jacob turned to normal.

"Loyal Thème de Bologna! J'ai voici les magique saucisse!" He said.

"What did he say?" Harry asked.

"He's speaking French." Hermione said.

"Wow Jacob I didn't know you were a wimp." Harry said.

"Why?" Ron asked.

"He said: Loyal Subjects of Bologna! I have here the magic sausage!" Renesmee said.

"What's that mean?" Ron asked.

"Idiote âne lécher." Jacob jumped down and slapped Ron with a sausage.

"He just called you an idiot a*hole licker." Renesmee said.

"Ow. Violent." Ron said.

"Grange!" Jacob said.

"He just said Barney." Renesmee said.

"Oh crap, run!" Hermione said. Jacob turned into Barney.

"I love you, you love me!" He started chanting.

"OH DEAR GOD!" Slughron ran out, prancing in his ballerina costume.

* * *

random


	30. The Big Reveal

i have a poll on my profile, plz check it out! :)

* * *

"I love you, you love me!" Barney stalked after the students as they ran screaming in horror.

"Some one kill Barney." Renesmee said.

"Isn't he really Jacob?" Carlisle asked, stopping on his scooter.

"Huh?" Jacob walked over, nibbling on bacon.

"I thought you turned into Barney!" Renesmee said.

"Oh. I did?" Jacob asked. Barney stopped and turned on them.

"Ah!" Carlisle zoomed away. Renesmee pulled out a baseball bat.

"Bring it Dino!" Renesmee said and started wailing on Barney.

"Ow! I love-ow! You-ow!" Barney said and ran off, Renesmee chasing him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm bored." Ron said, bored.

"Oh well, go masturbate." Harry said.

"I can't, I'm gay." Ron said.

"Really?" Harry scooted closer to him.

"Yeah, I found out last week." Ron said.

"finally..." Harry reached around him.

"Ah!" Ron turned into Tonks and she jumped up. "Your gay! Ha! I have it on video!" Tonks pulled out a tiny video camera and pressed play. A picture of Lupin came across.

_"Is? Is it on?" He asked._

_"Yeah, see?" Tonks' voice asked, the camera shook._

_"OK. Um...what am I supposed to do?" He asked._

_"Bark bitch." Tonks said._

_"Technically I'm a boy wolf not a girl." Lupin said._

_"I said bark or I'll stab you with rusty scissors!" Tonks said._

_"OK, wolf." He said._

_"What was that? I want a real bark." Tonks growled._

_"OK, ARF!" Lupin barked. He continued to bark. "Tonks, what day is it?" Lupin asked between barks._

_"Wednesday." She said._

_"Oh shit! It's a full moon!" Lupin said and started to grow hair._

_"Oh shit!" Tonks said and the camera flew all over to place. _

"Um, sorry, ahem." Tonks speed up to video. A picture of a wear wolf bounded across the screen, chasing Tonks, still holding the camera, looking back. Wear wolf Lupin jumped on top of Tonks and made her eat cough drops. then it cut to a picture of Tonks and Alice rusting scissors. finally it cut to Harry and Ron, Ron had a streak of pink hair.

_"I'm bored." Ron said, bored._

_"Oh well, go masturbate." Harry said._

_"I can't, I'm gay." Ron said._

_"Really?" Harry scooted closer to him._

_"Yeah, I found out last week." Ron said._

_"finally..." Harry reached around him._

"Ha! See!" Tonks said.

"now now Tonks you don't have to give that to anyone..." Harry grabbed at it.

"So that's why you like Ginny, she's secretly a man!" Tonks said.

"Really? That was just a cover so no one would get suspicious." Harry said.

"Yep, totally. Her mom enchanted her to look like a girl because she wanted one daughter in the family, her real name is Gilbert." Tonks said.

"I LOVE YOU!" Barney snatched the video camera, evading Renesmee.

"Get back here!" Renesmee said. Tonks grabbed Renesmee and held her back. POOF! Barney turned into.........RONALD MCDONALD!

"Put a smile on kids cause I'm lovin it!" He said. Renesmee shuddered.

"OK Ronald McDonald, no need to do anything drastic." Harry stepped forward.

"What a weird video, play!" He laughed, his eyes going cross eyed. The video of Harry being gay played over.

"YOUR GAY?!!!!!" Renesmee yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Potter's gay?" Malfoy came storming out.

"I always knew you were an ass pirate!" Crabbe laughed.

"Shut up." Malfoy snapped.

"Yes master." Crabbe frowned. Everyone started to taunt Harry. Ginny walked up.

"It's OK Harry, we can still be together." She said.

"Really?" Everyone asked (at the same time).

"Yes, Everyone, I'm a man." she said. Everyone gaped at her. "My real name is Gilbert. My mom enchanted me to look like a girl because she wanted at least one daughter." Ginny/Gilbert said.

"But, I found used Pads in the bathroom!" Ron yelled.

"Yes, I get my period like any other girl." Ginny/Gilbert said.

"Ewwwwww." Goyle said.

**SmexiePotion **omg, Ginny Weasly is really a man!

**BumbleBee **No wonder I always thought she/he was hot

**BEAST **ROFL ugly hoe

* * *

plz comment, and no, ginny is not really a man, I made that up because the girl who plays her in the movie's looks like a man :D well at least to me.......

harry is not gay, he has a bunch of kids when he grows up,

be aware of cough drop abuse in your romantical relationship, do not be afraid to speak up, this is a serious matter, do not solve it with a pair of rusty scissors

im back, did you miss me?


	31. This is so Retarded

thanks everyone for waiting for my update! :)

school is almost over! it ends Thursday, which is tomorrow, but i'm going to a camp at a nature reserve for three weeks, fortunately, they'll let me bring my laptop, so i'll still update the story xD

after that nothing much except going swimming the rest of the summer and my bday is next Saturday on the 30th (May 30) im turning 14 :3

then...I START HIGHSCKEWL!!!!!! XD

but dats a long way and its story time

* * *

"Emmett? Emmett?" Carlisle zoomed over to Emmett who was passed out on the floor (he still has his scooter).

"Mumhp." Emmett said.

"You want to hump me?" Carlisle jumped.

"Der." Emmett said and rolled in his unconscious state. Carlisle got back on his scooter, backed up, and ran over Emmett. "AH!" Emmett jumped up and threw a bottle at Carlisle.

"What happened to you?!" Carlisle asked.

"I had the weirdest dream!" Emmett said.

"What? You figured you could save hundreds by switching to Geico?!" Carlisle asked.

"Uh, no. Harry said he was Gay and Tonks tricked him into saying it on video by disguising herself as Ron and Ronald McDonald stole the camera and showed everyone!" He said.

"OK, first, your a vampire so you can't sleep , there fore you can't have dreams." Carlisle said.

"Well were in a crack fanfic?! The author is 13 years old! What did you expect?!" Emmett said, waving his hands.

"You have a point." Carlisle nodded.

**_"__Are you guys talking about me?_" **A voice boomed (meh! xD)

"Uh, no master." Carlisle said.

**_"Good, now do something retarded so the readers will laugh."_** The voice said. Carlisle pulled out a gun and pointed it at Emmett.

"Sorry Emmett. It's for the readers." He said.

"Puh-leaze." Emmett reached behind him and pulled out some poo. "Shot me and I'll throw this at you." He said.

"Were did you get that from?" Carlisle asked.

"Ralph the Bear." Emmett said.

"Oh. Were is he? I haven't seen him in a while." Carlisle said, lowering the gun.

"I don't know, Gemini53095, were did Ralph go?" Emmett asked.

**"_Uh, I forgot about him." _**The voice said.

"Gasp! you forgot about Ralph?" Emmett said.

"What a long user name, Gemini53095." Carlisle said.

"_**I wanted Gemini_95, but it was taken." **_The voce said.

"Oh, anyway, Emmett, take one for the team." Carlisle said. Suddenly, a little girl walked over with a tag, Hello My Name is Amerina (if you read my other fanfic, The Last Immortal Child, you'll know who she is). She grabbed Carlisle's gun, and shot him in the foot. "OW!" He screamed and jumped about on one foot. "I don't know why I'm screaming but I am!" He said. Amerina then walked over, grabbed Emmett's poo hand and shoved it in his face.

"My work here is done." She said, whistled and a void was created right next to her. "Merry Christmas, and too all a Happy New Year!" She said and jumped in then the void closed.

"Who was that?" Emmett asked, poo dripping off his face.

"She look's familiar." Carlisle said, looking up while examining his foot. A blond girl walked over with the tag, Hello my name is May (if you read my other fanfic, Bella's New BFF, you'll know who she is.

"Have you seen my sister?" She asked.

* * *

thanks for reading!

May- from the fanfic, Bella's New BFF

Amerina- from the fanfic, The Last Immortal Child

Gemini53095- me

review, no flames


	32. Magazines

schools out! xD

here is my update

* * *

"Jasperrrrr......." The wind wailed in Jasper's ear.

"Herumphgf." He said, swatting the air because he was busy reading a book in the library.

"Jasperrrrrrr....." It wailed again.

"What?" Jasper looked up.

"Do you have any Alka Selzterrrrrrr?" It asked.

"Oh yeah! I do!" Jasper pulled out a small tablet, opened the window and chucked the tablet out the window.

"Thank youuuuuu." The wind said.

"No problem." He closed it and walked away.

"Bitch please." Amerina walked by.

--------------------------------------------------------------

"Ah hahahahaha!" Jacob ran as fast as he could.

"Get back here!" The Bloody Baron chased him. He hid behind a tall student and the ghost passed him by.

"What did you do?" Renesmee walked over to him.

"I said a crude joke to him." Jacob said.

"Oh, how did it go?" Renesmee asked.

"Ok, FLASHBACK!" Jacob yelled.

---------------

_"Hi Bloody Baron." Jacob walked over._

_"Hello, Jacob right?" He asked._

_"Yes, I have a ghost question." Jacob said._

_"What is it?" The Bloody Baron asked._

_"Can you get a boner?" Jacob asked._

_----------------_

"He's mad because of that?" Renesmee asked.

"Partly, I threw a bunch of Playboy's at him and ran." Jacob said.

"Were did you get the Playboy's from?" Renesmee asked.

"Stole them from Snape." He patted her head,

"Were is my Porno?!" Snape came storming out of his office and down the hall way.

"This? This is your filth?!" The Bloody Baron ran floated over to him.

"Uh, yeah." Snape said. He looked over to him. "Do you have a boner?" He asked.

"Ha! I knew it! Even in death, men get horny over blond hoes!" Jacob jumped out behind the student who was asleep.

"You stole my magazines?!" Snape snapped.

"Yeah, these are magazines alright." Renesmee grabbed a copy and flipped through it. "Why are there boobs so big? Their like hot air balloons!" Renesmee said. Snape grabbed it.

"When your older maybe you'll understand." Snape said.

"ARG!" Ralph the Bear barreled past them, turning The Bloody Baron into a wisp of smoke and Snape ran, dropping all of his "magazines", and Jacob and Renesmee chased Ralph the bear. Ron, Harry, and Hermione walked past.

"Oohh, the latest copy of Wizard Digest!" Ron Bent down and grabbed one. He opened it and Harry and Hermione crowded around it. "Whoa, oh, wow, um." Ron said as he flipped through it. "Ahem, I'm going to go, um, tell, a teacher about these." Ron bent down and picked up all of the magazines and ran off.

"He's not going to, is he?" Hermione said.

"Nope, sorry Hermione." Harry said.

"For what?" Hermione asked.

"That your fbugly." Harry said.

"I'm what?!" Hermione asked.

"Fa-Bug-ly. fbugly. Fucking But Ugly." Harry nodded.

"Am not!" Hermione said. Rosalie walked past, stopped, flipped her hair.

"Are so." She said and walked away.

* * *

yes, short chappie again, read and review plz, no flames, same as always


	33. Dance! Now

sorry i have not updated yet, i had some writers block....which is weird considering this stroy has no plot what so ever, oh well. plz read and review

* * *

"I feel like dancing." Emmett said one day.

"Good for you." Carlisle said, reading a book.

"How do you dance?" Ron asked.

"Well if you must ask....." Renesmee appeared with a bom box.

"Were did you get a boom box?" Emmett asked.

"My dad." She put it on the ground and pulled out a tape and put it in the cassette player then pressed play.

"Yoooouuuu!!!!!" It started out.

"Oh hell no." Carlisle said.

"I love this song!" Emmett jumped up.

"Soulja boy I tell 'em. Hey I got a new dance fo you all called the soulja boy." It started out.

"Uh, what?" Ron got up.

"You have to dance to the song, Carlisle, Ronald." Emmett motioned.

"Ugh!" Carlisle got up. and Ron got up also.

"Do what I do, OK?" Emmett asked (_Yoooouuuu!_).

"Sure." Ron said.

"Shut up!" Renesmee snapped. (_Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaah!_)

"Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe, Watch me Crank It, Watch me Roll, Watch me Crank Dat Soulja Boy, Then Super Man Dat Hoe, Now, Watch me You..." Emmett started to dance to the song.

"What the hell?" Ron mimicked easily and Carlisle did it half heartily (_Crank Dat Soulja Boy). _Harry, Hermione, and a bunch of kids walked into the room.

"What's going on?" Harry asked.

"Dance with us!" Emmett said. Hermione and some other kids joined in while Harry stared.

"Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe. Watch me Lean And Watch Me Rock?. Super Man Dat Hoe. Then Watch me Crank Dat Robocop? Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock. Jocking On Them Haterz Man. When I Do Dat Soulja Boy. I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance." The song said.

"I'm not doing that." Harry said. _(Now You_)

"Yes you are Harry, the song commanded it." Renesmee said.

"I want to dance!" Dumbledore jumped in and started to dance.

"I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass. And If We Get The Fightin-" The song sang (it gets really bad after that).

"See Harry, BumbleBee will dance, but you wont." Renesmee said.

"I want to!" Snape joined in and started dancing. "Hold on, I have to twitter this." He pulled out a phone.

**SmexiePotion **Dancing to Soulja Boy

**StankyLeg **that lame dance is old

"OK fine, I'll join." Harry slumped over and joined in.

I'm To Clean Off In This Hoe. Watch Me Crank And. Watch Me Roll. Watch Me Crank Dat Roosevelt. Then Super soak That Hoe, Super Soak That Hoe. I'm to Fresh Off In This Bitch. Watch Me Show. Now Watch Me Gig. Watch Me Crank My Shoulder Work. And Superman That Bitch." It said.

"I am so putting this on youtube, it will be bigger than Fred." Jasper appeared with Emmett's video camera and was filming.

* * *

i got the idea because on the last day of school my principal (who looks like a retired wrestler and everyone thinks he is) dance to this song in the gym were they had a party for the 8th graders, it was hilarious

no, i don't dance to this song, im white xD

review plz, NO FLAMES!!


	34. Like, oh no

ok ppl back at the library, no time to talk, got to get typing!

* * *

Jacob was on his laptop.

"Do I want to try natural male enhancement?" He read a pop-up. He looked around and clicked yes.

"HA!" Renesmee jumped up.

"AH! What?" Jacob jumped.

"I knew you had a small pickle!" Renesmee laughed.

"do not!" Jacob huffed.

"Do too! you clicked yes on that Extenze pop-up!" Renesmee pointed to the computer. Now a bazillion pop-ups sprang up.

"Oh crap! Better shut off my computer!" Jacob said.

"Wait!" Renesmee stopped him.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"Look, Did you know Miley Cyrus is quitting Hannah Montana!?" Renesmee read a title. Jacob clicked the off button.

"G'day!" It said and shut off.

"Did your computer just said goodbye to you in an Australian accent?" Bella asked from the corner.

"Yes it did." Jacob said.

"I herd the word pickles! I like pickles!" Ron walked in.

SmexiePotion: Just found out miley cyrus is quitting hannah montanna.

BumbleBee: WHAT!!

TabbyCat: this is the end of life as we know it!

"I'll be right back." Renesmee walked off. A second year girl sat at the stiar case. "Psst, did you know Miley Cyrus quitting Hannah Montana?" She whispered to her.

"We weren't talking about pickels." Jacob said to Ron.

"Well I herd the word pickle." Ron said. BAM!

"Oh god, it's everyware!" Renesmee cried. Everyone raced out side. The second year blew her brains off with a shot gun.

SmexiePotion: Oh Snap

* * *

R&R! no flames, thanks xD


	35. Search Overload!

another story, got to make it short, not allot of time sry :(

* * *

Harry was reading the newspaper. Jacob sat across form him on his laptop.

"I'M ON A BOAT!" The music played as Jacob talked to people on twitter.

SmexiePotion: Anyone seen my monster?

Tabbycat:....

"Hey Jacob! Emmett and I found this magical rat that dances!" Renesmee said. Emmett pulled the rat out of his mouth.

"See? Tastes yummy too." Emmett said. Hermione walked by.

"Your laptop shouldn't be working! Technology doesn't work in Hogwarts!" Hermione said.

"That explains why my mechanical pen isnt working." Emmett huffed under his breath.

"Maybe the castle is broken." Renesmee said.

"How does a castle break?" Harry asked.

"Like this!" Renesmee pulled out a mallet and started wailing on the stone wall.

"Stop it!" Hermione said. Renesmee pulled back the hammer and it "accidentally" hit Hermione. Hermione fell to the ground unconscious.

"Um...anyway," Renesmee put the hammer down and stepped over Hermione," Why are you reading the newspaper?" She asked harry.

"Newspaper. Made popular by Benjamin Franklin." Jacob said.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Frank, name commonly associated with hot dog." Jacob said.

"What's up with him?" Renesmee asked.

"What's up, common greeting among friends." Jacob said.

"Oh no, search over load!" Emmett said.

"How do we stop it?" Renesmee asked (at this point Jacob was talking about lawn mowers).

"." Carlisle said as he walked by.

"BING!" Jacob said. "Whoa, what happened?" He asked looking around.

"I"M ON A BOAT!" The laptop said.

"Sure am." Emmett said and walked off.

* * *

thanks for reading, comment plz


	36. JULY FOURTH SPECIAL! xD

happy july fourth! here is a special i wrote, it is not apart of the story

* * *

It was another plane July day. Emmett bounded out of his bed, even though he was not asleep. He ran into the griffendor common room. Jacob was on his lap top.

"Hey Jacob, happy independance day. what are you looking up?" Emmett asked.

"To see if that short north Korean guy shot a missile to Hawaii yet." Jacob said.

"Oh, he better not!" Emmett said.

"He should bomb Pearl Harbor on Pearl Harbor remembrance day, then it would be like, OMG!" Renesmee walked over.

"Communist!" Emmet slapped her.

"Did you just slap me?" Renesmee said, holding her cheek.

"Yeah! I American Pimped slapped yo ass!" Emmett said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"Because....9/11." He said and ran away.

"Odd." Jacob said.

"AHAHAA!!!!" A voice shrieked. Everyone jumped and Bellatrix Lestrange jumped in.

"Wow." Jacob said. Belllatrix tripped on her feet and fell, then got up.

"I'm OK! Anyway, ahem-" She cleared her throat.

"Bellatrix Lestarnge!" Harry jumped.

"Yes! I have come to-"

"Aren't you that chick from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, Charlie's mom?" Renesmee interrupted.

"What?" Bellatrix asked, stunned.

"Yeah, and that girl from Sweeney Todd." Jacob said.

"Ummmm...." Bellatrix said backing away.

"What's going on?" Harry asked.

"I like to do allot of, extra....work." Bellatrix said.

"Communist!" Emmett ran up to her and "American pimped slapped her ass".

"Ow! What the hell man?" Bellatrix said.

"You herd me." Emmett said and walked away.

"Anyway, Bella out!" Bellatrix ran away.

"I'm right here." Bella said, in the door way.

Meanwhile..........

"Hey Edward." Alice walked up to Edward.

"WAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" He cried.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked.

"Micheal hic, Jackson, is dead!!!!!!!!!" He cried.

"...So?" Alice asked.

"So? SO?! THERE IS NO MEANING TO LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!" Edward said.

"What about Bella?" Alice asked.

"I don't want his ass." Bellatrix said as she walked by.

"Can Bella moon walk?" Edward asked.

"No." Alice nodded.

"SEE!" Edward said.

"Communist!" Emmett appeared out of no were and slapped Edward. "Get a grip on your self man! He molested children!" Emmett said and walked way. Edward twitched.

Meanwhile......

"Renesmee...why don't you have blond hair and blue eyes?" Edward appeared out of no were.

"I'm not a bimbo." Renesmee said.

"Bella, why don't YOU have blond hair and blue eyes?" Emmett walked over to Bella.

"Why?" Bella asked.

"Because, to be all-American ,YOU MUST HAVE BLOND HAIR BLUE EYES!" Emmett said.

"No no Emmett, now your going all Hitler on me." Bella stood up from a chair.

"Communist!" Emmett slapped her.

"Hey!" Bella jumped back.

"Hitler is America's natural enemy!" Emmett said.

"Because he killed many Jews, Gypsies, Homosexuals, and Retards?" Renesmee asked.

".....That too." Emmett said.

Meanwhile....xD

"Emmett sure is critical today." Hagrid said to Snape.

"Yeah." Snape said.

"THAT'S RIGHT LONDON! WE KICKED YOUR ASS AND WE'LL KICK IT AGAIN!" Emmett was shouting.

"Emmett, that was over 200 years ago." Harry said.

"Communist!" Emmett slapped him.

"I know what will cheer him up!" Hagrid said.

"What?" Snape asked.

"Fireworks! People shoot them off on the 4th of July in America! Let's get some fireworks!" Hagrid said.

"OK, I'll conjure up some." Snape said,

"No, real ones Muggels make, if we create them he might slap us." Hagrid said.

"Ok, so were do you get fire works?" Snape asked.

"Wal-mart!" Hagrid blurted out.

"Hagrid I don't think they sell fireworks there-" Snape started.

"Let's go!" Hagrid said.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

thanks for reading, comment plz, ill update as soon as possible!


	37. REST OF JULY 4th SPECIAL! xD

here is the rest of the july 4th special, sorry for updating late, ill explain in the next chapter

* * *

Hagrid and Snape arrived at Wal-mart.

"I was thinking Snape, how come we don't hang out more often?" Hagrid asked Snape.

".......Becuase." Snape said.

They walked into the store.

"Welcome to Wal-mart." A mummy greeted them.

"I wonder were the fireworks are." Hagrid looked around.

"I tried to tell you that they don't sell fire-"

"Over there!" Snape pointed to the close section.

"Hagrid that's the clo-"

"This way!" Hagrid grabbed Snape and dragged him over to the close. They were soon surrounded by close. "Wow, just $3.99 for two shirts! They are low priced! I wonder if they have my size...." Hagrid shifted through the close.

"Look at these." Snape pointed to jeans.

"Mom Jeans!" A little kid said as he ran by.

"Oohhh, they must be special!" Hagrid said.

"No they are-"

"Try some on!" Hagrid shoved the jeans on Snape.

"No Hagrid I-"

"Hey guys!" A voice said. The two turned to the voice. It was Sirius on a scooter with a basket for fat people.

"Arn't you dead?" Snape asked.

"And?" Sirius blinked.

"Were buying mom jeans!" Hagrid clapped his hands.

"What no Hagrid we were her for fi-"

"FIREWORKS! Over by the hunting aisle!" Hagrid pointed.

"WILL YOU STOP INTERUPTING ME!!!!!!" Snape roared. Hagrid jumped.

"Yeah, got to go. Hot soccer mom on aisle three." Sirius said and zoomed away. Sirius and Snape went to the hunting aisle.

"Do you have any fireworks?" Hagrid asked a person.

"no." They said and walked away.

"What a bitc-"

"Are you looking for fireworks?" A shady voice said. The two turned to the voice. A guy in all black from those stranger-on-my-street- signs stood by a shot gun.

"Yeah, do you have any you seemingly innocent man?" Hagrid asked.

"sure do." The man pulled out a giant firework. "Fifty bucks." He finished.

"Oh crap, I don't have any money!" Hagrid said.

"Idiot! I don't!" Snape said.

"anyway, we have to see it to believe it." Hagrid lit a match and lit the fuse.

"You idiot! It's gonna blow extra now since it's surrounded by gunpowder!" The guy said and ran off.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Hagrid said. the whole store erupted in chaos as they ran. "Run faster Snape!" Hagrid said as they made a mad dash for the door.

"I can't! These mom jeans are giving my a camel toe and it hurts!" Snape said.

"Guys don't get camel toes!" Hagrid said.

"Quickly, get in my basket!" Sirius zoomed in front of them.

"OK!" The two said at the same time. They made it to the door and Sirius floored the scooter in the parking lot. BAM! Hagrid jumped off.

"Wow, it's so pretty!" He said. Snape jumped off after them.

"WE JUST BLEW UP WAL-MART!" He cried.

"Oh well, c'mon, i'll take you back to Hogwarts." Sirius patted the basket.

The two jumped back in and zoomed off.

--------------------------------back at hogwarts.....---------------------------

"Micheal jackson was a genius!" Edward declared.

"No, he was a little boy toucher!" Emmett said.

"no he was a genius!" Edward said.

"Communist!" Emmett slapped Edward.

"Stop doing that!" Edward said. Emmett tackled Edward then and they got in a fight.

"Hey hey hey!" Jasper grabbed them and shoved them away from each other.

"What?" Emmett and Edward said at the same time.

"We can all agree that Micheal Jackson had a nose job." Jasper said.

"Yeah." Emmett and Edward agreed. Jasper put them down.

"Now, if you excuse me, FREEDOM SCOOTER!" Emmett shouted. A red, white, and blue scooter zoomed over to him. "Good day to you!" He said, hopped on and drove off.

Carlisle appeared all beat up.

"I just got scooter jacked." He said then fell down.

Snape and Hagrid came in.

"I'm going to go twitter." Snape left.

"Were is Emmett?" Hagrid asked.

"Some were." Edward said and walked off.

"What?" Emmett asked. Turns out he crashed into the wall a few feet away. He got up and brushed off his close.

"We wanted to get you fireworks Emmett, but we accidentally lit it and blew up wal-mart." Hagrid said.

"Gasp!" Emmett said.

"Gasp?" Hagrid asked.

"You are worst than a communist! You are a terrorist!" Emmett pointed.

"OK?" Hagrid winced for a slap. Instead, Emmett punched him, hard. Hagrid fell to the ground, knocked out

Then Thomas Jefferson appeared in his undies.

"Any of you hot slaves?" He asked.

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

thanks for reading, comment plzzzzz


	38. Ghost Hunting! xD

ok ppl, i got my new computer finally. i will be updating more often now.

this was brought to my concern by my brother. he was playing halo 3 on xbox live and some one told him ron gets the swine flu! xD in one of the earlier chappies ron got swine flu and turned into a pig, no lie, read through this "story" and find the chappie for me plz. its cool though, i started a rumor xD

i also saw underworld rise of the lycans, its really good, go see it now!!

* * *

"This week on TAPS......" Renesmee watched the TV, her eyes glued to it.

"What ya watchin?" Jacob came in.

"ghost hunters!" Renesmee said.

"huh?" Jacob asked.

"You know what we should do?" Renesmee jumped up.

"Read a book?" Jacob asked.

"Psh, hell no. Let's go ghost hunting!" Renesmee said.

"Right now? it's midnight." Jacob sighed.

"Perfect time!" Let's go! I'll be Grant and you can be Jason from ghost hunters!" Renesmee said.

"I don't want to be Jason!" Jacob said.

"Why not?" Rensmee asked.

"He's the bald one!" Jacob frowned.

"His name is similar to yours. How about your Jason from Friday the 13th?" Renesmee asked.

"Fine. Let's go." Jacob said. They walked out side to the moving stair cases. They turned around and ran into some one. "DARTH VADER!" Jacob screamed and jumped into Renesmee's hands like scooby-doo does to shaggy.

"That's not Darth Vader, that's Emmett in a stupid costume." Renesmee threw Jacob down.

"Oh I knew that." Jacob stood up.

"Anyway, why are you dressed as Darth Vader Emmett?" Renesmee turned to Emmett.

"It makes me feel sexy." Emmett said through the mask. "My light saber is instead my pimp stick." Emmett pressed the button. He bedazzled the handle and it had a bunch of fake jewels on it.

"Wow it glows in the dark." Renesmee said.

"Yeah I got it at Toys-R-Us. What are you two doing here?" Emmett asked the two.

"We are ghost hunting." Renesmee said.

"Cool, can I be Jason?" Emmett asked.

"Too late, I'm Jason!" Jacob said.

"Awww....." Emmett said.

"you can still come, let's go." Renesmee said impatiently. They started to sneak around the castle. They turned a hall way slowly and looked around.

"What are you guys looking for?" a voice asked. Nearly headless Nick was with them.

"ghosts." Renesmee said.

"Oh. Can I be Jason?" He asked.

"No, I'm Ja-GHOST!" Jacob yelled. Emmett, Jacob and Renesmee screamed and ran away. "You could have just said no!" Nearly headless Nick called after them. The three ran back and up the stair case.

"Password?" The Fat lady asked.

"Nutrisystem?" Emmett asked.

"Take one for the team!" Renesmee shoved him into the painting. She meant for Emmett to tear the painting in half, but instead he got sucked into the painting.

"Ah! I'm made of water and colorants!" Emmett jumped.

"At last! A hunk of man meat!" The fat lady said and tackled him.

"help! help! RAPE!!!!" emmett yelled.

"Uh, we got to go look for ghost's else were..." Renesmee said. Her and Jacob bolted from the scene. Emmett managed to shove The Fat Lady off of him and ran at top speed through the paintings, the Fat Lady at his tail. Emmett hit a dead end. He turned around and whacked the Fat Lady on top of her head with his pimp stick. The Fat Lady fainted.

"Well, what do you know, it worked." Emmett took off the costume.

"Emmett?" Rosalie appeared.

"Rosalie! Quick get Carlisle or that old dude to get me out of here!" Emmett said.

"I'm coming after ya!" Rosalie said and jumped in.

"No! now were both stuck in here!" Emmett said. Rosalie turned to him.

"Oh." She said. The two were quiet for a second.

"Wanna make out?" Emmett asked.

Meanwhile.....

Renesmee and Jacob attacked a ghost with a vacuum cleaner.

"Haha! Take it like a man!" Renesmee said.

"I'm a girl!" The ghost said, trying not to get sucked in.

"Renesmee! Jacob! There you are!" Alice appeared. Jacob threw the vacuum cleaner way.

"Yes, here we be." He said.

"I need your help. Rosalie and Emmett got sucked into a painting." Alice said and dragged them away and back to the painting. Some how a crowd of students formed around the painting.

"It's like a porno." One said as they watched.

"All right, break it up, break it up. nothing to see here." Renesmee yelled. Alice and Jacob broke up the crowd.

"Emmett." Alice said. They ignored her. "Emmett." Alcie repeated. Still ignored. "EMMETT!!!!" Alice roared.

"WHAT?!!!!!!!" Emmett said.

"We are going to get you out, OK?" Alice asked.

"Ok, I'm tired of being 2D." Emmett said.

"Rosalie, grab Emmett by the waist, OK?" Alice asked.

"Can do." Rosalie said and wrapped her arms around his waist. Alice reached into the painting and grabbed Emmett's hands.

"I'll pull, you push, OK?" Alice asked.

"Yep." Emmett said.

"Alright, go!" Alice said. Alice pulled as hard as she could and Emmett pushed. After a few minutes the twoo were pulled out.

yay the end god.

* * *

thanks for reading and being patient with the update, comment plz and comment, thanks!


	39. Infomercial Star

this next chapter i thought of while watching an infomercial!

* * *

Renesmee was on Jacob's computer, she was on Discovery Channel's website.

"SUPER GASP!" She jumped up.

"What?" Harry asked walking over.

"Billy Mays died!" Renesmee said and pointed to the computer.

"Who is that?" Harry asked.

"You know, from those infomercials, HELLO I'M BILLY MAYS AND THIS IS.....he screamed allot. It says here he died of a heart attack around the same time Micheal Jackson did. No wonder we didn't hear about it!" Renesmee said.

"What's with all these dead celebrities? Did they all decide to drop all at once?" Jacob walked over.

"Yeah no one cares Jacob. I know! I could be the next Billy Mays!" Renesmee said.

"I'm going to bust the Sham-wow guy out of jail!" JAcob said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"You didn't hear? He was put in jail for beating up a prostitute. See ya." Jacob turned into a wolf and ran off.

Meanwhile.......

Jacob arrived at the jail the Sham-wow guy was at. He turned into a human and forgot to get a spare change of close and was nude.

"Uh, sir, can I help you?" A guard asked.

"Yes, I am looking for the Sham-wow guy." Jacob said. He looked around. "Is there a breeze?" He asked.

"Uh, yeah, this way." The guard said. Jacob was led to the visiting area. A bunch of prisoners saw him and hooted at him.

"Are they normally that friendly? One called me his husband!" Jacob said.

"Here ya go." The guard shoved him into the room. The Sham-wow guy sat behind a glass and looked at him like WTF?

"Hey Sham-wow guy, my name is Jacob." JAcob said.

"Yeah, my name is Sham-wow guy. Would you like one? I got like 50 of them and I've been selling them to the prisoners so they don't rape me or beat me up." The guy said.

"Oh, A Thug Life must be hard." Jacob said.

"Seriously, would you like one?" The guy asked.

"No, I'm here to bust you out!" Jacob said.

"How?" The guy asked.

"HERALD!" Jacob yelled. Herald the Dragon bust through the wall ( I read through this story yeasterday and Jasper had a Dragon named Herald) "Quickly, let's go." Jacob jumped on him. Herald the Dragon glared at Jacob for being naked.

"Hold on, let me get my Sham-Wow's!" The guy stood up.

"THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT!!!!" Jacob grabbed him and threw him on Herald and they flew away.

Meanwhile.....

"How do you work this thing?" Ron asked. He had Jasper and Emmett's video camera.

"Just press play." Renesmee said.

"Uh, OK." Ron said and did. "It's ON!" Ron yelled.

"Oh, Ahem, I'm RENESMEE CULLEN AND THIS IS THE......" Renesmee looked around for something. She grabbed a little boy. "THIS IS THE LITTLE BOY, PERFECT FOR A CATHOLIC PRIEST AND/OR THE SPORTS COACH. CALL NOW AND WE'LL THROW IN TWO LITTLE BOYS PLUS A LITTLE GIRL FOR JUST THE LOW PRICE OF $19.95!" Renesmee shouted like Billy Mays. Ron just stood there.

"Hold up the number!" Renesmee said under her breath.

"Oh, sorry." Ron held up a piece of cardboard with a number on it, it read: 666-666-6666. "Call or the devil will eat you!" Ron said.

"Get em!" A voice said. A band of people in Snuggies appeared and jumped Renesmee. Ron flung the camera and ran off.

"Ow! Hey! What the hell!" Renesmee pushed them off of her. One person in a blue snuggie pulled out a Boom-Box and pressed play.

"I'm the annoying voice from a bunch of infomercials. Now that Billy Maya is dead, and the Sham-wow guy is in prison, I'll have no competition! So you better knock it off!" The recording said.

"So you sent the Sham-wow guy in jail and killed off Billy Mays?" Renesmee asked.

"Yes." The voice said.

"Wow, what a douche." Renesmee said. BAM! Herald the Dragon, Jacob, and The Sham-wow guy bust through.

"You! You sent me to jail!" The Sham-wow guy said. The guys in Snuggies pulled out another CD and switched it out.

" IN CASE SHAM-WOW GUY BUST'S THROUGH WINDOW ON A DRAGON: Yes, I sent the prostitute and ordered her to say you raped her. I didn't think you'd hit her." The voice said.

"How could you?!" Jacob jumped down, naked.

Renesmee fell on the ground laughing.

"Oh shit, um excuse me." Jacob ran off.

"OK voice, pay back." The Sham-wow guy pulled out the Egg-Chop and started to beat up the people in Snuggies with it. He grabbed the boom-box and tossed it out the window.

"OW my head!" Neville's voice cried. Jacob reappeared fully dressed.

"So, Sham-wow guy, what's your name?" He asked.

"You know what, I forgot." He said.

"Huh." Jacob said.

"Anyway, I'm going to beat up some more hookers." The Sham-wow guy left.

"Ew, all the girls here are ugly!" Thomas Jefferson said as he walked by.

* * *

thanks for reading, remember to comment, i want at least 300 and so far i have 201, so comment plz, no flames!

that thing about the voice killing billy mays and putting the sham-wow guy in jail is NOT TRUE! I made it up for the story, and yes, billy mays did die and the sham-wow guy did go to jail for beating up a prostitute, his mug shot is online, google it, he's all beat up and it's funny


	40. Go Green

k, here is my next chappie xD

* * *

Renesmee was in a class just watching. She jumped on top of the table.

"You know what I'm going to do?" She announced. Snape was twittering away on his computer.

"Leave?" A student asked.

"No, I'm going to...GO GREEN!" She said.

"I'm not going to give you a potion that will turn you green." Snape said.

"Not that idiot. Ralph!: Renesmee called. Mr. Banana-Man the Bear ran in. "Your not Ralph." Renesmee said.

"Ralph is with Emmett." Mr. Banana-Man said.

"Doing what?" Renesmee asked.

"Trying to see if they can make poo talk." He Said.

"Whatever, OK, I'm off!" Renesmee said and ran out riding on Mr. Banana-Man like he was a horse, a trail of green sparkles after her.

Edward and Thomas Jefferson were spying on kids walking by.

"So, Thomas Jefferson, mind if I call you T-Jeff?" Edward asked.

"Sure." He said.

"Pa!" Renesmee skidded to a stop, Mr. Banana-Man sniffed the air.

"I smell democracy!" He said. Thomas Jefferson looked around and jumped off the ledge.

"Ow!" Neville cried.

"I'm OK!" Thomas Jefferson cried up.

"Who was that?" Renesmee asked.

"No one, what do you want?" Edward asked.

"I have decided to go green pa, will you join me?" Renesmee asked.

"Well....I wanted Bella to get an abortion when you were born, let Jacob hump your leg when you were born...so I guess I'll earn some father points." Edward shrugged and got on Mr. Banana-Man's back behind Renesmee.

"To Snape's room to recycle his Monster Cans!" Renesmee said.

Snape was still Twittering.

"Sir are you going to teach class?" A person asked.

"Huh, go.....scissors." He said.

"That wasn't a sentence." A student said.

"EARTH WARRIORS!" Renesmee bust through the wall. Mr. Banana-Man was wearing armor to were he looked like a tank, Renesmee had on a knight suit and Edward had on a Little-Bo-peep dress and a Shepard's stick-thingy.

"How come you get to look cool?" Edward asked Renesmee.

"I'm the Earth Knight dad." Renesmee pulled up the visor, then it fell down. She tried to get off Mr. Banana-Man, but the armor was too heavy and she fell off. She rolled onto her side like a turtle and got up.

"And what am I?" Edward asked.

"The Earth Knight's lovely maiden, Ugly-Chicken."Renesmee said.

"What?" Edward asked.

"Do not questionith my desitions.....ith. Nowith! We shallith recycleith these cans....ith!" Renesmee started throwing the cans into a bag. She accidentally grabbed Snape's Monster he was still drinking and tossed it into the bag.

"OH HELL NO!" Snape jumped at her.

"AHith!" Renesmee said and fell down. Snape jumped on top of her and started to hit her.

"Hey you! Stop raping my daughter." Edward pointed at him with his cane.

"Hey Edward, me and Aphrodite are best friends, see ya!" Rosalie appeared, Aphrodite, a mirror image next to her and they walked away.

"But Aphrodite isn't real!" Edward called.

"It's called a CRACK fanfic!" Rosalie shouted.

"Uh, dad, Help." Renesmee said, Snape still wailing on him.

"What? Go get em." Edward waved to her.

"That's it! GWARP!" Renesmee called. Gwarp tore through t he wall, tossed it away and let out a battle cry. The students yelled back and ran off. Snape jumped up.

"YOU LEAVE NESSIE-POO ALONE!" Gwarp grabbed Snape and tossed him, no flung him, across the school's campus and into the forbidden forest.

"Team Rocket Blast's off again!" He shouted as he disappeared.

"Why are you on Renesmee's side?" Edward asked.

"I LOVE THE PLANET" Gward said. Renesmee sat up.

"Yeah, I'm going to go, take a nap." Renesmee said and fell down asleep. Edward poked her with the cane.

* * *

thanks for reading, remember to comment, no flames, same old same old xD


	41. Rehab

ok ppl, thanks for those nice reviews :) the snape-addiction-to-twitter is getting old, so snape is going to go to rehab! enjoy

* * *

"Snape, I would like to talk to you." Dumbledore appeared wearing a half mesh shirt, short shorts, and roller skates, the kind that aren't in a line, with knee high socks. His beard had a pink streak in it.

"Uh, sir, what are you wearing?" Snape asked.

"Oh this? I went shopping with Rosalie and her gal pal." Dumbledore said.

"Yeah, so what do you want?" Snape asked closing the laptop.

"You have not been teaching due to your addiction to Twitter. So, I'm sending you to...REHAB!" Dumbledore said.

"What! Why?" Snape jumped up.

"You haven't bathed since you had that date with Harry Mom-Doll which was like, forever ago, you haven't done your job since then either, so, I'm forcing you to go to rehab for your twitter addiction. Don't worry, I'm sending Emmett to go with you." Dumbledore said.

"Who is that?" Snape blinked.

"Me. I'm going for an addiction to.... air." Emmett said.

"That's not an addiction!" Snape said.

"For a vampire it is, no, let us go! HERALD!" Emmett yelled. Herald the dragon bust through the wall. He had on a saddle. Emmett grabbed Snape and got on Herald, and they left.

-----------------------------

"OK, class, let's introduce ourselves. I'm Dr. Drew." Dr. Drew from celebrity rehab said.

"Wait, none of us our celebrities." Snape said. Emmett sat with him dressed as a cowboy.

"Shhh!" HE snapped.

"Anyway, let's start with you." Dr. Drew turned to the person next to me. He stood up.

"My name is Caius and I'm addicted to cup cakes." Caius said.

"Hi Caius." The group said. There was six in total including Emmett and Snape. They circled around to Snape.

"My name is Snape and I'm addicted to Twitter." He said.

"Hi Snape." The group said.

"OK, the first few hours of your healing is called.......I don't know" Dr. Drew said (I really don't xD). Everyone settled into their rooms. Emmett was with Caius and Snape was with a tree huger addict.

"So is that a real addiction?" Snape asked.

"Yes...I have to HUG!!!!!" He jumped up and tackled Snape.

"Ah! What the hell?!" Snape yelled.

"Feel the love! ARE YOU FEELING IT!!!!!!!?" The guy asked.

"He's relapsed! Take him down!" Dr. Drew said in the door way. Two bouncers appeared and tazered the tree huger.

Meanwhile.....

"So Caius, your addicted to cup cakes? How is that possible?" Emmett asked.

"What? Huh, man, I'm freaking out! I need a cupcake, like, I see them floating around your head right now." Caius said. Emmett looked around.

"I don't see them." Emmett said.

"Yeah...Aro got tired of me eating all the cup cakes and sent me here." Caius said. Suddenly, Emmett's suit case was thrown open and Renesmee crawled out.

"Ahaha!" She jumped up.

"Why are you here?" Emmett asked.

"You think I was going to miss out on this? A bunch of screwed up people in rehab? Hell no!" Renesmee said and fell out of it then stood up. Then Caius's suit case threw open. Aro crawled out.

"Why are YOU here?" Caius jumped.

"I wanted to make sure you get real treatment. OH! Renesmee! Want to join the Vulturi?" Aro asked.

"Uhhhhhhhhhh......." Renesmee looked around then ran out the door. Aro ran after her.

"Just think! You get a cool cloak!" Aro yelled after her.

Out side, Renesmee ran into the tree huger guy who was being dragged away.

"Here ya go!" She pulled out a tree from her pocket and dropped it on him.

"HUG!" The guy said and gave a big bear hug to the tree. Aro tripped over him and fell down.

"What the?" He asked.

"He's relapsed again! Tazer him!" Dr. Drew said. The bouncers appeared and tazered both Aro and the guy.

The Next day.......

The tree huger guy and everyone else was gone, just Snape, Caius, Aro, Emmett, and Renesmee were there.

"Were is everyone else?" Emmett asked.

"Their homes got foreclosed on them so we kicked them out." Dr. Drew said.

"That's kinda mean." Emmett said.

"Yeah who cares, SNAPE! Stop eating the chair!" Dr. Drew yelled. Snape was gnawing at his chair. He spat out the fluff and sat normally.

"Sorry. Um, do you have a phone?" Snape asked.

"No, now, who first introduced you to Twitter?" Dr. Drew asked.

"Her." Snape pointed to Renesmee. Renesmee smiled.

"So, why did you introduce Snape to Twitter?" Dr. Drew asked.

"I didn't think he'd get addicted to it, I just showed him it." Renesmee shrugged.

"Uh-hu." Dr. Drew started writing on his note pad.

"What are you writing?" Snape asked.

"Nothing." Dr. Drew said. Snape jumped up and grabbed the clipboard.

"Loser, no friends, suffers from loneliness?!" Snape read. Emmett burst out laughing.

"Hey! Those are private!" Dr. Drew said.

"I'll show you private!" Snape started to wail on Dr. Drew.

A few minutes later...........

Dr. Drew sat in his chair all beat up with band-aid's every were. Snape was strapped to his chair and was full of tranquilizer. His head rolled on his shoulder's and drool oozed down his mouth.

"Ah-hem, now, Caius, your addicted to....cupcakes?" He read.

"Yes." He said.

"Uh, ok." Dr. Drew started to write.

"Now, why did you start to abuse pastries?" Dr. Drew asked.

"I don't know." Caius said.

"Because he beats his wife and wants to kill everyone and wants to molest Renesmee." Aro said.

"Do not! I read your diary! You want Renesmee to join the Vulturi and call her Madame Hotcakes!" Caisus said.

"Hey! My diary is private!" Aro stood up.

"Everyone reads it! Including Demetri, Alec, and Jane!" Caius said.

"You want to go? You don't want to mess with this!" Aro said.

"Bring it! I'll put the smack down on you!" Caius said and rolled up his sleeves.

"Hey! No fighting!" Dr. Drew said. Caius lunged at Aro.

A few minutes later...............

Caius and Aro were strapped to the wall since their chair's were currently out side. They were also knocked up on tranquilizer. Renesmee was reading a book.

"OK, um, Emmett, your addicted to, air?" Dr. Drew wrote.

"Yes sir." Emmett said, dressed like Ceaser.

"Uh, ok. Now, you, Renesmee, excuse me, what are you reading?" He asked.

"Aro's diary." Renesmee said and held it up.

"OK, what are you addicted to?" Dr. Drew asked.

"....Oxygen." Amerina said.

"That's it, I quit." Dr. Drew stood up and left.

Back at Hogwarts......

"OK T-Jeff and, fake goddess, drop this nickel from here and see if it cut's people in half." Edward handed a nickel to Thomas Jefferson and Aphrodite.

"Oohhh...I'm hot!" Aphrodite stared at herself in the nickel.

"Hey! That's me!" Thomas Jefferson said and stared at him self in the nickel. Edward sighed and tossed his nickel off the edge.

"Oh my god! She's cut in half!" Some one called from , Herald the dragon crashed through a window. Renesmee, Emmett, and Snape jumped off.

"Renesmee? What were you doing with them?" Edward asked.

"Nothing you need to worry about." Renesmee said and left. Dumbledore skated up then.

"Ah, Snape, so is your addiction to Twitter cured?" He asked.

"Uh, yeah." Snape said.

"Good, now you can go back to your job. See ya." Dumbledore skated away.

"You aren't are you?" Edward asked Snape.

"Hell no." Snape said and left.

* * *

thanks for reading xD that was a long chappie, but i couldn't help but laugh while typing it.

that Aphrodite thing is retarded, idk why i put her in the story, oh well, this is a crack fanfic :)

comment plz, like i said, i want 300 reviews xD

no flames allowed still


	42. To The Real World!

on the last chapter i said that Aro wanted Amerina to join the Vulturi and call her madame Hot Cakes, I ment to type Renesmee, so, yeah , i dont feel like correcting them xD (Amerina is in my other fanfic The Last Immortal Child, she's duh, the last immortal child and reminds me of Renesmee so i get the two confused allot)

i hope you like this chapter

* * *

Edward and Bella were in the great hall when everyone was in class.

"I'm bored." Bella said.

"Want to do it?" Edward asked.

"Edward, how come when I was a human and not that attractive you didn't want to have sex, but now your all over my ass?" Bella asked.

"Uh.......... I didn't want to hurt you??" Edward cringed.

"Yeah, right." Bella rolled her eyes. Then, a portal opened up. Amerina leaned out of it.

"Quickly! Get me a soda!" She cried, waving her arms.

"Who are you?" Edward jumped.

"There is no time to explain! This thing's going to explode if you don't get me a soda!" Amerina cried.

"What?!" Bella yelled over the noise.

"Freaking idiots!" Amerina cursed and went back in. Then, Bella and Edward were sucked into the portal. They glided down a blue tunnel, images flashing past them, then, a fork in the tunnel appeared. Amerina went left.

"She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes, OH, she'll be coming round the mountain!" She sang as she scrunched up in a ball and did cartwheels, and disappeared. Bella and Edward went to opposite way. The tunnel opened up and they fell hard on pavement.

"Hey watch it you wankers!" A person shook there fist at them as they dodged there fall. Bella stood up and looked up. The portal was gone.

"Crap! It's gone!" Bella said.

"Ah, you bloody Americans! McDonalds is that way!" The guy said and left.

"Shut up and go drink tea!" Edward shouted after them.

"Were are we?" Bella looked around.

"Looks like it's England." Edward said. "Whoa! Look! Bella it's you!" Edward pointed toward a large sign. STEPHENIE MEYER BOOK SIGNING! TWILIGHT!

"What a dumb name." Bella scoffed.

"Excuse me, do you like Twilight?" Edward asked a girl with a Team Edward Shirt on.

"Oh hell ya! I luvvvvvvvvvv Edward! I'm going to marry him!" The girl said.

"What's Twilight about?" Bella asked.

"A girl named Bella falls in love with a vampire named Edward. It's so romantic!" The fan said.

"What a dumb idea." Bella said.

"My name's Edward, and my wife's name is Bella." Edward said. The fan's jaw dropped.

"Oh.....my..god. EDWARD AND BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!" the fan roared. Suddenly, as if the girl let out a war cry and soldiers herd to help her, a sea of fans going to the book signing appeared.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They roared.

"Oh shit, run Bella!" Edward said. They ran off as the mob stampeded.

"I LUV U EDWARD!!!!!" A girl yelled. Edward and Bella ran into the store Stephanie Meyer was giving a book signing and hid in the back.

"Excuse me." Edward said as she bumped into a woman.

"Oh that's OK. Wait, Edward? Bella?" The girl asked.

"Stephanie Meyer?" Edward asked.

"Yeah! I wrote you! You think I wouldn't recognize you two? Why are you here?" Stephanie asked.

"WE don't know, we got sucked into the real world!" Bella said.

"Huh, let's get you out of here." Stephanie said.

"Hey Edward and Bella, there you are." Emmett appeared, his shirt ripped of, pants in shreds, pieces of hair missing and kissing marks all over him, same with Jasper who was next to him.

"What happened to you?" Bella asked.

"Well, a portal opened and a girl asked us for beverages but we said no, we got sucked into the portal and she started singing folk songs and disappeared, we got sucked into a different tunnel and appeared in the middle of a rapid crowd." Emmett explained.

"So many.... there was so many!" Jasper said, crying.

"So they like raped you?" Edward asked.

"Yeah-" Emmett said. There was and explosion and the group ran up to the store front.

TWILIGHT IS LAME! HARRY POTTER RULES!!!!! Was written on the window. A bunch of people dressed up as wizards ran off on fake broom sticks.

Meanwhile back at hogwarts.......

Malfoy and Harry were getting into a fight.

"Watch it Potter, I have money!" Malfoy said.

"I'm the chosen one!" Harry said.

"....My hair is sexy!" Malfoy said.

"Ok, break it up." Dumbledore appeared. Then, a portal opened up.

"Any of you have soda?" Amerina asked.

"Uh, no." Dumbledore said.

"Crap! Does anyone have SODA?!" Amerina asked and disappeared into the portal. Malfoy, Harry, and Dumbledore were sucked inside. Like Edward, Bella, Jasper, and Emmett, they were sucked into the detour. They landed inside someones house.

"Ouch, my hair!" Malfoy said.

"What the?" A person asked. The three jumped up to see J.K. Rowling. "Harry, Malfoy, Dumbledore?" She asked.

"Hey, person, we need your help! Can you get us to Platform Nine and Three Quarters?" Dumbledore asked.

"No, because it isn't real. I wrote you as a book. Your not real." J.K. Rowling said.

"Were is your proof?" Dumbledore asked. J.K. Rowling pulled out a Harry Potter book.

"Why is Potter the main character?" Malfoy asked.

"Because I'm awesome. Wait, what about Bella and Edward?" Harry asked.

"Oh, them, they are characters in a different book." J.K. Rowling frowned. Then,a portal opened up.

"Yeah, speaking of them, Edward, Bella, Jasper, and Emmett are at Stephanie Meyer's book sighing at the Barnes and Nobels." Amerina said and disappeared back in.

"Who was that?" J.K. Rowling asked.

"I don't know, anyway, we have to go get them! Do you have a broom stick?" Harry asked.

"No, I have a car though." She said. They jumped into her car and speed off toward the book signing. After dodging a hoard of wandering Twilight fans, they arrived at the book store and ran inside.

"Harry? Melfey?" Bella asked, they were hiding inside.

"See, here they are." Dumbledore said.

"ROWLING!" Stephanie Meyer jumped up from behind a book case.

"Meyer!" J.K. Rowling growled. The two glared at each other, sparks flying.

"What's up with them?" Harry asked.

"Now, we can settle this once and for all, who is better?" Rowling glared.

"Of coarse me, I beat out your silly little book, Tales of Beddle the Bard for best book in Great Britain!" Stephanie said.

"Ha, I scoff at that, Harry Potter has become embedded in Pop Culture, not some one time thing like Twilight. My story shows the growth of Harry through the years, not some silly love." J.K. Rowling said.

"What are you, a lesbian? Who doesn't love a good romance story?" Stephanie Meyer said.

"You....Bitch!" J.K. Rowling tackled her. Soon they were fighting.

"Kick her ass Stephanie!" Emmett cheered.

"What are you talking about? J.K. Rowling is way better!" Malfoy said.

"No one even knows J.K. Rowling's real name." Emmett said.

"Oh yeah?" Malfoy raised hsi fist. Emmett picked him up and chucked him through the wall.

"I'm OK!" Malfoy said.

"Hey, according to this website, Harry Potter and Twilight exist in different universes!" Edward said. The group walked over to the computer Edward was on.

"What kind of sick son of a bitch would combine the two?!" Dumbledore cried.

"Gemini53095." Edward said.

"Huh?" Dumbledore asked.

"See, I looked up Harry Potter and Twilight Crossovers/Combination, and it came up with this website, and one of the links is to a story called The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight Cross-Over and the author's screen name is Gemini53095." Edward said.

"Ooohhhh, a Gemini! You'll know she'll be oodles of fun!" Emmett said.

"How do you know they are a girl?" Edward asked.

"The bio, they say so see?" Emmett said.

"Oh, hey, they live in STL, Missouri! Let's go find her, maybe she can set us straight!" Edward said.

"I'm not going there!" Malfoy said.

"Why not?" Emmett asked, cracking his knuckles.

"Because, ! Did you know they are one the most obese cities in the US and crime rates as well as unemployment have spiked?" Malfoy said.

"That just means it's fun!" Emmett said and knocked him out. They left Stephanie Meyer and J.K. Rowling behind as they fought and left to STL.

"Can we watch a ball game? Or go on a tour of the Anheuser-Bush brewery? Or go to Grant's Farm? Maybe we can go on a ride on the Clidestails they have in the commercials? Maybe we can we can see the arch! Or go to the Opera House, or or we can go to a Jazz show!" Emmett said as they drove around St. Louis.

"No! We don't have time for that!" Bella snapped.

"Hey, did you know the hot dog, cheeseburger, ice tea, the ice cream cone, and toasted ravioli were invented at the World's fair in 1904?" Edward read from a brochure.

"Omg! No way!" Emmett said.

"Yeah! And, and, Ragtime was invented here, which led to blues and jazz which led to rock-n-roll!" Edward said, turned the brochure around.

"I swear, if we get shot, My dad is going to take all your money!" Malfoy said.

"We are not going to get shot, calm down, no, were could this girl live?" Bella asked as she drove.

"I know!" Amerina said.

"How do you know mystery girl?" Bella asked.

"She created me in one of her crazy fanfics, and my name is Amerina." She said.

"Yeah, no one cares, lets go!!!!!!!!" Emmett said.

Meanwhile.....

"Lol, jk!" A girl texted to her friend. BAM! A car crashed through her living room. She jumped up.

"I HAVE A DOOR!" She yelled. The gang jumped out. Then, she fainted when she saw who they were, but jumped back up. "You guys aren't real! What are you doing here?" I asked.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" A voice yelled.

"Nothing! It was the TV!" She shouted back.

"It was really loud!" Her dad yelled.

"It was in HD!" She yelled.

"Oh! OK!" Her dad said and fell back asleep.

"Anyway, we need your help. We were sucked out of your fanfic and into the real world and now we can't get back." Dumbledore said.

"Look at this stupid thing!" Malfoy pointed to the TV.

"Wait, that can't be possible because I'm still typing that chapter, see?" She walked over to a computer and hit a key on the keyboard, getting rid of the screen saver to the story editor on fanfiction . net.

"Wow, 41 chapters, your a loser." Emmett said.

"I know." She sighed.

"So, this is a story within a story, within a story, within a story, within a story and so on?" Dumbledore asked.

"Pretty much." She shrugged.

"Wow a dog! Ow it bit me!" Malfoy jumped away from my dog, Nate.

"WE DON"T HAVE HD!" Her dad called.

"Shut UP!" She yelled.

"Well then, some one's not going to get a visit from Santa!" Her dad yelled.

"Santa isn't real!" She yelled back.

"LALALA!!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY? DON'T LIE TO ME!" Her dad said.

"Were the hell are all the Dorritoes?" Amerina walked in. Then, the computer created the portal out of no ware.

"Shot gun!" Amerina jumped in. Emmett, Edward, Bella, Malfoy, Jasper, Dumbledore, and Harry were sucked in. The portal closed then.

"Better type the rest!" She sat down and started typing.

Neville was walking to class, then the group all fell on him at once. Emmett sat up.

"Thanks for cushioning our fall!" Emmett said, Neville twitched.

"Yeah, Amerina, out." Amerina said and jumped back into the portal.

* * *

wow, that was long xD plz comment, no flames!


	43. Zombie Attack!

k ppl, thanks for those uplifting reviews xD those made my day.

i came up w/ this idea while watching the original Night Of The Living Dead with my friends, and as u may not know, im obsessed with zombie movies, they r all so kool! so, it is only natural i make a spoof of zombies xD

* * *

"Hey, what that?" A student pointed to a person who was walking funny.

"Probably a retard." Hagrid said. He was teaching Care of Magical Creatures outside as always.

The retard got close and was reviled to have half a head.

"Oh me god! Are ye OK?" Hagrid ran over to them.

"Brainsssssssssss." The person lunged at him.

"ZOMBIEEEE!!!!!" A voice howled. Renesmee appeared with a shot gun and blasted it's head off.

"What the hell is a zombie?" Hagrid asked.

"An undead mofo that eats the living! Come on! We have to go back up to the castle! There are more coming!" Renesmee pointed. Sure enough, more retards were walking. Te class ran up and back into the Castle. "EMMETT!" Renesmee yelled. Emmett appeared .

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Zombies." Renesmee turned his head to the school ground.

"Close the door man!" Emmett pulled the lever and green slime fell on him.

"Hahahaha!" Renesmee was rolling on the ground.

"Opps, I've just been slimed!" He said.

"CLOSE THE DOOR!" Hagrid shrieked like a girl.

"Fine, sheesh." Emmett grabbed the handle again and closed the door.

"Quick, Renesmee, round up the staff, Hagrid, get Harry and Pals, I'll get Malfoy and gang." Emmett said.

"What about the rest of the students?" A kid asked.

"What about them?" Emmett said and ran off.

"Harry, Hermione, Ron, let's go! There is a zombie invasion." Hagrid said.

"Can we come?' Ginny asked with Neville.

"Sure, let's go to the Griffendor common room." Hagrid said. They ran up to the common room and went in. The Snape and Dumbledore were there.

"Renesmee, were is the rest of the staff?" Emmett asked her.

"There's more?" Renesmee asked.

"Ugh." Emmett said. Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Jasper, Alice, Mr. BananaMan the bear, and Ralph the Bear walked in.

"That guy was really rude, he freaking' attacked me, talking about brains." Bella scoffed. Everyone started to talk crazily about the zombie invasion.

"Are you sure they are not Inferi?" Snape asked. Emmett jumped on top of a table.

"Positive! They are Zombies because they say, _braaaaaiiiiinnnssss_, which, zombies eat." Emmett said.

"Wait, why would a zombie go after a vampire? We are undead too technically." Bella said.

"Because, we have Brains too." Emmett said.

"Oh." Bella said.

"Uh, Emmett, zombies aren't real." Renesmee said.

"Why do you say that?" Emmett asked. Renesmee pulled out Jacob's laptop and pressed play on it.

"Zombies are popular horror movie creations. Originally created by George A. Romero in the movie, The Knight of the Living Dead. Since he did not copy right the movie, there are very differentiations of zombie movies, such as Resident Evil, Land Of the Dead, 28 Days, and so on. There are many video games as well like House of the Dead. In the classic zombie movies, they move slow, are recently dead, crave human flesh and brains. Sometimes depending on the zombie movie, they might talk or have super strength and speed. What causes the zombies varies from a virus to a mutation. The universal one weakness a zombie as is an attack to the brain. People become zombies from wither a bit or a scratch from a zombie. Zombies still scare us today despite the many movies, but one thing is for sure, you'll never look at a grave yard the same way." A voice said.

"See? It's just some movie thing." Renesmee said.

"Hey look, there are more." Jasper pointed. Everyone looked out the windows. A sea of zombies were outside.

"Good thing we closed the door." Hagrid said. BAM!

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Filch yelled.

"Yeah, looks like they just got pass the door." Edward said.

"Well, we are safe as long as we stay here. But, just in case, we must go over the zombie movie rules." Emmett said.

"What are they?" Harry asked.

"OK, number one: stick together no matter what, number two: the only way to kill a zombie for sure is to shoot them in the head, number three: if you get bit or scratched by a zombie, you will become one so you must die, number four: all zombies must die no matter who they are, they are no longer living and do not think like a human. Comprendo?" Emmett asked. Everyone nodded.

"Hey guys! Look what I found!" Jasper pulled out five shot guns.

"Uh....those are not mine." Seamus said. Jasper kept a gun, gave one to Emmett, one to Dumbledore, one to Snape, and one to Harry.

"Here is how to use a gun." Emmett pointed the gun to the wall and pulled the trigger. He showed them how to reload too.

"Uh, how come I get one?" Harry asked.

"You defend the humans with Snape and Dumbledore." Jasper said.

"Yeah, us Vampire's can handle tings our selves." Edward cracked his knuckles.

"OK, Jasper, let's go hunting.....for ZOMBIES!" Emmett said.

"Already ahead of you." Jasper was on Ralph the bear. He had on the black stuff foot ball players wear under their eyes, he had his sock tied as a head back around his head. Emmett jumped on Mr. BananaMan the Bear.

"Wait! Emmett!" Rosalie ran up to him.

"Yeah baby?" Emmett asked, tying his own sock around his head.

"Don't go! We an be happy together!" Rosalie said.

"Sorry sweet cheeks, but this is something I have to do." Emmett said.

"Uh, fine then, but if you die, I'm going to change to girls!" Rosalie said. Aphrodite walked up.

"Sorry Rosalie, I can't marry you, I'm already married." She said.

"Oh...Esme?" Rosalie turned around.

"Uh, no." Esme said and started to make out with Carlisle.

"Get it Carlisle!" Edward cheered.

"See ya Rosalie." Emmett said.

"Emmett if you die can I have your video camera?" Renesmee asked.

"He's not going to die! Let's go!" Jasper said and the two left.

"So...single?" Neville walked over and slicked his hair.

"Go away." Rosalie pushed him hard and he fell to the ground creating a mini-creator.

"I'm...not OK." Neville said.

"Your all yo-yos! All of you!" Snape said.

"Your the yo-yo!" Emmett's distant voice called.

Back with Jasper and Emmett....

"Ha! Five points!" Emmett blew the head off a zombie.

"Crap, we're tied!" Jasper said.

Then, he shot a zombie, the bullet hit the zombie in the head.

"Head shot!" A voice said from no ware. Jasper and Emmett looked around but saw no one. They went around, de-zombifying the castle.

"Whoa Jasper, I got 65 points and all you have is 50!" Emmett said.

"Watch this!" Jasper shot the wall, the bullet bounced off the wall and bounced off the other wall, then hit a zombie in the head.

"Yeah, that wasn't needed." Emmett scoffed.

"That's ten points. Starting to look like Rosalie might go for girls after all." Jasper said.

"Yeah right, at least I get freaky with my girl." Emmett said.

"Gasp! You take that back! My relationship with Alice isn't entirely physical!" Jasper said. Emmett pulled out a white glove and slapped him with it. "Well...at least Alice doesn't want to leave me if she got offered a baby." Jasper said under his breath. Cha-chink. Emmett had his gun pointed at Jasper's head.

"Want to say that again?" Emmett asked. Jasper also pointed his gun at him.

"I said, at least Alice wont leave me if you waved a baby under her nose!" Jasper said.

"Braaiiinnsss?" A zombie asked.

"Not now!" Emmett yelled.

"Brains!" The zombie said as if to say, well then!

Back with Everyone else......

Everyone was just sitting around, bored.

"Password?" The fat lady asked.

"Are they back already?" Bella asked.

"Brains!" A zombie said.

"I'm sorry, that's not it." The Fat Lady said.

"Fat Lady! Don't let them in!" Harry called.

"I'm not!" She called back.

"Braaaaaiiiinnnnssss." A bunch of zombies said.

"Wait, what are you doing! Stop that! I'm not meant to bend that way!" The Fat Lady said. There was a tearing noise then and the Fat Lady's painting was thrown away as a sea of zombies poured in.

"Ah! No! My hair is to young to die!" Malfoy screamed

"Take this!" Snape started to shoot them but couldn't aim for shit.

"Hermione! What ARE YOU DOING?!!!" Harry shouted.

"Teaching them English." Hermione said. She had a couple desks with zombies in them and a chalk board. "Now, let's go over one of the most important rules of English. I before E except after....Arg! Finish the rule." Hermione pointed to one of the zombies.

".....Brains?" It said.

"Sorry, the correct answer was c." Hermione said.

"BRAINS!!!" The Zombie stood up and threw the desk across the room.

"Arg, now you'll have to go sit in the corner." Hermione pulled out a Dunce cap and put it on his head.

"....Brains...." He said and sat facing the corner.

"Ow! Stop that!" Neville was being ganged up by the zombies. They were pushing him around and laughing at him. Malfoy was showing them how to comb their hair like his, and a group of zombies were crowded around the Twilight Girls, ogling them.

"Everyone! Look!" Edward called. A group of Zombies were in rows of neat straight lines. Edward was dressed like Micheal Jackson from the Thriller video.

"OK, let's take it from the top!" Edward said. He started singing Thriller and then danced to it and so did the zombies.

"Go dad!" Renesmee had out Emmett's video camera and was taping it. Everyone was watching. Emmett and Jasper came back.

"What is he doing?" Emmett asked Carlisle.

"Recreating the Thriller video." He said.

"Oh, well, some one has to be the girl." Emmett looked around and grabbed Neville. "You'll do!" He said.

"I'm not a girl!" He said. But before Emmett could reply, Herald the Dragon came in and burned all the zombies with his fire.

"Talk about bad breath!" Dumbledore said.

"AHHH!! FIYAH!!!!" Emmett ran away and the vampires all nearly had a panic attack. Herald was done and all the zombies were dead.

"Awww...." Edward said and popped his jacket's collar.

"Why did you do that?" Hermione asked.

"I thought you needed help." Herald the Dragon said. Emmett walked over.

"Oh my god! Your a Dragon!" He said.

"MAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" A voice said. Everyone looked around as the voice cackled. Then, Voldemort appeared.

"YES! THEY ARE ALL-" He stopped and looked around. "Shit! I thought the zombies would kill all of you!" He said.

"Hey, aren't you the guy with cupcakes?" Emmett asked.

"Why...yes... I do have some tasty cupcakes." Voldemort said.

"Ewww....Snake guy." Emmett said.

"Anyway, I sent the zombies to kill you all." Voldemort said and sighed. Everyone paused and looked at Herald the Dragon.

"Toast him!" Harry said.

"Uh, got to go!" Voldemort ran out, Herald the Dragon on his tail

* * *

thanks for reading still xD

comment comment comment, i want 300 reviews, if i do, i'll do a spoof of the movie 300 :D

no flames, same old, same old


	44. Neville Goes Emo

thanks for the comments xD

story time story time story time

* * *

"Hey Neville, loser!" Some one pushed Neville. More students passed by and shoved him. Harry walked up and slapped him.

"Reject chosen one!" He said and walked off. Everyone walked over and made fun of him.

"THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!! I'M TIRED OF BEING MADE FUN OF!" Neville said. He ran off and into his dorm. "I'll show them! I'll show them all!" He muttered to him self. He pulled out all black make-up, and some weird close.

He painted his nails black, put on black lip stick and heavy eyeliner, and died his hair black and put it in front of his face.

"Neville?" Ron asked. Neville hissed at him. Ron slowly backed away. Then Neville shoved him self into a pair of lime green skinny jeans and struggled to put them on and pt on a black shirt.

"Behold! The new Neville!" He said walking into the common room.

"He's emo!" A voice shrieked. Everyone ran away screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Hey Neville what's up." Harry walked over.

"We are all going to die! So why live?" Neville asked.

"Uh, OK?" Harry walked off. He walked around the castle hissing at people.

"Is he still acting emo?" Hermione asked Emmett who was spying on him.

"Yes." Emmett said.

"How can we make him act normal again?" Hermione asked.

"There is only one person I know who can fix him." Emmett said.

"Who?" Hermione asked.

"This way!" Emmett ran off. A few second later the two were standing in front of Renesmee who was dressed like Invader Zim. (I love that show xD)

"Yes? What is it you need?" Renesmee asked.

"Neville is acting Emo and we need him to act normal." Emmett said.

"Well, if he's acting, that makes him a poser so it should be easy to turn hm normal. Real Emo kids are afraid of rejection so, act nice and sun-shiny to him. that should turn him normal." Renesmee said.

"OK." Emmett said and stood up.

"Oh, ad keep sharp objects away from him." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Don't question me woman, just do it!" Renesmee snapped.

The two recruited basically all the students in the school to hug Neville all at once.

"Hahahaha!" Jasper was laughing loudly.

"What's up with you Jasper?" Emmett asked.

"I gave fat boy a fake knife and now he's trying to cut him self!" Jasper pointed. Neville was thrashing about trying to cut himself.

"Uh, OK, anyway, everyone! Commence operation, SUPER HUG!!!!" Emmett yelled. Out of no ware, all the students ran at Neville and piled on top of him in a hug.

"Hey! what are you doing! NO! NOT LOVE! ANYTHING BUT LOVE!!!" Neville yelled.

"Yes! Feel the love!" Emmett shouted.

"CANNON BALL!" Jasper jumped on top.

After a few minutes Neville stopped yelling and every one got off of him.

"Uh, he's knocked out." A student said.

-----------------------------------

"What did you learn?" Emmett asked Neville as he lay in a hospital bead, virtually all his bones broken.

"That being hugged by hundreds of people hurts?" He said.

"Close enough." Emmett punched him and walked away.

* * *

not my funiest chappie, but plz comment xD no flames


	45. Pirates!

here is an idea I made up while watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2, enjoy xD

* * *

"Emmett! Emmett!" Renesmee ran up to Emmett.

"Yes?" He asked.

"We should start a Pirate Crew! I'll be Captain Nessie and you can be my 1st Mate, Seahaul Cal!" Renesmee said.

"Is Sehaul Cal even a name?" Emmett asked.

"I don't know I made it up. Let's go get our crew!" Renesmee said. They ran off. They found Jacob and recruited him as Underwear-wolf.

"Harry! Hermione! Ron! Join our Pirate Crew!" Renesmee said.

"A pirate crew? Are you mental? We are in the middle of Land and you don't even have a boat." Hermione said. Renesmee pulled out a plank of wood and hit her upside the head, knocking her out.

"No one likes a bitch Hermione." Renesmee said and put the plank back in her pocket.

"How do you fit those things in your pocket?" Jacob asked.

"Shut it Underwear-wolf! Any way, want to join our crew?" Renesmee asked.

"No way." Harry said.

"I do! Can my name be Redhead Dread?" Ron asked.

"Yeah no, that sounds gay. You can be...." Renesmee thought.

"Fire Crotch!" Emmett burst out.

"Yeah! That's your name!" Renesmee said.

"What does that mean?" Ron asked.

"I don't know, you shoot out fire from your crotch? Let's go!" Renesmee and them ran off. They gathered up a bunch of other students.

'"Now! Build my boat!" Renesmee said. She sat down on a lawn chair and sipped ice tea. They took three hours and all they had was a stack of wood .

"Uh.... Captain Nessie, no one knows how to build a boat." Emmett said.

"What? How am I supposed to get a boat?" Renesmee asked.

"We could steal one." Jacob said.

"No, too risky. Emmett, get BumbleBee!" Renesmee said.

"You mean Lumpy Whore?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, the old gay dude." Renesmee said. Dumbledore appeared.

"Yeah?" HE asked.

"Can you poof me a boat?" Renesmee asked.

"With a pool in it?" Emmett chimed in.

"Sure, I'll try." Dumbledore pulled out his wand.

"Abra, Kadabra, ALAKAZAM!" Dumledore said. The wood then went up and formed a boat, a flying boat.

"Wow!" Emmett said.

"Why did you make it fly?" Renesmee asked.

"Boat's fly right?" Dumbledore shrugged.

"Now all we need is Pirate close!" Jacob said.

"Kazam!" Dmbeldore said, everyone had on Pirate close.

"Alright, now all we need to do is....LOOT HOGWARTS!" Renesmee said.

"Yeah! I can't wait to get me hands on some booty!" Emmett said in the back round.

"If we can get in the boat, it's floating 20 feet above the ground!" Ron said.

"Shut if Fire-Crotch." Renesmee said.

To be Continued........

* * *

plz comment, i am almost at 300 reviews xD


	46. Pirate Attack!

y did i spereate the pirate attack in two chappies? idk, because i can.

* * *

"Underwear-wolf, do you know how do drive boat?" Renesmee asked.

"Turn this wheel?" Jacob asked and spun the wheel. They were on the boat and were circling around Hogwarts.

"No, that's the wheel of fortune, wait, what did you win?" Renesmee asked.

"Big money, big money!" Jacob chanted. It landed on a frowny face.

"Aw, nothing." Renesmee tisked.

"NO! HE FORGOT THE POOL!" Emmett yelled in the back round.

"Hey sup, Nessie. Pssshhh, that sound like....the Lockness monster!" Ron swayed and had a bottle in his hands.

"What are you drinking?" Renesmee asked. A student walked over.

"There's bottles of Happy Juice down below!" He said, raising a bottle.

"Crap, it's rum! Who's idea was it to get the crew members drunk?" Renesmee asked. Jacob coughed. "Underwear-wolf? Did you give them rum?" Renesmee asked and held a sword up to his neck.

"Uh....I thought it would be funny?" Jacob asked.

"Gee, sorry, it isnt!" Renesmee said. Ron threw up. "You have to...WALK THE PLANK!!!!!" Renesmee said. Everyone who wasn't drunk tied him up and put him at the edge if a plank.

"Uh, Renesmee if I fall from the height, I could die." Jacob said.

"You should have thought about that before you got the crew members drunk!" Renesmee said.

"But I'm your soul mate! I imprinted upon you!" Jacob said.

"Which is disturbing." Emmett said.

"Yeah! You humped my leg when I was a kid! That's going to scar me forever!" Renesmee yelled. "Anyway, walk the plank!" Renesmee said, followed by cheers of the crew members.

"I can't you guys tied my feet up." Jacob said.

"Oh, can you hop?" Renesmee asked. Jacob shook his head no. "Fine someone push him." Renesmee said. Emmett ran at him eagerly and tackled/pushed him off the edge.

"AHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh.....!" Jacob yelled until it grew faint and then there was a muffled boom.

"I'm OK! Neville cushioned my fall!" Jacob yelled up to them.

"OK, now, to the main event! Let's, LOOT HOGWARTS!" Renesmee yelled.

------------------------------------------------

Hermione and Harry sat in the Common room reading and studying. It was quiet and peaceful. Other students sat on the chairs talking quietly to themselves. Outside in the windows you could see their pirate ship slide quietly into view, you could see the cannons come out..then...BOOM!

"Oh my god!" A student yelled as a cannon ball crashed through the window an exploded against the wall. A few more crashed through and the room looked like a slice of Swiss cheese.

"Ahahahaha!" Renesmee cackled. They moved on. In the great hall some students and teachers were eating snacks. Then, they too were bombarded with cannon balls. Then, the roof was ripped off and Renesmee's boat crashed down, appropriately titled, D's Nuts!!!!!!.

"Fear D's Nuts and the dreaded Pirate Captain, Nessie and her fearsome crew!" Renesmee asked.

"Nessie! When are you going to stop playing pirates? Dinner is in an hour!" Bella yelled down below.

"Later mom!" Renesmee yelled.

"Hey! Why don't you talk like a pirate?!" Someone yelled.

"Because, we are refined Pirates! Now, let us take leave! But we will be back for your booty!" Renesmee yelled and the crew left. Everyone turned to look at Neville Longbottom.

"You herd 'em Longbottom, they are after our booty, and that word is kinda in your name!" Malfoy said. Neville gulped.

------------------------------------------------

The rest of the rest of the day, Renesmee and her crew attacked Hogwarts.

"Harry! We need them to stop attacking us! What should we do?" Hermione asked.

"Make a rival crew and attack and beat her?" Harry asked.

"Yeah! But, who will be our captain?" Hermione asked. Everyone turned to look at Harry.

"Fine, I'll do it." Harry huffed.

-------------------------------------------------

"Fire-Crotch! What do you see?" Renesmee called up to Ron who was using one of those telescope tings.

"For the last time, why can't my name be Redhead-Dread?!" Ron asked.

"Because that sounds gay." Renesmee said. Suddenly, Hilary Duff appeared.

"Uh, do you know what you really mean when you say gay?" She asked. Renesmee looked at her up and down (not in that way). "So, when you say gay, remember what your really saying." She said. Renesmee pulled out a bat, hit it lightly on her shoes, then, wailed it against Hilary Duff's head. Hilary Duff fell to the ground knocked out.

"Some one dump this gay fag off my boat!" Renesmee yelled. A group of crew members grabbed her and threw her of the edge.

"Ow! Oh boy! A hot girl just fell on me! Yay!" Neville yelled.

"Wait! Captain Nessie! I see a boat coming at us!" Ron said.

"Let me see that!" Renesmee grabbed the telescope and looked through it. "Crap! Another Pirate Boat! Not if I can help it! Everyone! Prepare to fight!" Renesmee yelled. Everyone got ready to fight. The rival boat, the one Harry was Captain on slid next to them and opened fire. A giant battle ensued.

"AHHH!!!!!" Harry swung over on a rope. Renesmee grabbed her sword and the two started having a battle. The Duh-duhn-duh-nuh! song from Pirates of the Caribbean played.

"Emmett! Stop playing around and fight! Renesmee yelled.

Emmett put down the Boom Box.

"OK, gosh." He muttered. The Giant battle went on as they fired at one another with the cannon's. Then, Harry over powered Renesmee and held the sword up to her neck.

"Will you stop attacking Hogwarts if we let you live?" Harry asked.

"OK fine, kill joy." Renesmee muttered. They drove the boat into the Forbidden Forest and left back to the castle.

* * *

I had deja vu wile writing this, weird huh? xD

comment, no flames, same old same old


	47. TUHPTCO Movie Trailer! xD

**THIS FALL... ONE GIRL AND HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY WILL GO WERE NO OTHER PERSON HAS GONE BEFORE......**

**Emmett: "Bow to Caesar Mofo!"**

**Renesmee: "Your not the boss of ancient Rome!"**

**Emmett: "I have the Leaf Crown so BOW!"**

**THEY MUST GET HOME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE......**

**Person: "BURN THE WITCH!"**

**Hermione: "AHHH!!!!!"**

**Harry: "Run faster Hermione or they will burn you!"**

**Ron: "These peasant's just made me their king!"**

**THE ULTIMATE HARRY POTTER TWILIGHT CROSS OVER**

**THE MOVIE!!!!!**

**RACE THROUGH TIME!**

**Renesmee: "Wait! How can it be a movie when this is a story?"**

**Narrator: "DON'T QUESTION ME!"**

**THIS FALL!!!!!**

**_*Check Gemini53095's profile for details_  
**


	48. To The Moon

Ok ppl, this chapter is in honor of the anniversary first moon landing which was yesterday.....

oh well

* * *

"Emmett! I have another crazy idea!" Renesmee appeared. Emmett was making a pot holder.

"What? We make one giant pot holder?" Emmett asked.

"No, what are we, 3? Yesterday was the anniversary of the first moon landing so, we are going to build our own ship and go to the moon and put this flag on it." Renesmee pulled out a flag with her face on it.

"How come your face is on it?" Emmett frowned.

"Because I am the President of The United States of Renesmee." She said and put it back in her pocket.

"I'll make the ship!" Emmett pulled out a hammer and nails and went in search of wood.

"Good, I'll go find some people to help." Renesmee left. She saw Jacob on his computer reading. "What 'cha readin'?" Renesmee asked.

"Did you know the number of super old people over 100 has increase in the U.S.A. and Japan? And the number has decreased in Europe?" Jacob said. Renesmee leaned over to see he was reading wikipedia.

"Yeah, don't care. Me and Emmett are going to go to the moon, and we need help." Renesmee said.

"Emmett and I." Jacob corrected.

".....Excuse me?" Renesmee blinked.

"Emmett and I, you said Me and Emmett...." Jacob said. Renesmee pulled out her bat and hit Jacob right in between his legs.

"AHHHH!!!!!!!!!" He yelled rolling on the ground.

"That will teach you to correct me!" Renesmee said and waked off.

"So did you get help?" Emmett asked, he already had a wooden space ship built.

"No, just some pansy ass trying to correct my grammar." Renesmee sniffed. Dumbledore appeared with a flamethrower.

"Ready to launch?" He asked.

"Wait! Our space suites!" Renesmee pulled out from her pocket two hot pink space suits with hearts all over them. Renesmee put on and handed the other one to Emmett.

"Oh boy!" Emmett put it on.

"Renesmee, I don't think it's safe for you to go." Edward appeared.

"Like you care! Your not my father!" Renesmee said.

"No Renesmee... I am your father!" Edward said.

"NO! That's not true! That's impossible!" Renesmee cried.

"Search your feelings Renesmee, you know it to be true." He said.

"Hey, um, are you two done playing Nerds and Geeks yet?" Emmett called, his head sticking out off the space ship's window.

"Uh, yeah." Renesmee ran into the space ship and closed the door.

"Bumblebee! Light us!" Emmett stuck a large firework from the bottom.

"Uh, Emmett, I don't think that's how Space Ship's lift off." Renesmee said.

"Sure it is!" Dumbledore called and lit the firework. With a hiss, the rocket went up and blast in the air.

"AHHH!!!!" Renesmee cried.

"Houston, we have a problem!" Emmett yelled as the two bounced around.

"Who is Houston?????!!!" Renesmee called. The Space ship crashed in the deepest part of the Forbidden forest.

------------------------------------

"Well, they crashed in the Forbidden Forest, we better go get them." Dumbledore put down the Flamethrower.

"Ok." Edward said and the two set out to get them.

-------------------------------------

Renesmee stepped down.

"That's one small step for Renesmee, and one giant leap for Renesmee kind!" She said as she stepped down.

"I don't remember the moon having trees...or oxygen." Emmett looked around.

"Well now it does! come one, I have to put the flag in." Renesmee pulled out the flag with her face on it, walked a few feet and stabbed it into the ground. She stepped backed and saluted it.

"Uh, our spaceship is broken, how do we rebuild it?" Emmett asked. Renesmee spun around in time to see Firenze running toward Emmett.

"Emmett! Watch out!" Renesmee called.

"REVENGE FOR STEALING AWAY MY BELOVED HE-HAW!!!!" He shouted and ran over Emmett. He turned around, and froze. Emmett got up.

"Bring it Pony boy!" Emmett said. The two got in a fight quickly.

"Why is he on the moon?" Renesmee asked herself. Soon, more Centaurs appeared and they saw Renesmee's flag, and turned to her.

"She's trying to take over our forest!" One said to another.

"Moon People!" Renesmee cried as they charged at her. Edward and Dumbledore appeared then riding on a Unicorn.

"Alright! Alright! Break it up!" Dumbledore said. The Centaur's respecting Dumbledore left.

"How did you two get here?" Renesmee asked.

"You aren't on the moon, you are in the Forbidden Forest." Edward said.

"Awwww....." Emmett sighed, Dumbledore patted him on the sholder.

"It's OK." He said.

"Does that mean I have to take my flag down?" Renesmee asked. Edward shrugged. "I'll keep it." Renesmee said. The four got on the back of the unicorn and rode off.

"Hey! I just realized that a Unicorn is a horse with a horn on it's head!" Emmett said as they rode off into the sunset.

* * *

comment plz, no flames xD


	49. Banished!

omg, ppl, this story has the most reviews out of all the hp/twilight cross overs on xD....yes, i search my own story.

and i found out the guy who plays ron got swine flu, isnt that weird? in this story ron got swine flue and the guy who plays him got swine flu...creepy hahahaha! im like god! maybe ill kill of bitchy hermione and emma watson will die! :D lol, jk.

now for the main event!

* * *

"Hey Rosalie, I got to go home." Aphrodite approached Rosalie.

"Awww, it was fun while it lasted though, see ya." Rosalie said.

"Wait!" Emmett yelled. Emmett appeared dressed like a fisher man.

"What?" Aphrodite asked.

"Can we come with you to your mountain?" Emmett asked.

"Sure!" Aphrodite said.

"Shot gun!" Renesmee called.

"YAY!" Edward said. Edward, Renesmee, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Bella decided to go.

"I want to come!" Ron said.

"Why not?" Aphrodite said.

"Are you ment-" Renesmee already hit Hermione upside the head and didn't let her finish. Everyone just stared at Renesmee.

"...What?" She asked.

"Let's go!" Edward said.

----------------------------------------------

The gang arrived at Mt. Olympus.

"Everyone! I'm home!" Aphrodite called.

"Yay! Superficial bitch is back!" Artemis said.

"Haha! That's good one!" Renesmee said. Artemis jumped and looked at her. The Twilight gang and Ron arrived.

"Wowzah! Look at all these beautiful ladies! Can I impregnate you?" Zeus asked Bella. Edward appeared at he side with steam coming out of his ears.

"UGH! Zeus! I'm your wife!" Hera huffed.

"Yeah sure Hermes." Zeus ignored her.

"You guys aren't real! How can you exist!" Emmett freaked out.

"Yeah, god must be having a shit fit right now." Renesmee said.

"Good one!" Artemis agreed.

"WAH!" Hera was crying.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked.

"Zeus ignores me all the time!" She cried.

"Isn't he your brother?" Rosalie asked.

"Yeah and?" Hera asked. Hephestus walked over all deformed.

"I'm their son!" He said.

"Ewwww, inbred." Bella said. An arrow shot by Bella's head and almost hit her.

"What the?" Rosalie jumped.

"Sorry!" Renesmee's voice called. Ron walked over to Artemis who was teaching Renesmee how to shoot an arrow.

"So...single?" Ron asked.

"I'm an eternal virgin." Artemis said over her shoulder. Ron's jaw dropped.

"OK, so...your married to your brother who cheated on you with your sister who is also his sister? And their daughter is married to her uncle?" Bella said. Hera nodded.

"It must be really awkward at Thanksgiving." Rosalie said.

"Everyone is related to each other and banging each other!" Bella said in disgust.

"Doesn't everybody do that?" Hera asked.

"Uh.....no." Bella said.

"What? Are you telling me I can marry who ever I want?!" Hera asked.

"Yeah." Rosalie said.

"HA! Zeus you were wrong! See ya!" Hera hopped on a motor cycle and zoomed away.

"Who was that guy?" Zeus asked looking around.

"I want to go home, this place sucks." Ron said and kicked the ground.

"Sorry, you can't leave." Zeus said.

"Why not?" Ron asked.

"Look at all the pretty ladies! If you leave then they'll want to leave!" Zeus said as an arrow nearly hit him in the head.

"First of all you old perv, they are all married, second of all, they are all VAMPIRES!" Ron said.

"Gasp! Vampires?" Zeus jumped. Ron nodded yes. "I banish you!" Zeus snapped his fingers and the entire gang appeared next to the river Styx.

"Were are we?" Bella looked around.

"Looks like Hell." Emmett said.

"Haha! I was right! Vampire's do go to hell!" Edward said.

"Do you have your money?" A person tugged on his arm. Edward turned to look at him. "Uh, Emmett, Jasper, anyone, do you have money?" Edward asked.

"Sorry, I spent my money on Whoopee-Cushions." Emmett said.

"What did you do with them?" Bella asked.

"Hid them all over the castle." Emmett smiled.

"That explains so much." Ron said.

"No money, you can't cross." The guy said. Emmett walked over and punched the guy hard in the head, knocking him out.

"All aboard!" Emmett jumped on the small boat and grabbed the paddle. The gang all shuffled onto the small boat and Emmett pushed it. They arrived at some creepy looking castle.

"Look at that idiot! He's trying to push that boulder up the mountain, but each time he gets it up, it falls back down! Dumb ass...." Renesmee pointed. They all got off the boat.

"I think we are in the Underworld." Jasper said.

"Good, where is the Devil? I got a score to settle with that son of a bitc-"

"In Ancient Greek mythology, Hades ruled the underworld, not the Devil." Jasper said, cutting off Emmett.

"You mean the dude with blue fire hair from Hercules?" Renesmee asked.

"Yeah him." Jasper said.

"Cool! Let's go! Maybe he can send us back to Hogwarts!" Renesmee said.

"Or maybe he can send you guys home and me to Hogwarts?" Ron asked. Everyone turned to stare at him. "Or not." He sighed. The gang made their way inside the castle after beating up the guards.

"Excuse me, were is Hades?" Edward asked a girl. She pointed up some steps.

"Are you by any chance the girl who has her uncle for a dad and an uncle for a husband?" Bella asked her.

"Oh hell no, she doesn't come here for another three months." The girl said.

"Bella! C'mon!" Edward called. They raced up the stairs and found Hades painting.

"What are ya painting?" Renesmee asked.

"A fruit bowl." Hades said.

"Cool, um, why isn't your hair blue fire?" Renesmee asked.

"......That's some silly incorrect cartoon." Hades said and turned to her.

"Excuse me, can you send us the this Place called Hogwarts? We got sent here by mistake." Bella said.

"Why should I?" Hades asked. Renesmee grabbed the painting and held a lit match to it.

"If you don't I'll burn this!" Renesmee said.

"OK, just don't burn my painting!" Hades said. Emmett looked at it.

"Kinda looks like a firetruck." He said. Edward looked at it.

"From this angle it looks like a foot." He said. Hades snatched the painting away.

"Goodbye, bazam!" Hades said. The gang was sent back to Hogwarts. Neville was skipping, thinking, nothing is going to fall on me today! Then, a portal opened up. Edward, Bella, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Renesmee fell through. Neville jumped back, barley missing them.

"Whoa, that was a close one-" BAM! Ron fell on top of him.

"Oh, hey Neville, thanks for catching my fall." Ron said and stood up.

* * *

comment plz, im almost to 300 reviews xD no flames :P


	50. Renesmee Goes to Hell

thanks everyone for the reviews and suggestions xD ill try to put them in the story, but this is something i made up a while ago but didn't think it would work, its kinda offensive, but thats what makes it funny.

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting down in class taking notes. Renesmee was in the back and sighed.

"Hey, do you guys ever do any um.... black magic?" Renesmee asked.

"No, what do you think we do? Worship the Devil?" Hermione asked.

".........Don't you?" Renesmee asked.

"No, that's a Muggle misconception. Us witches and wizards actually-" Hermione said. Renesmee pulled out a gun and shot Hermione in the face (hahaha!).

"Hey! That's my future wife and child maker!" Ron jumped.

"Oh well. Anyway, do you guys have any evil magic spells?" Renesmee asked.

"Only evil wizards do that." Harry said.

"So it's true!" Renesmee jumped up and laughed. "Do you by any chance, have any books?" Renesmee asked.

"Yeah in the Off Limits Section of the Library." Ron said. Renesmee jumped up and ran t t he library. She ripped the lock off the gates closing off the Off Limits Section.

"Hey you can't do that!" The Librarian said. Renesmee spun around and hit the Librarian in the head with it and knocked her out. Renesmee walked into the section.

"Let's see......" She searched around and randomly pulled out a book and walked off.

--------------------------------------------

Renesmee was in the Griffendor Common room and was making a Pentagram with goat's blood. Emmett walked by, looked at her, then did a double take.

"You gonna finish that goat?" Emmett pointed to the discarded goat.

"Nope, go ahead." Renesmee said and finished the Pentagram. Emmett dove on top off the goat and sucked out the last off the blood. When he was done he popped back up.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Nothing." Renesmee said and pulled the open book next to her.

"OK." Emmett walked off. Renesmee read aloud from the book. The Pentagram glew a strange color, there was a loud explosion, Neville yelling ow, and then the ground ripped open Emmett grabbed onto a rail as everything was being sucked in. "RENESMEE!!! WHAT DID YOU DO!???" He yelled. Renesmee ran up next to him.

"OPENED THE PORTAL TO HELL!" Renesmee said.

"WHY?!" Emmett yelled.

"I WANED TO SEE IF IT WOULD WORK! HA! TAKE THAT ATHEISTS!" Renesmee yelled. Demons flew out of the portal and raced through the castle.

Snape was in his office, drinking some Monster. He placed it down. The Monster moved away from him. He reached over and saw that it had moved.

"What the hell?" He asked and grabbed at it as it moved farther away until it lifted off the ground and crashed into the wall. "Ahhh!" Snape ran out as evil laughter boomed. Neville was walking when suddenly he got a super atomic wedgie.

"OWIE!" He cried racing around. Malfoy laughed his but off watching when his hair caught on fire.

"How is that possible!?" He yelled running around. Rosalie a was in the great hall were a bunch of students were. Out off no ware her close were ripped off revealing that she was wearing sponge bob boxers. Everyone's jaw dropped.

"What?" She asked.

Dumbledore was asleep in his office when his chair was ripped out from under him. He fell on his ass.

"Ow, what the?" He looked around as his little trinkets and the paintings on the wall were thrown around him. Utter chaos erupted around the castle.

Back with Emmett and Renesmee.....

"You have to close the portal!" Emmett said.

"I can't! The book was sucked inside!" Renesmee said.

"Freakin' A!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett, if I die and they decide to put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Renesmee!" Renesmee said and let go off the pipe they were on. She flew back and was sucked into the portal.

"Wait! You are young!" Emmett said. Jasper appeared and Pulled Emmett back and away from the sucking part of the portal.

"Were is Renesmee?" He asked.

"She got sucked down the portal." Emmett said.

Back with Renesmee......

Renesmee landed and appeared inside a giant cave with fire all around and people screaming. There was a large stone pillar in front.

"BEHOLD YOU MORTAL! IT IS I!!!! SATAN!!!!!!!!!" A voice boomed. Fire circled around the Pillar and the Devil appeared.

"Yeah, um, I'm not human." Renesmee said as he spat out fire dramatically and made evil noises.

"Your not?" Satan asked, his talons in the air.

"Nope, I'm half vampire." Renesmee said.

"JESUS CHRIST! GOD DAMMIT! Not again!" Satan cursed.

"Ha-ha, irony." Renesmee said.

"Renesmee! There you are!" Hermione said and ran up.

"You got sent to Hell? Told you." Renesmee laughed.

Meanwhile.......

"FIGHT IT! AHHHH!!!!!" Bella yelled as she was being chased by a demon. The Twilight gang was fighting off the immense demons pouring out off the hole.

"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!" Edward cried as he was being ganged up. Emmett was beating some up with a make shift cross and Jasper was hitting them with the Bible.

Back with Renesmee......

"WAH! WAH!!!!!" The Devil ws sobbing into Renesmee's shoulder while she patted his back.

"Let it all out, it's OK." Renesmee patted his back. Hermione was surrounded by guards and was eying them.

"WAH! A-hic, a-hic, WAH!!!" Satan started to hyperventilate. Ring...ring....

"Uh, your leotard is...buzzing." Renesmee said.

"It's, hic, probably, hic, my, hic, cell phone! WAH!!!!!" Satan cried harder. Renesmee reached into his pocket and pulled it out.

"A Sprint Phone! I knew they were run by evil people! Uh, no offense." Renesmee said.

"None, hic, t-t-taken!" Satan cried.

"You have a text message from Hades." Renesmee said in disbelief. Satan grabbed his cell phone and chucked it into the fire pit and cried again.

"Uh, Renesmee, when are we going to leave?" Hermione whimpered.

Back at Hogwarts..........

"OK, some one has to die to go to heaven and get help." Emmett pulled out a knife. "So, who hasn't sinned?" He looked around at the students.

"Hey don't look at me! I make fun of everyone." Malfoy snapped.

"OK...Harry?" Emmett asked.

"Uhhhh." Harry tried to stall. BAM! The hole in the ground reappeared in front of them. Renesmee jumped out with Hermione.

"See ya!" Renesmee called down the Portal.

"See ya!" A voice called back. All the demons were sucked in and the Portal closed.

"What the hell?" Bella asked.

"Yes...hell indeed." Renesmee said and walked away.

* * *

im going to go to a bad place when I die now, and I'm going to get some calls and complaints......

can ya tell i dont like Hermione? xD

comment plz, and NO FLAMES!


	51. Hermione is a Feminist!

k, thanks fro the nice comment so here is the next chapter :)

* * *

Renesmee walked over to Edward.

"Hi dad, was my birth the happiest day of your life?" Renesmee asked.

"No." Edward said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked, pulling out a piece of wood from her pocket slowly.

"Because, Bella could have died that day, Jacob imprinted upon you, and....I wanted a son." Edward winced.

"Why?" Renesmee hissed, patting the piece of wood.

"I wanted a son to make me proud! To pass on the family name!" Edward jumped on a coffee table and yelled.

"......" Renesmee said.

-----------------------------------------------

Down in the dungeon Harry and Pals were learning Potions. Slughorn was asleep reading Famous People Weekly.

"OW!" Edward's distant voice yelled. There was a crash and a yelp and Emmett's laughter. "AH!" Edward yelled. Harry looked up and around. Slughorn jumped awake.

"Uh, class dismissed I'm going to masterb- I mean read to this magazine." Slughorn said. The class left and the halls filled.

"Harry! Harry!" A voice called. Harry and his friends stopped and looked up. Edward was dangling by is undies from the ceiling and looked beat up for a vampire.

"What happened?" Ron asked.

"Uh, I told Renesmee I really wanted a son." Edward said.

"Maybe you deserve it for being so ignorant!" Hermione snapped.

"Oh calm down, every dad secretly wants a son when he has a daughter." Edward said. Ron and Harry's jaw's dropped. "Right?" Edward added.

"Well, why did you not want a girl?" Harry asked (a crowd was starting to form).

"Because, I was scared. Girls can be so emotional and off the wall and nuts. I mean, she'll be fine now, but once she starts her period, Bam! Daddy issues and she'll be on the pole!" Edward said.

"You know that's a stereotype about girls right?" Ron asked.

"I don't care just get me down!" Edward said.

"No, because you are so, so, so, raciest toward girls, you deserve to stay up there!" Hermione snapped and dragged Harry and Ron away.

"How is that raciest?!" Edward called after her.

"Americans are so stupid." Malfoy said walking by Edward.

"Hey! How about you say that to my face?" Edward kicked and thrashed around trying to get free.

------------------------------------------

Harry, Ron and Hermione saw Renesmee in the Hallway.

"I support your actions to hang that sexist by his underwear!" Hermione said.

"What did I do?" Renesmee asked.

"Didn't you hang your father by his underwear on the ceiling because he told you he wanted a son?" Harry asked

"No, I could care less about that, I hung him by his underwear because he wouldn't give me ice cream." Renesmee said and left.

* * *

thanks for reading again, not my best, but plz still comment xD


	52. Gotta Catch Em All!

since no on e has visited this story like yesterday (300 people visited this story and i got about the same number of hits), today only 23 ppl have, so here is another chappie i wanted to publish tomorrow, but it is necessary!

* * *

Hermione was reading a book. A red and yellow ball was thrown at her. She looked around, shrugged and continued to read. Another ball was thrown at her, then another, and another.

"What?" Hermione jumped up. Emmett raced by dressed as Ash Ketchum from Pokemon.

"Gotta catch em all!" He sang as he ran by, Renesmee was on a leash dressed as picakchu and was being dragged along the way.

"For the last time Emmett! I'm not Pikachu!" Renesmee yelled.

"What the?" Edward said as he walked by.

"Emmett thinks he's Ash Ketchum and is in the world of Pokemon after watching all of the episodes last night." Jacob said.

"But that's not possible, their must be hundreds of episodes and it would take days to watch them all, and the movies." Edward said.

"Why did Emmett just call me Misty?" Bella asked walking over to them.

Meanwhile.....

Snape and Dumbledore were talking.

"Hey Brock and Professor Oak!" Emmett said as he walked by (guess who is who xD). Neville lumbered into Emmett's view

"AH!" Emmett said, his mouth hung open. He whipped out a Pokedex which was actually a piece of cardboard and had Pokedex written on it in black crayon. "A Snorlax! Go Pikachu!" Emmett picked up Renesmee and tossed her at Neville. Renesmee landed a few feet away from him. She ripped off the leash and kicked Neville in his "batteries" then walked away.

"Nice job Pikachu!" Emmett said.

"Shut the hell up fag." Renesmee called as she walked away. Jacob walked by in his wolf form.

"Ah! A rare pokemon!" Emmett said.

"Uh, Emmett?" Edward walked over.

"Hey mom!" Emmett said.

"Uh, Emmett, why do you like Pokemon? Pokemon is for little kids, why don't you obsess over something not lame, and a little cooler?" Edward asked. Emmett thought.

"What are you talking about mom?" He asked.

"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOM!" Edward bellowed.

"Don't worry dad! I'll go get a blunt object to strike him with!" Renesmee said and ran off. She reappeared with Dumbeldore's desk and dropped it on Emmett. Emmett reemerged from the desk.

"DRAGON BALL Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled and flew off.

"......Cool." Renesmee said.

* * *

I know, not my funniest, it was more of a random parody this time xD comment plz, no flames, thnx


	53. Marrige Counseling

ok, barely anyone is visiting the story now T_Tu better or i wont update!

* * *

"FINE THEN!" Edward shouted and walked off.

"GOOD!" Bella roared and left.

"What's wrong with them?" Harry asked Renesmee.

"I don't know." Renesmee shrugged.

"Well, they are your parents. You should know." Harry said.

"ORPHAN!" Renesmee yelled and ran off.

"Why does everyone do that?" Harry cursed and walked off.

-------------

"Rosalie! Rosalie!" Carlisle walked over to Rosalie.

"Yeah?" Rosalie was staring at herself.

"I need your help. Edward is having female problems." Carlisle said.

"......Edward has cramps?" Rosalie asked.

"No! He keeps getting in a fight with Bella. I don't know why. Your a girl, so go help Edward." Carlisle shoved her toward Edward who was sitting on a couch sighing.

-------------

"So, Edward, tell me what you don't like about Bella?" Rosalie was dressed up as a therapist. Edward and Bella sat on the couch tied together.

"Well, she doesn't smell yummy any more, I miss that. And, now that she's a vampire all I want to do is get busy with her, but she's still used to just talking and barely kissing." EDward said.

"Yes, yes." Rosalie wrote it down on her note pad. "Bella, tell me what you don't like about Edward." Rosalie said.

"He never wants to just talk any more." Bella pouted.

"See!" Edward said.

"Yes, yes." Rosalie pulled out a crayon and started to write with it.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked.

"Look! Color by number!" Rosalie turned over to reveal she was coloring the face of a clown.

"ORPHAN!" Renesmee yelled as she ran by.

"Renesmee, come over here!" Bella said. Renesmee froze mid step and walked over.

"Yes?" She asked.

"Which one of your parents do you like the most?" Rosalie asked. Renesmee thought for a moment.

"Neither." She said. Bella's jaw dropped.

"Why? Please tell us Renesmee." Rosalie said.

"Bella, your a whiny bitch, Edward, you let Jacob imprint on me. He'll expect me to hump him when he's older and pop out kids. That is nasty." Renesmee said and walked away.

"Blame Stephenie Meyer for writing that! Not me!" Edward called after her.

"Oh, and he's retarded. He doesn't like vampires, but I'm half vampire. I might join the Vulturi just to get on his nerves and see him cry like a little bitch." Renesmee said. BAM! Aro crashed through the wall.

"You want to join the Vulturi?" He asked eagerly.

"Not now." Renesmee said and walked away.

"Awww....." Aro said and jumped back out the window. The other window crashed open. Emmett ran in, his hair yellow and spiky.

"There you are Bulma!" He said and grabbed Rosalie.

"Who the hell is Bulma?"Rosalie said.

"He's obsessed with Dragon Ball Z now and thinks he's Goku." Edward sighed.

"Hey Emmett!" Rosalie walked by.

"AH! It's Buu!" Emmett said.

"Who?" Renesmee asked.

"SPIRIT BOMB!" Emmett said, threw Dumbledore's desk at her, and flew off.

"I'm, gonna....nighty night." Renesmee fainted.

"Were is my desk?" Dumbeldore's distant voice called.

* * *

thanks for reading, remember to comment T_T if u dont ill cry, do u want that to happen o_O didnt think so


	54. Giant Foot

thanks for commenting xD and yes Violet What-Ever, i am happy now, dont have to be such a bitch :P

i went to go see Ice Age 3 Dawn of the dinosaurs, but a I saw a trailer for Avatar the Last Air Bender xD defiantly going to go see that movie. they also had HP and the Half Blood Prince there, I already saw that movie, but I never seen so many robed nerds at once :O

yes, anyways, plz enjoy the story :)

* * *

Emmett was drinking a soda. Renesmee crept up behind him. She pulled out Dumbledore's desk.

"REVENGE!" Renesmee hit Emmett with his desk and beat him up until Emmett was knocked out. She tossed the desk away and walked off. Tonks ran up and shanked him with her rusty scissors and ran off.

"Gee Tonks, were have you been?" Alice asked with Hermione.

"I was with Lupin!" She said.

"Oh....and?" Alice asked.

"That's it." Tonks shrugged. Ralph the bear walked by.

"I'm sorry, why is anyone even reading this piece of shit fanfiction? It makes no sense, there isn't a plot at all, all it does is make fun of stuff and it's comedy is mediocre at best!" Hermione said.

"Uh Hermione, I wouldn't-" Alice said. A giant foot came out of the sky and squashed Hermione.

"We're...we're FREE!" Harry cheered, took of his shirt and ran off into the forest.

"No! My future baby oven!" Ron cried.

"AHHH!!! THEY KNOW HOW TO WORK THE FLOATING SHIPS!" Harry came running back out of the forest.

"What?" Tonks asked. The flying pirate ships from before came charging out of the forest. The Centaurs were comanding it.

"Now we control Hogwarts!" The Centaur's cackeled.

"He-Haw! I'm coming!!!!!" Firenze jumped out of the ship and charged into the castle.

"He does know that He-Haw was Rosalie?" Alice asked Tonks who shrugged.

"Ahh! Get them!" Harry said. Alice looked at Harry.

"You have a wand that shoots out stuff! Get them!" Alice said.

"I don't want to show them my pee-pee!" Harry said.

"Not that!" Alice roared. Renesmee came charging out with Dumbledore's desk and chucked it at the ship. I just exploded on impact.

"I didn't think it would do that." Renesmee turned to them. The ship charged at them at top speed, just as it was about to collide to the group, the giant foot, with Hermione still stuck to it, squashed them.

"Ow! Splinter!" It boomed as it disappeared, leaving behind a head of wood and the Centuars who ran back into he forest. Firenze ran at top speed with Professor Trelawney at his heels.

"That's for stealing my job!" She shoated after him.

"Why does my desk keep disappearing?!" Dumbledore shouted.

* * *

sorry that was short, i couldnt rly think of anything so i just made it up as i went along, next chapter will be longer hopefully


	55. Cedric is in tune with Nature!

k thanks ppl for reviews and favoring xD im so popular :3 lol, not rly

* * *

Cedric was making out with Cho. Renesmee walked by, froze and looked.

"Get your paws off my dad you skank!" Renesmee ripped Cho off of Cedric and bit her head off then burned her. Cedric watched with an open mouth. "How could you do that dad?Cheat on mom! Shame on you!" Renesmee shook her finger at her.

"Uh, Renesmee I'm not your-"

"Now don't try that, I'm not your father, thing again! I wont fall for it again! No.....not again." Renesmee growled.

"Renesmee, I really a not-"

"Now dad! Let's try some father daughter bonding time. I'm thirsty, so let's go hunting!" Renesmee dragged him into the forbidden forest.

"Renesmee, I am Ced-"

"Sh! Over there! A deer!" Renesmee said and they ducked down into the bush. "A doe, a deer, a female deer...." Renesmee chanted.

"We don't have any guns or other weapons." Cedric said. Renesmee looked at him and burst out laughing.

"Your funny dad. We use our bare hands and teeth, duh. I call DIBS!" Renesmee jumped out of the bush and tackled the fought it until she ripped into it with her fangs and ripped off it's head and let out a barbaric battle cry. Cedric's jaw was hanging open as he cowered. Renesmee walked over to him covered in blood. "You want some?" She asked, her voice ragged.

"No." He squeaked. Renesmee dove back over to the deer and started to suck out it's blood.

"So dad, let's go find you something to eat." Renesmee said, still covered in blood. Renesmee started walking like she was an animal and sniffed the ground.

"What are you doing?" Cedric asked.

"I'm getting in tune with my wild side. Do you fell that?! That's the call of the wild! ARE YOU IN TUNE WITH NATURE YET?!!!!!!!!!" Renesmee yelled.

"Uh, yes?" Cedric said.

"Louder boy! I CAN"T HERE YOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Renesmee bellowed.

"Yes!" Cedric said.

"Louder!" Renesmee yelled.

"YESSSSSSSSS! I'M IN TUNE WITH MY WILD SIDE! AHHHRRRGGGHHHHSSSAHAFKJGHAHGJKASGJFKSGFDNHMS'ALLGOODNHNASMNBAHOMINAHFEFIFIYFOFUMBYESDOGHAJESD!!!!!!!!" Cedric yelled.

Back in the Quidditch Pitch the players practicing were huddled in fear as they herd Cedric's battle cry.

"What is that?" One whimpered. In Dumbeldore's office he was smoking a peace pipe with Jacob and looked up and shrugged then took a puff.

"Now, go get that animal!" Renesmee pointed to the cutest freaking deer on the world.

"AHHHH!!!!" Cedric dove for the deer and started to wrestle it.

"There you are Renesmee." Edward walked over and looked at Renesmee.

"Dad? So if your my real dad, then that means he must be......" Renesmee turned to Cedric who was trying to kill the deer.

"Yeah that's Cedric, my wanna-be-look-a-like." Edward scoffed.

"Run dad, now." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Edward asked.

"Just do it!" Renesmee said and took off.

Renesmee and Edward arrived at the castle.

"Hey, have you seen Cedric?" One of Cedric's friends asked.

"Nope haven't seen him." Renesmee said as the two ran past in a blur. They arrived at the Griffendor's common room.

"Hey Renesmee and Edward, where were you?" Bella asked.

"No ware." Renesmee said.

"But your covered in blood." Bella said.

"....Neville got his period and we had to um....help him." Renesmee said.

"But Neville's a boy." Bella said.

"Shut up woman!" Edward smacked Bella and she fell to the ground unconscious. Edward and Renesmee walked away.

"I smell blood!" Emmett appeared.

* * *

hope you liked it xD in Cedric's battle cry are some random words, who ever guesses them all first will have a guest appearance in the story :D lol


	56. TUHPTCO Movie Sneak Peak :3

**k guys, thanks for being patient xD i just finished the first half of TUHPTCO movie which took three days, *sighs* only five more half's to go xD so, here is a little sneak peak :3**

"Renesmee, why are you dressed as Rambo?" Bella asked.

"Long story." Rensmee said as she pocketed the dead guy's necklace.

"Oooohhh! This is just to good! Tell them they are mother and daughter Rosalie!" Emmett said. Rosalie sighed and filled the crowd in on the happenings. The crowd roared with excitement.

"You guys are the monsters! Look at you! You guys pit innocent people against each other! You even force family to fight! You call this entertainment? Well, this is hypocrisy! You call your selves the greatest country in the world, but, you are all corrupted, evil, idiots!" Renesmee preached. The crowd was quiet and their faces were blank.

"Uh, Renesmee, they don't understand English." Bella said.

"Son of a bit-"

"That was such a moving speech! To bad they didn't understand a word of it! Now, fight!" Emmett yelled and the crowd yelled after words. Renesmee turned to Bella.

"Tough beans mom." Renesmee said and started to shoot at Bella. Bella ran and grabbed a gladiator's shield and spear. She blocked the bullets and charged Renesmee. Renesmee easily dodged Bella's attack. She kicked the back of Bella's head. Bella fell to the ground (_I know she's a vampire and would be more coordinated but just roll with it_) and scrambled to get back up.

"Renesmee! I'm your own mom!" Bella said.

"Yeah, but I have to fix time!" Renesmee said and picked up her shot gun and put away both the pistol and the shot gun.

"What?!" Bella asked.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, you don't know.... I'll just tell dad you fell into a fire pit." Renesmee pulled out a machine gun. Bella got up and smacked Renesmee with the shield and hit her with the butt of the spear. Renesmee fell to the ground unconscious as blood pooled out of her mouth.

"Oh god! What have I done?!!!" Bella fell to her knees sobbing. Renesmee jumped up and kicked Bella in the face. Bella stumbled on her feet as Renesmee punched her in the gut and spun around and kicked her again. Bella fell to the ground. Renesmee pulled out a lit match and held it above Bella then turned to face Emmett.

"DANG!!!! You owned her!!!!" Emmett jumped around excitedly.

"You dumb ass! You have a boner from that!" Rosalie smacked Emmett.

**hope u liked that little sneak peak xD it was hard deciding what to show u and what not to show you, but i like what Rosalie says at the end, boners are hilarious :D**


	57. Show Ball Fight

OMFG guys! this story had passed over 1,000 visitors with over 5,000 hits!!!! xD

i might just publish the movie earlier :3 lol, but in the mean time, plz enjoy the regular chappie's

* * *

Harry woke up. It was a peaceful morning. He turned to the window and drew back the curtains. Out side, it was snowing quietly. Emmett rose like Count Dracula from the coffin he was sleeping in.

"IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!" He bellowed and jumped out the window.

"Snow!" Renesmee was frolicking in it. Soon the whole school was dancing in the snow.

"Watch this." Malfoy picked up a snow ball, his two cronies watching, and tossed it to Harry. Harry ducked then and it hit Emmett in the head. Emmett froze and turned around. All of the students were quiet.

"Who...threw...that?" He growled. Everyone pointed to Malfoy who was cowering in his shoes. Emmett picked up a giant snow ball and chucked it at Malfoy. It hit Malfoy in the head and he somersaulted in the air and fell down to the ground. Emmett was rolling on the floor laughing (he's ROFLing).

"Malfoy! Malfoy! Are you OK?" Pansy Parkinson was at his side.

"Yeah." He said.

"Good! We're going to get married later on, right?" Pansy asked.

"Hell no I'm not marrying your ugly ass!" Malfoy pushed her off him. Another snow ball flew and hit some one.

"SNOW BALL FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Some one yelled. The yard erupted into a snow war. t was every man for himself. Renesmee though on the other hand, recruited several students. They had their hands back, filed with snow balls.

"Ready...fire!" Renesmee said. The snow balls flew and hit several poor students.

Dumbledore was watching from his study.

"Gay." He said.

"I know so juvenile." Hermione said. Dumbledore jumped.

"I thought you were dead!" He said.

"No, the foot couldn't stand my ugly annoying face so he scraped me off of him and tossed me back here." Hermione said.

Soon, almost everyone was on the ground from getting hit. Only two people were left, Renesmee and Neville. Neville coward before her as Renesmee tossed a snow ball in the air. He wet himself. Renesmee looked at him, then burst out laughing. Everyone got up to see why she was laughing and laughed at Neville too.

"I can't help it!" Neville said as everyone laughed at him and started to cry. A figure emerged out of the forest. Everyone stopped to see Cedric all beat up and covered in blood.

"I....got....to...in touch...with nature." He said and fell down.

"Anyone gonna finish him?" Emmett called.

* * *

sorry it wasnt longer, i guess i should have made the fight longer, but i didnt feel like it xD


	58. Math Lesson

omg is a scared! i went to my high school registration today :O that school is giant xD im taking three advanced classes, and one is a senior level class and im a fresh man, and its science, and not the cool science like space, its physics T_T im mad at my old science teacher who was probably like, oh sam ur so smart! im going to sign u up for advanced science which is hard as hell! yay! . and whats even more retarded is that the first day of school is on a Thursday! who the heck does that? lets go to school for two days then there is a weekend???? i can just tell im going to get lost on the first day.

yes, like no one cares, here is the next chapter

* * *

Emmett was meditating and was floating two feet from the ground.

"Whoa! He's two feet off the ground!" Renesmee pointed. Harry was next to her.

"You mean .61 meters?" Harry said. Renesmee slowly turned to him.

"Huh?" She asked.

"You said he was two feet off the ground, which is .61 meters." Harry said.

"...Huh?" She said.

"Everyone except the US uses the Metric System and the Celsius scale for measurements." Harry said.

"That's gay." Renesmee said.

"That the US is behind on the times and uses a inferior method of measurement?" Harry asked.

"No that you guys use a different measurement." Renesmee said.

"How? The Metric system is easier to use, all numbers are-" BAM! Renesmee shot Harry in the leg.

"I didn't ask for a math lesson!" Renesmee said and walked off.

"You can't shoot me! I'm the main character!" Harry yelled.

"Yeah, well, I just did!" Renesmee said and was gone.

"Whoa! She shot you like, three feet above the ankle!" Emmett said.

"You mean, never mind." Harry sighed.

* * *

yes, another short one, that idea just popped in my head. next chapter will be longer. i hope i got the measurement right, i had to bust out my old math notes and calculator to convert the measurement.

im disabled in math xD


	59. Family Fight

thanks for all those comments xD contrary to popular belief, i read the comments, lol. they were all uplifting thanks a bunch :3

* * *

"Renesmee, how old are you?" Carlisle asked Renesmee.

"I don't know." Renesmee said.

"Well, you grow like a dog, so in human years you would be five." Carlisle said.

"She's five?! She looks like she's ten!" Ron said. Renesmee turned around.

"Do I start school now?" Renesmee said excitedly.

"Nope, you were born in our house back in Forks, not at a hospital, and we never told the government of your birth so you don't have a social security number therefore, according to the government, you don't exist." Carlisle said and polished his glasses (to me Carlisle has glasses xD).

"What? So go tell them!" Renesmee said.

"We can't! We're not in the U.S." Carlisle said. Renesmee pulled out a gun.

"Then get us there." Renesmee growled.

"Your car is still broken." Ron said.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, do you think Hagrid could fix it?" Renesmee asked.

"No. He doesn't know anything about car's." Ron said and walked off.

"Greetings commoners." Emmett walked in with a giant powdered wig on.

"What are you wearing?" Carlisle asked.

"Oh, you noticed? Don't you love my sexy hair?" Emmett said. Renesmee shot it and the wig caught on fire. "AH! MY HAIR IS ON FIYAH!" HE screamed and ran out.

"Why?" Carlisle turned to Renesmee.

"I had to shoot something." Renesmee said and walked off.

------------------------

Bella was nitting. Renesmee walked up to her.

"Hey mom, when do I start school?" Renesmee asked.

"Why sweetie? Your still a baby!" Bella said.

"What are you knitting?" Renesmee asked.

"Booties for your little feet!" Bella said.

"Mom. I wear a size five shoe. I am as tall as a ten year old. According to Carlisle I age like a dog, so I'd be five. And technically I don't exist." Renesmee said.

"Like G.I. Joe?" Someone called in the back round.

"But Nessie your still a baby to me!" Bella said.

"God Bella, she's five years-old, cut the umbilical cord." Edward said.

"Shut up Edward, you don't even care about her!" Bella snapped.

"What are you talking about? I helped give birth." Edward said.

"Yes, but, only to make sure I survived, you wanted me to get an abortion, and you let Jacob hump her leg!" Bella said. Jacob walked over.

"I only did that once!" He said.

"You only wanted to give birth to Renesmee because you had stalker dreams about her, and you thought she'd be like a mini-me." Edward said.

"You wanted me to be a boy?" Renesmee's jaw dropped.

"I wanted you to be like a second Edward." Bella winced.

"Ha! If you were a boy then Bella would have humped your leg for looking like Edward!" Jacob cackled.

"Nessie-"

"Shut it! Rosalie is probably a better mom than you." Renesmee said and walked off.

"Hi Renesmee." Hermione walked by. Renesmee shot her in the head and stomped off.

* * *

k, not very long as promised, but oh well.

this will be the last family fight in this "story" between edward and bella, k?


	60. You Killed Kenny!

k ppl, here is a long awaited update to TUHPTCO Movie! i have just finished the second half three days after the first, partly due to laziness and partly due to writers block. i haven't started working on the third half, but im mapping it out :) only three more halves to go! xD

in the mean time, you'll just have to make due with the regular chappies :D was just reading back on this story, and some parts actually made me laugh out loud :O and currently while typing, it is five in the morning, i cant sleep, and im jacked up on red bull.

beware the red bull

* * *

"I'm hungry!" Ron said at breakfast.

"I'M NARUTO!!!!!!!" Emmett said running by.

"Then eat." Hermione said.

"Why do you keep coming back from the dead?" Harry asked.

"Because Satan can't stand my ugly face and god told me he was drunk when he made me." Hermione said.

"BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!" Emmett shouted in the back round. Ron put ketchup on his eggs. Renesmee walked by.

"Ew, putting ketchup on your eggs is like putting....peanut butter on your pancakes!" She said.

"HEY SAKURA-CHAN!!!!!!!" Emmett shouted in the back round.

"Who the hell is she?!" Rosalie yelled.

A giant tentacle came flying out of no ware and smashed into Hermione, killing her.

"Oh my god! They killed Kenny!" Harry said.

"You bastard!" Ron said (i hope i dont get sued for that).

"That's not Kenny." Renesmee said.

"Oh, well, who cares." Ron shrugged.

"Hey guys! I'm OK!" Hermione walked over. Renesmee grabbed Ron's plate full of nasty food and smashed into Hermione's face, then after breaking the plate proceeded to cut Hermione's face.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!!!" Renesmee said. She stood up, covered in blood. "At least Kenny stays dead the rest of the episode and Satan let him stay in hell!" Renesmee said.

"Family Guy is better." Ron sniffed and turned around.

"BELIEVE IT!!!!!" Emmett said as he ran by. Renesmee grabbed him.

"FOR THE LAST TIME! YOU ARE NOT AN ANIME OR MANGA CHARACTER! YOU ARE EMMETT CULLEN! A FICTIONAL CHARACTER MADE UP BY STEPHENIE MEYER IN THE TWILIGHT SERIES! SO BELIEVE THAT!" Renesmee said.

"Shut up Sasuke-teme! I'm going to be Hokage!" Emmett said. Renesmee pulled out Dumbeldore's desk and smashed it upside Emmett's head. Emmett froze for a second.

"......KAGOME!!!!!!!" He shouted and ran off.

"Great, now he thinks he's Inuyasha." Edward said and walked over. Renesmee grabbed the remains of the desk and then hit Emmett again. Emmett got up.

"........Nessie! Oh! And Eddie!" He said.

"Ew! He thinks he's Bella!" Edward said.

"Close enough." Renesmee said and walked off.

* * *

comment plz, im going to go scream into my neighbors trash can now


	61. The Top Ten Dumbest Inventions

idk ware this came from, i guess the after shock of the redbulls.

* * *

Renesmee tacked a piece of paper on the wall and walked out. Harry and Ron walked up to read it.

**RENESMEE CULLEN'S TOP TEN DUMBEST THINGS EVER INVENTED**

**BY NESSIE-POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**10.) The name Nessie-Poo**

**9.)Pubic Hair**

**8.)Hermione Granger**

**7.)Sham-wow, I don't care if it dries you, STFU!**

**6.) The number seven  
**

**5.) The 17th Century**

**4.)Porn you have to pay for**

**3.) The Jonas Brothers**

**2.) Poodles  
**

**aaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddddd**

**1.) This List**

"Wow! I totally agree!" Harry said.

"I don't know, Sham-wow's are really cool." Ron said.

* * *

here r the things that did not make it:

Paris Hilton, Disney, Revolving Doors, No Sex before Marriage (kinda offensive), Tornado's, Twitter, aaaaaaannnnnndddddddd Anyone named Hermione Granger

yes, i know, none of the things listed are inventions


	62. Gamers Nerds

this is what my brother does on halo 3 all the time.

all the time.

* * *

"Ha ha, he's biting his finger." Renesmee was watching you tube.

"IT'S LAGGING!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jacob yelled. Renesmee looked up, and shrugged and started to watch the Yu-gi-oh abridged series.

"Ha-ha! It's so true! Yu-gi-oh is about card games! This is the best Internet parody of a show ever!" Renesmee laughed.

"I KEEP DYING! WHAT THE HELL!" Jacob shouted. Renesmee frowned and started to listen to music.

"IT'S LAGGING! WHO'S ON THE COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!?" Jacob shouted and trudged into Renesmee's room.

"Hey, Cathrine, do I barge into your room?" Renesmee asked.

"Get off the computer!" Jacob said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"I'm trying to play Halo 3 and you keep lagging it! GET OFF!" Jacob said.

"No." Renesmee stated.

"Why?!" Jacob cried like the little bitch he was.

"Because, I was on the computer first, and I don't try to kick you off when your playing your stupid video games." Renesmee said.

"Halo 3 is not stupid! It's THE BEST GAME EVER!" Jacob said.

"It's a stupid sci-fi video game about a ring." Renesmee said.

"No it isn't it's about uh....." Jacob said.

"You don't even know the plot, do you?" Renesmee asked.

"No, but no one pays attention to the plot, everyone only plays it to play Xbox live." Jacob said. Renesmee walked into Jacob's room were an Xbox 360 was hooked up.

"Hey man, were did Wolfboy69 go? We need him to own some noobs!" One guy said. Renesmee picked up the head sets.

"You guys are all losers." She said.

"OMFG!!!! A GIRL!!!!!!!!" One shouted.

"Hey, are you hot wanna feel my pecks? How old are you? Wanna go out?" One guy asked.

"No, I'm not your mom." Renesmee said.

"Oh snap!" One person said.

"Yeah well, I don't want you any way, I can get any girl I want." The guy said.

"Your too busy playing Halo 3 to do that dumb ass." Renesmee said.

"Oooooohhhhhh!" One person said.

"Yeah well.....your fat! And stupid!" The guy said.

"Nice come back Joe Cool, why don't you go outside and get this thing called exercise, or maybe, open this thing called a book. Or maybe do this strange thing called, talk to real people not losers you met on Xbox Live." Renesmee said and pulled to plug on the Xbox.

"AH!!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jacob said. Renesmee picked up the Xbox and tossed it outside through the window.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jacob jumped after it. Snape was walking below. Neville was behind him. Snape looked up and saw the Xbox falling and Jacob falling behind it. He grabbed Neville and shoved him in front of him. The Xbox hit Neville on the head and then Jacob fell down on top of him.

Jacob grabbed the remains of the Xbox.

"Why?!!!!!" He cried.

"NERD!" Someone shouted. Renesmee landed on top of the Xbox and proceed to smash it with an iron baseball bat till it was a hump of metal. She picked some up and hit it like a baseball with the bat. It soared all the way to the Forbidden forest.

"Ow!" Firenze's voice called.

"Uh, Renesmee, I think you might have anger issues." Jacob said. Renesmee spun around to face him with the bat in hand.

"What makes you say that?" Renesmee growled.

"No reason." Jacob squeaked. Renesmee walked off. Jacob turned to see Emmett next to him.

"Don't look at me, you imprinted on her." Emmett said and walked off.

"ORPHAN!" Renesmee yelled and ran away from Harry.

"I'm not going to kill you!" Harry said.

* * *

sorry for all the shouting in this episode, i have nothing against gamers or yu-gi-oh abridged, i was mad because my brother was shouting at me to get off the computer when i was on first and he was playing halo 3. thats all

that last thing was a reference to the movie Orphan i think its about a killer orphan or something


	63. Attack of the Frozen Yogurt Monster!

ok ppl, this story has an over all 20,925 hits, 92 faves, and 55 alerts xD probably more since i checked yesterday. but anyway, never try this.

* * *

Emmett closed the door on a fridge.

"What did you put in there?" A voice asked. Emmett jumped and turned around. Renesmee was in the door way.

"Uh, nothing. Go away." Emmett said.

"Well, Jacob wanted some ice cream." Renesmee said.

"No I didn't, I'm more of sherbet person." Jacob said. Renesmee slowly turned to him.

"We have nothing in common, how can you possibly be my soul mate?" Renesmee said.

"Uh...." Jacob said but Renesmee had already left. Jacob turned back to Emmett but Emmett was gone too. He shrugged. "I hope he has ice cream." He muttered under his breath and opened th e fridge.

"Oh boy oh boy, Renesmee is going to love this!" Emmett walked back into the room. BAM!

"HOLY BEEP ON A BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP DOOR!" Jacob cursed.

"Jacob!" Emmett gasped at the profanities that were so bad that we couldn't show them. A giant pink blob erupted out of the freezer and burst through the wall and door till it was bigger than the castle.

"Emmett! Emmett! YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOUR RUNNING AWAY! HELP! ATTACK OF THE FROZEN YOGURT!!!!" Jacob shouted as the pink blob, giant frozen yogurt, had Jacob in it's claws.

"Wow, would ya look at that." Dumbeldore said from his office as he looked out the window. Emmett ran out side.

"Don't worry buddy! I saw this from Mulan!" Emmett took off his shoe and chucked it at the monster. It just sank into it.

"RAWR!!!" The Monster said.

"What kind of a roar is that?" Renesmee asked, dressed as Gir from Invader Zim (in that green dog thing outfit xD). Emmett jumped.

"Oh, do you have any idea how this happened?" Emmett waved to the Frozen Yogurt monster that was eating the Divination room.

"What are you doing? I predict that you will melt!" Professor Trelawney said.

"hey, we could just wait until he melts!" Ron appeared.

"No you idiot, that will take hours." Renesmee said.

"How do you know?" Ron said.

"I don't know, but I do have a much more entertaining idea." Renesmee smiled.

"Well, then do it." Emmett was sitting down on a lawn chair with a video camera.

"OK, NEVILLE!" Renesmee called.

"Hey, have you seen my wand?" Neville walked over.

"Something just poked me!" Jacob called and pulled out Neville's wand from the monster.

"Neville, are you hungry?" Renesmee asked.

"Yes, I can't wait till lunch!" Neville said and patted his stomach.

"Yeah, look." Renesmee pointed to The Frozen Yogurt Monster. Neville's eyes popped and in his head angels were singing Hallelujah and a gold ring formed around the monster as doves soared away from it. "Now, Neville, do what you do best!" Renesmee said.

"Have people fall on me?" Neville asked.

"No, eat!" Eat like you've never eaten before! Now is your time to be the hero!" Renesmee said.

"What about in the last HP book when I pu-"

"Doesn't count. Go eat that thing." Renesmee shoved Neville toward the monster.

"Hurry up! I'm getting all over Brain Freeze!" Jacob called. Neville pulled out a golden spoon.

"Let's rock." He said and charged at the monster yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Rawr?" The monster turned to him ans Neville started to eat him. "Hey kid, stop, STOP!" The monster said. Neville shoveled giant amounts of the monster into his mouth.

"Look at him eat." Renesmee said.

"I know." Emmett said in shock. Neville bored under the monster until there was nothing left. Renesmee and Emmett walked over. Neville was on his back, his face swollen and full of frozen yogurt and his belly six times its normal size.

"Her's your wand back." Jacob stabbed the wand into the frozen yogurt pouring out of Neville's mouth.

"Gogulam." Neville said.

"Don't talk with your mouth full Neville. Now, let's all go inside and have some frozen yogurt!" Renesmee siad.

"I don't eat food." Emmett said.

"Too bad. I refuse to eat in front of another." Renesmee said as they walked away, leaving Neville behind.

* * *

told u not to make a giant frozen yogurt monster! i know, dumb idea, but oh well


	64. Stop Shooting Everyone!

ok, here is another update to the movie, i have not worked on it in two days yet, im just lazy xD i knowi should work on it but, im just bored with it for now, i cants helps its. im a gemini, we geminis do that xD

sooooooooooooooooooo, read this shit

* * *

Snape was actually teaching, he was upset from the latest post on twitter.

**I'LL STONE UR FLINT : **No one cares what you are doing!

Dumbeldore walked into the room.

"Uh, head master, I'm, actually teaching." Snape said.

"Yes, but, I've read on line what happens in the new Harry Potter movie and I am not happy." Dumbeldore said.

"Why?" Snape asked.

"Kill this bitch!" Dumbeldore shot Snape. Snape fell to the ground.

"What was that for?!" Snape said, grabbing his leg.

"You know! Mr. Halfblood Prince!" Dumbeldore said and ran out crying.

"I think he's been talking to Renesmee more often." Ron said (he was in the class).

"Oh yeah, she solves everything by shooting everyone." Harry said.

"What do I do?" Renesmee asked.

"Uh, nothing." Harry winced. Renesmee pulled back her hand and Harry jumped.

"Ahaha, Got you." Renesmee said and walk off.

"Not to rain on your parade Potter, but I'm, uh, bleeding." Snape said.

"Oh, is it that time of the month?" Harry asked and the class laughed.

"RENES-WHATEVER!" Snape shouted. Renesmee appeared dragging a body bag.

"Yeah?" She asked.

"What's in the bag?" Ron asked.

"Your mother." Renesmee said.

"What! No she isn't!" Ron said.

"Your right, she wouldn't fit." Renesmee said.

"That's what she said." Harry muttered under her breath.

"Yes, that's nice. Renes-whatever, I need you to shoot Potter." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"He said I was on my period." Snape said.

"Are you?" Renesmee asked.

"NO!" Snape roared.

"Oh, do you want me to take the bullet out of your leg?" Renesmee asked.

"No, it feels kinda nice." Snape said.

"That's what she said." Harry muttered.

"SHUT UP POTTER! RENES-WHATEVER, SHOOT HIM!" Snape said.

"OK." Renesmee pulled out her gun and shot Snape in the other leg.

"OWWW!!!!!" Snape howled.

"That's what she sa-"

"Potter, if you keep saying that I'll Rip these legs off and beat you with them!" Snape said.

"oops, I missed." Renesmee said and was trying not to laugh.

"Gee, ya think?" Snape growled. Renesmee shot him in the arm.

"OW! What was that for!?" Snape howled.

"For back sassing me mister!" Renesmee growled.

"But I-"

"CUT THE SASSAFRASS!" Renesmee howled and shot him again in the other arm.

"WHAT THE FU-"

"What's going on?" Carlisle walked in.

"He did it." Renesmee threw the gun at Ron. It hit him in the head and he fell on the ground unconscious. Mr. BananaMan the Bear ran up. Renesmee jumped on the bear and they ran out of the room.

"Are you a doctor?" Snape asked.

"Shut up bitch!" Carlisle shot Snape in his stomach, then shot Hermione in the head and ran off on Ralph the Bear.

* * *

according to wikipedia this story does not exist xD

if this story is posted on any other website be sure to tell me thanks :3


	65. Because I Got High

k ppl, thanks for the reviews :] i thought id never use that smiley face xD

i know this is a few hours late i went to my friends 15th birth day party ans some one poured blue paint on me T_T

i slept in is all im gonna say and i just got up at four in the afternoon

do u know how hard it is to get paint our of hair? hard as hell

* * *

"Hey, are, are, are, are you, like, gonna finish that?" Harry asked Neville at lunch.

"Yeah, what's up with you?" Neville asked.

"You, you, you look like, like, a tree that is um dying of AIDS." Harry said.

"Harry are you OK?" Hermione asked.

"Armchasfsg." Harry started to eat a bunch of food at once.

"Oh there you are." Renesmee walked over.

"Renesmee, explain why Harry is acting so weird." Hermione asked and stood up.

"I got him high." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Do you want to get shot?" Renesmee asked.

"No." Hermione sat back down and ate her food.

"What smells like, my, but crack?" Ron walked over, also high.

"Does the headmaster know?" Neville asked Renesmee.

"Sure, the head cheese knows." Dumbeldore walked over also high.

"Oh great." Hermione said

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione." Dumbeldroe sat across from Hermione.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"You, you are, like smart. I can smell your brain from over here." Dumbeldore said. Harry sat next to him, food spilling out of his mouth.

"Hey, Harry, I luvvvv you." Ron hugged Harry.

"I love you too." Harry hugged back and as he spoke the food spilled out of his mouth. Renesmee sat next to Hermione laughing.

"Were did you get the drugs from?" Hermione asked Renesmee.

"I grow them in my closet." Renesmee said.

"Harry, I'm making you the new Headmaster." Dumbeldore took off his hat and put it on Harry. Ron clapped slowly in the back round.

"Gerd, my first act as headmaster is....I'm hungry." Harry started to eat again.

"Wow, Ron, like." Dumbeldore swayed in his chair.

"What?" Ron asked.

"What?" Dumbeldore said.

"What?" Ron repeated.

"What?" Dumbeldore said.

"What?" Ron asked. They went back in forth until Ron started to play Rock Paper Scissors by himself.

"Hermione. You are a good friend. If I we were in a burning boat, I'd, I'd give you the parachute so you'd survive." Harry said, food all over his face.

"That's deep man." Ron nodded.

"First of all Harry, why would we be in a burning boat? And why would you give me a parachute to survive? You'd dive me the escape boat which would be able to hold both of us." Hermione said. Harry thought for a few moments.

"What?" Harry laughed. Hermione sighed. Renesmee pulled out her gun while she was eating and shot Hermione in the head. Hermione fell to the ground dead.

"Have you eaten these potatoes? They are fabulous." Renesmee said.

"Wow, she was like, Bam." Ron said. Harry thought for a while.

"What?" He asked.

* * *

i know that was short, but i couldn't think of anything, so i just made it up as i went along.

say no to drugs children xD


	66. AH! SUSAN BOYLE! MY EYES!

k some one asked me y i don't like Hermione, the reason y is b/c she is annoying and i don't like Emma Watson, its a long story.....

sorry i did not update yesterday, i didn't feel like it :P

so with out further ado (is that how u spell it?) here is the next chapter

* * *

"Look at all this shit I found!" Renesmee said and placed a bunch of junk in front of Harry and Ron who were in the stair well.

"You shouldn't take that." Ron said.

"Wow Ron, when did you turn into a Hermione?" Renesmee glowered at him Ron bowed his head in shame.

"Hey guys." Thomas Jefferson walked over.

"T-Jeff!" Edward appeared. "Were did you go?" He asked.

"I got lost." T-Jeff said.

"Oh. How?" Edward asked.

"I was cruising' for hot slaves and got lost. All the girls here are ugly as hell!" T-Jeff said.

"You know that's just a stereotype about girl's from Great Britain, most girls aren't ugly." Hermione walked over.

"Oh yeah, explain Susan Boyle." Edward pointed out.

"Who is she?" Ron asked. Renesmee pulled out a picture of Susan Boyle.

"AH! MY EYES! THEY BURN!" Ron hissed and grabbed his bleeding eyes.

"Oh my god Renesmee! But that picture of that beast away!" Harry hissed. Renesmee put the picture away.

"Sadly Hermione, that's you in twenty years." Renesmee said.

"Oh please, no it isn't, that's just one example." Hermione said.

"Oh yeah?" Renesmee pulled out a picture of Stephanie Meyer and J.K. Rowling and put them together. "Edward, which one would you rather cheat on mom with?" Renesmee said.

"Stephanie Meyer. She's younger, prettier, and she's a brunette. I like brunettes." Edward said (he does, he told Bella that after he told her about Tanya liking him :P).

"You could only be saying that because she created you." Hermione said.

"Fine, let's ask T-Jeff." Renesmee turned to T-Jeff. "Which one would you rather have a fling with?" Renesmee asked. T-Jeff thought.

"Neither." He said.

"Why?" Hermione huffed.

"Because white girl, once you go black, you never go back." T-Jeff said and walked off.

"Well, he doesn't count. He's from America, they'd hump a bush if it had boobs." Hermione said. This time Edward pulled out a gun and shot Hermione in the face. Everyone turned to him with their jaw's to the floor.

"What? She got annoying." He said and walked away.

* * *

the thing with Thomas Jefferson about "Cruising for hot slaves" because he supposedly had a bunch of kids with his slaves

no offense to ppl in Britain, ugly and pretty people are all over the world xD

anyway, plz review


	67. Evil Santa

holy bajesus! I just got like the ultimate hate letter from some one who demanded to know y i hate hermione and just made fun of me and was mean and said i wasn't funny T_T and a big jerk and he threatened to kill me. u know u have made it when some one threatens to kill u. xD but plz, dont kill me, i need life to live :3

**and ppl, this is a crack fanfic, stop saying it isnt realistic, grow a sense of humor and laugh, gosh.**

**and the only reason i still update is b/c ppl like it, if no one liked it i would not update, so the day people start to hate this story is the day i discontinue this story. do you want that? huh? I'm almost done with the movie and you dont even want to read it? huh huh huh huh huh? i need a positive review quick people to boost my self esteem. **

f u ppl want me to stop making fun of Hermione then ill pick on edward instead.

* * *

Edward was sitting on a bean-bag chair reading, _Where the Wild Things Are_ (best book ever!). Renesmee walked by. Hermione was studying. Renesmee pulled out a gun and held it up to Hermione's head.

"Kill me and I'll pull a Voldey." Hermione said. Renesmee frowned and turned around then walked over to Edward and held the gun up to his head.

"You can't kill me with that." Edward said.

"Huh, your right, sexual predictor." Renesmee said.

"Were did that come from?" Edward stood up.

"Uh, your like, a bajillion years old and you molested mom when she was 17." Renesmee said.

"Technically, Bella is older than me she is 18 forever." Edward said.

"So she's a cougar?" Renesmee asked.

"She's not a wild animal Renesmee." Edward said.

"Shut up! Your not a real vampire! Real vampire's drink human blood and die when they go into the sun! Not Sparkle! And they are from Transylvania! Your just some fag that quotes Shakespeare!" Renesmee said and shot him. Edward fell to the ground. "Holy crap! I think I just killed my dad!" Renesmee said. Edward jumped up, fine.

"Gotcha!" He said. Renesmee screamed and shot him again then jumped out the window.

"I AM RASPUTIN!!!!" Rasputin yelled and ran by.

-------------------------------------------

"So, Ivan the Terrible, I'll bid two ships, and raise you five." Jasper said. He was playing poker with Ivan the Terrible. Ivan the Terrible looked at his hand, then at how much chips he had. He had none.

"ARRGG!!!" He stood up and threw the desk over. "Where the hell is my wife?!" He yelled as he stomped away.

"Hey, don't be such a bad sport." Jasper yelled after him. Some one stood behind Jasper. Jasper turned around to see Rasputin behind him staring at him.

"Aлло-"

"AHHH!!! EVIL SANTA!!!" Jasper screamed and ran off.

--------------------------------------------

"Damn, look at her head Ivan, it looks like a Chia Pet." Renesmee and Ivan the Terrible were spying on Hermione (I'm sorry, i couldn't resist).

"Какой грамматический определенный член ад быть высшая отметка за классную работу Chia Комнатное животное? Вспомогательный глагол для образования сложных времен ты видеть принадлежащий мне жена? Я = can находить ее , нуль и принадлежащий мне сын и принадлежащий ему жена Я похожий к бить." He said.

".......Yeah, I have no idea what you just said." Renesmee said slowly.

"Some, Evil Santa just tried to rape me!" Rosalie ran in.

"DAMN COMMIES! YOU TRIED TO RAPE MY WIFE!!!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled outside.

"I AM RASPUTIN!!!" Rasputin yelled.

"Russian's aren't communists Emmett." Jasper said.

"Rosalie, move! We are secretly spying on Hermione!" Renesmee shouted to Rosalie. Hermione herd and turned to them. Ivan walked over to Rosalie and sniffed her hair.

"Мочь Я похищать ты?" Ivan said.

"What?" Rosalie asked.

"Why do you always puck on me? What did I ever do to you?!" Hermione started to cry heavily.

"Hey, uh, don't cry, it's alright." Renesmee patted Hermione's shoulder.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!" Hermione cried.

"Делать ты недостаток меня к похищать ее?" Ivan said to Rosalie.

"Seriously Super Evil Santa, no one can understand you." Rosalie said.

Hermione was crying loudly and people were starting to converge upon them.

"Crap." Renesmee looked around and pulled out a baseball bat and hit Hermione across the head, knocking her out. Emmett walked in dragging Rasputin.

"I beat up Evil Santa!" Emmett said, then turned to Ivan the Terrible. "Gasp! Super Evil Santa!" Emmett dropped Rasputin and tackled Ivan.

* * *

i know i wasn't supposed to make fun of hermione, but i couldnt help it, sry plz dont kill me T_T

if you don't know who Rasputin (Evil Santa) and Ivan the Terrible (Super Evil Santa), then you need to watch national geographic and history channel more often :) no more MTV for you

thanks to some of my reviewers who use the word Voldey, thats were i got the word from, the credit goes to them xD

remember, only positive reviews


	68. Montezuma's Revenge

thanks everyone for those positive reviews, i rly needed them :)

* * *

Everyone was at breakfast except the Cullen's who were off doing something. Renesmee walked over with a glass of water.

"Look over there Ron!" Renesmee pointed to some random direction.

"What?" He asked and looked. Renesmee replaced his water with the glass she was carrying. "I didn't see anything." He turned back around but Renesmee was gone. Ron shrugged and drank the water. "Yummy." He said.

---------------------------------

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting down at class. Ron held his stomach and cringed

"What's wrong Ron?" Harry asked.

"Ow, my stomach. I got to go to the bathroom!" Ron jumped up and ran out of the room.

All day Ron ran to the bathroom and took a giant dump.

Ron ran into the girls bathroom on mistake and sat down at the toilet and started to use the bathroom. A girl sat nest then herd Ron fart and she looked around and shrugged.

"Oh yeah." Ron said as he started to uncontrollably poop. The girl cringed and he mouth was open. Then everything was quiet. She shrugged and put the seat down on the toilet. Just as she did Ron started to poop again. The girl screamed and ran out of the room.

----------------------------------

"Renesmee!" Hermione tackled Renesmee as they walked in a hallway. Renesmee shoved Hermione off of her.

"What? You must want to get shot." Renesmee glared.

"Well Renesmee, what did you do to Ron? He wont stop shitting!" Hermione said.

"I gave him a glass of Mexico's water." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Hermione said.

"Because I can." Renesmee snapped.

"How did you get the water?" Harry walked over.

"I know I guy. I meant to give it to Hermione but I didn't feel like walking around the table to where you were sitting. Hope Ron likes Montezuma's Revenge." Renesmee said and walked away.

"Let's take Ron to Carlisle. He's a doctor." Harry said.

"What about Madame Pomfery?" Hermione asked.

"Ew no, she's nasty." Harry said. They dragged Ron away from the toilet to the Cullen's rooms.

"Well, it looks like he has the collywobbles." Carlisle said. He backed away then and Ron threw up.

"What is that?" Hermione asked while Harry was trying not to giggle.

"Well, that's what a person gets after they drink water infested with tiny parasites. Did he drink water from Mexico?" Carlisle asked and backed away as Ron threw up again.

"Yeah. Renesmee gave him it on accident." Harry said.

"Oh. Thought so. Well, most symptoms are stomach cramps, diarrhea, nausea, light-headiness, and fever." Carlisle said.

"Yeah, he's been pooping all day." Hermione said as Ron threw up again.

"Do you know how to cure it?" Harry asked.

"Most cases last only 24-48 hours. But if you don't get him to a hospital to get treated he might die." Carlisle said and walked away.

"No! Ron you can't die! I secretly love you!" Hermione cried and hugged him and Ron threw up on her.

"Let's just take him to Madame Pomfery instead." Harry sad. They dragged Ron down the hall.

"Uh, guys, I have to poop." Ron said.

"Hold it in!" Hermione snapped. Ron couldn't and he just pooped in his pants and it ran down his pants and onto the floor.

"Ooh! Chocolate!" Neville said.

"Well, I can cure him. But how the hell did he drink some water from Mexico?" Madame Pomfery asked.

"Long story." Harry huffed.

"I'm going to go take a shower." Hermione said and walked off.

Renesmee came in.

"So, how is he?" Renesmee asked.

"Horrible! It's your fault he's sick! He might die!" Harry said and was crying.

"Are you crying?" Renesmee asked.

"Yeah! He's my best friend!" Harry said. Renesmee thought for a second.

"Are you gay?" She asked. Harry just cried more. "I'll take that as a yes." Renesmee said and walked off.

* * *

i know, it was nasty, but the idea just popped into my head.

i hope the actor that plays ron doesn't drink any mexican water and get sick b/c i did a chapter when ron gets swine flu and the actor that plays him got swine flu. creepy right?

anyway, comment plz


	69. Return of the Voldeturi, Sort of

i was re-reading through this and i had an idea! xD

* * *

Renesmee and Harry were coloring in a coloring book. Suddenly a jeep smashed through the windowand flew to the ground and skidded to a stop. Aro and Voldemort jumped out.

"Oh shit!" Renesmee jumped up.

"Hey I'm not ready for the ultimate battle yet!" Harry said.

"We just went on the ultimate road trip!" Aro pulled out a poster and unfurled it.

ARO AND VOLDEMORT'S ULTIMATE ROAD TRIP! WATCH AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH A BUNCH OF PLACES AND ARRIVE AT SOME CASTLE YOU'D THINK PEOPLE WOULD HAVE FOUND BY NOW AS WELL AS THAT VILLAGE SO THEY CAN MOLEST THESE TWO KIDS!!!!!!

"Wow, were did you make that at?" Renesmee asked.

"Office Depot." Voldemort said.

"Anyway, now, fear.... THE VOLDETURI! We have returned!!!" Aro said.

"It's just you and baldy." Renesmee said

"Hey!" Voldemort said as Sirius walked by in the back round.

"Oh, I thought you told your death eaters to meet us here." Aro said.

"And your guard was supposed to be here too." Voldemort said.

Back at Volterra Italy......

"PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Demetri yelled. The Volturi and the Death Eaters were having a giant party in the tower.

"Chug, chug, chug!" A group chanted as Jane tried to drink a giant vat of blood. Caius was stuffing his face with cupcakes. A disco ball rotated on the ceiling as people danced and a rock 'n roll song was playing.

"Crowd surf!" Marcus jumped into the crowd as they pushed him along.

Back at Hogwarts........

"They must have forgot." Voldemort said and Aro nodded.

"So, Nessie, I made you a robe." Aro pulled out a robe and held it up. It was Renesmee's size.

"Yeah that's not weird." Renesmee said.

"And Harry, I've made you a coffin." Voldemort pulled out a coffin the size of Harry.

"....." Harry blinked as James walked by in the back round.

"Get 'em Harold!" Renesmee said. Harold the Dragon burst through the wall and attacked Aro and Voldemort.

"Ah! Fire! RUN!" Aro jumped into the jeep and floored it out of the window again.

"You forgot me!" Voldemort yelled and ran after him.

"Good boy." Renesmee patted Harold the Dragon, then he left.

"Wow." Lily walked up with ice cream.

"Mom?" Harry gasped. Lily froze, then flew off.

* * *

i couldn't think of a way to end it xD

comment plz


	70. I have been to Canada and back!

k, i got this idea from reading some ones profile that favorited one of my other stories.

please (omg! plz) read

* * *

"Have you seen Renesmee?" Rosalie walked over.

"No. Why? Your not her mother." Carlisle said.

"Well I should be, if I was she'd behave more." Rosalie said.

"What are you trying to say?" Bella asked. Rosalie jumped, she did not know Bella was sitting there.

"Uh, nothing. How old are you again?" Rosalie asked.

"18." Bella said.

"Figures. You were too young. Everyone knows you should have children in your 30's when you are more mature." Rosalie said.

"Well, how old are you?" Bella asked.

"That does not matter." Rosalie scoffed. Just then, Renesmee crashed through the wall riding a giant moose.

"You will never believe were I was!" Renesmee said.

"Narnia?" Carlisle asked.

"No. Better! I was in.....CANADA!!!!!!!!" Renesmee said.

"Big whoop. Canada sucks." Rosalie crossed her arms.

"Does not. I brought back tons of stuff!" Renesmee said.

"Renesmee, why and how were you in Canada?" Bella asked.

"That does not matter!" Renesmee said. "Now, I have here in my pockets, a leaf!" Renesmee pulled out a leaf as she said so. "I also have, Maple Syrup, this moose, a snow man, Canadian bacon, the word eh, and the Canadian Stereotype!" Renesmee said. She pulled out a white wolf, A bucket of Maple Syrup, a small half melted snow man, a piece of Canadian bacon which was just fancy ham, a piece of paper with the word eh written onto it, and a Canadian Person.

"This is going straight onto my pancakes!" Sirius walked over and picked up the bucket then left.

"Ha-ha, I spit in that." Renesmee said when he was out of ear shot.

"How do you fit these things into your pocket?" Bella asked.

"Oh, my god! Air!" The person started to gasp for air.

"I have no idea." Renesmee said, the moose yawned. Just then Jacob in his wolf form walked by. He paused and looked at the White Wolf which turned out to be a girl wolf. They locked eyes and hearts bloomed around them and the Titanic Song by Celine Deon started to play in the back round.

"Emmett, turn your ipod down." Renesmee snapped.

"Sorry." Emmett said.

Jacob and The White Wold walked toward each other, sniffed each other, then ran off together.

"There goes my soul mate, maybe I should join the Volturi." Renesmee said. Aro burst through the window then, rolled to his feat and held up the cloak he made for her.

"Huh?" He asked eagerly and pointed to it.

"False alarm." Renesmee said.

"Huh." Aro said disappointed then jumped back out the window.

Ivan the Terrible and T-Jeff walked by then skipping.

* * *

ok, I'm not sure I spelled Celine Deon's name right, oh well, i'll just google it.

no offense to Canadians, some one complained (i think, i couldn't understand their wording) if it makes you feel better ill do a spoof about Americans since i know so many xD

please comment, no flames


	71. Lilith Vs Eve

k, we have officially passed into the 300 review mark! xD i promised earlier when i did get 300 reviews I'd do a spoof of the movie 300, but i also promised in the other chapter that I'd do a spoof about Americans, but I have this other story idea i came up with while watching this special on the history channel.

* * *

Harry and Pals were all studying for tests. Hermione was practically buried into the book she was reading and Ron was drawling in his. Harry was reading. He was expecting Renesmee to come run in and tell them about some crazy situation she got herself in. Nothing. The Cullen's were all out in the Forbidden Forest hunting. The wolf, Jacob was currently off running around with the wolf Renesmee brought back from Canada.

"Hey Hermione do you-"

"WHAT!!!!!!????????" Hermione interrupted Ron and shrieked at the top of her lungs.

"Never mind." Ron squeaked.

"Are you going to take that?" A voice said. Ron turned around to see a naked man with a leaf covering his private standing behind him.

"Uh, who are you and why are you naked?" Ron asked.

"My name is Adam...... and this is my smokin' hot rib." Adam said and Eve appeared and the two started to make out. Harry and Hermione were watching.

"We're back!" Emmett and Renesmee burst through the portrait hole.

"Why are there half naked people making out in the middle of the room?" Renesmee asked.

"Renesmee, Emmett, this is Adam and his Rib." Ron said.

"Adam and Eve?" Emmett blinked. Edward and Bella walked in.

"Mom! Dad! You two are like a modern day Adam and Eve is Eve was a giant piece of fruit because they weren't supposed to eat the fruit from some tree, and Bella was a human and it was forbidden to love a human!" Renesmee blinked.

"No dip. You got that from Stephanie Meyer's website." Edward said.

"So, does this mean that Evolutionism is wrong and Creationism is correct?" Ron asked and Hermione shrugged. Harry was staring at Adam and Eve making out.

Suddenly there was a poof of smoke and a blond girl appeared in a short blue dress.

"ADAM!" She shouted. Adam jumped.

"Oh shit! My ex!" He said and hid behind Emmett.

"Wait, back up mister, you have an EX?!" Bella said, shocked.

(This is just a theory, some lost pages banned from the bible have been found saying Adam had a first wife, and some think this b/c in the bible it says god made man and woman, then it repeats itself by saying god made woman from Adam's rib)

"That's right! I'm his ex! One day we were getting our freak on, and he was on top. I wanted to be on top, but he said no because he is superior to me, but I said he wasn't since we were made from the same earth so there fore we are equals. He still didn't agree with me so I flew away." Lilith said proudly.

"You can fly?!" Ron gasped.

"Of coarse stupid male. I decided to get back at Adam by killing all babies that are descended from him and Eve." Liltih said smugly. "But, I'm lonely, Adam, don't you want your first back?" Lilith asked in a playful tone.

"Oh hell naw, bitch! That's my man!" Eve said and tackled Lilith then started to wail on her. Lilith kicked her off of her. Eve got on her feet and so did Lilith.

"Bring it Evee." Lilith said (that's not a spelling error, it's a pokemon xD).

"It's already bring blondie." Eve growled and lunged at her. The two started to fight.

"Go Lilith! Show men woman are just as good as men! If not better!" Hermione said. Renesmee looked at her.

"What are you talking about? Lilith kills babies! So feminist's support the death of babies?" Renesmee glared.

"No we-"

"Shut it and make my dinner!" Ron snapped.

"So, who would you choose?" Emmett asked Adam.

"Eve duh. She's a good listener, she's my smokin' rib, I like her dark hair, I see her naked all the time, she gives me delicious fruit to eat, and Lilith is a syco! She eats babies!" Adam said.

"Huh. Crazy bitch." Emmett said.

"And plus, Adam and Eve has more of a ring to it than Adam and Lilith. 'Omg, Adam and Lilith make a good pair!' That's like, a giant chunky turd falling out of your butt. But, 'Omg, Adam and Eve make a good pair!' Now that rolls off the tongue." Adam said. Emmett scooted away from Adam.

Lilith then went flying into the wall as Eve threw her. Then Eve walked over to Adam and the two made out again. Lilith peeled her self out from the wall.

"I will return Eve! I'm off now, to kill more babies!" She said and disappeared in a poof of smoke. Rasputin walked up to Adam and Eve and took a picture.

"Ah! Evil Santa is back!" Emmett said and tackled Rasputin.

* * *

k, no offense to anything in this that was offensive to someone

i know three adam's, but strangely no eve's

plz comment, no flames


	72. Freddy, Jason, Michal Myers, Oh my!

OK, something was brought to my attention by one of the reviewers that must be addressed! xD

and plus i was watching the original (the best one) Friday the 13th and I just had to do a spoof b/c i also love horror/teen slasher flics even though all the teens do is get freaky then the guy comes and kills them all, that's what makes them so stereotypically delicious! :3

a/n: sry for the late update, i didnt feel like updating until now

* * *

Renesmee and Harry were playing checkers.

"So, Harry, who do you like?" Renesmee asked.

"I guess Ginny, even though there is no explanation to how or why I fell in love with her in the book." Harry said (rly, how the hell did he fall in love with her?).

"Oh. OK?" Renesmee asked.

"So, how about you?" Harry asked.

"I guess Jacob Black even though he loves my mom too and forced/rape kissed her and he's way older than me." Renesmee said.

"Wait, Jacob _Black_?!" Harry put emphasis on the last name.

"Yeah, that's his last name." Renesmee said.

"Omg! Sirius' last name is Black too!" Harry said.

"Is Sirius that guy in a grocery scooter that calls every girl hot mama?" Renesmee asked.

"Yeah. Why?" Harry asked.

"That's weird. JACOB!" Renesmee called. Jacob appeared in his human form.

"What?" Jacob asked. Sirius scooted over.

"Hey hot mama." He said to Rosalie as she walked by.

"Sirius, why are you here?" Harry asked.

"I sneezed and followed the path here." Siruis said.

"Shut it, Sirius, Jacob, what are your last names?" Renesmee asked.

"Black." The both said at the same time. They jumped and looked at each other.

"And you two can also turn into wolves." Renesmee added.

"Wait....father?" Jacob gasped.

"Son?" Sirius gasped.

"It is you! My real dad!" Jacob started to cry.

"Come to papa son!" Sirius started to cry. Jacob jumped into the basket on the scooter and zoomed off.

"Weird." Renesmee said. Harry was crying. "What's up with you queer-o-sexual?" Renesmee asked.

"Cough, Family Guy, Cough." Rosalie said as she walked by.

"I'm, hic, his god-d, hic, son!" Harry cried and collapsed toward Renesmee thinking she would catch him. Instead, Renesmee let him fall to the ground. Renesmee shrugged and walked away.

--------------Meanwhile---------------

Emmett was in the bathroom writing on the wall. _HERMIONE IS A SLUT! _There was a whole thread of messages from people and it looked like a chat room of sorts (if u are a girl reading this and attend a public school and sometimes use the bathroom there you'll understand this xD).

Chi-chi-chi-ah-ah-ah. A voice said. Emmett looked up and shrugged then continued to write. The door opened and Jason (from Friday the 13th :3) walked in and looked around. Emmett got up and threw the door open. Jason looked at him.

"Sup." Emmett said and walked past him. Jason raised his machete and stabbed him. Emmett looked down at the stab wound and simply pulled out the weapon. "Dude, what was that for?" Emmett asked. Jason scratched his head and shrugged. Emmett nodded and walked off.

_-_-_-_-_-new bar!_-_-_-_-_-

Bella was walking down the hall way. Jason jumped out from behind a suite of armor and raised his machete. Bella looked at him.

"What?" She asked. Chi-chi-chi-ah-ah-ah. A voice said. "Turn off your ipod Jasper!" Bella snapped.

"Fine, sheesh." Jasper muttered.

"So, what do you want?" Bella asked. Renesmee walked over.

"Mom, I'm bored." Renesmee said. Jason froze then looked at Bella and Renesmee.

"My m-mom was killed!" He said. Renesmee's jaw dropped.

"Holy crap! Your mask! Are you from Canada?" Renesmee asked, poking his hockey mask.

"Your a failure!" The Collector (he's a new killer) jumped out.

"Shut it newbie!" Jason said.

"I'm better than all of you." Scream scoffed.

"Hey, it isn't Halloween jack ass, take the mask off!" Jason said.

"Oh ha-ha." Scream rolled his eyes under his mask.

"You are all losers. Everyone knows I'm the best." Michael Myers appeared and nodded.

"Am not!" Freddy said.

"My movies are being re-made, I even have a sequel out, unlike you, Jason, they only re-made one of your movies." Michael Myers said.

"Shut up Austin Powers!" Jason said.

"That was one time!" Michael Myers raised his knife.

"What about me?" The House of Wax guy asked in the back round.

"Or me?" Hookman asked afterward.

"You guys only have one movie!" Scream said.

"Do not! I have two!" Hookman said.

"Your from the 90's! It doesn't count!" Scream said.

"So are you!" Hookman said.

"You all will rot in hell, maggots will feast on your corpse!"It said (that's his name, It, scariest one out of them all! He's a Killer Clown that eats little kids! D:)

"Omg, who invited him?! He's so scary!" Jason whimpered.

"Yo what up." The Candy Man appeared (he's black xD)

"Ah!" Freddy jumped back.

Renesmee and Bella exchanged glances.

"You are all foolish. Nothing is stronger than....JEEPERS CREEPERS!" The Jeapers Creeper Guy appeared.

"OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!" It screamed and jumped into the arms of Renesmee. "Oh, hello little girl. I'm a clown." He smiled to her.

"Try to kill me and I'll shoot you in the face." Renesmee said and It's eyes grew wide.

"Oh, sorry Jeepers Creepers, we'll just leave." Michael Myers said, scared. Jeepers Creepers slapped him hard across the face.

"Don't be such a little bitch!" He said.

Edward walked over.

"Bella, why are there Horror Characters here?" Edward asked.

"Hey, don't forget us!" The Strangers from the move, The Strangers, appeared.

"Shut it, your movie sucked balls." House of Wax guy said.

"Your one to talk. Paris Hilton was in your movie." One of them said and pointed at him.

"Shut up, It's OK wax wife. Our movie was awesome." House of Wax Guy said and pulled out a wax doll and stroked her hair. Renesmee looked at the doll. Her eyes moved to her.

"Kill me!" A muffled voice said.

"Hey guys." My Bloddy Valentine 3D guy appeared.

"Oh hell no, your movie was worse!" The Collector said.

"OK, so how did you guys get here?" Renesmee interrupted.

"We were summoned by some guy named Voldertort." Jeepers Creepers said. There was a loud bang.

"MWHAHAAHAHA!" Voldemort appeared. Everyone turned to him. "Now that all off the best and well known teen slasher flics characters have all killed you I-" He froze and looked at them. "GOD DAMMIT! Not again! First Zombies don't work, and now all the Teen Slashers characters don't work!" Voldemort said and kicked the ground.

"Yo, cracker, I only got one line!" Candyman said in the back round.

"Make them go back to their movies, now." Renesmee said. Voldemort paused.

"No! I'll unleash them on the world!" Voldemort laughed.

"I was having a really nice dream when some dude appeared and tried to rape me!" Hermione appeared.

"Sorry." Freddy said.

"If you don't Voldemort, I'll burn all your cupcakes!" Renesmee said.

"You wouldn't." Voldemort said.

"Watch me." Renesmee growled.

"OK! OK! Anything but the cupcakes!" Voldemort said. He snapped and all the horror flic characters disappeared except The Strangers.

"Hey, why didn't they go away?" Bella pointed at them.

"Technically, we are more of a Terror Genre." The guy one said. Renesmee then shot them all the the forehead with a shot gun.

"Well, there goes their sequel." Renesmee said and put it away. She turned back around to beat Voldemort into a pulp, but he was gone.

* * *

here are the characters in this and the movies they are in:

House of Wax Dude : The House of Wax

Michael Myers: Halloween (duh)

Freddy : Nightmare on Elm Street

Jason : Friday the 13th (duh)

The Strangers : The Strangers (who would of thought?!)

The Collector : The Collector

Jeepers Creepers : Jeepers Creepers

Hookman: I know What You Did Last Summer

Scream : Scream

Candyman : Candyman

It: It (xD if u watch that movie, you will have nightmares of clown eating you and you will never look at clowns the same)

My Bloody Valentine 3D Guy: My Bloody Valentine 3D (don't watch that movie, its a piece of shit)

I just realized I should have had Freddy and Jason fight xD


	73. TUHPTCO Movie Sneak Peak 2 :3

**OK everyone, if you expected a rly long chapter, sorry, this is another sneak peak at the "movie" , and the last one**

They made it to the Pyramids and walked around it to were a bunch of Egyptians were.

"Hey do you know were the river is? These humans are about to die." Amerina picked up Ron who was almost past out and dropped him. The Egyptian's looked at them with gaping mouth's.

"For Christ's sake." Renesmee ripped Rosalie's close off again and let her sparkle brightly. "She's a 'effing goddess, now take us to the pharaoh." Renesmee said.

"Hey! No wait, maybe I can work on my tan." Rosalie flipped her hair.

"Ooh, maybe we can see Joseph and his coat of many colors!" Jasper said.

"Shut up Jasper, we're going to go see Yugi playing card games." Edward said matter-of-factly.

"Both of you, shut the fuck up." Dumbeldore slapped them across the head.

"Ow, what was that for?" Edward and Jasper rubbed their heads. By now the Egyptians were bowing to them.

"Ha, wait 'till I tell them what Egypt is like in our time." Renesmee whispered to Amerina. After Edward translated that they wanted to see the Pharaoh, they took the group to the city. They went to the palace and Rosalie was getting dressed up.

"Hurry up Rosalie! I do not want to get stuck in Ancient Egypt!" Amerina said.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Emmett asked.

"Is no one here afraid of mummies?!" Amerina threw up her hands.

**K, what I wanted to show you was too long and revealed to much of thy plot, and yes, it has a real plot :P**

**so plz comment on it  
**


	74. Go Fish! Your Mother!

k, sorry for the late update, i couldn't saturday b/c i was lazy, and i couldnt sunday b/c i had to go to my little sister's bday party. in this one of my characters i made up in a different fanfic, Amerina, is modeled after my little sister, she has blond hair and blue eyes and is around the age of seven b/c she is an immortal child. i actually did that without knowing it xD

so, like you care or are reading this, here is the story:

* * *

Renesmee walked by Emmett, then froze, and turned to him.

"Emmett, why are you on a horse?" She asked.

"Because, I want to be a professional horse racer!" He said while trying to put on a helmet.

"Oh, so your not going to kill the horse?" Renesmee pouted.

"Nope. Why?" Emmett asked.

"No reason." Renesmee did the moon walk away.

----------------

T-Jeff and Rasputin were playing Go Fish together.

"Ha, go fish." T-Jeff said. Rasputin narrowed his eyes at him, then stood up and flipped the table over.

"YOU GO FISH! FOR YOUR MOTHER!" He said and ran off. T-Jeff looked at the mess, shrugged, and left. Ivan the Terrible walked by and tripped on the table. He jumped up and in a rage started to beat the table with his scepter.

--random---

"OK boy, let's go!" Emmett said and kicked the horse.

"Neigh!" The horse bucked in the air, then took off at full speed. Amerina walked by, with a necklace around her neck. The Horse, Sugar Lumps (ew), charged at her. Amerina turned then to look at it.

"WHAT THE FU-" The Horse ran her over and smashed her necklace to bits. The horse then charged into the tree and flung Emmett off of him. Emmett hit the window to Dumbeldore's office. Dumbeldore was sipping tea and reading Instinct Magazine (it's a gay magazine xD). He looked up, and shrugged, then turned the page. Emmett slid down the window, then fell to the ground.

Amerina stumbled to her feet.

"Son of a bitch!" She cursed at the broken necklace and left.

"Emmett! Emmett! Are you OK?" Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran over to him. They had been walking over to the Quidditch Pitch (by the way, how long has it been since they played a game in this story?) and had watched him. Sugar Lumps the Horse trotted over. Emmett opened his eyes and jumped up, then ripped off his shirt and pants to reveal his tidy-whites and suddenly had on a red cape.

"THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled like they did in the movie 300.

"No it isn't!" Some one yelled back.

"We really need to find out who keeps yelling those things." Renesmee walked over.

"SPARTANS! WHAT IS YOUR DUTY?!!!!!!!!!!" Emmett shouted. Renesmee pulled out a frying pan and hit it lightly against her shoes like baseball players do to their bats.

"What is he talking about?" Ron asked. Renesmee lifted the frying pan up, then hit Emmett hard on the back of his head with it. Emmett spun around and fell to the ground.

"There, problem solved. Let's go Sugar Lumps." Renesmee said and led the horse away.

"Omg, how did he get a horsie?!" Harry jumped up and ran after her.

* * *

there was the 300 spoof I said I'd do if I got 300 reviews, it wasn't really a spoof, more of a reference.

anyway, plz comment


	75. Edward and Ivan's Trip to Amsterdam

OK, so, I only have two more days of summer vacation left T_T i'm not ready to start high school yet, I don't even have any school supplies! :D what? I don't feel like going to wal-mart b/c of all those fat nasty soccer moms....ew

* * *

"Ha! I just used the Yakuza cheat and now everyone is Japanese!" Emmett was playing Grand Theft Auto on his PSP.

"That's dumb. If you want to see some Yakuza members, come with me next time to Japan. I'm on their hit list." Tonks said.

"Why?" Emmett asked.

"No reason." Tonks said and slowly walked away.

"Hey Super Evil Santa! Guess what?" Edward ran up to Ivan the Terrible.

"What?" Ivan held up a flash card for learning English.

"I went to Amsterdam." Edward said. Ivan paused and shifted through the cards.

"So?" He held up.

"Guess what's legal in Amsterdam." Edward said.

"What?" Ivan held the other card back up.

"Well, let's see, drugs, prostitution, you name it, any thing!" Edward said. Ivan's jaw dropped. "Yeah, it's like Collage Students on Crack!" Edward said.

"Hey, have you seen that one movie that takes place in Amsterdam?" Bella walked over.

"Duece Bigalow European Gigolo?" Edward asked.

"No dumb ass, that one movie were the two teens go to Amsterdam and they are kidnapped and killed for money." Bella said (I forgot the title to that movie).

"Yeah, don't care. Let's go Super Evil Santa!" Edward grabbed Ivan and ran off.

"Die Jap, die!" Emmett said in the back round.

-----------In Amsterdam Two Days Later---------------

"Oh shit, oh shit!" Ivan gasped. A prostitute was dead on the ground.

"Man, what the hell?!" Edward was jacked up on weed.

"I didn't mean to! She just, um, fell." Ivan said.

"Man, Super Evil Santa, when did you learn English?" Edward started to laugh. Ivan took the Prostitute and shoved her out the window.

A Van crashed through the side of the apartment they were in.

"Let's go! Let's go! Time to die!" A man jumped out and grabbed the two.

"Oh shit! Bella was right!" Edward said as they were thrown into the back.

-----------Three Days Later----------

"That's right faggots! EDWARD RULES!" Edward started to shoot the roof of the warehouse they were in with a shot gun.

The kidnappers that took them were all tied up.

------------Five Hours Later---------

"Party!" Ivan shouted. They were having a wild rave like party with the kidnappers and the other ones kidnapped.

------------One Hour Later-----------

Edward and Ivan were tied up.

"Wow you guys are good." Edward said.

-------------One Day Later-----------

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THIS BUSS!" Ivan shouted. The passengers in the buss all screamed. The Buss driver was unconscious on the ground.

"Oh crap!" Edward screamed.

"But, good news! I just saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico." Ivan said. The buss crashed then into a building.

------------Five Minutes Later-------

"Why?! He had so much more to live for!!!" Edward was crying over a dead and burning body.

"I'm right here." Ivan walked over.

"Oh." Edward said.

-----------Two Hours Later-----------

"Say my name one more time bitch!" The officer slapped Edward across the face.

"What?" Edward asked.

"Say what again! I dare you! Say what again!" The officer yelled.

"What?" Edward asked. Edward and Ivan were hand cuffed in an interrogation room.

----------Ten Minuets Later----------

"Cut the blue wire!" Ivan yelled. Edward and Ivan were trying to diffuse a bomb.

"They're all blue!" Edward cried.

---------Five Seconds Later----------

The Police Station blew up, Edward and Ivan ran away, dragging the officers as they went.

--------Twelve Hours Later----------

"The Plane is going to crash!" Ivan yelled. They were on a small plane to London.

"Get ready to jump!" Edward shouted above the roar of the plane diving down to the sea.

"What?!" Ivan yelled.

"I said jump bitch!" Edward shoved Ivan out the plane then jumped out after him.

-----------One Day Later----------

"Tea?" A waitress asked. Edward and Ivan were in a restaurant. Quiet music was softly playing in the back round.

"Why thank you." Ivan held out his glass. Edward was sucking the blood of a goat.

"I'm good." He said.

----------Two Days Later----------

Edward and Ivan were in a small Taxi to Scotland. Ivan sneezed.

"Bless you." Edward said.

--------A Few Hours Later--------

Edward and Ivan burst through the door to Hogwarts.

"Hey Edward, how was your trip?" Bella asked.

"Awesome." Edward said.

"I'm going to go lay down." Ivan fell down asleep.

* * *

I want to go on a vacation with Edward and Ivan xD

plz comment


	76. The Joker

k, some dumb bitch said this story sucked. for the last time ppl, this is a crack fanfic, what the hell did you suspect? freakin mark twain? I swear, if I keep getting whiny reviews from dumb whores all the time im gonna go on a mass murder spree, god dammit

lol, anyway i had to get my anger out, heres is the next chapter

* * *

Ron was drawing Hermione on his piece of paper with big boobs and nice hair and a better face.

"What are you doing?" Jasper asked.

"What are you doing?" Ron asked.

"What do you mean?" Jasper crossed his arms.

"Well, usually your like, not even in this. Your less than a minor character." Ron said.

"Shut the f-" Jasper paused, "and?" He finished.

"Yeah, anyway, I'm just doodling." Ron said.

"Is that a toilet?" Jasper asked.

"No!" Ron said.

"What about a pile of poo?" Jasper asked.

"It's um, my drawing of um, Hermione." Ron said.

"Oh, you made her look way better." Jasper said.

"Uh, thanks?" Ron cringed.

"You sound scared, is it the hair?" Jasper asked.

"What?" Ron asked.

"My father was a hair stylist. One night he came home more frisky than usual. My mom grabbed the comb to defend herself and my father didn't like that so he poured hair gel all over her. Then he came at me with the comb and asked, why so straight?" Jasper said and growled it at the end. Renesmee hit Jasper then on the back of the head with a bat and it knocked him out.

"What did you do that for?!" Ron asked.

"He's not the Joker?" Renesmee asked and pointed at him with it.

"Uh, no!" Ron said.

"Oh. He does a good imitation." Renesmee shrugged and walked off before snatching the drawing of Hermione.

"Hey!" Ron chased after her.

"Hermione look at this." Renesmee handed Hermione it. Hermione looked at it.

"Ew, who ever this is, is so ugly and repulsive. They deserve to be run over by a tank, subjected to third degree burns, limbs ripped from their torso, and their teeth pulled out with their nails and fed to them!" Hermione gagged.

"Hermione, that's you." Ron said.

"Oh." Hermione said then her face turned red. "What is this Ronald?! Huh?" Hermione yelled. Renesmee hit Hermione with the baseball bat on the back of her head then. Ron jumped.

"Good, here is the Joker." Renesmee said. Ron looked at Hermione's face.

"Naw, the Joker looks better." He said and Renesmee nodded.

* * *

please comment, no flames or a bunch of people will die- I mean....I will be sad.


	77. Flash Back Chapter!

k ppl, thanks for all those nice reviews xD they made me laugh :D those three reviews from the same person are really old i got them when i first started this story, unfortunately, it is not an anonymous review so i cant delete it. if i do get a bad review, i delete them if i can, thats why there are none, if i didn't trust me, there would be allot. and plus my inbox was FULL of angry letters from people and a couple actually emailed me on my email account. it just aggravated me b/c i kept explaining that this is a crack fanfic, but i kept getting those bad reviews T_T

read this please

* * *

"Hey, Renesmee, remember that time Jacob got chased by fan girls?" Emmett asked Renesmee.

"No, but I do remember ten seconds ago." Renesmee said.

_----------Ten Seconds Ago----------_

_"Hey, Renesmee, remember that time Jacob got chased by fan girls?" Emmett asked Renesmee._

_"No, but I do remember ten seconds ago." Renesmee said._

------------------------------------------

"Wow you have a good memory." Emmett gawked.

"I remember all those times Renesmee shot people." Ron walked up.

_-----omg i dont feel like making a separation bar------_

_"OK." Renesmee pulled out her gun and shot Snape in the other leg._

_"OWWW!!!!!" Snape howled._

_"That's what she sa-"_

_"Potter, if you keep saying that I'll Rip these legs off and beat you with them!" Snape said._

_"oops, I missed." Renesmee said and was trying not to laugh._

------

_Renesmee pulled out her gun while she was eating and shot Hermione in the head. Hermione fell to the ground dead._

_"Have you eaten these potatoes? They are fabulous." Renesmee said._

_-------_

_Edward was sitting on a bean-bag chair reading, __Where the Wild Things Are (best book ever!). Renesmee walked by. Hermione was studying. Renesmee pulled out a gun and held it up to Hermione's head._

_"Kill me and I'll pull a Voldey." Hermione said._

_-------can't remember all the times she shot people---------_

"And?" Renesmee had her gun up to Ron's head.

"Whoa! When did that happen?" He asked.

"What's with all the flashbacks?" Edward and Bella walked over. Then, suddenly Bill and Sookie from TrueBlood walked up.

"Watch us have sex." Bill said.

"OK!" Emmett said.

"Like, yeah y'all. But your cheesy fangs in man." Sookie said in a thick accent.

"......God why." Bill muttered and the two left.

"Who were those queers?" Renesmee asked.

**"****Rip off version of Bella and Edward." **A voice boomed.

"Um, TrueBlood was around before Twilight." Jasper appeared.

**"****Still a rip off." **The voice said.

"Yeah, anyway, remember when Ron had the swine flu?" Edward said.

_----------------TrueBlood is like Porn--------------_

_"Ah-ah-ah-OINK!" Ron said._

_"Did you just oink?" Jasper asked while Emmett was on the floor laughing._

_"Maybe he's turning into a pig." Harry said._

_"Well we must harvest the meat!" Emmett appeared near Ron, sharpening a butcher's knife._

_"Emmett! He's just a person!" Hermione said._

_"Awwww." Emmett said and put it back and slouched off._

_---------------No! I have a pimple on my face!------------------_

The Cullen's had all appeared and were laughing their asses off while harry and Pals were not. Malfoy and gang appeared.

"Remember when you guys went to the Forbidden Forest?" Malfoy said.

-------------_I'm gonna Rip it off! xD------------------------_

_"Oh please kind cookie making elves, I did not means to eat your unicorn!" Emmet said as they tied him down to a midget table, but it broke under his weight._

_"Shut up! You will become a cookie!" An elf said._

_"Holy Shit, your cannibal elves!" Emmet said. They moved him slowly to the oven, Emmet's shoulder's got stuck so they had to shove him in and the walls broke._

_"Start the oven!" One said._

_"This is very unpleasant." Emmet said, his head in the oven. The tiny door opened and Edward came crawling in._

_"What the fu-"_

_-------------Whoa, I can see my nose!---------------------_

"Why are we having flashbacks?" Rosalie asked.

"Because we must!" Alice said.

"Do I get a line in this chapter?" Esme spoke up.

"Renesmee, stop breaking his arm!" Edward said. Renesmee had Malfoy in a choke hold and was trying to break his arm.

"How did you do that?!" Malfoy gasped.

"I got you during the flashback!" Renesmee said.

"Hey, remember when we left here?" Esme asked.

"No, because the first chapter sucked." Emmett said.

"I wonder what our house is like right now." Carlisle said.

Back at the Cullen's house......

"Yeah! I'm a race car driver!" Seth was doing doughnuts in Edward's Volvo. Leah was in the bathroom taking a bath, the water was brown from the months of not washing. she got up without pulling the plug and put on some of Rosalie's clothes and ripped some up.

"Yeah, take this bitch! Your the reason my Sam (not me) left me for that dike!" Leah yelled, stomping all over the delicate clothing.

Back at Hogwarts...........

"Hey Jacob, did you ask Leah to look after our house?" Bella asked.

"No, why?" Jacob asked, his face was written on from Renesmee.

"Poor girl, Sam left her for a dike." Edward said (that's how I picture Emily that man stealing whore)

**"Hey, can we stop it with the flash backs?"** A voice boomed.

"Why?" Bella asked.

**"Because I said so!"** The voice said.

* * *

sorry for the quick ending, i have to go.

yeah, i watched TrueBlood when I herd it involves vampires, but it's disturbing. it's like soft-core porn! and i know its been around before twilight, but its a rip-off! :D sorry to anyone who likes TrueBlood.

comment, no flames


	78. The LaPush Show

k, thanks for the reviews, even though i always say that.

i went to go see District 9, it's really really really really really awesome! i would definitely recommend it, the aliens in it like cat food and tires! :D

* * *

Edward was dancing in the back round while Hermione was trying to read but he kept making noises. Jacob walked in.

"Hey Hermione, I'm inviting three people over here. Dumbeldore said yes, so, don't jump on your period and yell all the time, kay?" He asked.

"Well, I wouldn't, but, can you please punch this guy in his face?" Hermione asked.

"Who Edward?" He asked Hermione nodded.

"Oh hell yeah! I've wanted to since he became my competition for Bella's love!" Jacob said.

"Ha!" Some one laughed in the back round.

"What competition?" Renesmee appeared.

"Uh, I used to be in love with your mom and suddenly you were born and now I like you." Jacob said.

"Oh yeah, like when you rape kissed her to make you stay alive when the newborn vampires attacked?" Renesmee asked.

"It wasn't rape-"

"Well, did she want to kiss you in the first place?" Renesmee interrupted him.

"No, but-"

"See, that's rape." Renesmee said and walked away.

"Yeah, anyway, I'm going to punch Edward because he killed my future kids and cock blocked me so many times!" Jacob said.

"Why can't you have kids anymore?" Hermione asked.

"If I have sex with Renesmee, Bella, Edward, and Rosalie will kill me." Jacob said.

"Oh." Hermione said. Jacob walked over to Edward who was trying to dance like Beyonce in the Single Ladies video (or whatever the song is called).

"Hey Edward." Jacob said. Edward ignored him. Jacob punched Edward, but Edward ducked when he was dancing . Jacob tried to kick him, then Edward screamed when he saw and kicked Jacob in his privates and walked off. Renesmee appeared then.

"He's going fetal!" She said as Jacob scrunched up.

-------you could be outside right now or reading a book-----------this isn't a book--------------

Jacob had three chairs set up and a big sofa as well as a glass coffee table.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked.

"Nothing." Jacob said. Then, half the school filled into seats arranged like bleachers.

"Jacob, are you trying to film a talk show?" Bella asked.

"No, Maybe, Sort of, Kinda, yes, no." Jacob said really fast.

"OK Jacob, what do you want?" Leah appeared and Seth was at her heals, staring around.

"Wow! You were right!" Seth said and ran over to a seat.

"Sit, sit." Jacob motioned for Leah to sit on one of the chairs. Bella's jaw dropped.

"Wow, Jacob, your not really going to-"

"Go sit Bella, the show is about to begin!" Jacob said excitedly, cutting off Bella. He pushed her to sit on one of he seats. Renesmee was sitting next to her with one of those hat's you can drink a beer out off, except she had soda. The crowd clapped.

"OK, welcome to the first ever show of, The LaPush Show!" Jacob said as the audience cheered.

"Who is he talking to?" Bella asked.

"Emmett is filming, he's trying to make a show." Renesmee said.

"Oh." Bella blinked.

"Now, my first guest is Leah, she was dumped by her high school sweet heart for her own cousin!" Jacob said as the crowd booed.

"Jacob, what the hell are you doing?" Leah growled as Emmett zoomed in on her.

"Nothing, sit down." Jacob hissed to her out of the corner of her mouth. "Now, bring out Sam and Emily!" Jacob said. Sam and Emily walked out then, confused.

"Jacob what are you doing?" Sam asked.

"Sit, sit." Jacob motioned for them. Leah's eyes grew wide at Emily and she gripped the seat.

"Oh hell no! I am not talking to that fat whore!" Leah stood up and pointed at Emily who looked shocked.

"Leah, please calm down." Jacob said. Leah sat down huffing to her self.

"Now, Sam, how do you fell about this whole ordeal?" Jacob asked.

"I am very sad. I do care about Leah-"

"Sure showed it by shacking up with my cousin." Leah muttered and the crowed oohed.

"Anyway, I love her, but Emily is something more-"

"Sure is, she's packing on the pounds." Leah said.

"And, I know there is some one out there for Leah, she just hasn't found him yet." Sam finished.

"Or her." Emily said and the crowd oohed again.

"What did you say fat ass?!" Leah stood up.

"You herd me!" Emily stood up.

"Well Emily I did find him but you stole him, and I didn't know you were into bestiality, how many times did Sam hump you in wolf form?!" Leah said.

"At least he loves me more!" Emily said (the crowd was cheering).

"At least I can turn into a wolf, when are you going to fix those scars? I know a good plastic surgeon, maybe he could also fix your flat chest, flat feet, and flat ass!" Leah snapped a Z at the end.

"You. Bitch." Emily hissed and punched Leah hard in the face. The crowd gasped sharply then everything was silent.

"Uh-oh." Jacob jumped behind the couch. Leah turned her face back to Emily slowly.

"How about I add a few more scars?" Leah growled then lunged at Emily, beating the snot out of her.

"Ja-cob! Ja-cob! Ja-cob!" The crowd chanted.

"Kick her ass!" Renesmee yelled.

"Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff." Emmett said zoomed in.

"Emily!" Sam said as Leah beat her to a pulp.

"Go sis!" Seth shouted.

A few minutes later Emily was all beat up, Leah was strapped to her chair and Sam sat in the middle of them. Jacob was back on the couch.

"OK, now, Sam, who would you choose now after seeing that?" Jacob asked.

"Uh." Sam thought.

"Why are you hesitating?!" Emily snapped while Leah was trying to get out of the restraints and was shaking violently.

"I don't know really. Leah, your hot, you kicked the crap out of Emily but your too shallow sometimes. Emily your ugly as hell, I can't stand to look at your face for five seconds, sometimes I imagine I am looking at Angelina Jolie but, you have an awesome personality." Sam said. Leah had paused.

"So, who is it? Good looks and a violent temper, or, Ugly as hell but good personality?" Jacob asked. Sam looked at both of them.

"Uh, I need time." Sam said.

"Fair enough, but, Leah first give him a reason to pick you." Jacob said.

"I was there in the beginning when you first were a werewolf and helped you when you were scared. I am strong enough to stick with you and fight against opponents, and I'm smart enough to duck." Leah said and smirked at Emily.

"OK, Emily." Jacob said.

"I am your soul mate. You imprinted on _me. _I am perfect for you and vise-versa." Emily said.

"Plus she can cook!" A voice said.

"Uh, OK, now, Sam, have you come to a decision?" Jacob asked.

"Yes. I have." Jacob said. The crowd was on the edge of their seats waiting. Leah was still trying to get out of the restraints. "I want, both." Sam said and the crowd gasped. Leah's jaw dropped and Emily looked crushed.

"Why?" Jacob was trying not to laugh.

"Well, Leah for my smexie lover, and Emily to cook and clean." Sam said.

"So, you want Emily to be a trophy wife and Leah to be like, your mistress?" Jacob asked and Sam nodded.

"Forget this. You can have him Emily. I don't share." Leah then easily bust out of her restraints and walked off with Seth.

"Oh, OK." Sam looked deflated and Emily looked happy. "So, who's supposed to be my smexie lover?" Sam asked.

"Don't worry Sam. I could go to the gym for three says instead of two." Emily said/

"OK." Sam said and they left.

"And, cut!" Emmett said and stopped the camera. The crowd left then.

"So, what do you think Emmett?" Jacob asked.

"I think we have a gold mine. I could just easily edit this, then send it off to TV shows." Emmett said.

"Great, I got to go, have fun cleaning up." Jacob said. Emmett turned around. There was a giant mess were the audience had sat since they were given snacks. Emmett looked around and just left.

* * *

I should of done something about Leah being menopause, oh well.

please comment, maybe I'll do more of the LaPush Show, or maybe the Jacob show.


	79. Advertisements

I googled this story and this story is the first result on google! xD as for ask .com and bing .com, don't use them, they suck.

i was sad that their was no pictures that came up either :( i'd make some but I can't figure out how to fix the scanner on my printer so I can't xD maybe some one else could if they could draw....."hint"

i ment to update earlier with this chapter but i had to get off the computer and so now i am updating, some one asked for district 9 elements in the story so i will in the next chapter xD what was cool was how the aliens wore random clothes, one in the movie had on a pink bra and he was trying to be intimidating :D and another had a k-mart vest on xD i want one for a friend now. and what was cool was how the aliens could understand the humans and vise versa and the little alien kid was cute, i kept thinking he was gonna die and i was glad he didnt. i want to go see the movie again :3

* * *

Carlisle was hiding behind a suite of armor. Ron walked by then and saw.

"Carlisle, what are you doing?" He asked.

"Hiding." Carlisle said.

"From what?" Ron asked.

"The Quiznos oven is stalking me and telling me about their Tasty Torpedo's which are only $3 but I keep telling him I'm a vampire and if I weren't I'd rather go to Subway!" Carlisle said.

"Why? Subway is nasty." Ron said (it is).

"You guys are both wrong, Dominoes Subs are the best." The Suite of Armor said. Ron and Carlisle looked at it then Carlisle shrugged.

"Hey Carlisle. Get my Sand which." The Oven appeared. Carlisle jumped out from behind the armor.

"For the last time! I'm a Vampire! I do not eat food!" Carlisle said.

"Prove it, kill that red head guy." The Oven said.

"How are you talking?" Ron asked the Oven but was ignored.

"I can't either, I am a vegetarian vampire, I eat only animals." Carlisle said.

"And he sparkles in the sun." The Suite of Armor said.

"Oh, your not a real vampire then." The Oven said.

"Why?" Carlisle asked.

"Vampire die if they go into the sun and their eyes are red." The Oven said matter of factly.

"No they don't." Carlisle said.

"Yeah, they do! Didn't you watch Underworld?!" The Oven asked.

"They go that idea vampires will die in the sun and have red eyes from Albinos!" Carlisle said.

"From what?" Ron asked but was still ignored.

"How?" The Oven asked.

"People used to think Albinos were vampires because they were pale, they couldn't go in the sun very long or they would get sick, hurt, or in rare cases, die. And their eyes are red." Carlisle explained.

"What are Albinos?!" Ron asked but was still ignored.

"Oh, well then. I'll just leave." The Oven said and faded away.

"Good, now that's done." Carlisle turned around.

"_Tell me who's watching....." _A faint voice said. Carlisle looked around, then spotted the source.

"_Always feels like, some body's watching me." _The voice said. Carlisle grabbed the Geico money and threw it outside.

"We already have your insurance!" Carlisle said.

_"Please, let be my self so I can shine, for this one chance....." _Another voice said.

"Oh, OK, let's go Gecko." The Caveman picked up the Gecko.

"Wait!" Ron ran up to the Gecko.

"What?" The Gecko asked.

"Are you English or Australian?" Ron asked.

"Australian dumb ass. Are their any Gecko's in England?" The Gecko slapped Ron across the face.

"Uh, no?" Ron winced.

"Good. Let's roll Caveman." Gecko snapped his fingers and the two left with the pile of money.

* * *

plz comment, xD i think the gecko is Australian, it's hard to tell because Australian's accent is slightly different than a person from England, and i made up the part about albinos being like vampires


	80. Siezure

k ppl, thanks for helping with everything. please forgive jacobnessie4eva, i have, so stop ending her hate-mail. i dont have a problem with her anymore, but it will take a while to really get over what she did and how she "accidentally" made her story like mine.......maybe she steals others stories and thinks she cant get caught, then when she is she gets all omg im sorry...... kay sam stop its! i dont think anyone will ever trust her with the originality of her stories...

i appreciate all your support on this and i feel so specials :3 COOKIES FOR EVERYONE! :D

now with other stories and authors that wish to write a fanfic and want to use some of my jokes, please ask me and if i agree, you have to say in the fanfic where the joke really came from.

if any of you happen to read a fanfic that has many of my jokes in it and is too similar to this story, let me know so we can shut it down! :D_ hell yeah!_ no mores will i threaten to never update again, it is selfish and dumb and you guys dont deserve it :(

drama time over : now entering the laugh zone!

strap on your giggle helmets!

* * *

T-Jeff was reading the Declaration of Independence from a text book.

"Damn I'm awesome!" He said. Rasputin slowly appeared by him.

"Hello." He said. T-Jeff jumped back and threw the text book in the air.

"Oh. It's you. Um, what do you want? Wait, how do you know English?" T-Jeff asked.

"Rosetta Stone baby." Rasputin said and put his hands on his hips.

"Yeah, what do you want?" T-Jeff asked.

"I can't find Ivan the Terrible." Rasputin said.

"Who?" T-Jeff asked.

"Russian guy about this tall, big beard, tall fuzzy hat, golden specter in one hand, wearing a fur coat?" Rasputin asked.

"You mean Evil Santa." T-Jeff said.

"Yes, did you see him?" Rasputin sighed.

"Yep, he went over there." T-Jeff pointed. Rasputin nodded and left.

------------------

Ivan was polishing his scepter (rofl!).

"Yes, nice and shiny. Ready to beat some one with." He said and patted it. Renesmee was behind him the whole time.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"AH!" Ivan screamed and had a seizure. He was jerking around on the ground. Renesmee poked him then left

--------_Inside Ivan's Post Seizure Head------_

_Ivan was sitting at his throne. He looked around._

_"Where am I? Wait just a second-"_

_"Honey-Shmokums!" A voice called. Ivan turned to see Anastasia running toward him. His jaw dropped. Then, a guy wearing an American flag on his back and a diaper jumped out and grabbed her._

_"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Ivan raced after her._

--------------------

"Here he is." T-Jeff found Ivan on the ground. Rasputin looked at him.

"Well, I can fix him, I am a spiritual healer." Rasputin said.

"Cough, bull crap, cough." T-Jeff said, Rasputin glared at him.

"He fell down and started jerking." Renesmee appeared.

"Dude needs to shave." Julius Caesar appeared.

"Why do you have George Cloony's hair cut?" T-Jeff asked him.

"I get asked that all the time! For the last time, I invented this hair cut! It's called, THE CAESAR!" Julius shouted.

"Caesar? I love Ranch Cesar dressing!" Carlisle appeared.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"I dip my carrots in it." He said. Julius was rolling on the floor busting a gut laughing. Renesmee thought for a second.

"Oh I get it!" She said. Carlisle glared. Caesar got up then and calmed down, but was still smiling and laughing to himself.

"Yeah anyway, what's up with him?" Rasputin pointed to Ivan. Caesar glanced at him.

"He's having a seizure." Carlisle said. Everyone then freaked out and music played and streamers rained down.

"That's the word of the day!" Renesmee shouted.

-------_Inside Ivan's Mind------_

_Ivan was on a boat fighting off pirates. Diaper Hero has Anastasia bound up ans Ivan fought off the pirates._

_Ivan swung around that giant pole on the ship on a rope and cut people up with the sword._

_"Ha-ha!" He said and flipped in the air and as he did two guys ran at him. Spinning he pulled out small guns and shot them both, killing them. Then he landed infront of Diaper Hero._

_"H-how?" Diaper Hero asked._

_"I'm Russian Bitch. That gives me license to kick ass." Ivan said, then killed Diaper Hero and saved his dead wifey-poo._

_"Oh Ivie! I love you so mu-"_

"CLEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Carlisle's voice shouted. Ivan could see a fuzzy picture of Carlisle trying to save Ivan using those two pushy-things ambulance guys use to bring back people when they are dead. (wtf are they called?)

In the background, Renesmee and the others were dancing around shouting Word of the Day.

Then, Ivan woke up because I want him too.

"Are you OK?" Carlisle asked. (we are outside Ivan's mind)

"Uh, yeah." Ivan shook his head, trying to remember his dream. By now the others had calmed down.

"I'm an angel!" Caesar was making a snow angel out of streamers. Rasputin had left and Renesmee had Ivan's scepter.

"My scepter!" Ivan took it and cradled it.

"Fine." Renesmee scoffed, pulled out her gun and shot Ivan. She missed though.

"Hey! Hey!" Ivan jumped back. Renesmee froze. "Come on now, what do I look like? A Hermione?" Ivan asked.

"Yeah sorry." Renesmee agreed and looked ashamed.

* * *

kay first update since....ya know.

evil sam: ha! let that be an example to you other copy cats!

good sam: now now evil me. the copy cats will probably stop after what happened.

evil sam: like hell they will!

good sam: now, how about a game of Parcheesi?

evil sam: hell yeah! I'm a beast at Parcheesi!

Comment plz!

omg! i know i promised to have the District 9 aliens in the next chapter in the last one, but i forgots while typing this. I PROMISE that i will in the next one, swears. xD if i dont you can throw rocks at me :D yeah no, that would hurt

i have a new poll, please check it out :)


	81. Omg! The 81st Chapter! I need a life! :D

zomg! yes the z is ment to be there. thanks so much for the reviews! XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD super xD! xDDDDDDDDD

-off coarse i can clean up the language a smidge for our younger readers

-yes u can use "I'm Russian Bitch and that gives me license to kick ass"

and thanks also for the inbox messages :D

District 9 aliens r in this, if u have not seen district 9, first of all, u fail at life, and second just wikipedia it, no, go see the awesome movie! XD

* * *

"Hey Harry, have you seen Renesmee?" Bella asked Harry.

"No, have you seen Hermione?" Harry asked.

"No, no one wants to see her." Bella said and walked away.

Emmett was in the forbidden forest dressed like a turn-of-the-century explorer from England, he even had a fake curly mustache. He was trekking through the "Wilderness". He passed by the ashes of the tree that blew up earlier (in the story).

Click.....Click............click click. Emmett stopped and turned around. Then it came again. He shrugged and walked on. Then, out of no ware, half of the trees blew up and exploded from the inside out.

"HOLY BEEP BEEP BEEP CAMEL BEEP BEEP BEEP SANDWICH BEEP BEEP BEEP ON A SANDWICH!" Emmett screamed and jumped back. "Wait, did I just repeat myself?" He said. Then he looked down. Little Alien Buddy stood there. The two stared at each other.

"Sup." Emmett said.

"Clcik Click Click." Little Alien Buddy said.

"Uh, what?" Emmett asked. Little Alien Buddy pointed a giant gun at a tree and fired and the tree exploded. Then he jumped around clicking. "Wow, you like to blow up things too!" Emmett said.

"Click Click Click." Little Alien Buddy said.

"Um, I don't understand Clicks." Emmett said. Little Alien Buddy paused. Then he pulled out a piece of paper and a magic marker and wrote something down.

"I MARF HUNGRJDAD." He wrote.

"I marf hungrjdad?" Emmett read. "Huh?" Emmett asked. Little Alien buddy pointed to his stomach. "Oh! Your hungry!" Emmett said and Little Alien Buddy nodded. "Well, follow me!" Emmett said and the two ran up to the castle.

---------------------

Hermione was strapped to railroad tracks dressed up in a 1800's outfit. Renesmee had on an old Cowboy outfit.

"Now Hermione! If your beloved Ronald Westwards Chapass does not save you, you will be cut in half by the train!" Renesmee cackled.

"Renesmee what the hell?! Are you deliberately trying to kill me?!" Hermione asked. Renesmee paused.

"Maybe." She said.

"Well, the jokes one you! The only train around here is the Hogwarts Express and it isn't running!" Hermione said.

Toot! Toot! A far of whistle sounded. Hermione froze.

"Fuck you." She said.

"No thank you Hermione, I don't swing that way! And this chapter was supposed to be clean! You know what that means!" Renesmee pulled out a piece of soap and shoved it in Hermione;s mouth. "You get your mouth washed out with soap!" Renesmee laughed.

"Don't worry Hermione! I'll save you!" Ron said. He arrived riding a horse with Chaps on but no pants under them.

"I don't need to be saved by you! A guy! Just because I'm a girl doesn't make me weak!" Hermione said gagging on the bar of soap as she spoke. Ron fell off the horse and stood up (he was wearing undies).

"Jesus Ron put some pants on!" Renesmee said.

"Now I must fight you and save the lady!" Ron said.

"Are you retarded or high? Hermione isn't a lady!" Renesmee said.

"I can assure you I am not high." Ron said firmly (got that from South Park). He ran at Renesmee and lassoed her. Renesmee looked at him like he was high, then easily broke out of the ropes and punched Ron in the face. He flew back and held his bleeding nose.

"Ow! My nose I think it's broken!" Ron said.

"Ah! Grg! Ah!" Hermione said gagging on the soap. the train was speeding toward her now. Then, the train blew up in an attempt to save her but the explosion killed her anyway. Little Alien Buddy and Emmett walked up. Little Alien buddy had the gun in hand.

"Click." He said (he said oops).

"She sounded like Rosalie on a Saturday night!" Emmett said.

"Aw, I'm the worst cowboy ever." Ron said.

"Click click click." Little Alien Buddy patted Ron's back.

"Yeah I hear ya AH!" Ron jumped back when he saw Little Alien Buddy.

"Hey! Don't scream at Little Alien Buddy! No body screams when they see your face!" Emmett said.

"People want to scream when they see me?" Ron asked.

"Uh, I didn't say that." Emmett lied.

"What's that boy? Your hungry?" Renesmee was talking to Little Alien Buddy. He nodded.

"You understand him?" Emmett asked.

"Yup. Don't you?" Renesmee asked.

"No-o." Emmett sniffed like he was about to cry.

"Click Click." Little Alien Buddy tapped his foot.

"Let's go to the castle!" Renesmee ran and Emmett followed carrying Ron and Little Alien Buddy.

--------------------

"CLICK CLICK CLICK!" Little Alien Buddy threw the food at the wall.

"For the last time, that's what they have!" Renesmee yelled at him. The House Elves cowered in the corner. Emmett was drinking a glass of warm blood while Ron had his nose fixed up.

"Click Click!" Little Alien Buddy said.

"Wait, you- you want cat food? And Tires?" Renesmee asked and Little Alien Buddy nodded.

"Gee I wonder how this works." Ron had Little Alien Buddy's gun.

"I know were Tires are." Emmett said.

"Good. You get the Tire. I'll get some Cat Food." Renesmee said, shaking her head. The two left.

Little Alien Buddy took his gun from Ron, and pointed at the wall and fired. The wall exploded. Emmett appeared with a Tire and Renesmee Cat Food.

"Here." Renesmee and Emmett handed him the food. He tore into it and started to eat them. He dipped the Tire into the cat food and ate it. Then, a little ship flew up and an older Alien jumped out.

"Click Click, clickity click click!" The Older Alien grabbed Little Alien Buddy and hugged him, but snuck a little Cat Food.

"Aw. That's his dad." Renesmee wiped away a tear.

"Are you going to take him away?" Emmett asked and Older Alien nodded.

"Click Click." He said.

"His name is Christopher Johnson." Renesmee said. Christopher nodded.

"Yeah, no one cares." Emmett said.

"I thought their names were Click." Ron said.

"Don't be stupid Ron. He's not a Pokemon." Renesmee said.

"He isn't?!"Ron's jaw dropped.

"Click, click, click." Chris said.

"Kay, bye." Renesmee said and the two left.

"Aw, I liked Little Alien Buddy." Emmett said.

"You mean Click?" Ron asked.

"Hell no. That movie sucks!" Emmett said and walked away.

* * *

kay, ppl comment! and dont ask what District 9 is! xD The answer: kick ass awesome movie that deserves all the oscars this year! xD


	82. Mind Reader, wait no, Future Seerererer

ok ppl, some guys dont want an author note before and after the story T_T u guys dont want to talk to me? *sniffels* well fine i dont want to talk to u either lol jk

* * *

"BELLA!" Emmett screamed in Bella's ear. She was laying down with her eyes closed, she jumped up and fell.

"WHAT?!" Bella yelled.

"Were you trying to sleep?" Emmett asked.

"No, I was telling my self a story." Bella said.

"Uh, why?" Emmett asked.

"I do that when I get bored." Bella said.

"Well, that's better than what Rosalie does." Emmett said.

"What does she do?" Bella asked. Emmett turned and five little kids were standing behind him.

"Uh, knitting." He lied.

"OK?" Bella asked.

"Anyway, I hired a psychic from New Orleans to read our palms! She can see what happened in our past lives and what will happen to our future ones!" Emmett said.

"Emmett, you need to stop watching so much Family Guy." Bella said.

"No. Don't ever say that! Then I'd have to watch South Park!" Emmett said in horror.

"What about American Dad?" Bella asked. Emmett turned whiter.

"Eep." He said.

"Hey, I found this Cajun spying on me!" Jasper walked up, dragging the psychic wearing only a towel around his waist and dripping wet (insert fan girl scream here).

"Wow your like a Greek God!" The Girl said.

"No he isn't. Zeus is a pervert. Every time we play poker he tries to turn it into Strip Poker." Renesmee appeared.

"Yeah and he's ugly!" Alice added. She glared at the psychic. Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Jacob, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape, and Dumbeldore were dragged back to the room and everyone sat around a table.

"Now, who's first?" Madame K said.

"Um, are you from New Orleans?" Renesmee asked. She nodded. "Were you a levy in your past life?" Renesmee asked. Everyones jaw dropped and they turned to stare at her. "What? Oh fine. Be that way." Renesmee grumbled.

"OK, you, Snape, I see, a shampoo boodle." She said.

"Wow, irony!" Rosalie cackled.

"In Rosalie's shower room." Madame K finished. Emmett fell out of his chair laughing while Rosalie's race widened in horror.

"I was? Awesome!" Snape said.

"And in the future, you will...kill your boss." She said. Dumbeldore's head slowly turned to Snape who smiled innocently.

"Do me! I never get any attention!" Esme said.

"Hm. I'm not getting anything." Madame K said and Esme pouted. Carlisle objected as did Jasper who claimed in his past life he was a Buddhist Monk. Alice was next.

"Now, I see, in your past life, you, you were a renown Porn Star!" Madame K said. Emmett again fell out of his seat.

"That isn't true! I was sent to an asylum!" Alice said.

"Yes, for trying to read Shakespeare." Madame K said. Alice glared daggers at Madame K.

"Just tell me about my past!" Edward insisted.

"Yes, you were...a student here. But you were killed and Carlisle found you while visiting his hometown." Madame K said.

"Seriously? Dad is Cedric, because I think I killed him." Renesmee said.

"Naw, I was yankin' yo chain." Madame K said then moved on.

"Now, Hermione, I see no past for you or a future." Madame K said.

"That's because Renesmee kills her all the time." Ron said. Madame K's jaw dropped.

"How does she always keep coming back?" Madame K asked.

"We do not know." Renesmee said.

"Now, Harry, I see that you will rise up and join the ministry of magic after killing Voldemort and then will have five bajillion kids with Ginny and have the worst epilogue in all book history." Madame K said.

"Best future ever!" Harry cheered.

"Now, Ron, you will marry Hermione but will have seventy thousand bajillion kids and will do practically nothing." Madame K said.

"Yay! I get laid!" Ron cheered with Harry.

"WHAT?! I don't want to marry him!" Hermione said.

"Well who do you want to marry? Victor Crumblycake?" Harry asked.

"Uh, no." Hermione blushed.

"Why would you want to marry a commie anyway?" Ron asked.

"He's not a communist." Hermione glared. Suddenly the seat Hermione was sitting in sprung up and ejected her out of the seat and through the wall outside.

"Yes! Success!" Renesmee cheered. Everyone just stared at her. "Carry on." Renesmee said to Madame K.

"Now, Dumbeldore, I see in your past life you were Harvey Milk." Madame K said.

"I was milk?" Dumbeldore.

"No you back-door bandit. Harvey Milk was the first openly gay male to be elected to a political office." She said.

"Where?" Jasper asked.

"San Fransisco." She said.

"Figures." Emmett muttered.

"And, in your future you shall be one of those elderly people who scream at Health Care Reform meetings at City Halls in the US." Madame K said.

"Bitchin." Dumbeldore said.

"I say let the old people die! Mwahahahah!" Renesmee laughed. Emmett grabbed a bat and hit her.

"Damn dirty commies! Now you got my niece!" Emmett said as he hit her. Renesmee grabbed the bat and ripped it from Emmett's hands then hit Emmett hard on the head.

"Gewd night Sally." Emmett said and fell to the ground unconscious.

"And then there was one." Renesmee said then sat down.

"Now, Renesmee, I see in your past you were a vampire named James." Madame K said. Bella's jaw dropped and Edward's eye twitched.

"Now _that _is irony." Carlisle said.

"Ew, I was a guy." Renesmee said.

"What's wrong with guys?" Jacob asked.

"They have cooties!" Renesmee then started to beat Jacob with the bat. "We must kill the cooties!" Renesmee said. Then, Hermione crashed through the ceiling and landed on the table. Everyone paused and stared at her.

"It's OK! I'm- I'm alive!" Hermione said.

"NO!" Renesmee hit Hermione on the back with the bat, cracking her spine and killing her.

"Whoa, that was kinda graphic." Harry said.

"No! Now how am I supposed to get laid!?" Ron started to cry.

"Don't worry Ron that's why they built the dildo." Harry patted Ron's shoulder.

"She'll come back anyway." Renesmee said and tossed the bat over her head.

"Now, who else is left? Hurricane Bill is coming and I have to board up my hut by the bayou." Madame K said (pronounced buy-u).

"Well, that's it." Madame K said and left.

"Hey! I found a shampoo boodle and the product is called Snape-ove." Semus walked over.

"Give that too me! That could be my past life's carcass!" Snape.

"Psh, no, Imma gonna masturbate into it!" Seamus said and left.

"Wtf kind of name is Snape?." Renesmee blurted out.

* * *

ok, i tried not to comment in the middle of the story. that part about bella telling herself stories when she is bored is what i do xD sometimes the teachers will catch me staring off into space and yell at me, but i stil ignore them and stare at their pit stains (the AC in the school is broken)

so plz comment


	83. Army of Renesmee's

-the dumbeldore thing is gay b/c according to jk rowling she always saw him as gay.

yeah, another reason for Christians to hate HP

* * *

Emmett was trying to teach Renesmee Algebra.

"OK, so where is x?" Emmett asked. Renesmee looked at it.

"Here." She drew an arrow to the x. Emmett sighed.

"Not that, solve it. Solve the math problem." Emmett said.

"Wait, why is your letter in my numbers?" Renesmee asked. Emmett looked at it.

"Why are your numbers in my letter?" He asked.

"Touche." Renesmee said.

----------

Emmett was watching Carlisle solve a very complicated equation.

"What are you doing?" Emmett asked as Carlisle filled up the chalk board.

"Ha! I've solved it!" Carlisle said.

"Solved what?" Emmett asked.

"How to travel between parallel universes." Carlisle said.

"I thought you were a doctor not some super nerd." Emmett said.

"Hey, just because I can do math doesn't make me a-"

"See ya later nerd." Emmett left. Carlisle frowned and left.

---------------

Renesmee walked in.

"Hey guys were is my glass of warm milk before bed?" She looked around. She turned on the lights and saw the chalk board.

"Travel blah blah blah, black holes....." She read the equation. "Travel between parallel universes? Cool! I could throw a me party!" Renesmee said. She wrote a note:

Dear Mom,

Going to travel through parallel universes to throw a me party. Be back by dinner.

-Renesmee

She quickly built a machine because she does and activated it.

"Me party time!" She said and jumped in.

The Next Day

"Hey, I think Renesmee ran away." Emmett said. Bella jumped up.

"What makes you say that?" Bella asked.

"This note." Emmett handed it to her.

"What?! She's to young to travel through parallel universes!" Bella said.

"You know what that means! We must find her!" Emmett declared.

"Can I come?" Ron asked.

"Sure, everyone can come." Emmett said. Carlisle, Bella, Edward, Harry and Pals, and Jacob decided to go.

"Jacob, why are you coming?" Bella asked.

"Renesmee is my soul mate. Maybe if I save her she will start to love me!" Jacob said.

"Do that and I'll chop your penis off." Bella growled darkly.

"Ep!" Jacob jumped back.

"OK, everyone tie these ropes around you so if we find Renesmee we will just tug these and come back here. Esme will watch to make sure they don't get lost." Carlise said. Everyone tied them around their waist.

"Cannon Ball!" Emmett jumped into the void created by the machine. Everyone jumped in.

----Opposite Universe #2----

Edward fell down on a floor.

"Umph!" Bella fell on top of him.

"Oh! Hey Eddie, maybe we can try this position more often?" Bella asked.

"Uh, fat chance. Twilight is written by a Mormon and Mormons don't like feminists or strong woman!" Edward said.

"Hey, whose there?" A voice yelled.

"Is that Jasper?" Bella sat up. The door opened and Jasper stood over them.

"Why are you in the closet Edward? Come out." Jasper said Edward got up and so did Bella. "Bella? Your in there too? But, Edward." Jasper sputtered.

"What is it?" Edward asked.

"You divorced Bella because you fell for Tanya and Bella your married to Jacob." Jasper said.

"Yes yes, what's all the ruckus in here?" Emmett came in wearing a suite.

"Emmett, why did the word ruckus come out of your face?" Edward asked.

"Edward! I think this is the universe where I fell for Jacob instead and you Tanya!" Bella said.

"Oh crap. Let's go." Edward said.

"Universe? Whats all this?" Emmett asked, only then did Bella hear the English accent in his voice.

"EMMETT! Your not a dumb ass in this universe!" Bella said.

"That's it, come with me." Emmett dragged them down stairs into the Collen's living room. Carlisle was working out listening to 80's music, Esme was smoking, an ugly girl sat in the corner, and an Indian girl was sitting on the couch.

"Esme?" Edward asked Esme.

"Piss off." Esme growled and Edward jumped back.

"Carlisle! These two claim to be Bella and Edward!" Emmett said. Carlisle stopped working out and sat up. He had GIANT upper body muscles.

"Yo bro, I was in the zone man." He said and turned off the music.

Edward then explained what happened.

"So, in your universe, I'm gay?" Carlisle asked.

"Not gay, your smart." Bella said.

"Hi, I'm Renesue." Renesue said (Renesmee).

"So I'm beautiful in another universe?" The ugly girl asked.

"Rosalie?!" Bella's jaw dropped.

"In another universe ass-face. Put your bag back on." Mean-Esme said.

Suddenly, a portal opened up and Emmett jumped down. But the rope he was on was to short so he hanging the hair by his waist.

"Uh, Edward-" He said as he spun slowly around.

"Yep, that's our Emmett." Bella said.

"What is it Emmett?" Edward asked.

"We, um, have a problem in our universe." He said.

"OK, everyone, lets go!" Edward jumped up and everyone followed.

-----Back in their universe----

Everyone jumped out.

"Thank god your here!" Carlisle ran up to them.

"Who's this queer?" Dumb-Carlisle asked. Carlisle looked at his opposite.

"Wow." He said, then shook his head.

"What is it Carlisle?" Edward asked.

"We, kinda, have too many people." Carlisle moved to show them. There was a Gay-Edward, Smart-Rosalie, Slutty-Hermione, Scared-Harry, Brave-Neville, Hot-Ron, Cool-Snape, Straight-Dumbeldore, and Fat-Alice.

"This doesnt seem allot." Edward said.

"I would NEVER dress like that!" Both Hermione said to one another.

There were two Sirius' standing next to one another.

"You guys aren't opposites." Snape said.

"Yeah." Both said at the same time. Normal Alice was staring at Fat-Alice in disbelief and vise-versa. Jacob was crying.

"Why are you crying?" Rosalie scoffed.

"My opposite is dead!" He cried.

"HELL YEAH!!!" Rosalie started to dance.

"Wow! I'm the main character in the other universe?" Neville asked Brave-Neville.

"Sure are." Neville said. Scared Harry was hiding under a table. Hot-Ron and Ron looked at one another.

"Freak." Both said at the same time.

"Why are you freaking out Carlisle?" Esme asked.

"P***y." Mean-Esme said and took a drag. Esme turned to her opposite.

"Bitch." Esme said and knocked out Mean-Esme. Everyone stared at her. "What?" She asked.

"Well, there is no need to worry that a GIANT black hole will be created from our rupture in the time space continuum, there aren't that many of us." Carlisle said.

"But, wouldn't the universe try to kill the opposites that don't belong here?" Smart-Emmett asked. Carlisle turned to him.

"Oh my god, can we trade Emmett's?" Carlisle asked. Suddenly, a giant hole ripped through the ceiling an an army of Renesmee's appeared.

"Renesmee Cullen, reporting for duty!" All one million of them said at the same time. Carlisle fainted.

"AH!" Dumb-Carlise threw the machine at them and it broke as a couple Renesmee's took the hit. The Real Renesmee jumped down. She had on a Military coat.

"Renesmee's, ATTACK!" She yelled.

"Get 'em!" The one million Renesmee's yelled at the same time and charged them.

"Hey! Renesmee's, it's me!" Jacob said.

"Get 'em!" They all roared at once and charged only him.

"Good job Jacob! Take one for the team!" Rosalie said as the opposites and the originals ran off.

"Not the face!" Jacob said as he was swallowed up by the sea of Renesmee's. His hand stuck up in the air and slowly sunk down.

"Whoa." Renesue said. The Renesmee's turned to her and charged her.

"Get 'em!" They yelled.

"Ah!" Renesue cowered.

"Stop it!" Bella stood in front of them with her right hand out to stop them. The army of Renesmee's stopped and sat down.

"Yes mother." They all said at once.

"What the hell?!" Renesmee jumped down from her perch and ran to the front. "What are you doing me's?! You are call yourselves Renesmee's?!" She said.

"Renesmee, stop it." Bella said. Renesmee turned around and sat down.

"Yes mother." She said. "Shit!" She cursed under her breath.

"Ha! Take that!" Renesue said. Renesmee's eyes twitched.

"What is that?" She asked.

"Your opposite." Bella said. Carlisle got up.

"Renesmee, they have to go back to their universes." He said.

"Why?" Renesmee asked.

"Because, um." Carlisle said.

"Well, if you want them to go so badly." Renesmee turned around.

"Renesmee's, stand up!" Renesmee said and they stood up. "Now, Renesmee's, go forth, and wreak havoc through out the world, then, come back here in a month!" She cackled.

"Let's go!" they all shouted at the same time and jumped out the window and ran off.

"There." Renesmee said. The other opposites left to their universe.

-------------

"Glad everything is back to normal." Bella said.

"This just it, one little girl has been spotted in numerous parts of the world, all at the same time, and even there will be five or ten together." A news anchor on the TV said as pictures of Renesmee flashed across the screen and pictures of one or more Renesmee's robbing a place.

"Yep, normal." Edward said.

* * *

hey, i was wondering b/c i didnt get to check, who sent that girl that copied this story hatemail? I just want to know, so if u did, say so in ur review, thanks

renesue is renee and sue, idk jacobs mom so i used sue clearwaters name, that would be renesmee's name if bella ended up with jacob, well, to me


	84. Edward and Bella's Anniversary

OMG! Shes a updating!

STATUS UPDATE FOR TUHPTCO THE MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am finally at the last part of the movie. it isnt a real movie, just a rly long chapter. once i get 99 chapters i will release it as the 100. i was hoping to release it on this stories 1st anniversary, but it doesn't look like it T_T so this is where this story concept comes in

STORIE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

"Rosalie, have you seen Edward?" Bella asked Rosalie who was painting.

"No." Rosalie said.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked.

"If Hades can paint then so can I!" Rosalie said.

"Uh, OK." Bella said then left.

Bella's mind:

_Omg! Edward better not have forgot our anniversary! If he does, like, like, like, I'm going to divorce him! Then-_

_Oh look a penny! It's my lucky day!_

Regular POV:

"Edward! Get her this!" Emmett and Edward were shopping in London. It was raining. Emmett pointed at a lawnmower.

"Uh, Emmett, I doubt Bella wants a lawnmower." Edward said.

"Your right. I want it. Is it our anniversary yet?" Emmett asked. Edward froze.

"Emmett, you promised we would never talk about that." Edward said. Emmett wrapped his arms around Edward.

"I didn't." He whispered into his ear.

"AH!" Edward started to cry.

"Fish and chips?" A boy asked out of no where. Emmett shoved Edward away.

"Is the fish alive?" He asked.

"Oh, never min. Your American." The boy turned away. Emmett pushed him back around.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Emmett asked.

"AMERICANS ARE LA-" Emmett grabbed the little boy and threw him across the city. Everyone turned to look at him with jaws dropped.

Edward lumbered over.

"So, what do girls like?" Emmett asked.

"I don't know, flowers and chocolates and shit." Edward said.

"Well I got one out of three correct with Rosalie." Emmett said.

"Uh Emmett-"

"C'mon, lets go to this place Harry and Pals shop at. The Police saw me chuck that kid." Emmett grabbed Edward and dragged him away.

Edward and Emmett walked through the Leaky Cauldron narrowly escaping Serial Raping Hags and into Daigon Alley.

"Wow, look at all this!" Emmett was staring into the window of the Pet Store.

"Emmett, I think the stores are closed." Edward said. Inside the shops, the lights were off and no one was around.

"Huh, shure. I know! Get Bella a kitten!" Emmett said.

"Emmett she might eat it." Edward said. Smash! Emmett punched the glass on the display window easily and ripped the window off. "FREE! BE FREE MY FELLOW ANIMAL BRETHREN!" Emmett yelled as he freed all the animals inside. The magical creatures ran wild and out into the street. "Emmett! What the hell!" Edward yelled. Emmett then ran over to the ice cream store and ran straight through the wall, leaving an Emmett shaped hole. There was a ripping noise and ice cream flooded the streets. Edward walked through it slowly. Then Emmett ran to Florish and Blotts or whatever its called, and ripped all the close up. He burned the book store and accidentally blew up the wand shop, scattering wand every were.

"This is a hold up, man, say yeah!" Emmett ran into Gringots with Renesmee's shot gun who at the same time was looking for it. The trolls all held their hands up scared. "Gimme all the loot ya got, man say, yeah!" Emmett said.

"What?" One asked.

"Give me your coins!" Emmett yelled. The elves all surrendered their coins to him and Emmett ran back out to the street. Edward stared at him in disbelief.

"Emmett, did you just rob the bank?" Edward asked.

"Uh, sorry. My inner rebel came out." Emmett looked around and grabbed a dog that was liking ice cream. "Here give her this." Emmett tossed it over to Edward who caught it. He then kicked a broom up with his foot and hopped on it with Edward and they flew off.

Back at Hogwarts.......

It was late afternoon. Bella was pacing around the Griffendor common room, glaring furiously.

"Edward forgot about our anniversary! That's it!" Bella roared.

"Diagon Alley got robbed!" Hermione ran in with the Daily Prophet, waving it around.

"Where is it huh?!" Renesmee tackled Hermione and shook her.

"What?" Hermione jumped out of Renesmee's grasp.

"MY SHOT GUN! YOU STOLE IT SO I WOULDN'T KILL YOU!" Renesmee roared.

"Renesmee shut up!" Bella yelled. Renesmee suddenly sat down and was silent.

"Yes mother." She said in a robotic voice. "Crap!" She curse afterward. Then, Edward and Emmett crashed through the window on the broom. Edward jumped up. The Dog had a bow on it.

"Happy anniversary!" Edward said in a fake cheer, holding out the dog. Bella suddenly started to cry.

"You remembered! Oh Eddie! You get double sex tonight!" Bella cried.

"Jackpot!" Edward threw his close off and was naked and ran off to their bedroom. Bella looked at the dog and pet it, then ran after Edward.

"Ooh! A dog!" Renesmee ran up to it and opened her mouth to show her fangs.

"Renesmee! Don't eat the dog!" Bella called and Renesmee shrunk back.

* * *

hey fun fact! my old algebra teacher told me this:

Daigonalley is an angle! it has something to do with diagonal, but he says that J.K. Rowling got Daigon Alley from the word Daigonal. ROFL!

now, what should the dogs name be and what type and gender? i was going to model him/her after my dog Nate (my avatar) but that wouldn't be fair to ya readers! so u pick!

RULES:

The dog can not be some small wimpy purse dog! BIG DAWGS and medium dogs! xD

boy or girl dog!

funny names! the names can be funny by being serious! nothing ridiculous!

xD!

review and give me your answer!


	85. On Line Collage!

STATUS UPDATE FOR TUHPTCO! THE MOVIE : A RACE THROUGH TIME!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!! I FINISHED IT! *disco* lol, i am now done, i finished the movie! xD all i have to do now is edit it :3 then, finish this story, and publish the movie!

thats y i didnt update yesterday b/c i was working on the movie

_"The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight CrossOver!" shall appear on Deviant art as "Harry Potter and The Cullens" by Gemini53095, dont panic it isnt an imitator, thats me on deviant art xD if u have a deviant art account, make sure to visit it there! the chapters will be set up differently though  
_

still havent decided on the name or breed of the dog, waiting for more replies :) I was sick today with "White Castle Shits" and got out of school. now i know why they are called belly bombers.

_

* * *

_Renesmee was on line.

"What are you doing?" Jacob walked by.

"I'm going to an on line collage to become a nurse!" Renesmee said.

"Renesmee if you want to be a nurse, you could just ask me." Carlisle walked by.

"Nah. I adopted a pet virtually!" Renesmee pulled up Super Poke Pets to show them her pet Raccoon.

"Hey girls!" Emmett jumped up. He wore a mini-skirt and a tube top and his hair pulled back in pig tails. Jacob's jaw dropped and Renesmee was laughing her ass off while Carlisle sighed. "I'm joining a Sorority!" Emmett said. He picked up a giant purse and put on a bunch of make up. "See ya!" He said and walked off. Dumbeldore walked by and took a double take on Emmett, then he ran into a wall.

"Why does he want to join a Sorority?" Rosalie sniffed.

"Because he wants to meet the killer of that dumb Sorority Row movie." Renesmee laughed.

"AH!" Emmett ran by, the killer chasing him. "I changed my mind!" He yelled, ripping off the tube top.

"DAYUM!" Some one yelled.

Ding!

Renesmee turned back to the computer. There was a message on it.

You have graduated! It read.

"Awesome!" Renesmee printed it out and framed it, then put on the cap, and threw it in the air. Carlisle frowned.

"This is why doctors know suck, on line collages." He hissed, then walked off.

"Im going to go shot someone now!" Renesmee said.

"With a needle to give them their vaccines?" Jacob asked.

"Uh, sure." Renesmee said and walked off.

* * *

sry for the short chapter, had writers block xD


	86. Feminist Police

_"The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight CrossOver!" shall appear on Deviant art as "Harry Potter and The Cullens" by Gemini53095, dont panic it isnt an imitator, thats me on deviant art xD if u have a deviant art account, make sure to visit it there! the chapters will be set up differently though_

Ok everyone, i am still waiting on the dog results! this is ur last chance to tell me, so far Newfoundland is in the league! xD

sto-ray time!

* * *

Emmett got up and opened his mail bow.

GIRLS GONE WILD!

He tucked the movie into his pocket, then threw everything else away.

"FEMINIST POLICE!!!!!!!!!" A voice boomed.

"What the hell?" Emmett jumped. Hermione jumped through the roof dressed as a police officer, blowing a whistle. She had a police siren attached to her hat.

"You are under arrest Emmett!" She said.

"I swear I didn't mean for the whale to explode! I though he could take the pop rocks!" Emmett cried. Hermione paused.

"Your under arrest for degrading woman!" Hermione said.

"Huh? Rosalie agreed to that!" Emmett snapped. Hermione huffed and pulled out his DVD. "Oh that." He said.

"See? Violation 245! Watching porn, and only thinking that girls are good for sex and being naked!" Hermione said.

"I don't think that!" Emmett said.

"Name a woman inventor!" Hermione snapped.

"Uh, Eve?" Emmett asked.

"She didn't invent anything!" Hermione said.

"Yes she did! SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled.

"Damn straight!" Eve's far off voice yelled. Hermione then tazered Emmett and he fell to the ground knocked out.

-----------

Jacob was working out on a Bowflex.

"What are you doing Jacob?" Renesmee asked.

"Working out! I saw Chuck Norris using one!" Jacob said.

"Dumb ass." Renesmee said.

"I bet you couldn't lift one!" Jacob said.

"FEMINIST POLICE!" Hermione ran up and handcuffed Jacob.

"It was Emmett's idea!" Jacob sobbed.

"What are you doing Hermione?" Renesmee asked. Hermione turned to Renesmee.

"I am arresting Jacob on Violation 88761." Hermione said.

"For what?" Jacob called.

"For insisting woman are weaker than boys!" Hermione snapped.

"I didn't say that! Have you seen any of the woman body builders?" Jacob cried.

"Now you are defiantly going to jail!" Hermione hauled him off.

----------

Harry and Ron were punching one another playfully during breakfast.. Ron hit Harry.

"Ha! You bunch like a girl!" Harry laughed.

"FEMINIST POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione jumped down on the table.

"Emmett did it!" Ron jumped.

"Harry Potter, you are under arrest for violation 1342578! Saying girls punch weakly!" Hermione said.

"Huh? I did?" Harry asked as he was being handcuffed.

"Hermione, are you a stripper?" Ron asked.

"Now you are under arrest for violation 7389! Insisting that all girls are strippers!" Hermione said.

"I only asked that because your dressed like a police officer!" Ron cried. Soon, every boy in Hogwarts was in the dungeon locked up, even Dumbeldore.

"Why are you here?" Malfoy asked Dumbeldore.

"For being gay. According to Hermione, that's saying that girls aren't good enough for me." Dumbeldore sighed.

"All right maggots!" Hermione walked in and bolted the door closed. "You are all here because you are insensitive to woman!" Hermione said.

"What's our punishment?" Neville asked.

"Are you going to take your top off?" A voice called.

"You all shall be forced to watch..... THE NOTEBOOK!!!!!" Hermione cackled.

"No god no! Not The Notebook!" Harry cried. Hermione pulled over a TV and put the piece-of-crap-boring-as-hell movie in, then pressed play. Just as the movie started to play, the door was ripped from its hinges and Renesmee, Ginny, Pansy Parkinson, Rosalie, Esme, and Bella stormed in. Renesmee picked up the TV and threw it out the window. Bella ripped the bars from the cell doors off and Rosalie freed everyone.

"What are you doing? I'm helping you!" Hermione said. Rosalie stormed over to Hermione and punched Hermione in the face.

"I wanted to do that!" Renesmee said.

"Bitch! Touch my man and I'll kill you!" Rosalie yelled, ran over to Emmett and tackled/kissed him.

"See Malfoy! I've helped rescued you! Now we can get married!" Pansy said to Malfoy.

"Fuck no! Your ugly as hell!" Malfoy said and walked away.

"Finally I get some attention!" Ginny smiled.

"Move over girly, time for the major characters to play!" Renesmee shoved Ginny out of the way.

"Hermione, you are trying to make men notice woman as equals. Which they should do. But, men fawning over girls bodies and thinking all girls are good for is sex is a stereotype. Sure we can't help it, all boys and girls, make fun of one another and have shallow attitudes at one point or another towards their sexuality and body. But, trying to force it on someone will not help. We can start by understanding one another and our differences." Esme said. Everyone was staring at her intently. "And know you know." She said, grabbed Carlisle and walked off.

"I still say we hand her from the ceiling by her toes." Renesmee said.

* * *

Esme is a future philosopher! xD i wanted to do another thing on hermione being a feminist, so here we go. dont forget to tell me what u want the dog to be like, after this chapter im going to stop asking and the dog's type/gender/name shall be reviled! XD

im going to do another "The La Push Show" thing next chapter like back in chapter 78

comment!


	87. The LaPush Show 2

hey i am doing other sub plots! xD i still do the animal bits when i remember them randomly, and i do the renesmee shoots ppl mainly hermione, omfg, i forgot the dumbeldore desk thing xD, lets see, everyone falls on neville..... well those are more jokes than plots lol.

_"The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight CrossOver!" shall appear on Deviant art as "Harry Potter and The Cullens" by Gemini53095, dont panic it isnt an imitator, thats me on deviant art xD if u have a deviant art account, make sure to visit it there! the chapters will be set up differently though_

anyway, its time for another La Push Show!!!!!!!!

and u shall see the dogs breed and name, sorry for those who wanted something else :(

* * *

"Jacob, are you doing another La Push show?" Renesmee asked. Ralph the Bear was next to her.

"Yep. Today's guest are Quil, Embry, my Dad, Sam's dad, and ME!" Jacob read the last, his jaw dropping open.

"Why do you say that?" Renesmee asked.

"Because Quil is illegitimate and might be Embry's brother, my brother, or Sam's brother." Jacob said. He paused and looked at Ralph who seemed to be smiling. "I thought you hung out with Mr. BananaMan and Emmett Ralph." Jacob said.

"Oh, Mr. BananaMan is busy." Renesmee said.

"With what?" Jacob asked. Renesmee moved to the side.

"Die imposer!" Mr. BannaMan was attacking a teddy bear. Ralph was laughing hysterically.

"Uh, OK?" Jacob said.

"Jacob, the show is about to start!" Alice walked in.

"Alice, what are you doing?" Renesmee asked.

"I'm his producer." She said.

"Oh." Renesmee nodded.

"Let's go, let's go!" Alice tapped her foot impatiently.

"Renesmee, is there something you want to tell me?" Jacob asked Jacob asked Renesmee.

"Yes. Don't shit out a canary." Renesmee said wisely and Ralph nodded in agreement.

"Uh, why?" Jacob asked.

"Just take the advice!" Renesmee pushed him out to the make-shift stage that was set up. Jacob sat down ont he couch.

"Welcome to the Jacob show! Today's guest are, Quil, Embry, Sam's dad, my dad, and Me!" Jacob said. Quil, Embry, Sam's Dad, and Jacob's dad were brought out. They sat down in four chairs.

"Jacob, what are you doing?" Embry hissed.

"Nothing Embry, put your shirt back on." Jacob said. Embry had his shirt off, then put it back on.

Meanwhile......

Harry and Emmett were in the roof above the show.

"What are we doing here?" Harry asked.

"Trying to embarrass Jacob! He fired me as a director!" Emmett said.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"The last time I filmed it, I accidentally filmed over it an episode of Teen Titans and sent it out to TV shows producers." Emmett said.

"Is that bad?" Harry asked.

"Yeah! It was a filler episode between the season Raven's Satan dad pops out of her and that Trash Can Brain thing with a monotone voice attacks." Emmett said.

"K. What are you going to do?" Harry asked.

"Make Jacob shit out a canary." Emmett said.

"Emmett that's not possible." Harry said.

"Hey, I don't tell you how to do magic, so you don't tell me how to make people shit out tiny birds." Emmett snapped.

"Well, fine, but can you stop cursing?" Harry asked.

"Shit isn't a curse word. It's just another word for poop." Emmett said matter-of-factly.

Back at the show.....

"Now, Quil, how do you feel about this idea that you might be the illegitimate?" Jacob asked.

"I don't care." Quil shrugged.

"Now don't be like that Quil. Do you need some tissues?" Jacob pulled out a bow of tissues.

"No. I'm fine Jacob." Quil said.

"Really? Are you sure you don't want any?" Jacob said and waved it under his nose.

"I don't need effing tissues!" Quil picked up the box and threw it into the crowd.

"Ow!" Neville yelled.

The crowd oohed.

"Um, OK. Sam's dad, what are your thoughts on this?" Jacob asked.

"Are you my mother?" Sam's dad asked.

"Uh, no." Jacob said.

"When I was your age, we went fishing and called it pond steeling!" Sam's dad said.

"I do not know why he is senile, he's only 53." Embry said.

"OK. Embry, would you like Quil as a brother?" Jacob asked.

"HELL YEAH!" Embry stood up and ripped his shirt off.

"Quil, would you?" Jacob asked.

"No." Quil said. The crowd gasped.

"Why?" Jacob asked.

"He does that when the waiter at Steak 'n Shake asks him if he wants fries." Quil said.

"Do not! I do that if she asks me if I want grapes and apples! I LOVE EATING HEALTHY!" Embry picked up his chair and tossed it into the crowd. The ones in the area it landed in ran away.

"He does that if she forgets ketchup." Quil sighed.

"Well, we are going to ask you guys for some DNA, OK dad?" Jacob asked.

"I'm in a F***ing wheel chair. The last time I had a boner was back in 1979." He said.

"Yeah that's nice dad." Jacob sighed.

"AHHHH!" Emmett fell through the ceiling with Harry. The group jumped back and the crowd cheered.

"What the hell?!" Jacob shouted.

"Hey! I won a wheel chair!" Harry stood up, holding up Billy's wheel chair.

"Give me that you British queer!" Billy grabbed Harry's legs and started to bite them.

"Ah! Here, have it!" Harry tossed him the wheel chair and ran away.

"Not that! I meant your legs!" Billy cried, crawling to him.

Emmett got up and threw a glass of Club Soda in Jacob's face.

"What was that?" Jacob asked.

"Nothing." Emmett said and backed away.

"RUFF!" A dog barked. A Newfoundland dog ran up with a small barrel strapped around his neck. He tackled Embry and started to lick his face.

"Hey! Did some one loose their pooch?" Embry yelled, shoving the the dog off him.

"Bad Boxie! Bad Boxie!" Renesmee walked up, shaking her head.

"Ruff!" Boxie said and jumped off Embry and walked over to Renesmee. Ralph the Bear walked over and looked at Boxie, seeming to glare.

"OK, everyone, get off my stage!" Jacob stood up.

"Here are the results of the DNA test." Alice handed Jacob a folder.

"Wow that was quick! Doesn't it take, like a week for these things to process?" Jacob asked.

"According to cable TV, no." Alice said and walked away.

"OK! Quil's dad is-" Jacob put a great emphasis on pulling out the paper. "Hm. SIRIUS BLACK?!" Jacob read.

"Who?" Quil asked. The crowd moved back. Sirius was in the fourth row chowing down on a box of popcorn, a bunch of blond slutty girls around him.

"Uh. Let's just say. Ladies love Sirius." He chuckled.

"Dad?" Quil asked, his eyes wide.

"Yup." Sirius got up. He pulled out a list and unfolded it. "That makes you child number 87, summer in the west coast went far north. Check." He said and checked a box next to it.

"Wait, you have more kids?" Jacob asked.

"Your his kid too?" Quil gasped.

"I think." Jacob scratched his head.

"But I'm your godson!" Harry said.

"Your not the only one." Sirius chuckled.

"Wait, you have kids?" One of the girls asked.

"Uh, yeah." Sirius said. The girls got up and left. "Wait! Ladies! What part of smexie criminal don't you get?" Sirius asked, then sighed after they left.

"Is the camera still rolling?" Jacob turned to Alice who was directing. Alice nodded.

"Ew! What the hell?!" One if the girls outside yelled.

"Well, hello ladiesssss." Voldemort's voice said.

"Oh, man, my butt." Jacob turned around to look at his butt. A bulge formed.

"Whoa Jacob, do you have a reverse boner? Lucky bastard." Billy growled. The bulge tweeted. Jacob pulled down his pants and a Canary flew out. Jacob fainted and Emmett was laughing his ass off.

"What did I tell you?!" Renesmee threw her hands up.

"Ruff." Boxie shook his head from left to right.

* * *

remember. never shit a canary xD

yes i knoe, i could clean up the language a bit, but... i dont feel like it :-D

reviewz, and check out the story on DeviantART as "Harry Potter and the Cullens"


	88. DDR challenge!

OMG!!!!!!!! i think my house may be haunted! :O i was making pancakes (:3) and I arranged them in a circle on the plate and put them in the microwave but they didnt fit and the only other person in the house at the time was my brother but he was playing his xbox 360, and i went into the living room and could hear him yelling at the TV, then when i went to get my pancakes, they were perfectly stacked straight up xD thank u ghost for caring.

i saw the new halloween movie, its OK, but Micheal Myers is way too much like Jason in it, all obsessed about his dead mom, do yourself a favor ppl and GO SEE THE ORIGINAL!!!!!!

* * *

Edward was drinking something.

"Edward, what are you drinking?" Harry asked.

"Your mother's blood! hic!" He said and poured the mysterious drink all over him.

"He's drinking beer." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because I gave him some." Renesmee snapped.

"Well, isn't that illegal?" Harry asked.

"Nope. He's over 21." Renesmee said.

"No he isn't he's 17." Harry said.

"Oh. Crap." Renesmee said.

"Edward there you are." Bella walked over.

"Bella, I want a divorce." Edward slurred.

"Uh, what." Bella said, her voice hinting anger.

"I-I-I, hic, am too young to get married." He said.

"Edward, you wanted to marry me!" Bella said.

"Oh. Oh yeah! I marry you, and I have sex with you! Oh yeah I remember. Twilight is an advocate for sex after marriage." He said, and stumbled on his feet.

"Well duh, it was written by a Mormon." Renesmee said.

"Oh. So is JK Rowler a- hic, satanist?" Edward asked.

BAM!

Viktor Krum smashed through the wall on his floating boat.

"Where is Hermione? I finally learned how to pronounce her name right and I want to profess my lover for her!" Viktor said.

"Hermione!? That ugly bitch?!" Renesmee's jaw dropped.

"Viktor Crumblycake? What are you doing here?" Ron walked over to Harry.

"I am here to marry Hermione!" He said. Hermione walked up.

"Who said my name?" She asked.

"Hermione! Will you marry me?" Viktor got on one knee and pulled out the biggest engagement ring ever. Ron's face turned the color of his hair.

"Hey you Russian hoe! Hermione is my girl!" Ron said.

"Hey! I find that offensive!" Rasputin said.

"How?" Harry asked.

"He isn't Russian! Just because his name is spelled with a K in it, does not make him Russian!" Rasputin said.

"Your mother is Russian!" Edward said and started to laugh.

"Well, let's find out. Viktor, would you drink Vodka, beat your wife, grow a goatee, and, um, make snow angels?" Renesmee asked.

"As American's would say, HELL YEAH!" Viktor said.

"That's what I'm talking about!" Ivan said and the two highfived each other.

"Hey, can we get back to this story's only plot that is obvious?!" Hermione hissed.

"My necklace I use to travel through universes is broken!" Amerina's voice called.

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Anyway, will you marry me?" Viktor asked.

"Um." Hermione said.

"No, she's not going to marry you. In America the legal marrying age is 18." Ron stuck his tongue out.

"We're in Britain." Emmett said.

"Oh. Same thing right?" Ron shrugged.

"Fine then, I challenge you to a duel! The winner get's Hermione!" Viktor said.

"Deal!" Ron said and the two shook hands.

"Good, I challenge you to a duel of.....DDR!" Viktor said and the crowd gasp.

"What is that?" Ron asked. A giant DDR platform appeared.

"Ron! Don't do it! Viktor is the DDR champion of Eastern Europe, New Zealand, and Antartica!" Renesmee said.

"What the hell is DDR?!" Ron asked.

"This spoof seems awfully familiar." Emmett said.

"_Co-ray in the house!" _A far off voice said.

"Well, no one important lives in those places anyway." Ron shook his head. Everyone gasped. "What?" Ron asked and looked around. Victor was crying.

"How dare you say Penguins are not important! I was going to go easy on you, but now, I shall definitely strap on my crazy legs!" Viktor growled. The game started up.

"I still do not know what this is!" Ron said.

"I'm serious Bella, you, you could use a good lift. How, hic, old are you?" Edward asked.

"I'm 18!" Bella snapped. She turned around to see Ivan staring at her. "What?" She asked.

"Wanna get married?" He asked.

"She's taken Super Evil Santa!" Edward said. Ivan walked away then.

"Now, players, face each other." The game said. Viktor turned to Ron. They placed their hands in front of them. "I want a clean game, no double kick twists, elbow flip jumps, or chin busters. Players, go." The game said.

"I must brake you." Viktor said as they smacked fists. They turned to the screen.

_"Mum mum mum mah." _The dong started.

Soon, the arrows popped up and the two started to dance. Viktor's feet were moving at such great speed, they were almost invisible. Ron looked at him, desperately trying to keep up. Viktor sighed. Ron glared, and started to gain up to Viktor.

_"Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face." _The song said as the song went on it got harder. Viktor looked over and saw Ron catching up to him. He increased his level of difficulty, and spun around to get a hit, and knocked Ron over.

"Hey! That was a double kick twist!" Emmett said.

"Not recognized." The game said.

'Oh no. I'm going to lose now. I need help.' Ron said.

'Use the force Ron!' Renesmee's voice said inside his mind.

'Uh, what?' Ron asked.

"Cheat Bitch!" Renesmee yelled into his ear. Ron got scared by it and jumped up, flailing his arms, knocking over Viktor, and gaining a lead on him. Ron ended up wining.

"You won! You won!" Hermione ran over to him and kissed him. Everyone gasped, but Renesmee made a gagging noise. Viktor got up.

"I swear Ronald Weasly, I shall never forget your name for this humiliating defeat! I shall return, regain my honor, and my woman!" Viktor said, then left on his ship.

"Yay! I have an enemy! Just like Harry! Do I get my own book series yet?" Ron asked.

"Nope." Harry said.

"Uh, I have a lover now. How about?" He turned to Bella.

"No." Bella laughed.

"Well, Ron, that was a one time thing. I just didn't want to tell Viktor no." Hermione said. Ron looked at her.

"Wow, you are a bitch." He said.

"And a skank." Renesmee said.

"Am not!" Hermione said. Renesmee shot Hermione in the face.

"It's been too long since you've died." Renesmee said and walked away.

* * *

there is nothing for me to say xD

review plz


	89. Dentist Appointment

i went to the dentist today, no cavitites :D but i have to go back to fix my crowning n one tooth that got knocked loose when i was kicked in the face on accident (long story) while playing dodge ball. yes, how does that happen? when u give fat kids monster.

so, that inspired me, the dentist thing not kicked in the face thing

* * *

"Renesmee! It's time to go see the Dentist!" Bella said.

"OK, when?" Renesmee asked.

"Today, let's go." Bella said.

"No! Please! Oh god no!" Renesmee started to cry.

"Don't worry, I'll come with you and get my teeth looked at." Emmett said.

"Me too! I haven't been to the dentist in over 13 years." Harry said.

"Well duh, your British." Renesmee said and the four left.

At the dentist....

The four sat in the waiting room. Harry was reading a Dr. Seuss book. Emmett was fiddling with his hands and Bella was going through her purse.

"Renesmee your up." The Dentist's helper said. Renesmee got up and sat down on the chair. "So, Renesmee, do you mind if I have to stick my finger in your mouth to help scrae away the plaque?" The lady asked.

"Uh, are you British?" Renesmee asked.

"No, I'm from Detroit." She said.

"That'll do." Renesmee shrugged, then nodded yes.

"Emmett, we'll come see you now." A second helper said. Emmett said down. He opened his mouth.

"Oh my god! Your teeth!" She pointed.

"Yeah?" Emmett asked.

"They're, perfect! Wow!" She gazed at them.

"Uh, k?" He asked.

"Let me just prod them with this ti determine if they may have internal decay." She pulled out a giant pick thing.

"AHHHHH!!!!!!!" Emmett jumped up, threw the chair at her and ran into the bathroom.

The dentist was looking at Harry's teeth.

"Tsk tsk tsk." He said.

"Wha?" Harry asked.

"Your teeth! These are the nastiest teeth I've ever seen! It's a wonder they are still in your mouth! Look!" He showed them. They were all brown and black.

"Isn't that what they are supposed to look like, wait-" Harry looked at the name tag on his coat. "Are you Hermione's dad?" He gawked.

"Are you Harry her friend?" He asked.

"Yeah." Harry said.

"Oh, anyway, I will have to operate on your teeth right away." The Dentist said and Harry was strapped to the chair.

"Nice teeth Renesmee! You are free to go." She said.

"Thanks." Renesmee walked over to Bella. "Mom, where are they?" She asked.

"Still getting their teeth looked at." Bella grumbled.

"EMMETT! OPEN THE DOOR!" The nurse said.

"No!" Emmett cried. The sink was on and over flowing. The nurse broke open the door and the lights flickered on and off quickly.

"I NEED TO OPERATE!" She said in a slow dark voice.

"Drill." The Dentist held out his hand.

"Drill." The Helper handed him the drill. He dug away at Harry's teeth.

"Sand which." The Dentist asked. The Helper handed him a sandwhich. The Dentist pulled down his mask and took a bite, then put it down.

"Good. We are done here." He pulled back. Harry had on old-time braces that had to be bolted to your head and held his mouth open, binding the teeth together.

"Ho lon o I ave o eep is n?" Harry gurgled.

"A month or two." The Dentist said.

"uck it, I'll go to the izard opital." Harry said and got up. The other Helper from the bathroom was thrown back then and bashed through the wall. Emmett ran in with the pick

"Ha ha! I win!" He roared.

"Sir! What are you do-"

Emmett stabbed the Dentist with the pick. The Dentist looked at the small wound, then fainted.

"Emmett! That's Hermione's dad!" Harry yelled and jumped up.

"Oh. Oops." He said.

"You guys! Hurry up!" Bella yelled. They ran into the waiting room and left.

Back at Hogwarts....

Hermione was crying.

"Wha ong Herm?" Harry asked.

"My dad was attacked by one of his patients!" Hermione said.

"Aw, too bad." Emmett said.

* * *

thats what u get hwen I do a rushed job on something

review!


	90. Happy Effing Birthday

k ppl, thanks again for the reviews :D

I HAVE ANOTHER POLL! xD plz check it out

I ALSO HAVE A NEW STORY! xD It's called "A Price to Pay", plz plz plz plz plz read it *begs*

sry for the late update, my friend M. had her bday party today so yeah. everyone is older then me T_T

* * *

Renesmee was putting frosting on a cake with Hermione's name on it.

"You making Hermione a cake? Why?" Bella asked.

"Um. Why did you fall in love with dad?" Renesmee asked.

"Good point." Bella said.

"I herd the word cake!" Ron came running in with Emmett.

"Hm, frosting!" Emmett reached over to lick it.

"No Emmett! It's not frosting!" Renesmee slapped Emmett's hand.

"Well then what is it?" Ron lifted up the frosting tube. "Super Glue!" He read.

"Hey guys!" Hermione waved as she walked in. Renesmee raised the cake.

"Happy Hump Day!" Renesmee shoved the cake in Hermione's face.

"Ah!" Hermione tried to shake it off but it stuck. Emmett burst out laughing. Hermione took a giant chunk not stuck to her face and tossed it in Emmett's direction. Dumbeldroe was walking by and got hit instead.

"Why did some one throw cake at me?" Dumbeldore walked over.

"Oh! Head Master! I'm so sorry I ment to-" Hermione stuttered.

"Your expelled! Now, why wont it come off my face?" He looked around.

"I'm....I'm....what?" She said, eye twitching.

"Your expelled." Emmett said.

"Cool! Can I take your bed?" Renesmee asked.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT EXPELLED!!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione grabbed Emmett and tossed him across to room, foam forming around her mouth.

"Psycho Bi-" Emmett yelled before he smashed into the wall. She tackled Bella and started to rip her hair out.

"Hey! I need my hair!" Bella kicked Hermione off of her. Hermione jumped back and landed on the wall, crouching down on it hissing.

"I got her!" Renesmee shot Hermione with a shot gun. She missed and Hermione started to run along the wall like an animal, Renesmee trying to shoot Hermione as she went. Hermione leaped at Renesmee and she shot then, killing Hermione. Hermione fell to the ground, the cake still stuck to her face. Renesmee bent down and whipped some cake onto her finger and ate it.

"Shaken. Not stirred." She said in an English accent.

* * *

random again xD


	91. Sports

sorry that i haven't updated in a while, i was editing TUHPCO the movie, and working on my other story A Price to Pay, (cough, hint, cough) and i was editing this story on deviant art (another hint!)

you guys r gonna luvvvv the movie :3

ive been worried lately that more stories are copying this story, so, if my readers would be so nice, go forth and check out the other crack HP and Twilight stories for me plz, b/c i dont read fanfics like i used to and if i do they are naruto fanfics xD that would be nice if you did though :D

anyway STORAY TIME! :D

* * *

Emmett and Rosalie were playing Tennis. Emmett was wearing a short skirt and a sports bra while Rosalie was wearing normal close.

"Emmett, why are you dressed like that?" Rosalie asked.

"Because." Emmett said.

"Because?" Rosalie asked.

"I have to!" He said and served the ball. They went back and forth for a while, Emmett grunting loudly. Then, Rosalie caught the ball.

"FOUL!" She yelled.

"What?" Emmett asked.

"You stepped on the line!" Rosalie said, pointing. Indeed so Emmett's foot was on the line.

"F**K THE LINE!" He yelled, waving the racket.

"Nope. Foul." Rosalie crossed her arms.

"God DAMMIT!" Emmett threw the racket and stormed off.

"Ow!" Neville yelled.

Edward, Harry, and Bella were playing Golf. Harry was the Caddie.

"So, let's try and hit that." Bella pointed to a far off tree and pulled out a golf club.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Edward stopped her.

"About to play some Golf." Bella said.

"Girls can't play golf. The name says so." Edward said.

"What?" Bella asked.

"Golf. Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden." Edward said.

"That's dumb Edward." Bella put her hands on her heads.

"Nope. Can't play." Edward said. Bella grabbed her club and hit Edward upside the head with it and he fell down.

"Good shot." Harry said. Bella walked off.

"Why is everyone playing sports?" Renesmee asked. She was in Dumbeldore's office watching.

"It's spring time." Dumbeldore said.

"Oh. That's dumb." Renesmee said. A group of kids zoomed by on their brooms. They turned around to zoom back the way they came. Renesmee opened the window and held out a baseball bat. As one kids came toward her unknowingly she hit him with it and he fell down, then she grabbed his broom and zoomed off with it.

"Dude, where's my broom?" The kid said to his friends who landed to help him.

Renesmee landed in front of Ron, Harry, Emmett, Rosalie, Edward, and Bella.

"Renesmee? Why did you steal that guys broom?" Bella demanded.

"Why did you marry Dad?" Renesmee demanded.

"Huh?" Bella asked.

A giant Gundam flew over then playing old show tunes and singing along.

"Take me with you!" Emmett yelled running after it.

* * *

i couldnt think of a way to end it xD

review plz :3

next chapter they visit Zafrina an Snape looses his mind xD


	92. Giant Mosquito

sorry for not updating yesterday, wait, did I? i cant remember my brain is fried from school xP

so anyway, in this chappie snape goes BONKERS!

* * *

"Hey mom! Zafrina sent us a letter! She wants us to visit her in the Amazon!" Renesmee help up a letter.

"How did you get a letter here?" Bella asked.

"An owl sent me it." Renesmee said.

"Uh. OK. Sure we can visit her!" Bella said.

"She also said to bring as many friends as possible. So, can Harry and Pals, Dumbeldore, and Snape come?" Renesmee asked.

"Since when were they your friends? Especially Hermione!" Bella asked.

"Since when were you so nosy?" Renesmee asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"Can we come?" Emmett jumped out of the wall.

"Everyone can come!" Renesmee said.

They convinced Bella, Emmett, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Snape, and Dumeldore went. The rest of the Cullen's didn't want to go.

"We shouldn't go! Exams are coming up, and we'll miss important school time!" Hermione said.

"School schmool!" Ron said, dragging her away.

They arrived in South America a few hours later.

"There better be Twitter were we are going!" Snape said. They followed Zafrina's directions and walked through the rain forest, The Vampire's easily but the humans kept freaking out. Dumbeldore had on a giant gardening hat, sunglasses, and was dressed like a Tourist in a Hawaiian flower shirt and shorts.

"Head Master, how come you agreed to come?" Harry asked.

"I need a vacation." Dumbeldore said.

They arrived in a clearing were three small huts had been built.

"Hello? Any one here?" Renesmee called. Out of no ware a person tackled Snape.

"AH!!!" Snape yelled.

"Kachiri, get off of him!" Zafrina appeared with Senna. Kachiri immediately jumped off of Snape.

"Sorry. I thought you were a snack." Kachiri said.

"No, gulp, problem." Snape said.

"Nessie! It's been so long!" Zafrina hugged Renesmee.

"Yup, these are out friends. Please refrain from killing Hermione, the one with the bush on her head. No matter how annoying she gets." Renesmee said. The three nodded.

"Well, come! We must eat! We even got food for you humans." Zafrina said and they walked into one of the huts which inside was bigger than it looked outside. For the vampires they had a giant jaguar and for the humans a giant bowl of green stuff.

"What is this?" Snape pointed to the brew.

"Bug soup. This book told us humans love soup!" Senna held up a cook book from the 1800's.

"Dig in." Renesmee said.

"What about you?" Harry pointed.

"I'm half vampire! Jaguar for me!" Renesmee skipped off.

After the meal they settled down outside to tell stories.

"And then, the snake tried to bite me! But I easily grabbed it and ate it like a noodle." Kachiri said, the Vampire's hanging on her every word. Snape rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to go for a walk." Snape said.

"Stay to the trails and watch for animals!" Zafrina said after him.

"Yeah, yeah." Snape said and walked into the forest. He walked the way for a while.

"Now, let me tell you off, the giant mosquito." Zafrina said. Everyone leaned forward. "Every night, since this forest came to be, a giant Mosquito will come out of it's nest and will bite any human it comes across. I have seen it with my own two eyes, it is the size of a panther, with a sucker as long as a Boa Constrictor!" Zafrina said.

"What happens to those who are bitten?" Emmett asked.

"They lose their minds." Zafrina said slowly.

Meanwhile.....

"Effing bugs." Snape muttered, swatting a few bugs. There was a large buzzing noise and Snape turned around to see the Giant Mosquito flying slowly toward him. "Holy SHIT!" Snape cried, peeing his pants. He turned to run but the mosquito's sucker unraveled and bit him for a few minuets, then it turned around and left. He swayed were he was at, then tried to walk, and he looked down. He saw tiney panda's bitting his legs with giant blue sunglasses on.

"AHHH!" Snape ran and fell down a small hill and hit his head on a tree. He got up slowly and saw small blue birds fluttering around him.

"Twitter, Twitter, Twitter." They sang. Snape jumped to his feet and they turned to him, then morphed into Vultures and attacked him. He ran, screaming, and fell into a pit of quick sand.

They group back in the clearing herd him screaming.

"That must be Snape." Ron said.

"He probably ran into an animal. Let's go." Zafrina stood up.

"Naw, let him get mauled." Harry said. Everyone else got up and ignored him as they walked into the forest.

"What if he got bit by the Giant Mosquito?" Renesmee asked Zafrina.

"Now don't be silly." Zafrina waved off Renesmee.

Snape slowly crawled out of the quick sand pit, covered in black mud.

"Haha!" Emmett hacked at a bush with a machete. He was dressed like a turn of the century English Explorer.

"Cournal Mustard, why are you dressed like that?" Bella asked.

"I always had this outfit but never actually got to wear it!" Emmett said. They came across a fork in the road.

"OK, looks like we're going to have to split up. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Emmett, Dumeldore go that way. Kachiri, Senna, Renesmee, Bella, and I will got to the left." Zafrina said. They agreed and split up.

Snape walked around the forest, muttering Mexico's national Anthem to himself.

"Kill them. Kill them." The tree's said to him.

"Huh?" He stooped infront of one.

"Kill em!" The tree said.

"Why?" Snape asked. Dumeldore's group arrived then.

"Oh good lord, he's talking to a tree." Dumeldore said.

"Snape! There you are!" Emmett yelled. Snape spun around and hissed bird calls, then jumped on the tree limb and ran off.

"That was weird." Ron said.

"Yeah I didn't know he was so flexible!" Harry gawked. There was a loud buzzing noise. Hermione turned around.

"Emmett, do you have any bug spray?" She asked.

"Yup!" Emmett pulled some out and turned around. "Why?" He asked and Hermione pointed. Everyone else turned around too. The Giant Mosquito was flying toward them slowly. Emmett looked at his tiny can.

"We're going to need a bigger can of bug spray." He said slowly.

"RUN!" Ron screamed like a girl and high tailed it out of there. Everyone copied his smart desition and ran after him.

Snape jumped from limb to limb, he stopped and landed down on a tall hill then let out a wolf's howl that rang out across the forest which was dark now.

Zafrina stopped and looked around slowly.

"There!" She pointed to the hill. Dumbeldore's group burst through the forest then in front of them.

"Oh god it was horrible!" Emmett sobbed.

"I think we out ran it!" Ron panted.

"Where's Hermione?" Harry looked around.

Hermione was stumbling around the forest, lost.

"What was horrible?" Senna asked.

"The giant mosquito! We saw it!" Emmett said.

"What are you talking about?!" Zafrina demanded.

There was a loud buzzing noise and the Giant Mosquito appeared flying to them slowly.

"That thing is REAL?!" Zafrina yelled. Bella grabbed Zafrina and slapped her two times aross the face.

"Your playing your mind games on us aren't you?!" Bella yelled.

"If I was you wouldn't be able to see it!" Zafrina said.

"Oh yeah." Bella said.

"Uh guys, that GIANT mosquito is flying toward us." Emmett said.

"That's right. RUN! Again!" Zafrina yelled and they took off. They ran up the hill Snape was at. Suddenly, they were captured by a giant net that sprang out of the ground made out of mud and twigs. They were hung up by a rope attached to a tree.

"Uh, did we just get owned by a forest?" Ron asked. Snape jumped down, smacking his fists to his chest like King-Kong, then he started to prowl around them on all fours.

"You! Snapple, let us go!" Zafrina ordered.

"Shut it wench!" Snape growled. There was a buzzing noise and the giant mosquito appeared.

"Oh shit! It's the Giant Mosquito! Snape! Let us go!" Renesmee yelled. Snape was to busy bowing to the mosquito. There was a crack of thunder and it started to pour.

"That's right! This is a rain forest! I forgot it did that!" Zafrina said. The mud on the net broke form the moisture and they fell down. Emmett grabbed the mosquito and easily killed it.

"What?!" He yelled at it's dead body. Kachiri walked up to Snape who swiped at her, meowing. She picked up a rock and threw it at his head. It hit him and he fell to the ground. He rubbed his head, then sat up.

"Ow, my head." He said, a large bruise swelled across his forehead.

The group went back to the clearing and found Hermione being attacked by a Boa Constrictor. Emmett happily killed it and they saved her against Renesmee's protests.

The rest of their stay they traveled around the forest going swimming, throwing Hermione of Waterfalls then grabbing her before she died (they did that twice). But left a few days alter.

"I had a fun time." Renesmee said as they left the airport.

"Speak for yourself." Snape said.

* * *

the giant mosquito does not exist, i made that up xD it would be cool but creepy if it did.

commento! :D


	93. Return to Random Land

ok, next chapter time :D

i have another story!! T_T no one is checking it out like i am asking them to! its called: A Price to Pay!! :D its about a disturbed Renesmee xD i love writing i the perspective of crazy ppl :D

anyway *cough* it's called a price to pay *cough* in the last chapter "Colonel Mustard" was a reference to Colonel Mustard from the game Clue :D

storrrrrrry timez

* * *

"Let' go!" Emmett strapped on a bungee cord and jumped off the Hogwarts Tower.

"YEAH!" He yelled, but the cord snapped and he fell to the ground.

"Oh gawd!" Neville's jaw dropped and Emmett fell on top of him. There was large crash and a creator formed. Emmett got up and Neville was in a million pieces.

"WHY?!!!!" Emmett picked up Neville's leg then his arm and screamed to the sky.

"We can rebuild him. We have the technology." Carlilse said, Neville was on an operating table with Carlisle and Madame Pomfery looking down on him.

"But doctor, I love you!" Madame Pomfery said.

"I'm sorry. I'm married." Carlisle said.

"Oh lawd! Is he OK?" Hermione asked.

"Ruff!" Harry barked, he was a dog.

"Here is your uncle." Carlisle wheeled out Neville dressed in a trench coat and a press hat.

"Uncle? Can you hear me?" Hermione asked. Neville made a breathing noise and turned his head slowly to Hermione.

"Yes Master." He said in a deep voice. "Master, did Padme survive?" Neville asked.

"Uh, who?" Hermione asked.

"Go go gadget Pimp Slap!" Neville said and back handed Hermione.

"Ruff!" Harry said then proceed to lick himself. Neville picked up Harry and Drop-Kicked him out the window. The door burst open and Edward walked in dressed like the Terminator.

"Astalavista, baby!" He yelled and pulled out a flame thrower.

"He doesn't say that!" Neville said before he was incinerated. Spiderman crashed through the window.

"Doc Oc! Your rein of terror is over!" He said, jumped in the air, spun around like a Ballerina and kicked Edward in the face.

"RONALD WEASLY!!!" Ron's mother screamed then.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Ron yelled and fell off his bed. He looked around. He had been sleeping.

"What a weird dream." He muttered to himself.

"Hey were do I put this?" Emmett held up a block of wood that looked like a hand and Ron fainted.

* * *

lots of references there :D i decided to do a random chappie again cuz thats my second speciality. first one is cliffhangers (clears throat, A Price to Pay)


	94. To the Zoo!

i have a legitimate reason for not updating! :D I went to the zoo! xD we went to see the bears and one looked at me like he was going to eat me :O and my brother almost got in a fight with the ostrich and the camels spit on my friend who went with us xD they dont want to be named lol

so this is where this idea comes in :D

* * *

"Renesmee, you have a visitor." Emmett said to Renesmee. They were in the great hall.

"Who?" Renesmee asked.

"You." Emmett moved to the side to reveal the army of Renesmee's.

"Me! What are you guys doing back?!" Renesmee jumped up.

"Uh, you told us to come back in a month." They said.

"Oh it's been a month already? Wait, there were a million of you and now there's only like, five thousand of you." Renesmee counted.

"Yeah, there was a plane and it was going to crash and we needed some one to cushion the fall." They all said at once.

"You know what that means?" Renesmee asked.

"What?" They said including Emmett.

"We go to the zoo." Renesmee said.

"I WANNA GO!" Edward ran up and jumped in Renesmee's arms

"No Edward or Emmett, they cant go. Last time they nearly killed all the animals in the zoo!" Bella said.

"Oh well." Renesmee shrugged and left with herself.

--------------

They arrived at the zoo a few hours later. "OK me, meet up at the cafe during lunch!" Original Renesmee said, handing out maps.

"OK!" They all said at once and ran off. An old man stared at them.

"Kids, they grow up so fast." Renesmee turned to him and patted his head.

"Mahaha!" Emmett and Edward snuck in when Renesmee left.

"Wow! So this is a zoo!" Ron looked around with Harry.

"Rose, what are you doing here?" Emmett demanded.

"I've never been to a zoo before." Ron shrugged.

"Well, whatever." Emmett shrugged and left. Edward was already gone.

"Mmmmm, dippin' dots!" Fat-Renesmee saw the dippin' dots stand and walked over. "One please!" She said and slapped down a five.

"Sure little girl." The person said and handed her her nitrogen frozen ice cream. She wandered off and ate it.

Emmett stopped in front of the Bear's habitat. He glared at the bear.

"So, smokey, we meet again." He growled, hopped over the fence and raced in.

"AHHH!!!" Red-head Renesmee ran by as an ostrich chased her.

"Get 'em!" Black-Renesmee cackled, riding the Ostrich.

Tall-Renesmee was straining her neck to be as tall as the giraffes.

Ron was making faces to the monkeys. One monkey got mad and grabbed his shirt then started to yank on it and Ron kept hitting his head against the bar.

"Snakes!" The snake house door flew open and everyone raced out as Snakes poured out.

"Not again!" Harry cried, standing behind them.

Fat-Renesmee was at a stand that had been abandoned and was eating all of the food.

"Ow, my head." Ron opened his eyes. He was in the Gorilla cage hanging upside down by his undies from a tree and the Gorilla's were sniffing him.

Original-Renesmee walked by and herd the bear roaring. She walked up to see Emmett giving the Bear a noogie.

"How you like me now bitch?!" Emmett yelled.

"EMMETT!" Renesmee yelled. The Bear broke out of the hold and ran off.

"Oh. Hi Nessie!" Emmett smiled.

"Don't high Nessie me!" Renesmee yelled. Asian-Renesmee walked up.

"Uh, Renesmee, we accidentaly let some of the animals out." She said.

"Shut up and go eat some sushi. Guess I'll have to fix this!" Renesmee said and walked off.

-----------------

They were driving back to the school. Ron was strapped to the hood of the car and the 5,000 Renesmee's weren't there, Edward, Emmett, and Renesmee were covered in blood,

"We will never speak of this. Comprende?" Renesmee asked.

"El Comprendo." Edward nodded slowly.

"Man! Did you see that explosion?!" Emmett yelled happily.

"Emmett! Shut up! We're not talking about this!" Renesmee yelled at him, driving.

"Renesmee, when did you learn to drive?" Edward asked.

"Same time I got my nurses degree." Renesmee said. Emmett licked some off the blood from his shoulder and tasted it.

"Hm! Renesmee, you taste yummy! Like Dippin' Dots!" He said.

"EMMETT!" Renesmee roared.

"Oh, sorry." Emmett quieted down.

* * *

gee I wonder what they did

comment xD

dippin's dots is a type of ice cream :D


	95. Voodoo Class

omg ur right i forgot harry in the last chapter xD sometimes i dont pay attention when i type :D

some guy from MTV came to our school today but i didnt go because i had to go back to the dentist to fix one of my crowning's (remember? fat guy kicked it during dodge ball) oh well, my brother went and said it was just some comedian and a bunch of producers, wait if i went i could have show them the written version of this and i could have gotten on tv T_T oh well :D again

* * *

"I'm a biker!" Edward raced around on his shiny motorcycle.

"You are not! You don't belong to the Hells Angels!" Jasper said.

"He's such a copy cat. I wanted to be a biker." Bella grumbled.

"Hells Angels are wimps! Everyone knows that you want to belong to The Sons of Anarchy!" Renesmee said.

"Nessie, The Sons of Anarchy aren't real." Bella said.

"If they aren't real then New York City isn't." Renesmee said.

"Huh?" Bella asked but Renesmee was gone.

----------

"Ruff!" Boxie wagged his tail as Renesmee walked by.

"Hi doggie!" Hermione walked up to Bowie.

"Ruff!" Boxie tackled Hermione and started to maul Hermione.

"Ah!!! Renesmee! Help!" Hermione screamed.

"Yeah, um. I taught him to hate you." Renesmee said.

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Because I can't find the time to kill you normally so I had to find a way somehow." Renesmee shrugged.

"Renesmee! Your gonna pay!" Hermione yelled as Boxie ripped her arm off.

------------

Ron had a Barbie play house open an had a series of toys on the ground. There was a doll Ron, doll Harry, doll Hermione, doll Renesmee, doll Bella, doll Edward, doll Emmett, doll Rosalie, doll Malfoy, and doll Snape.

"Oh Ron! I love you so much! Your so handsome!" Ron said as Doll Hermione.

"Yeah Ron! And your so strong! I'm just a weak, scarred up, glasses wearing, freak!" Doll Harry said.

"Hear Ron, why don't I kiss you?" Doll Hermione asked.

"No way! I want to!" Doll Rosalie said.

"Me too!" Doll Bella said and Ron made kissing noises and rubbed the dolls together.

"I'm going to shoot something, then get molested by that Indian guy that is never around anymore!" Doll Renesmee said and Ron tossed her aside.

"Totally dude! Dude!" Doll Emmett said in a surfer's voice.

"Then I'm going to quote Shakespeare!" Doll Edward said.

"Ronald Weasley, I am so very sorry for being a total prick to you, you are handsomer, cooler, awesomer, and in every way better than me, Malfoy." Doll Malfoy said.

"And I'm sorry I am so ugly." Doll Snape said. The door flew open and Renesmee and Emmett walked in.

"Ron, Emmett wants to know if you are Ron Stoppable from Kim Possible." Renesmee said.

"Uh, no." Ron said and tried to hide the Doll's behind his back.

"Hey! I get their names now!" Emmett said.

"Are you playing with Dolls?" Renesmee asked.

"No! Psh." Ron rolled his eyes. Renesmee held up Doll Emmett.

"And now I am disturbed." Emmett said.

"Those are for, um, for, voodoo class!" Ron lied.

"No wonder my butt always hurts!" Emmett said.

"Oh, OK. What's the Barbie Dream House for?" Renesmee pointed.

"It's a present." Ron lied.

"For who?" Renesmeee asked.

"Uh, Emmett." Ron said.

"Oh boy! A present!" Emmett picked up the Barbie Dream House and threw it out the window.

At the same time Edward drove by. There was a screeching noise then the wall vibrated.

"I'm OK!" He yelled.

"What did you do that for?!" Ron demanded.

"Because I was going to return it but then I remembered we blew up Wal-Mart." Emmett shrugged and walked away.

"Have fun with your dolls." Renesmee said and left.

* * *

nothing to say here other than: COMMENT!


	96. Toys backwards R Us

i was reading this hilarious article about inappropriate toys yesterday and i have to do a thing about them xD

* * *

"Hey Renesmee! Guess what?" Carlisle walked up.

"Gee, I have no freaking clue." Renesmee said.

"I went to Toys R Us-"

"You said it wrong." Renesmee said.

"What?" Carlisle asked.

"The R is backwards, You said a forward R." Renesmee said.

"How do you say a backwards R?" Carlisle asked.

"I don't know." Renesmee shrugged.

"Yeah, anyway, I went to Toys R Us and found these funny toys for you." Carlisle handed her the bag.

"Mom has special Toys." Renesmee said.

"OK." Carlisle said slowly. Renesmee reached in and pulled out a doll in a box with a picture of her on a pole.

"Wow." She opened it and put it on the counter and pressed on. It started to swing around the pole. Renesmee jumped back. Ron was sitting there with five dollars

"Take your top off!" He said angrily.

Renesmee reached into the bag and pulled out a baby with orange hair all over it.

"Wow, he needs to go to the spa!" Alice pointed.

"Check out that Beaver!" Rosalie gawked.

"It's a guy." Renesmee said and Rosalie's jaw dropped. Renesmee reached back in an pulled out a barbie. She pulled the sring on the back.

"Math class is tough!" She said.

"Hell yeah it is!" Renesmee said and tossed it away.

"Oh boy a girlfriend!" Neville said. She pulled out an inflatable punching bag with wolverine on it.

"Here you go Harry." Renesmee handed it to Harry to blow up. He started to and everyone was laughing their asses off because the inflating tube was by Wolverine's private.

"Amateur." Rosalie rolled her eyes. Renesmee pulled out a Tarzan doll and pressed on. He yelled and moved his hand from his waist to his chest.

"Holy Bajessus!" Jasper gawked.

"Looks like Emmett!" Edward said. Tarzan looked like he was having fun with himself. Renesmee pulled out a baby doll.

"Ah! Save the baby!" Emmett tackled it and tried to take it out of the package. Emmet ripped the box off and grabbed the baby doll then started to give it CPR.

"Emmett, that's a doll." Ron said.

"Shut up and watch that doll pole dance!" Emmett snapped.

"Maybe I will!" Ron said.

"Emmett, that's an actual doll." Renesmee said.

"Oh. It looks like a real baby!" Emmett held it up by it's foot.

"Give me that!" Rosalie snatched it and started to pet it, her mouth foaming and eye twitching.

A car appared flying to the window and crashed in.

"Ah! Terrorist Attack!" Emmett dove out of the way. The car hit Edward and came to a stop. Edward was still standing and looked fine.

"Ow." He said. The car was the rental car the Cullen's had.

"WEEE!" Hagrid said at the drivers seat.

"Hagrid? When did you learn to drive?" Harry demanded.

"Grand Theft Auto taught me!" Hagrid said and held up a PSP.

"Ah." Harry nodded wisely.

"Well, I'm off to make some Pimp's cry." Hagrid said and put his sun glasses on and left.

"You guys! I know who did this!" Emmett pointed to the car.

"Yeah Hagrid did." Renesmee said.

"No! The Government did!" Emmett waved his hands. Renesmee held up the pole dancing doll and Emmett gawked at it.

* * *

sry for the short chapter xD

hopefully the next one will be longer

el commente!


	97. Propane Nazi :D

ive never seen get smart so i cant put it in this sry thunderstar xD yep and in my grammar class yesterday our grammar teacher talked to us about 9/11 and this one girl whose dad is in the army started crying b/c when it happened she thought he was going to get hurt and i was like, bitch we were in first grade when it happened you didnt care xD lol i didnt know 9/11 happened until i was in fourth grade, is that sad? i dont think so :D i didnt know about pearl harbor until third grade and i thought the civil war was between south america and north america when i was in second grade xD

* * *

"Ow, my tummy!" Renesmee grabbed her stomach.

"Have you started your period?" Bella asked hopefully.

"Hell no mom I'm half vampire." Renesmee said.

"How am I supposed to have kids then?" Jacob asked.

"Who said I was going to marry you?" Renesmee asked.

"Me when I imprinted you." Jacob said.

"That's racist." Renesmee sniffed.

"How?" Jacob asked.

"Your a Nazi." Renesmee pointed.

"NAZI!" Everyone around screamed and ran.

"Am not!" Jacob said.

"Yeah you are Hitler." Renesmee said.

"I'm Native American!" Jacob threw his hands up.

"Yep, your racist." Renesmee nodded and left.

-------

"Emmett, Jacob is a Nazi." Renesmee said to Emmett who was sitting in a chair. The chair turned around slowly.

"We in the killin' Nazi's business, and son, businesses are booming'!" He said in a southern accent dressed up like Brad Pitt from Inglorious Bastards.

"Emmett, what are you, never mind I should learn to just roll with it by now." Renesmee shrugged.

"Now what do you want?" Emmett asked.

"Jacob is a Nazi." Renesmee lied.

"Ah! Nazi's attacked Pearl Harbor!" Emmett said.

"Emmett that was the-"

"And they steal our apple pie! And invented socialism! Evil, evil socialism! And they are un-American! They are German. The opposite of American." Emmett said.

"Actually Emmett they-"

"So you want me to kill Jacob?" Emmett interrupted.

"Yes please." Renesmee said.

"Titans, GO!" Emmett said suddenly dressed as Robin and ran off.

---------

Jacob was walking down the hall way. A piano came out of no where and charged at Jacob.

"What the heck?!" Jacob jumped out of the way.

"Lalala!" Neville came skipping by and the piano hit him and sent him out the window. Jacob shrugged and walked away.

"Darn it! He got away!" Emmett cursed. He turned to a green sock. "Don't worry Beast Boy, we'll get him!" He said and pet the sock.

----------

Jacob was sitting and watching True Blood.

"Wow. Shape shifters. GAY." He said munching on popcorn.

And elephant appeared and charged Jacob. Jacob jumped out of the way and the Elephant broke through the wall, they were up on the seventh floor so the Elephant fell down.

"Oh dear god!" Neville yelled before and there was a loud boom. Jacob walked away.

"Darn it! How does he always get away?" Emmett asked. The green sock slid down his shoulder and onto the ground. "Your right Beast Boy! Girls on Fox News do have Blond hair all the time!" Emmett said and ran off.

------------

Jacob was outside doing nothing.

"Jacob, I need to kill you." Emmett said.

"Why?" Jacob asked slowly.

"Renesmee asked me too." He said.

"Renesmee!" Jacob shouted.

"Yes Rapist?" Renesmee appeared.

"Why did you have Emmett try to kill me?" Jacob asked.

"Because." Renesmee said.

"Because?" He asked.

"Propane." She said in a Southern Accent and walked away.

"She has a point." Emmett nodded. "Now come here so I can kill you!" He said and chased him.

* * *

No animals were harmed in the making of this chapter xD

now my dad is a big time republican and watches gay fox news and some times makes me and i've noticed, all the girl commentators on it all have blond hair! no offense to blonds, but they have one girl with brown hair and shes kinda ugly. if anyone else has noticed that other than me plz tell me :D

comment on propane xD


	98. omg update!

hey guys, good news! I'm alive! xD i got caught up in school stuff, sry. we're learning about the dumb metric system in science and i had to memorize that in day, yeah wasnt fun. then i had a bunch of home work in english, then i had to study vocabulary for a french quiz, yeah. and my grades came in less than lacking, im an A student (hard to believe) and i have four c's and two a's so i got grounded for that. but now im ungrounded :D then i went to the mills (its a mall, yeah i dont get the name either) Saturday i went to Hot Topic and got a Fred button that said Omg! why are the neighbor's Squirrel's Fighting?! lol, so busy busy busy.

* * *

"Here comes Peter Cotton Tail, hoppin' down the bunny trail! Easter's on its way!" Renesmee said walking by in a Bunny Outfit.

"Renesmee! I didn't know you were a Furry!" Emmett said.

"There's a Bear!" Renesmee pointed to Ralph the Bear.

"Were!?" Emmett looked around, then Renesmee kicked Emmett were the sun don't shine and skipped away as he fell to the ground.

Ron pulled out an Axe bottle and sprayed it around him. He stood up and out of no were girls attacked him and started to rip his close off.

"Ah! Rape! No wait- yay!" Ron yelled.

Harry passed Jasper. Jasper stuck out his leg and Harry tripped.

"Hey Jasper what was that for?!" Harry asked.

"I'm sorry round glasses. Jasper's been sniffing glue for five hours." Jasper said. Harry backed away slowly, then Jasper pulled out a tube of Elmer's glue and inhaled it deeply.

"What are your demands?!" A group of World Leaders asked. Edward sat at the end of the table with his head bald and a scar on his face. He stuck his pinkie near his mouth.

"One million dollars!" He said and made a funny face.

"Uh, your selling us a vacuum cleaner remember?" One guy asked.

"Oh, oh yeah. Um, it's a ball!" He said and ran off.

Hermione was sitting on a bench reading. A group of birds flew over head and pooped chocolate on her.

"Oh boy!" She started to eat the Chocolate.

"Look Mommy! Chocolate Rain!" The boy pointed to Hermione.

"Ew!" The mom screamed and ran off because it looked like Hermione was eating poop.

"Hahahahaha!" Jasper was making snow angels out of glue.

Sirius was at a buss stop. He looked around, then burped really loud and it tasted like dandelions.

Renesmee walked by a little kid at Hogwarts.

"Easter Bunny! I found an egg!" The boy said. Renesmee looked down, took the Egg and dropped it on the ground.

"Clean it up!" Renesmee pointed and stormed off.

* * *

yeah, another random chapter, sry :( only one more chapter until the movie everyone! xD


	99. The Last Chapter :O

alrighty then :D a few thing u should know about the movie before you read it:

Voldemort does not appear in it, sry

the animals (Ralph the bear, the Bear, or Harold the Dragon or Boxie) do not appear in it

shockingly it has a plot :D

in the end a big fight ensues, yeah

allot of it has the characters on crack

i kinda forgot about carlisle, alice, jasper, esme, and jacob in it so i had to add them later on, so dont be mad

it takes place at the end of hogwarts school year

hermione goes bald

renesmee and amerina go nuts

the chapter emmett runs over amerina with a horse is very important *hint*

this has nothing to do with the movie but back in chapter 55 (Cedric is in Tune with Nature) Cedric yells some gibberish but i hid eight words in it and said that anyone who can guess them first can get an appearance in the story, so far no one has, one person has tried but didnt succeed :( so, you guys can go back and see and try, ill give ya a week until next Saturday when the movie is gonna come out, but, why would i be asking htis is the story is over? um cough TUHPTCO Part 2 cough

oh and this doesn't either, but back in the chapter when jasper and alice left, that was me trying to end the story b/c at the time i didnt feel like updating it anymore, but i chickened out :) good thing i didnt huh? xD

and to all you ppl out there that never liked this story and told me it sucked, i was a horrible writer and so on and so forth, :PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP no one cares xD

now, i noticed that before i did The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight cross overs on fanfiction there weren't allot of HP and Twilight Cross Overs, then after i did, they're all over the place xD idk if this is true, maybe i wasnt really looking, but i made twilight harry potter cross overs cool x3 as cool as they can get lol awesome xD (insert dancing panda's here) remember ppl though, dont steal ppl's ideas! you can edit them, but u have to tell ppl were you got the idea from, let's make fanfiction a happy place :D

oh and Boredom Incarnate was the FIRST EVER reviewer!!!!! xD they get loads of cookies from the Cannibal Cookie Making Elves :)

there is a scene all the way at the end, so if ur patient, read it :D

and now something you all have been waiting for:

"Renesmee I have a surprise for you!" Carlisle said. Renesmee turned around.

"What?" She asked, then her eyes grew wide and her mouth fell to the floor. "Oh my gawd." She said slowly.

Carlisle stood there with a sheep.

"Ooh! Can we eat it?" Emmett asked.

"No! It's for Renesmee!" Carlisle snapped.

"SHEEP!" Renesmee yelled really loud then.

"Baaa." The sheep said. Renesmee tackled it in a hug and started to pet it.

"Your name shall be Beatrice and you shall be mine!" Renesmee said. She stood up. "Boxie!" She called and Bowie appeared and the three bounded off.

"That was weird." Emmett said.


	100. TUHPTCO Movie : A Race Through Time

**THE ULTIMATE HARRY POTTER TWILIGHT CROSS-OVER!**

**THE MOVIE: A RACE THROUGH TIME!  
**

* * *

_"Amerina! You wish to travel through your 'The Last Immortal Child' universe to 'The Ultimate Harry Potter Twilight Cross-Over Universe'?" The Time Dude asked._

_"Yes Sir, Time Dude." Amerina said. The two were in a giant court house packed with supernatural beings. They were suspended in a giant black void surrounded by the image of outer space._

_"What makes you qualified to handle such power?" The Time Dude's voice boomed._

_"Uh, I'm a girl. Duh. Of you deny me it, I'll say your a sexist." Amerina sniffed._

_"Oohhh, black mail!" A guard said. The witnesses erupted in whispers._

_"Order! Order in the court! I SAID ORDER!" The Time Dude's voice cracked, causing everyone to stop and pay attention. "Now, ahem, I do believe in you Amerina. But, if you screw up and get sucked into the recesses of time you CAN NEVER ESCAPE!!!!! The Time Dude's voice bellowed. One guard turned to a window to see The Death Star coming toward them._

_"Uh, sir!" The Guard said._

_"Yeah whatever, just let me travel in between the universes!" Amerina stomped her foot._

_"OK, OK, seesh. Youth today, When I was a kid I was polite to my parents, If I was impatient with them I'd get a spanking!" The Time Dude grabbed a necklace from his robes and tossed it at Amerina who grabbed it and put it on._

_"Cool!" She said._

_"Sir!" The guard said, panicking as the Death Star got closer and closer._

_"Just a flipping minute! God!" The Time Dude snapped at the Guard and turned back to Amerina as the Death Star stopped Moving. "To work it just-"_

_"Yeah whatever, see ya!" Amerina pressed the button on the necklace, a portal opened and she jumped into it singing a folk song. Just as she disappeared the Death Star shot it's giant laser at them and blew up the court._

---------Present Day----------

Amerina sat on her back an stared at the ceiling. Emmett walked by.

"Hey lazy pants, what are you doing?" He asked.

"Trying to melt the ceiling with my mind!" Renesmee said.

"Good Luck." Emmett walked off. Renesmee groaned and sat up.

"I'm Bored!" She declared.

"No one cares!" Some one yelled back. Renesmee walked over to Harry and Pals.

"What are you guys doing?" She asked.

"We are studying for our exams! We don't have any time to get into your little shenanigans today!" Hermione snapped.

"OK, bitch." Renesmee muttered under her breath as she walked off. It was a clear May day for once and everyone was busy studying for exams. Things had cooled off around Hogwarts, the Twilight gang no longer got into the crazy situations from before, and soon they'd have to leave when Hogwarts closed for the year. Hagrid had finally figured out how to fix a car and was almost done fixing it. Renesmee reached the last step of a stair case when a portal erupted in front of her. It shot out lightning and fire from it. Amerina jumped out, her hair stuck out in each direction.

"IT'S GONNA BLOW! I NEED YOUR HELP TO FIX IT!" She yelled.

"Fix what?" Renesmee asked. Amerina held up her necklace she used to travel through time. The center was broken and pieces were missing. Renesmee jumped back.

"When Emmett ran over me with the horse along time ago, the hoof smashed the center of the necklace! Now all the pieces have flown off in different parts in time! I need your help!" Amerina yelled over the roar of the portal.

"Say, whaaattt?" Renesmee said.

"God damn it!" Amerina grabbed Renesmee and they ran into the portal. Meanwhile, a portal opened up over Hermione, Ron, and Harry.

"What is that?" Harry asked.

"Ron what did you do?!" Hermione yelled as they were slowly lifted up. They grabbed onto the back's off their chair's.

"What makes you think it was my fault?!" Ron asked.

"You can't do anything right!" Hermione said.

"Renesmee was right! You are a bitch!" Ron said.

"RONALD WEASLY!" Hermione bellowed as the three were sucked into the portal. Dumbledore sat at his desk asleep. A portal opened up above him and easily sucked him in.

Another portal opened up above Snape.

"Ah!" He grabbed onto the back off his chair. "Wait! I have to Twitter this!" Snape reached for the key board and was sucked inside. "Is there Twitter were I am going?!" He yelled as he disappeared inside. Emmett was making out with Rosalie while Edward and Bella just sat there. A portal opened above them.

"Ah! I'm too hot to die!" Rosalie shouted.

"Get in there hoe!" Bella started to hit Rosalie with a broom, causing Rosalie to let go of the coach she was holding onto and was sucked in.

"Rosalie!!!!" Emmett jumped in after her. Bella turned to Edward.

"Reverse Cannon Ball!" He said and jumped in.

"Eddie! Wait for me!" Bella jumped in after him.

----Meanwhile with Renesmee and Amerina-----

Renesmee and Amerina arrived at The Time Dude's Court House which had been rebuilt.

"AMERINAAAA!!!!" The Time Dude bellowed. Amerina jumped.

"Time Dude! You survived the blast!" Amerina cringed.

"Off coarse I did! I'm the freaking Time Dude!" He yelled.

"What a nice guy." Renesmee said.

"So Time Dude, what do you want?" Amerina asked.

"You broke the Time Necklace! Resulting in a rapture in time! Five pieces have scattered across time! One in ancient Rome, ancient China, Medieval England, ancient Egypt, and ancient Volterra." The Time Dude said.

"Ancient Volterra?! Shit on a stick with your mother sucking it!" Renesmee cursed.

"Hey! Don't talk about Mama Time like that!" The Time Dude barked.

"Yo mama so fat, when she wears a yellow dress, people yell taxi!" Renesmee said.

"Oh no she, didn't!" One of The Time Dude's guards said.

"Well, well, yo mama so ugly, that, that when uhh....." The Time Dude thought.

"Nice come back." The Guard rolled his eyes.

"SHUT UP! Anyway, you two must go through time and collect all the pieces within 24 hours or your friends, who were accidentally sucked in to the portals when I was searching for you, will be stuck there, FOREVER!!!!!" The Time Dude said.

"Wait! Why me?" Renesmee asked.

"Because....I said so." The Time Dude said.

"OK, Renesmee, when you find a piece, just press it like a button and it should take you to were another piece is in time that I have not yet found, OK?" Amerina asked.

"Yup." Renesmee agreed.

"Now, GO! AND CORRECT TIME!!!!!" The Time Dude said as the two disappeared in a flash of light.

------Ancient Rome------

Renesmee landed on a cobble stone street. She fell down and looked around. People walked around her.

"Why are the men wearing dresses?" She stood up. "Wait! I'm in Ancient Rome! They haven't invented pants yet," She said, "Cool."

"Renesmee! Renesmee!" Rosalie ran up to Renesmee. She wore a robe wound around her so all you could see were her eyes.

"Rosalie! What are you doing here?" Renesmee asked.

"I don't know! Everyone peaks Latin and the men are wearing dresses!" Rosalie cried. "Wait, am I in Twilight Zone episode?" She looked around.

"No." Renesmee sighed and quickly explained to her what happened.

"Oh. Cool." Rosalie said.

"Yeah, but do you know if anyone else got sucked here?" Renesmee asked.

"Yeah, Emmett did but I got separated from him." Rosalie said. Just then, a person accidentally stepped on her robe. Rosalie yanked on it and the robe was torn off. The sun hit her skin and she lit up as if a thousand diamonds were shining under her skin. Everyone turned to her and gasped.

"Oh crap." Renesmee said.

"Why aren't they freaking out over you?" Rosalie cried as the crowd around them grew closer.

"My skin glows, it just looks like I got a sexy complexion." Renesmee hissed.

"Venus! Venus!" They said.

"Why the hell are they calling me a planet? That's offensive! I'm not fat!" Rosalie cried.

"They probably think you are Venus, the Roman Goddess of Love!" Renesmee snapped. Rosalie and Renesmee were taken to go see the Caesar.

"Caesar, is est Dea Venus!" On guard person said. The Caesar stood by the window.

"God I hope it isn't Caligula, that guy is horny as hell!" Renesmee whispered to Rosalie. The Caesar turned around.

"EMMETT!" Rosalie yelled.

"Hold on, god dammit." Emmett pulled out a translation Latin to English book and flipped through it for a few minutes. "Ah, okay, ahem: Volo meus tamen lautus per a canis." Emmett said . The guards exchanged looks.

"Emmett, you just said you wanted your but washed with a dog." Rosalie said.

"You know Latin? Good! Why don't these people speak English?" Emmett said.

"English hasn't been invented yet." Renesmee said.

"Oh, like how pants haven't been invented yet?." Emmett asked.

"Emmett, were is the real Caesar?" Rosalie interrupted.

"Uhhhh." Emmett tossed a bloody knife away. "Anyway, tell them I am talking to you in god language!" Emmett said.

"Fine, Sit sermo nobis in nostrum deus lingua." Rosalie sighed. The people nodded in awe.

"Poor dumb asses." Renesmee muttered.

"I am going to the Colosseum to watch a fight, and that remark young Missy, has put you in the fight now! Guards! Take the midget to the Colosseum!" Emmett said. The guards stared blankly at them. Rosalie sighed and translated it to Latin. The guards grabbed Renesmee and dragged her off.

"Hey! No! Emmett! I need your help! EMMETT! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Renesmee yelled as she was dragged off.

"C'mon baby, let's go watch Renesmee kill some people!" Emmett said and the two were driven off on a golden chariot. They arrived at the Colosseum.

Renesmee was dragged through the streets. On the way she passed by a man carrying a cross on his back and a crowd was booing at him. Renesmee walked next to him.

"Sup." She nodded to him.

"Sup." He nodded back. Renesmee was then dragged off to the side to the Colosseum.

"Wait was that-" Renesmee said looking back, but was then thrown into the middle of the fighting arena. She turned to Emmett who was in that special box for Caesars with Rosalie. He stood up.

"Bow to Cesar Mofo!" Emmett yelled.

"Your not the boss of ancient Rome!" Renesmee yelled.

"I have the Leaf Crown, so BOW!" Emmett said. Renesmee stuck out her crown.

"Yeah, anyway, I hope you'll like these greasy, barbaric, sex deprived guys!" Emmett yelled as the gladiators were released. Five gladiators came out.

"You guys aren't hot like in the movie Gladiator!" Renesmee's jaw dropped. They dived at her. Renesmee dodged them and ran around the ring while they chased her. "Please don't rape me!" She yelled as she ran around. The crowd cheered as they chased her.

"Renesmee! Fight them!" Emmett yelled.

"Shut up and eat your grapes!" Renesmee yelled.

"Ew, sick-o." Emmett said. The Gladiator's got smart and cornered her. Renesmee noticed one had a strange necklace. It had a strange colored shard of a rock on it that looked like the one Amerina had.

"Your necklace! Give it!" Renesmee made a snatch for it. That gladiator nearly hacked her hand off. "I didn't want to have to do this, but, you gave me no choice!" Renesmee pulled out a shot gun. Ca-clank. The Gladiator's exchanged looks.

"HEY! Your cheating!" Emmett yelled. Bang! Renesmee shot the wall near Emmett.

"Shut up!" Renesmee took out a red head-band and suddenly was dressed like Rambo. "Let's go." She growled. One Gladiator charged at her. Bang! She shot him in the head. He fell dead. The other gladiator's stopped in their tracks and stared at her.

"Say hello to my little friend!" She roared as she shot at them. They turned around and screamed like little girls. Two more fell to the ground dead. "AHHH!!!!" She chased after the other one shooting him. He blocked the bullets with his shield. Renesmee pulled out a pistol and a leaf. She tossed the leaf in the air and started shooting the Gladiator. He ran around trying to dodge her. The leaf fluttered in the air, then it landed on the guy's forehead. On it was drawn a bull's eye. Renesmee held up the pistol and blindly fired while turning around. The bullet curved and hit the guy in the head. The last one with the shard of the necklace cowered at her. She ran at him as he threw his spear at her. She jumped up and dodged it then, as she was in the air, she fired the gun, the bullet hit the guy straight in the head and he fell to the ground dead.

"That's how we do it 21st Century style!" Renesmee said and cheered. The crowd roared with excitement. Emmett's jaw dropped.

"Oh yeah! I'm not out of tricks yet! Send her out!" Emmett yelled. The gate opened again and Bella was tossed out.

"You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kill you!" Bella roared to Emmett.

"Mwahahahahahahaha! A fight to the death! The winner lives, and the loser, dies!" Emmett said dramatically.

"Hey no fair! I'm half human!" Renesmee said.

"Renesmee, why are you dressed as Rambo?" Bella asked.

"Long story." Renesmee said as she pocketed the dead guy's necklace.

"Ooohhh! This is just to good! Tell them they are mother and daughter Rosalie!" Emmett said. Rosalie sighed and filled the crowd in on the happenings. The crowd roared with excitement.

"You guys are the monsters! Look at you! You guys pit innocent people against each other! You even force family to fight! You call this entertainment? Well, this is hypocrisy! You call your selves the greatest country in the world, but you are all corrupted, evil, idiots!" Renesmee preached. The crowd was quiet and their faces were blank.

"Uh, Renesmee, they don't understand English." Bella said.

"Son of a bit-"

"That was such a moving speech! To bad they didn't understand a word of it! Now, fight!" Emmett yelled and the crowd yelled after words. Renesmee turned to Bella.

"Tough beans mom." Renesmee said and started to shoot at Bella. Bella ran and grabbed a gladiator's shield and spear. She blocked the bullets and charged at Renesmee. Renesmee easily dodged Bella's attack. She kicked the back of Bella's head. Bella fell to the ground and scrambled to get back up.

"Renesmee! I'm your own mom!" Bella said.

"Yeah, but I have to fix time!" Renesmee said and picked up her shot gun and put away both the pistol and the shot gun.

"What?!" Bella asked.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, you don't know.... I'll just tell dad you fell into a fire pit." Renesmee pulled out a machine gun. Bella got up and smacked Renesmee with the shield and hit her with the butt of the spear. Renesmee fell to the ground unconscious as blood pooled out of her mouth.

"Oh god! What have I done?!!!" Bella fell to her knees sobbing. Renesmee jumped up and kicked Bella in the face. Bella stumbled on her feet as Renesmee punched her in the gut and spun around and kicked her again. Bella fell to the ground. Renesmee pulled out a lit match and held it above Bella then turned to face Emmett.

"DANG!!!! You owned her!!!!" Emmett jumped around excitedly.

"You dumb ass! You have a boner from that!" Rosalie smacked Emmett.

"What? Technically they aren't related to me!" Emmett said rubbing his head. The crowd was chanting some thing in Latin. "What are they saying?" Emmett turned to Rosalie.

"They want Renesmee to kill Bella." Rosalie said.

"Oh, well, in that case, kill her!!!!!" Emmett laughed. Renesmee turned to Bella who was staring up at her daughter.

"Remember your speech Renesmee...." Bella said. Renesmee hesitated.

"DO IT YOU WUSS!" Emmett shouted in the back round. Renesmee held up the match to her face and blew it out, then tossed it to the ground and smashed it with her foot. She spun around to face Emmett.

"I'm not going to kill my mom." Renesmee said.

"Awwww." Rosalie wiped away a tear. The crowd was booing.

"Crap, time for plan B! Animal's attack!" Emmett said. Rosalie translated to Latin and a bunch of Lions and Tigers came charging out at Renesmee and Bella. The two ran to the center of the ring.

"Aw man, what now?!" Renesmee panicked.

"We can't kill them with our bare hands then-" Bella was interrupted as a blur zipped by them. Emmett ripped into one of the lions and started to wrestle it. "They would find out we are vampires." Bella finished. Emmett looked up, the entire Colosseum was dead quiet as everyone stared at them. Rosalie ran over.

"I think they have figured out we aren't humans." Renesmee said.

"Speak for your self, they still think I'm a goddess." Rosalie said. Bella pulled out a hunk of meat from the dead lion. Rosalie grabbed it and started to suck the blood. "Asshole!" Rosalie growled after she was done. The animals were called off as the guards closed in on them.

"What should we do?" Emmett squeaked.

"Distract them Rosalie!" Renesmee ripped off Rosalie's close and undies so she was completely nude.

"What the fuc-"

"Great distraction! Let's go!" Renesmee pulled out the time shard and pressed it. A portal opened up and they were all sucked in.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M NAKED!!!" Rosalie yelled as they traveled through the portal.

"Oh shut up! I saved us!" Renesmee yelled.

"You guy's! I see the light!" Emmett pointed.

"No! Not the light! Stay away form the light!" Rosalie grabbed him.

"Wow, your naked. But not that light! The end of the portal!" Emmett said. They were spat out.

-----Medieval England------

Hermione, Harry, and Ron landed in a small town street. The hub-bub continued on. A castle loomed in the distance.

"What happened?" Harry looked around.

"Looks like we were sucked into a time portal. This looks like Medieval England." Hermione nodded.

"How do you know?" Ron snapped.

"Shut up Ron, I'm still mad at you." Hermione growled.

"Halt! Who do ye be?" A guard from the castle approached them.

"We are Hermione, Harry, and Ron." Hermione said. The guard looked at them funny.

"Ye close! And ye tongue! Do ye be witches?" The guard hissed.

"Hermione is." Ron pushed her forward. Everyone froze in their tracks and stared at them open mouthed.

"Of coarse I'm a witch Ron! And so are-"

"Witch! Witch!" The guard hissed. Soldiers appeared and dragged Hermione off.

"AHHHH! RON!" Hermione shrieked.

"Ron, they're going to kill her." Harry said.

"I know." Ron said.

"Ye two! Do ye be friends, or foes?!" The guard asked them.

"Uh, we be friends!" Harry said.

"God, they sound like Hagrid." Ron muttered.

"Friends! Ye must meet thee King! Arthur!" The guard dragged them away.

"Arthur? The real King Arthur?!" Ron gasped. Hermione ran past, guards still chasing her.

"Run faster Hermione!" Harry said as they walked into the castle. King Arthur walked toward them. Dumbeldore and Merlin were talking in the back round.

"Is that Merlin?!" Harry nearly fainted.

"Yep, we were just talking." Dumbeldore said. Hermione ran past the window yelling.

"Can I see your sword? Please?" Ron asked.

"Sure, you remind me of me when I was a kid!" Kind Arthur pulled out his sword.

"Wait, if your King Arthur, wouldn't we be in Camelot?" Harry asked. Ron swung the sword and accidentally chopped off King Arthur's head.

"HOLY SHIT! YOU KILLED THE KING!!!!!!!!!!" Harry yelled. Ron's jaw dropped.

"Oh crap, crap, crap, crap!" Ron said. The guards who were chasing Hermione stopped and peered through the window.

"Ye killed thy King! Ye be thy new King!" One guard said. Hermione ran and hid behind Merlin who looked like Dumbeldore.

"Awesome." Ron said and took King Arthur's crown. Suddenly, a portal opened. Bella was thrown out, Emmett jumped out, Rosalie fell out and Renesmee rolled out and landed skillfully on her feet.

"Harry and Pals!" Renesmee said. Rosalie stood up.

"Is there a draft?" She asked and looked around. Merlin's jaw dropped and his face turned red. Renesmee quickly filled them in on what was happening.

"Ron, the shard is in your sword!" Emmett said.

"What's on your head?" Harry asked.

"Long story." Emmett said.

"No! I'm not going back! I'm the king!" Ron hissed.

"Ah, the curse of power." Emmett nodded.

"Ron, if you don't give me the shard, we will all be stuck here forever." Renesmee said, secretly pulling out a machine gun.

"Good!" Ron said. Renesmee whipped out the gun.

"If you don't give it to me, I will take it by force!" Renesmee said.

"You want to take my virginity?!" Ron gasped. Renesmee started to shoot at him.

"Ah! Guards!" Ron yelled.

"Oh please! I kicked Gladiator Butt back in ancient Rome, what makes you think I wont do the same with your knights?" Renesmee cackled. Knights charged into the room. Renesmee turned to them and started to shoot them with the gun. They fell back in slow motion, but got back up since their armor protected them. One walked slowly toward her, blocking the bullets and smacked her back and she fell to the ground unconscious.

"Looks like she lost her groove." Emmett said.

"Guards! Take her to the dungeon!" Ron waved her off, not bothering to check her for more weapons. "Now, I have always wanted to do this!" Ron walked over to Rosalie.

"Stoop staring at my breasts!" Rosalie slapped him to the ground.

"Hey! Emmett is! Why can't I?" Ron asked.

"Emmett is my snugly-wugly bear." Rosalie sniffed.

"Uh, anyway, Harry! Lick the floor!" Ron jumped up.

"Why? I'm the main character!" Harry said.

"But, I'm the king now!" Ron said.

"He's right." Merlin said. He looked at Dumbledore slowly, and Dumbeldore looked at him slowly, then the two started to make out. Emmett stared. Harry reluctantly started to lick the floor while Ron laughed.

Meanwhile Renesmee was dragged into a cell. She got up.

"Ooohhh, a girl!" A big fat nasty prisoner walked over to her to rape her. Renesmee pulled out a gun and shot him in the head. His dead body fell to the ground. Renesmee ripped his head off and shoved it on the bedpost. Other cells around her saw and they looked on.

"See! This is an example!" Renesmee said.

"Shut up!" A guard said, then Renesmee shot him. She turned to everyone else.

"IS THIS WANT YOU WANT?! TO BE TREATED LIKE THEIR PETS? DON'T YOU WANT TO BE FREE?! WE CAN BE SLAVES, OR WE CAN BE....LYCANS!" Renesmee shouted.

"Uhhhhhh, what?" Some one yelled.

"Who wants to break free?" Renesmee revised. Everyone shouted in response. Renesmee ripped the bars back and freed everyone. They knocked out the guards and took there weapons. They waited outside the King's room. "Now....let's rock." Renesmee said. Ca-clank, she loaded her shot gun and bust inside the room. Harry jumped up from licking the floor.

"Ah!" Ron yelled.

"ATTACK!!!!" Renesmee yelled and pointed. The prisoners ran in.

"Ew, prisoners!" Emmett jumped back.

"Uh, Dumbeldore, Merlin, we need your help." Hermione asked, the two were still making out. They pulled apart.

"Oh snap, let's go Merlin!" Dumbeldore said.

"After you." Merlin said and pulled out his wand. Utter chaos erupted as everyone started to fight. Magic blasts whipped across the room. Renesmee shot and killed a guard. Then she saw Ron cowering behind the throne. She ran at him, screaming the top of her lungs. Two knights moved in to stop her. She jumped up and soared above them, and landed in front of Ron. Ron held up his sword, quivering. Renesmee yanked it out of his hand and hit Ron in his head with the hard end. He fell to the ground, unconscious.

"I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!" Renesmee, holding the sword up. Everyone stopped fighting and turned to her. Renesmee snapped the sword in half and pulled out the shard, then pressed it like a button. Emmett, Rosalie, Bella, Dumbeldore, Harry, Ron, and Renesmee were sucked into the portal.

"Did we forget some one?" Harry looked around. Renesmee looked around afterward.

"Nope!" She called over the roar of the tunnel.

"Hey! The end!" Emmett pointed.

"NO! Not the end of the movie!" Rosalie started to cry.

"No! The end of the tunnel!" Emmett said as the light appeared.

Hermione was still back in the castle.

"HEY! YOU FORGOT ME!" She yelled.

Emmett, Rosalie, Bella, Renesmee, Ron, Harry, and Dumbeldore landed in a rice field in Ancient China.

-----------Ancient China----------

"Hey look! I'm a farmer!" Ron had scared off a farmer and had on their hat and their ho.

"Were are we?" Harry asked.

"Ancient China by the looks of it." Rosalie said.

"Cool! Will we find ninjas?" Renesmee asked.

"Ninja's are in Japan." Bella said.

"Oh, how about Samurai's?" Renesmee asked.

"Still in Japan." Bella said.

"Well, what the hell does China have?" Renesmee asked.

"Communists?" Emmett said in the back round.

"Xiaolin Monks!" Ron said.

"Dragons?" Rosalie said.

"Cool! Let's go see a Dwagon!" Renesmee said and ran off.

Meanwhile....

Edward woke up. He was in a small house and the roof was open. The house was deserted.

"AHHHHH!" Some one out side screamed. The door burst open and Amerina jumped in dressed in Chinese solider armor.

"Uh, Amerina, why are you dressed like that?" Edward said.

"Oh, now you know my name. I don't really know, I woke up like this." Amerina said and fell over from the weight of the armor. "Uh, can you help me up?" Amerina asked. Edward picked her up. "OK pretty boy, here is what happened. When Emmett ran over me, he busted my necklace that let me travel through my world to yours. The pieces accidentally fell out when I went through the portal and are scattered through out time. The Time Dude sucked in Bella, Renesmee, Rosalie, Emmett, Dumbeldore, Snape, Harry, Ron, and Hermione and we have to find them and get out within 24 hours or we will be stuck in which ever point of time we are at forever." Amerina explained.

"Wait! My Bella is here?!" Edward jumped up.

"What about the rest of your family?" Amerina asked.

"Who?" Edward asked.

"Never mind." Amerina said.

"Eddie's coming!" Edward ran out the door.

"Wait Edward they-" Amerina ran after him but fell down the steps from the bulky armor and fell flat on her face. Edward was frozen in place as he sparkled and everyone watched.

"Uh, no need to worry folks, I'm after my wife and the rest of my family, you see we don't belong here and we just want to get home." Edward said.

"They don't understand English Edward, they speak Chinese." Amerina said.

"Son of a bit-" Edward was cut off as the peasants ran at him with pitchforks. Suddenly, they were all shot and killed. Renesmee jumped down and started to fight them off and eventually killed them all. Rosalie, Emmett, Bella, Dumbeldore, Harry, and Ron ran up.

"Dad!" Renesmee ran toward Edward. Edward pushed her away and hugged Bella instead.

"Snap." Amerina said face down from the ground. Renesmee helped her up.

"Here, we have two shards already." Renesmee handed her the two they previously found.

"Good, only three more to go." Amerina said and put them in the necklace.

"OK, I have some questions. Renesmee, why are you dressed as Rambo, Bella why are you all beat up, Emmett why are you dressed as Caesar, and Rosalie why are you naked?" Edward asked.

"Long story." Renesmee said.

"We have time." Edward said.

"No we don't. We need to go to the Imperial Palace, that's were the shard is. So, let's ask one of these villagers were it is and go." Amerina asked.

"We can't, Renesmee killed them all." Emmett said.

"Ain't I a stinker?" Renesmee asked and smiled.

"Well, then, Rosalie, put some close on for god sake, the red head is staring at your boobs." Amerina said.

"I don't know, It feels liberating to be in your natural state, no boundaries to hold you in." Rosalie preached.

"I can see your Beaver." Renesmee said and pointed.

"Eep!" Rosalie ripped some close off a girl villager and put them on.

"Here's a wagon!" Harry said and pointed to one.

"Who's gonna pull it?" Ron asked. Everyone turned to Emmett and Edward.

"Mush! Mush!" Ron said as they pulled the wagon. They asked a farmer, who bugged out when he saw them, for directions and were close to the Palace.

"Crap, we're going to sparkle! We need cover." Edward said as he easily pushed the wagon. Amerina sighed as closed her eyes, using her ability, and storms clouds appeared. They were instantly covered and ditched the wagon and walked inside the gates after threatening the guards and walked in.

"OK, we need to go to the palace which is....there." Amerina pointed to the far off Palace as people passed by and stared at them. They made their way, slowly, to the palace. They stopped in front of the doors.

"That's weird." Edward said.

"What?" Bella asked.

"They don't have any guards here." Edward said.

"You know, we could easily kill everyone here and China would fall. Think about what it would be like in the future." Emmett said.

"Shut up, we probably fucked up the future as it is." Amerina snapped. Rosalie jerked on the door.

"It's locked." She said.

"Oh really?" Renesmee asked.

"Emmett, you have become useful." Harry said and turned to him.

"What?" Emmett asked. A couple minutes later they rammed Emmett into the door. It easily fell down and they ran inside. They made it to the throne room.

"Wait, were is the emperor?" Ron asked looking around.

"You guys!" A voice shouted. Everyone looked up to see Snape dangling in a cage. Ron and Harry were rolling on the ground laughing hysterically. "Stop laughing Potter! That's an F!" Snape said.

"Why do I get an F? Ron was laughing too!" Harry jumped up.

"Because I don't like you." Snape said slowly and glared.

"Grease Monkey, why are you in a cage?" Amerina demanded.

"Well Midget, it's the Emperor! He knows! Get out-"

Snape was cut off as cages closed around them. The Emperor walked out with a bunch of soldiers. Emmett was trying to rip the bars off but was unsuccessful.

"It's vampire proof!" Emmett said. The Emperor walked over to Amerina and glared at her while he was secretly looking at her necklace. Amerina glared back.

"I can do this all day." She hissed.

"I like his hat." Renesmee said in the back round. The Emperor had on a hat that had a curtain of beads fall in front of his face.

"I know, too bad they are commies." Emmett added.

"Is this what you are looking for?" The Emperor pulled out a shard that was attached to a string around his neck.

"Sweet Holy Roller, how do you know English? And about the necklace?" Amerina asked.

"The Time Dude. I play poker with him." He said.

"Damn dirty commies." Emmett grumbled.

"Emmett, shut the hell up!" Bella snapped.

"So, why did you capture us?" Renesmee asked.

"Because your necklace can control time. With it, I can go through out time and rule the world!" The Emperor cackled.

"Uh, hate to break it to 'ya, but we in the future have invented this thing called bombs, and guns, so, we'll just nuke your ass." Renesmee chirped. The Emperor glowered at her.

"I'll just go back in time and steal them." He hissed.

"There is always a douche bag villain." Edward said. Amerina then closed her eyes, using her second ability, and the cage exploded. Amerina stepped out and drew out a sword in her armor. The Emperor got in a kung-fu stance.

"Bring it Jackie-Chan." Amerina hissed. Meanwhile Renesmee picked up a broken jagged piece from Amerina's cage on the ground and picked the lock on her cage and stepped out. She knocked out the guards and took the keys and started to let everyone out.

"Crouching Tiger, Leaping Frog!" The Emperor did a fancy kung-fu move that hit Amerina. Amerina stumbled back and swung at The Emperor with the sword. He easily dodged it kicked her in the face, spun around, and kicked her again. Amerina stabbed him in the stomach. He yanked the sword out of her hand and tossed it aside then punched Amerina in the gut. Amerina kicked The Emperor hard in his face. He regained his footing easily.

"Charging Bull!" He said and charged at Amerina. Amerina yanked back her fist and as The Emperor was a few feet away she shoved her fist forward. It hit the Emperor dead center in the face with a loud crack. He went flying back and hit the wall unconscious.

"Iron Fist." Amerina smirked, then yanked the shard off of The Emperor's neck. Everyone gathered around her as she pressed the shard. They went through the portal as usual and fell face forward in a heap of sand.

-------Ancient Egypt-------

Emmett landed face first.

"OMFG! Time sent us to a giant sandbox!" He said and jumped up. Rosalie got up and smacked him in the back of the head.

"Dumb ass, we are in Ancient Egypt!" Rosalie said.

"How do you know?" Amerina asked, she was trying to get up and was still wearing the bulky armor.

"Those giant triangles." Rosalie pointed to the pyramid's in the distant background.

"This is just great, I got sand in my shoes! You know once you get it in there you can't get it out." Edward turned to look at Bella.

"You so stole that from Stewie in Family Guy." Bella snorted.

"I went to Egypt one time!" Ron stood up, happy to be useful again.

"OK, this time, I get to be the leader!" A voice said. Everyone jumped to see Jasper and Alice sparkling like a disco ball.

"Jasper!? Alice?!" Renesmee gasped. Everyone got up, except Amerina who was still flat on her back, and crowded around the two.

"Are you sure they aren't mirages?" Emmett poked Alice.

"Of coarse we are real!" Alice bit at him.

"Eep!" Emmett jumped back.

"What are you two doing here?" Bella frowned. Amerina finally got on her feet and lumbered over.

"The Time Dude took us to his council along with Carlisle and Esme and told us what happened. He sent us here to ancient Egypt to help." Alice said.

"We don't need help! We had this all under control!" Amerina said.

"You guys have ten hours left to find them all." Jasper said.

"Oh no." Dumbeldore said.

"OK, everyone, let's move it, I do not want to get stuck in Ancient Egypt." Amerina said and started to walk toward the Pyramids.

"Why?" Edward said as the group made their way behind her.

"One word, mummies." Amerina said and stopped as she said it, then continued to trudge through the sand.

"Hey, how come all of the pieces of the necklace are in ancient times? Why can't we go some were nice, like Civil War Era U.S.A, or Turn of the Century England?" Emmett asked.

"No one asked you queer." Alice said.

"Well." Emmett huffed as they walked.

They made it to the Pyramids and walked around it to were a bunch of Egyptians were.

"Hey do you know were the river is? These humans are about to die." Amerina picked up Ron who was almost past out and dropped him. The Egyptian's looked at them with gaping mouth's.

"For Christ's sake." Renesmee ripped Rosalie's close off again and let her sparkle brightly. "She's a 'effing goddess, now take us to the pharaoh." Renesmee said.

"Hey! No wait, maybe I can work on my tan." Rosalie flipped her hair.

"Ooh, maybe we can see Joseph and his coat of many colors!" Jasper said.

"Shut up Jasper, we're going to go see Yugi playing card games." Edward said matter-of-factly.

"Both of you, shut the fuck up." Dumbeldore slapped them across the head.

"Ow, what was that for?" Edward and Jasper rubbed their heads. By now the Egyptians were bowing to them.

"Ha, wait 'till I tell them what Egypt is like in our time." Renesmee whispered to Amerina. After Edward translated that they wanted to see the Pharaoh, they took the group to the city. They went to the palace and Rosalie was getting dressed up.

"Hurry up Rosalie! I do not want to get stuck in Ancient Egypt!" Amerina said.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Emmett asked.

"Is no one here afraid of mummies?!" Amerina threw up her hands.

"Oh yeah, this is the shit." Harry was getting fanned by a couple of servants. They were in a large stone hall.

"Guys, the guards say the Pharaoh will be here soon." Edward walked in. There was a splashing noise. Ron dunked his head into a large vat of ice cold water and guzzled it in. Rosalie walked out then, dressed like Cleopatra, she even had on a wig.

"How do I look?" Rosalie asked. Emmett's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Are you sure you don't want to leave Amerina? This is the good life!" Harry said.

"One word: Moses." Amerina said.

"Noses?" Jasper asked.

"No, god dammit, read The Bible." Amerina huffed. The door opened then and The Pharaoh came in, surrounded by guards and servants.

"We-" The Pharaoh said.

"Let my people go!" Amerina blurted out. Everyone turned to stare at her. "Um, sorry. Continue." She said and hung back.

"Well, Welcome to Egypt. I am the Pharaoh." The Pharaoh said in Egyptian and Edward translated.

"Yes, um. We are here looking for a piece of the necklace that looks like this and if you could help us that'd be nice." Amerina said. Edward translated.

"Your necklace looks like a jewel we put in our Pyramid." The Pharaoh said.

"What'd he say?" Emmett asked in the background.

"Yeah, he said they put a jewel that looks like your necklace in their pyramid." Edward said.

"WHAT?!" Amerina yelled.

"He said they-"

"I herd you dip-shit!" Amerina snapped.

"What are we supposed to do? They closed off the pyramids." Renesmee said.

"Sh! I have a plan." Amerina and Renesmee started scheming.

Later that Night....

Amerina and Renesmee were sneaking around the Palace. Lights flickered darkly as they snuck around.

"It's OK Snape. Twitter doesn't exist in this time. Were in B.C. time!" Alice and Jasper were trying to calm down Snape because he couldn't Twitter.

"But my followers don't know where I am! They have to know!" Snape cried. Amerina and Renesmee ran down the stone steps of the building and hid behind them as a group of Egyptians walked up. They started to walk fast to the near by pyramids.

"Wait up Renesmee! I can't walk that fast in this armor!" Amerina hissed as she waddled in the heavy armor she still persisted on wearing.

"Why do you want to keep that?!" Renesmee asked.

"Because it's kick as-" Amerina's voice suddenly was gone. Renesmee stopped and spun around in the sand.

"Amerina? Amerina?" She hissed.

"Ew get off me!" Another voice said.

"Wasn't trying to get anything from you Pixie-Dust!" Amerina growled. Renesmee looked down. Amerina had fallen and fell on top of Ron.

"Uh, Ron, why are you out here?" Renesmee asked as she helped Amerina up.

"I was looking for Yu-Gi-Oh!" Ron said and stood up.

"Great, now go back!" Amerina snapped.

"Why?" Ron asked.

"No reason." Amerina said. The three arrived at the Pyramids. There was no one around.

"Gee, 'ya think they'd guard these." Renesmee said. Amerina placed her head against the biggest Pyramid.

"Ha! It's in here!" Amerina pulled back and pulled out a hammer. She raised it and swung into the blocks. Being a vampire she added extra omph, and it easily crumbled to dust. The smell of old pickles and toe nail clippings wafted up.

"I am not going in there." Ron said.

"Good, you keep watch." Amerina said.

"For what?" Ron asked.

"Scooby Doo." Renesmee said and she walked in, followed by Amerina.

They crawled into the depths of the Pyramid and arrived at the mummy's chamber.

"Are you sure this is safe? What if one of their curses works?" Renesmee asked as Amerina rooted through the treasure.

"They wont. That's just to scare people from coming in." Amerina said. She froze for a mila-second when she saw the mummy, then continued on. Renesmee saw a glint around the mummy's neck. She walked over and examined it.

"Amerina! Here it is!" Renesmee pulled out a tiny shard. Amerina jumped up and put it in the necklace.

"Good, one more to go." Amerina said proudly. The two turned their backs, then heard a creaking noise. They turned around to see the mummy gone.

"Uh, Renesmee, were did the dead guy go?" Amerina asked in a small voice. They turned around fully to see the mummy standing up and his arms raised. "HOLY SHIT!" Amerina screamed.

"What a cliche." Renesmee said. Suddenly, the mummy started to walk forward.

"Run!" Amerina cried. They ran up the small stone steps and back into a wide hallway. Traps suddenly sprung out of no where. They ran, dodging them effortlessly. Amerina lagged behind because of the armor she was still wearing, but could easily out run the slow mummy.

"Wait, why are we running from him?" Renesmee asked. Amerina paused and looked back. The Mummy was having troubles getting up the stairs.

"Your right, let's walk." Amerina said and they briskly walked away. They walked out of the pyramid and up into the night.

"Freedom!" Renesmee cheered. Amerina was silent. "Amerina, what's wrong-" Renesmee dropped the sentence when she saw Amerina's face. She turned around to see the Pharaoh and visibly angry guards. The rest of the gang was being held by them.

"Uh, sup?" Amerina cringed.

"You have desecrated the Pyramid! You have insulted the gods! You must die!" The Pharaoh said in Egyptian.

"Yeah, um, what?" Amerina asked.

"They are going to kill you." Edward said. Then, the Mummy walked out then, lumbering as he went.

"Oh shit, is that supposed to happen?" The Pharaoh pointed at him and the guards shook their head no.

"Well Pharaoh, fuck you!" Amerina pressed the center of the necklace. A vortex opened up. The Pharaoh and his guards jumped out of the way as everyone else was sucked in. Then they landed on a cold stone floor.

--Ancient Volterra--

"Ow!" Emmett landed head first. He got up and looked around. Dumbeldore landed on top of him, then everyone else piled on top. Everyone jumped off and on their feet.

"Uh, you can get off of me now." Emmett said.

"Naw." Dumbeldore said and hugged Emmett. Rosalie was fuming behind him. Dumbeldore got off Emmett. "All the good guys are always straight." He huffed. Bella looked around.

"Now where are we? France?" Ron said, motioning to the fancy stain glass windows in the stone hall.

"God I hope not." Harry said in the back round.

"No, we are in Volterra." Renesmee said glumly.

"What's wrong?" Alice asked.

"I just hope Aro isn't all molesty now as he is in the future." Renesmee grumbled. Amerina pulled off her necklace.

"The shard is that way!" Amerina pointed ahead.

"Hey, I know where we are! We are in the tower!" Jasper said.

"Oh really?" Harry said in the background. They started to walk through the hall that winded around the rim of the tower. Finally, they made it to a door. Amerina paused.

"The shard is beyond this point." Amerina said, then grabbed the door nob slowly and turned it. Everyone was holding their breath, the tension hung in the air. Amerina pulled the door.

BAM!

Jacob in his wolf form burst through and ran over Amerina, then tackled Renesmee.

"Ah! Wolf rape!" Renesmee cried. Jacob turned into his human form.

"Nessie! It is you! Please explain why I am here and it smells so bad." Jacob cried.

"Get off of me Jacob!" Renesmee said irritated. Jacob scrambled to his feet.

"Hey! The nude thing is my gig!" Rosalie hissed. Jacob looked down.

"Oh." He pulled out close tied to his leg and put them on. He turned to see Amerina staring at him. "Hello, sorry for tackling you." Jacob said.

"Are you Shark Boy?" Amerina asked. Emmett and Jasper rolled on the floor laughing.

"In another life." Jacob said, his eyes far off.

"Yeah, anyway, remember the few hours we have left to get the pieces of the necklace, or we are permanently stuck here?" Bella pipped up.

"Oh god no! Let's go!" Renesmee said and walked past the door. Everyone followed her into the large meeting room Aro, Marcus, and Caius liked to sit at and play Battleship.

It was empty.

"Where is everyone?" Ron looked around. Just as Ron spoke, vampires sprang out and captured them. They were apart of the Volturi Guard. Aro, Caius, Marcus, Alec, Jane, Demetri came out. The rest came out from behind. Hermione then walked out.

"Hey! We left you in England!" Amerina said.

"That's right! Just as you left, a second portal opened up and took me here, then I easily found the shard!" Hermione said. She walked forward to Amerina and took her necklace. "Now I shall go back to our time, and you all will be stuck here!" Hermione laughed.

"But, Hermione, it's me." Ron whimpered.

"And you let them kill me all the time! You let them make fun of me, and sometimes you participated! Well, now, I'm getting my revenge!" Hermione laughed. Then, Carlisle and Esme were dragged out.

"When did you guys get here?" Edward asked.

"Uh, a few minuets ago. Who the hell is the Time Dude?" Carlisle asked.

"Shut up!" Hermione snapped.

"Hey, do you have a power?" Aro asked Alice.

"Yeah, I can see into the future, Edward can read people's minds, Renesmee can send people memories on touch, and Bella can make someone's power useless." Alice sighed.

"Want to join the Volturi?" Aro asked.

"No! We will never join the 'effing Volturi!" Renesmee yelled. Aro jumped back.

"You could have just said no." He huffed.

"Want some cupcakes?" Caius asked Emmett.

"Everyone, shut up!" Hermione screamed. Amerina broke out of her capture's clutches an attacked Hermione. Using her storm power, she shot a bolt of lightning at Hermione. Hermione barely ducked, but her hair caught on fire.

"Ah!" She ran around, patting it out, while everyone laughed at her. She eventually put out the flames. She was bald. Amerina's jaw dropped to the floor, then, she joined in on the laughing. Hermione glared, then pulled out he necklace.

"That's it! If I am not going to be taken seriously, then I'm going to brake the necklace!" Hermione held out the necklace and pulled on the sides, trying to snap it.

"No!" Amerina said and lunged at her. She grabbed the necklace from Hermione's hands, as well as the last piece. She rolled and put the piece in, and pushed the center. A giant vortex opened up and Renesmee, Amerina, Jacob, Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Snape, Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Dumbeldore were sucked in.

---Time Court---

They all landed in seats, their arms and legs were cuffed to the seats. Amerina's armor was gone, but she had close under it.

"Order! Order!" The Time Dude hissed and banged the gavel. The jury was buzzing loudly. Amerina looked around. A giant digital clock hung on the black wall. They had minuets to spare.

"Well, Time Dude! I did it!" Amerina smiled.

"You did it?" Everyone else said angrily.

"With the held from my best buddies." Amerina winced.

"Yes, you did it. I am very surprised Amerina. I thought you'd need help from Adrian." The Time Dude said.

"Who?" Amerina blinked and The Time Dude sighed.

"So, why are we here?" Renesmee spoke up.

"You all are on trial!" The Time Dude said.

"For what?! I can not go to prison!" Hermione started to hyperventilate.

"For the disruption of the time space continuum, reality, and lets not forget, the separation of the two universes." The Time Dude said.

"Put the author of this on trial not us!" Emmett said in the background but was ignored.

"This is my first line!" Voldemort said and ran by.

"Now, let's review what you all did this year at Hogwarts, shall we?" The Time Dude asked and pulled out a giant list. He put on reading glasses and cleared his throat.

"Shoving items that are impossible to fit into the space _offender:_ Emmett Cullen, Looking for Animals that do not belong there _offender_: Renesmee Cullen and Carlisle Cullen (_Renesmee: "That's bull! I plead the fifth!") _Use of technology where Technology is not able to work _offender:_ Practically all the Cullen's and Jacob Black, Illegal Intake of Cupcakes _offender: _Emmett Cullen (_Emmett: "That was Caius!"), _Cross breading two animals into a human _offendor: _Severus Snape (_Renesmee: "You have a first name?!"), _The Killing of Cannibal Cookie Making Elves _offender: _Emmett Cullen, Edward Cullen, Hagrid, Making a person Addicted to Twitter with out prior knowledge of addiction _offendor: _Renesmee Cullen, Figures in Time illegally appearing randomly and talking animals _offender: _Ivan the Terrible, Rasputin, Thomas Jefferson, Ralph the Bear, Mr. BananaMan the Bear, and Harold the Dragon, Blowing up Wal-Mart, _offender: _Severus Snape, Hagrid, Sirius Black, traveling to the real world _offendor:_ everyone in this court, Going to Hell and back _offender:_ Hermione Granger and Renesmee Cullen, visiting the Gods at Mt. Olympus _offender_: Ronald Weasly, Rosalie Cullen, Bella Cullen, Renesmee Cullen, Edward Cullen, Emmett Cullen, and Jasper Hale, Killing a person repeatedly_ offender:_ Renesmee Cullen, Falling on a person repeatedly _offender:_ Everyone, building giant floating boats _offender:_ Emmett Cullen and Renesmee Cullen, Stabbing people with Rusty scissors _offender: _Alice Hale and Andromeda Tonks, ect." The Time Court read.

"Hey read the rest of that." Amerina said. She had a bag of popcorn in her lap. The Time Dude unraveled the rest of the list. It rolled all the way to the other side of the room which was the size of half a football field, even then there was allot still rolled up.

"Wow. I didn't know having fun was illegal." Emmett said, glancing back.

"After reviewing this, I have decided on the punishment." The Time Dude leaned back in his chair. "Amerina, you shall return to your rightful universe and shall never return to theirs." The Time Dude said.

"What the hell?! I'm dead in my universe! Aro killed me!" Amerina yelled.

"He did!? Oh he is so dead in ours." Renesmee glared.

"No, wait, now I see the problem!" The Time Dude said.

"What?" They asked.

"Your two universes, Harry Potter and Twilight were never meant to be joined. I shall instead, permanently separate the two universes and will send you back to where you belong." The Time Dude nodded.

"No!" Everyone said at the same time. The Time Dude jumped.

"Well, why not?" The Time Dude asked.

"Time Dude, I am Renesmee by the way, before I met Harry and Pals and went to Hogwarts, I had no fun. My life was carefully protected and it wasn't going anywhere. But, when I came to Hogwarts I for once started to have fun on my life. I was living my life the way it was meant to. Everyone was having fun to, doing what ever we wanted to. We all became closer, even to the Harry Potter characters, I had more than one friend. And everyone else here can agree, we love it at Hogwarts the way it is, and don't want to leave. We want to stay there, and stay friends." Renesmee said, giving puppy dog eyes.

The jury was crying by now.

"Hm, that was a moving speech." The Time Dude said.

"So you'll let us of the hook?" Renesmee asked.

"Hell no! This isn't Spy Kids!" The Time Dude cursed.

"Fine, let's do this!" Renesmee lunged at the Time Dude. Everyone broke out then, moved by Renesmee's courage. The jury hid under the desk.

The Time Dude flung Renesmee back. She pulled out her shot gun. The Time Dude smacked it away.

"Your guns wont work on me!" He laughed.

"Oh you fag! That's all I have" Renesmee cried.

Amerina ran up to help Renesmee then. Harry ran up too.

"Harry, go help your friends." Renesmee rest her hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Uh, OK." Harry said, and ran off. Renesmee smirked, she had pick-pocketed Harry's wand to fight with.

"Do you know magic?" Amerina asked.

"Yeah, I watched them in class." Renesmee said. She turned back around with Amerina. The Time Dude got up.

"Oh, fine, let's go!" The Time Dude jumped down from his desk. He pulled out a giant clock, a staff extended from it. "I'm the freaking' Time Dude." He growled.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione assisted the rest of the Cullen's and Dumbeldore and Snape in fighting off the guards.

The Time Dude shot a beam of light at Renesmee. Renesmee dodged it. The beam hit the wall, aging the wall hundreds of years to where the spot it hit was a corroding hole. The Time Dude tried to smack Renesmee with the clock. He hit her and she fell back.

"Over here, Dude!" Amerina shot a lightning bolt at him.

"That's _The Time_ Dude to You!" The Time Dude shot a beam of light at her.

"Uh, Stun him!" Renesmee said. A beam shot from the wand, throwing Renesmee back. It hit The Time Dude and he fell, he was stunned for a split second. Amerina ran up to him, holding a pair of rusty scissors and stabbed him.

"Shank this bitch!" Amerina said. The Time Dude pulled her off of him and tossed her away from him.

The Cullen's were easily holding off the guards with the help of Dumbeldore and Snape.

"They just keep coming!" Jasper said.

"Where did my wand go?" Harry was searching through his robes.

"You know Hermione, your rocking the bald thing." Ron said to Hermione

"Oh, thanks Ron. I'm just surprised I'm alive this long!" Hermione smiled.

"Are you two going to kiss? That would be so nasty." Jasper said, knocking out two guards. Renesmee was flung to the ground then by the Time Dude who landed next to her.

"Nessie!" Bella and Jacob said at the same time.

"Jinx, you owe me a soda." Jacob said to Bella. A pair of rusty scissors hit the Time Dude.

He turned around to her then lunged at her, but Amerina moved aside and he ran into the wall. Amerina grabbed Renesmee and the two ran back up to him.

The Time Dude then charged up a beam of light and Renesmee ran at him.

"Renesmee wait!" Amerina yelled to her.

"Boo Ya!" Renesmee yelled and held out Harry's wand. The beam of light erupted from the wand, at that same moment The Time Dude fired the one he had charged up.

"Double Boo Ya!" He said as it was unleashed. The two lights hit one another. There was a large blinding white flash of light the erupted and filled the whole courtroom. Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Snape, and Dumbeldore hid from it.

"Renesmee!" Amerina ran up to Renesmee and pulled her away from the light as it swallowed the entire room whole, spreading outside into the space, outshining any star in the night sky. The light started to diminish, and flickered out, then was gone. In it's aftermath was destruction. The room was barley still standing, chunks of wall were missing.

"Hey! That looks like a smiley face!" Ron pointed to holes arranged and looked like a smiley face.

The Jury crawled out of the wooden debris they hid under during the attack. The Cullen's had braved the attack and got up, helping Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape, and Dumbeldore. The Time Dude sat up, he had been knocked on his back.

"Renesmee? Nessie!" Bella cried, looking around. Amerina and Renesmee were gone.

"Yay! Does this mean more sex?" Edward asked.

"Nessie!" Bella started to sob, then collapsed into Edward's arms.

"So, no?" His face fell.

"Crap, I'm not getting laid!" Jacob frowned looked angry and sad at the same time.

"I herd that Child Molester!" Renesmee yelled.

A small pile of debris shuffled, then the top slid back and Amerina and Renesmee crawled out.

"Ow, my head." Amerina blinked, she had been hit in the head by a piece of the wall.

The Time Dude stood up and looked around.

"My courthouse! You, you destroyed it!" He said, lower lip quivering. "You are for sure going back to your own universes!" He said and stood up angrily, while trying not to cry.

The Time Dude smacked the ground with the end of the Clock Staff. The Clock started to glow a blue Color, and the hands started to turn in their opposite direction. Amerina started to fade.

"No, wait! You 'effing queer!" Amerina yelled. She looked down in horror as she was disappearing.

"Amerina!" Renesmee grabbed at her, but Amerina was already gone. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Snape, and Dumbeldore were lifted up, they too started to fade, then were gone. The Cullen's rose to their feet and hovered a few inches off the ground.

"This is so gay!" Emmett said before he was gone.

Renesmee's eyes grew wide.

_'It is!' _She thought.

"Hey! I never got a line!" Esme yelled.

Everything that happened that year at Hogwarts, the Cullen's could see it happen in reverse, all the way to when they left to the airport back in Forks. It was gone, whipped from her memory, as well as the others. Renesmee looked down, she too was fading, until she was gone.

-----------------------

Renesmee's eyes opened then. She sat up. She was in her pajamas and was in her room at the cottage she shared with her parents.

"Nessie! It's morning! Get dressed! You have an appointment with Carlisle!" Bella walked in. Renesmee looked at Bella.

"Mommy, I had the strangest dream!" Renesmee shook her head. _'It was so vivid.' _She thought._  
_

"It was just a dream. Now hurry up." Bella smiled and walked out the door. Renesmee stood up and picked up her dirty close. Thunk! Something fell out. Renesmee placed them down, then picked up a strange object.

It was a wand.

Meanwhile......

"Harry! Get up! Today's the visit to Hogsmeade!" Ron said. Harry jolted awake.

"Oh, thanks for waking me up Ron. I'll be right down. I was having such a weird dream." Harry shook his head.

"Yeah, sure. Hurry up!" Ron ran out of the boy's room. Harry stood up. Thump. Something had fallen out of his close. He reached down and picked up and apple. There was a small note attached to it.

_I stole your wand you f-tard! -Renesmee_

Harry put the apple in his pocket, then bit into it.

"Hm! Still good!" He muttered got dressed. "Coming Ron!" He yelled and ran out.

Meanwhile.....

Renesmee turned the wand over, then used it to itch her nose.

"That's better." She said and placed it down, then quickly got dressed. "Coming mom!" Renesmee said and left her room.

* * *

**Credits!**

**written by: Gemini53095**

**cast:**

**Bella Swan**

**Edward Cullen**

**Jasper Hale  
**

**Alice Hale**

**Rosalie Cullen**

**Emmett Cullen**

**Carlisle Cullen**

**Esme Cullen**

**Renesmee Cullen**

**Jacob Black**

**Amerina**

**Harry Potter**

**Severus Snape**

**Albus Dumbeldore**

**Hermione Granger**

**Ronald Weasly**

**The Time Dude**

**The Fake Pharaoh**

**The Slow Mummy**

**Fake King Arthur  
**

**The Fake Emperor of China**

**Aro**

**Caius**

**Marcus**

**Jane**

**Alec**

**Demetri**

**The Volturi Guard  
**

**...and many more!**

**Special Thanks to:**

**The Readers and Reviewers. Thanks :)  
**

* * *

**finished- August 26, 2009**

**revised- September 3, 2009**

**revised again- September 19, 2009**

**revised again again- September 26, 2009**

**published- September 26, 2009  
**

**

* * *

**"Ahhhh!" Amerina landed head first in a field of flowers. She sat up and looked around.

A few feet away sat Hades and Satan, were enjoying a nice picnic. She stood up slowly so they could not see her. She crept toward them.

"Then I just threw him into a pit of fire! You should have herd his screams of agony." Satan shook his head.

"Yes, but I kicked the boulder down into the River Styx when-" A pair of Rusty scissors was then held up to Hades back as he was talking, and the two turned around.

"I remember everything." Amerina hissed, glaring down at them. "So send me back to earth." She finished.


	101. Extra Chatper! READ IT HOE!

**Kay everyone, listen up, i didnt feel like sending everyone an email about this,**

**Part 2 is up!**

**Part 2 is up! **

**Part 2 is up!**

**Part 2 is up!**

**i got bored and didnt want to wait until Saturday, so i decided to post it early :) like a treat for you guys :D here is the URL:**

**/5415209/1/The_Ultimate_Harry_Potter_Twilight_CrossOver**

**just add that to the end of the URL already after to use it lol**

**sp plz go check it out and read it,**

**if that URL doesnt work then view my profile ad see it there, oh yeah, after you read it plz vote in my new new poll  
**

** WINNER OF CEDRIC BATTLE CRY!!!!!!!**

**(if i forget ur name and you for sure participated plz tell me!)  
**

**which was:**

**Alice Super Assasin**

**My Alphabet Soup**

**Twilight Lover Magna Addict**

**InfidoraCullen**

**TinkerBell980**

**WiccanCorpse**

**Yereton**

**SplodeyYourFridge  
**

**these were the words: S'all, Good, homina, fe, fi, fo, fumb, dog xD  
**

**congrats! xD i'll PM u later when i type up the chapter i randomly decide to put u in.....  
**

**IF YOU WERE INSPIRED TO WRITE YOUR OWN HP/TWILIGHT CROSSOVER AFTER READING THIS STORY PLZ TELL ME THE TITLE OF UR STORY AND YOUR SCREEN NAME AND I WILL POST IT ON MY PROFILE!!!!!!!! XD**

**sincerely thank you for everything and your kindness**

**-Gemini53095**

**HERE IS A SNEAKY-PEAK AT PART 2!!!!!!!**

"Uh, are you going to let us go now?" A voice asked. They turned to see Harry, Ron, Hermione, Snape, and Dumbeldore tied to the wall with black duck tape in random shapes. Hermione was bent over while Ron stood straight up behind her.

"Some one needs to blur that out." Emmett observed.

"Ohhhh, that's were I put you!" Poke said.

"Man, I've seen some fucked up shit in my day, but that was just." Snape shuddered.

"I thought it was entertaining." Dumbeldore said.

"Only because Mike Newton got drunk and made out with that fat chick." Harry said.

"Seriously, were is my Volvo?!" Edward yelled as he walked back in.

"Amerina and I crashed it." Poke said.

"Wait, Amerina and I?! You were driving!" Amerina yelled and pointed at Poke accusingly.

"YOU CRASHED MY VOLVO!?" Edward roared.

"Well, now you can buy a newer model!" Poke said, nearly crapping his pants. Edward let out a feral roar. "Or maybe...a....Chevy?" Poke asked.

Edward lunged at Poke

----Censored for you protection----

"AHHHH!!! HELP!!!!!" Poke screamed.

---I said CENSORED!!!----

"MY LEG ISN'T MEANT TO BE BENT THAT WAY!!!" Poke yelled in agony.

"LET GO OF POKE!" Amerina lunged at Edward.

---What the hell did I just say?!---

"NO! NOT THE HAIR!" Poke cried.

"I'LL SAVE YOU POKE!" Renesmee yelled and jumped on Edward's back and started to punch his head.

---....----

"Kick his ass Edward!" Emmett cheered.

"I bet five on the midget!" Jasper pointed to Amerina.

Poke dove behind the couch and Edward picked it up then threw it against the wall.

"Ahhh!-" It hit Hermione.

"RAWR!" Ralph stood up.

"I'm not afraid of you!" Edward pointed. Ralph whistled. The entire wall facing the forest that had a hole in it was ripped off.

"ARGGGHAAAAA!" Harold the Dragon roared loudly it shook the house.

"Yeah, him I'm afraid of." Edward said.

**xD that was kinda long, but thats my fave part, its from the third chapter i think, so GO READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**it has only FIVE REVIEWS and that is UNACCEPTABLE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!  
**


End file.
